Memories

By Jinx

He couldn’t sleep.

But it was kinda hard to sleep when the best looking man of SG-1 was cuddled up against his chest. Daniel snorted to himself. God, Jack would just choke if he’d heard that! Daniel thought sappily, smiling to himself. To hell with it… I’m entitled.

He was lying on his side; head propped up on a fist while the other hand’s fingertips lazily trailed a path up and down one of Jack’s out-flung arms that was stretched above his head. The soft skin of Jack’s muscled triceps hard to resist. Jack’s cheek was pressed against his own arm and he was facing Daniel, rugged features relaxed in a peaceful sleep.

Daniel always loved Jack at times like these. Loved watching him sleep. Loved seeing the pains of the day and job erased away in the innocence of sleep. Not all of Jack’s sleep was innocent though. Sometimes Daniel would wake up in the earliest of mornings with Jack shaking and shivering from a nightmare; a silent scream caught in his lover’s throat.

In the beginning when they had first gotten together, Jack would shake off any offer of comfort Daniel tried to give and get out of bed, spending several minutes in the bathroom, door closed and locked firmly behind him. When he would return, he would silently get back into bed and curl on his side on the edge of the mattress, facing away from Daniel. When Daniel thought enough time had passed, he would move to Jack’s side of the bed and spoon up behind his lover, cautiously holding and caressing him until the tense muscles unclenched and Jack would fall back to sleep.

That alone could and had taken several hours on some nights.

It took several more months before Jack was comfortable enough not to leave the bed and allow Daniel to bring him into the younger man’s arms and be held back to sleep. He always felt honored that he was now allowed to calm Jack this way.

But times like these… when Jack was sleeping peacefully and quietly, he could lay and watch Jack for hours.

He did too.

It had been… he looked across his sleeping lover at the clock on the side of the bed… one hour and thirteen minutes since he woke up. He was never upset when he woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep though. Jack-watching had become his favorite sport and he took great pleasure in playing.

As Daniel’s finger passed down the muscled-triceps, Jack moaned deep in his throat before squirming around and raising his other arm up and over his head stretching his entire body taut. After a few seconds, his body relaxed immediately and he snuggled his face back against his arm, scooting his body closer to Daniel’s warmth.

Daniel had stopped his gentle caress as soon as Jack moved not wanting to wake his lover. But now that Jack had quieted, Daniel took stock of his lover’s new position and grinned--both of Jack’s arms were over his head giving Daniel very evil thoughts.

He had always loved to love Jack awake. It was on his top ten lists of favorite things to do… okay, top five things to do… okay, fine! It was his number one favorite thing to do period. But Jack stretched out before him added an extra element to his waking-Jack idea.

Carefully disentangling himself from Jack’s cuddle and removing himself from the bed, Daniel moved silently to the dresser and pulled out a pair of socks. No, those were too short he decided and moved to the chair where Jack’s cloth belt lay.

Then quietly gliding to the bedside table he pulled out Jack’s sleeping mask, which was only ever used when the other man got headaches, and carefully got back into bed.

His grin widened. This was going to be fun!

******

A sucking sensation woke him and Jack took a moment to wallow in the sweet feelings, wriggling his body at the nips and kisses at his neck, which were leisurely moving lower. He slowly opened his eyes and froze.

He saw nothing.

What the…? He thought silently before the sensation moved on from his throat to his chest.

He tensed further, fear beginning to gnaw at his gut.

The muscles in his arms bunched as they tried to pull his arms down only to find that his wrists were tied above him.

His mind suddenly took him from the here and now to a time several years ago… a time he had tried his damnedest to forget.

Oh god, this can’t be happening! He yelled in his mind. He struggled to get out of the bonds that held him only to find that they held him fast and he would not be able to break free. On top of that, he suddenly realized that it wasn’t just dark in the room he was in; he was blindfolded so as not able to see his captor(s).

And that was another thing… how many were there? He could feel one on top of him and he was nude, rubbing his hard-on over Jack’s thigh.

He shivered and swallowed hard.

Oh god, please don’t let this be real! He screamed frantically to himself. Please let this be just another dream… nightmare, whatever. Just make it stop, God, please! I beg you! Just…

A mouth covered his nipple and hard teeth began scraping around the soft edges.

Jack shuddered and his body tensed. He knew it was just a dream. It had to be. It was the same dream that he’d had over and over at various times throughout his life during the past several years. Unfortunately, it was also a dream that had been all too real many years ago. He was just as terrified of it now as he was back then, and he hated himself for feeling this way.

He tried to force himself to relax, to ignore the sensations that ghosted over his body. He tried blanking his mind. He tried thinking of other things: Charlie, Sara, Daniel! but nothing made the touches go away. If anything, he could feel them more so now. Fingers trailing down his torso, tangling in the hairs around his cock. The mouth still teasing and tasting his chest, tongue trying to rouse the nipples there.

Well, it’s not going to work, you bastard, Jack thought triumphantly to himself. I won’t give you the satisfaction! He lay on his back, body stiffening, every muscle taught with tension. He was not going to get the son of a bitch laying over him the satisfaction of giving in. You’re just a fucking dream anyway! He shouted in his mind. Just a dream, just a dream, just a dream, god please, let this be a dream! he repeated over and over, willing the touches and darkness and bound hands away. Wake up, wake up, wake up, he pleaded with himself.

However, while his mind was screaming out the obscenities and trying to force himself into believing this was just another horrible nightmare that would go away soon, his heart knew otherwise and his bravado soon gave way to fear. Pure, unadulterated fear. His body shook in fright, not anger. And when the fingers at his groin ventured lower and an index finger slowly slid into him, he could not hold back the soft mewl of terror that escaped his throat. “please,” he begged quietly, voice shaking little more than a whisper, “don’t please” He could feel the tears leak out of the corners of his eyes but didn’t care. He was afraid and wanted this nightmare to be over. “please”

******

Daniel suckled on the brown nub in front of him, reveling in the taste of his lover’s body. He could never get enough of Jack. The man’s body was perfect and the fact that Daniel knew it was all for him made him marvel on a daily basis what he did to deserve this most loving man. ‘Blessed’ didn’t even come close.

He knew the instant that Jack woke, when the body under him tensed. As he nipped the still soft buds on Jack’s chest, he glance up and watched as Jack tried to loosen his bound wrists from the makeshift belt-bond.

Satisfied that Jack was not able to get loose any time soon, Daniel turned his attention back to his lover’s chest, sucking in a nipple between his teeth before releasing it and moving his mouth softly across the expanse of chest to its twin. While his mouth and one hand were busy teasing Jack’s chest, his other hand moved down, caressing and fondling Jack’s abs, slowly moving down towards Jack’s groin.

He felt Jack tense further and smiled in mischievous glee.

His fingers caressed and stroked around the edges of Jack’s lax penis, threading themselves into the stiff hairs around Jack’s cock. The fact that Jack was not at all hard did not register with Daniel and the younger man continued his assault, licking and sucking on Jack’s chest while his fingers were busy playing in Jack’s groin.

It wasn’t until a soft sound escaped from Jack’s throat that Daniel stopped what he was doing and looked up at Jack’s blindfolded face.

“jack?” Daniel whispered, blinking his lust-haze fog from his eyes. The sound had not been made out of passion or desire. It was fear. Even Daniel knew that. Could hear it just as plainly as if Jack had said…

“please”

Daniel swallowed hard and sucked in a lungful of air, staring down in shock at the man below him.

“don’t please”

“Jack?” Daniel’s voice shook as he gathered himself and ripped the blindfold off of Jack’s face.

Daniel could feel his face pale. His hands shook as he held the eye-mask that had been used as the blindfold. Clammy fingers knotted the mask that had been over Jack’s eyes. Daniel couldn’t believe the sight before him: Jack eyes were clamped closed and tear-streaked trails ran from the corners of Jack’s tightly closed lids down the side of his head, dampening the graying hairs over and around his ears.

“please” Jack repeated softly, more tears leaking out from beneath the squeezed lids. His hands were clenched into tight fists over his head and his body trembled, air quivering pass his nostrils while simultaneously catching in this throat.

“Oh, jeezus, Jack. What…?” Daniel didn’t finish his sentence. The arms quavered above Jack’s head and Daniel reached forward to loosen the knots. One knot was not coming undone and Daniel yelled at himself in frustration. “Damnit! What the fuck…?” And he practically fell backwards when the knot broke free.

Quickly sitting back up, Daniel gently took Jack’s wrists in his palms, gently rubbing the reddening skin. He brought Jack’s arms down, pulling the prone man into a half-sitting position, cradling and rocking his lover against his chest.

“Jack, please. What’s going on? What did I do?” He tightened him arms around the other man, stroking the cold skin of Jack’s back. Blindly, Daniel reached down and gathered the quilt that was half way down the bed and pulled it up, almost covering Jack completely. “God, Jack, I’m so sorry. What happened? What did I do, Jack? Please. I’m so sorry. Jack, please!” Daniel continued to stammer, not really knowing what it was he was saying any more. Jack had scared him and Jack’s non-responsiveness was scaring him even more.

He rocked Jack for several minutes, terrified by the tense form in his arms. “Jack. I’m so sorry. What--?” He stopped when he felt the man in his arms relax minutely.

“Jack?”

“Danny?” The name was so quiet that Daniel wasn’t sure if he had heard Jack or just wished that he had.

“Jack?” Daniel repeated, tilting his head down to look at Jack’s face. When their eyes met, Daniel felt a gust of breath wash over his neck and the body in his arms relaxed completely. Jack nuzzled his face in the crook of Daniel’s throat, trying to bury his nose into Daniel’s skin. His arms came up and wrapped around Daniel’s waist squeezing tight.

Not wanting to break the moment, Daniel shifted and pulled Jack closer against him and held on tight. He could feel Jack’s strength grasping him harder around the waist then seconds later relaxing his grip just a fraction. Jack’s squeeze and release accompanied his face trying to burrow into Daniel’s throat.

Whatever had frightened Jack was slowly easing, and Daniel was going to let Jack take his time. There would be time enough to figure out what happened later.

Sighing, Daniel rested his cheek against the top of Jack’s head and continued to slowly rock the precious man in his arms.

******

The two men sat in the middle of the bed huddled together for a long time. Neither breaking the calming mood that was beginning to blanket them and the room.

Jack had stopped trying to climb into Daniel’s skin and was now just resting against the younger man. As Jack loosened his hold, Daniel’s grew tighter. He needed the constant pressure and he didn’t care who was doing it: him or Jack.

It was over a half an hour later that Jack started to stir, trying to break free from Daniel’s death grip. Jack sat up and regarded the other man, who immediately dropped his arms from around Jack and rested his clasped hands in his lap.

The hands did not stay idle for long and Daniel soon had a hand up and cupping Jack’s cheek in his palm.

“You okay?” Daniel asked in concern, extremely upset that he had inadvertently hurt his lover.

Jack closed his eyes to the soft caress but quickly opened them as memories flashed through his mind. Breathing deeply, Jack focused on the man across from him and managed a lop-sided smile. “I am now.”

“You want to tell me what happened?”

“Not really,” but before Daniel could protest, Jack amended, “But I will.”

Daniel rubbed the corner of Jack’s eye with the flat of his thumb, unconsciously wiping away the dampness that was just barely there. But he didn’t say anything, allowing his lover time to say what he needed.

“You know that when I was in Iraq, I was a prisoner for a few months, right?” Jack began. Daniel nodded, but remained silent. Jack took a deep breath and continued, “Well,” he sighed again, “when I woke up--the blindfold and my arms tied over my head…”

Daniel closed his eyes, guilt quickly beginning to eat away at him. Jack didn’t need to say anything else. His imagination was filling his head with the necessary details. He immediately dropped his hand from Jack’s cheek and bowed his head. “Oh god, Jack, I’m so sorry, I didn’t think…I didn’t know,” he whispered, anguish causing his voice to shake.

When he found the courage to open his eyes, he looked up at Jack intending to apologize again when Jack leaned forward and gently placed a finger over his lips. “I know you didn’t. I never told you. It’s not your fault you didn’t know. It’s just that…” Jack sighed again and removed his finger, closing his eyes and bowing his head. This was hard on him but he knew he had to tell Daniel everything.

Looking back up at Daniel, Jack swallowed hard and continued. “You know the nightmares that I have sometimes?”

Daniel nodded.

“Well, most of them are from… that time. And waking up blindfolded and not being able to move… Well, it brought back a… a not so great time there.”

Daniel ducked his head. He was feeling guiltier than before. He briefly glanced up at his lover before turning away again. “I didn’t think, Jack. I should have known from the nightmares you have, but… I just didn’t think.”

“There was no reason for you to Daniel,” Jack stated. “I’m not mad.”

Daniel didn’t look up. “You should be.”

Daniel suddenly felt a finger under his chin, lifting up his head. “No, I shouldn’t. You didn’t know and I sure as hell don’t expect you to. They…” he stopped and swallowed hard.

“Jack. You don’t have to explain. It’s okay. Really,” Daniel rushed to persuade Jack that he didn’t have to say anything. He didn’t really wanting to hear it anyway. But it actually sounded as though Jack needed to tell him. And if Jack needed to talk, then Daniel needed to listen, whether he wanted to or not.

“Yes, I do, Danny,” Jack said, reaching out to take Daniel’s hand in his own. “I won’t go into details, because I can’t. Not because it’s classified, but because I can’t.”

Daniel nodded his head to let Jack know that he understood.

“I was a prisoner for four months and they tried everything within their power to get me to tell them what they wanted to know.” Holding Daniel’s hand tighter, Jack waited until he had Daniel’s full attention before continuing. When Daniel’s eyes met Jack’s, the older man finished with, “Everything, Daniel.” The brown orbs bore into Daniel.

Daniel shivered. He knew what Jack meant now.

He couldn’t stop the two tears that dropped from each eye. “Jack, I…” Not able to say what he needed and wanted to say, Daniel merely leaned forward and engulfed Jack in a hug, bringing the other man to his chest and holding on, telling Jack without words everything that he was feeling because of Jack’s confession.

Daniel was amazed that Jack had turned out the way he did: loving and caring, full of life and joy, warm and friendly, loyal and courageous, all the things he was sure Jack’s captors tried to beat and ra—he couldn’t even say the word—out of him. Even through all that, Jack still felt love to the deepest depth of his heart and soul. And not just any kind of love; love for another man, specifically Daniel.

Only Daniel.

Daniel was just beginning to understand the depths of Jack’s character and every time he thought he knew it all, something else would show him he didn’t know a damned thing.

Jack was one amazing man.

And Jack was his.

“I love you, Jack.” He felt Jack sigh against him. The soft brush of eyelashes blinked against his jaw and a gentle caress of lips found the skin of his neck.

“Love you, too, Daniel.” Jack sighed. After a moment, Jack continued with a softer, “Thank you.”

Daniel frowned and moved back so he could see Jack’s face. The other man tried to snuggled closer, not seeming to want to be scrutinized by his lover, but Daniel leaned back enough to look into Jack’s face.

“For what?” he asked confused.

“For not letting what I said change how you feel about me,” Jack admitted.

Daniel smiled and brought Jack back to his chest, holding tightly. He held on tight for he knew what he was about to say… Jack would take the wrong way.

“But it has changed how I feel,” Daniel whispered against Jack’s hair.

Immediately, Daniel felt Jack stiffen in his arms and try to pull out of the embrace. Knowing that Jack would react accordingly, Daniel tightened his hold.

He continued, “It’s only showed me how much more I love you.”

“I don’t want your pity, Daniel,” Jack snapped, still struggling to remove himself from Daniel.

“Did I say anything about pity, Jack? It has nothing to do with that. I loved you before and I love you now. I just love you that much more for being as strong as you are and living through that shit for four months. You experienced and lived through something that most people could never understand… could never know. And you not only came out alive, but whole, too.”

During Daniel’s speech, Jack stopped trying to get free and relaxed against the other man’s chest, listening to what Daniel was saying.

Rubbing his face against Daniel’s shoulder, Jack whispered, “Not whole.”

Daniel squeezed tighter. “Okay, maybe that was the wrong choice of words. But you are a lot more whole than some other people I know. People who don’t have the excuse of having lived through the crap you have. I’d say that makes you pretty ‘whole’, Jack.”

The older man remained quiet, soaking in the words Daniel was saying.

After a few moments, Daniel finished, “I love you, Jack. I’m sorry you had to live through those four months. I would give anything to make it so you didn’t have to. But nothing that happened then could or would ever make me love you less. You just have to make sure that I don’t do anything to remind you of that time again. Okay?”

Jack nodded against Daniel’s throat.

“What did I do to deserve you?” Jack asked softly.

“Hell if I know,” Daniel groused. A small chuckle from the vicinity of his jaw lightened his heart and he squeezed Jack again.

“Ya keep doing that and you’re gonna break some ribs, Danny-boy.”

“Shut up,” Daniel muttered. “You love it and you know it.”

“Yeah, I do,” Jack’s soft voice answered seriously.

Not breaking his hold on Jack, Daniel scooted himself around so that he was laying back down on the bed, Jack tucked in next to him, graying head on his shoulder.

The two men stayed that way until finally Jack fell asleep, an arm and leg flung over Daniel’s chest and thigh.

Daniel couldn’t have been more content. The man he loved was right next to him, trusting him as he slept. He still felt vaguely guilty for doing what he did, but when he thought about it, it wasn’t his fault and Jack didn’t blame him, so it was time to move on and quit condemning himself.

Jack had taught him a lot over their years together and what was still so wonderful was that they were still learning together. The blame/guilt thing both still had a problem with and would, most likely, have for the rest of their lives. But, they’ve also come a long way.

“Quit,” Jack mumbled against his throat.

“What?” Daniel replied quietly, not wanting to wake Jack from his half-sleep.

“Thinking. Sleep now.”

Daniel smiled and buried his face in Jack’s hair. “’Kay,” he answered softly and followed his lover into sleep.

Finis