Green Trees and the Wonders of Star Trek

By Jinx

“Oh. My. God,” Jack exclaimed as he and the rest of SG-1 emerged from the wormhole.

The words were said with so much ferocity that Teal’c had his staff weapon aimed and ready, pointing it in front of him, scanning the area for the enemy. Carter didn’t think twice as she brought her weapon up and had it sighted in front of her, sweeping the weapon from side to side, attempting to locate the threat. Daniel, who was standing at Jack’s right side, took an involuntary step back behind Jack while his right hand went unconsciously to his side arm. However, none of the other three members of SG-1 could see what Jack was worried about.

Unaware that the rest of his team was gearing up for a fight, Jack went on, “Does ever single planet we go to have to have green trees? What’s with the green trees and blue sky thing? ‘Star Trek’ went to different colored planets. Why can’t we? Just once I would like to go to a planet with a purple sky and orange trees. How about pink grass or…?” At the collective groan around him, Jack looked up at his team. “What?!” Jack asked innocently as he took in the glares from the rest of the team. “What did I say?”

After his first question, Teal’c reset his staff weapon while Carter flipped the safety on her gun. (If one looked close enough, one would have been able to see the Jaffa actually role his eyes in annoyance.) Both relaxed as they realized that there was no threat to any of them. Daniel still stood behind Jack and merely dropped his chin to his chest and shook his head, dropping his hand from his side arm. He tried very hard to stifle his snicker, especially between the twin assaults of Sam’s glare and Teal’c’s disapproving stare, but he couldn’t help it. Jack was… well, just Jack and he expected nothing less from his lover.

“Sir?” Carter’s voice was clipped and annoyed. “The UAV showed traces of naquadah seven clicks that way,” she pointed to their left.

“Seven?” Jack groaned, ignoring his irate 2IC. His whine caused Daniel to snicker again and Jack turned to look at him, eyes squinted in mock-irritation. Not looking at the rest of the team, Jack stated, “Teal’c? You take point. Carter, then Daniel. I’ll take the six.” Daniel grinned at him and he turned to follow Sam off the platform of the stargate.

As Daniel and Sam moved away, they exchanged brief grins before the four of them headed towards their destination.

*******

As they moved through the open field, Jack couldn’t help but watch a certain someone’s ‘lovely backside’. It was one of the reasons he wanted to take their six. Any excuse to watch Daniel’s butt was good enough for him.

The MALP showed no real signs of civilization: just the trace of naquadah, which the Powers-On-Capitol-Hill seemed to want them to find every single blasted time them went on a mission. What they did with the stuff, he didn’t know. And if he bothered to ask Carter… Never mind. His eyes glazed over at the mere thought of Carter’s proposed explanation with what they did with the stuff.

A large rock was apparently in their path and Jack watched in acute fascination as Daniel stepped up onto the rock and then stepped down on the other side, the small movement accentuating his firm butt even more than normal.

Jack sighed.

He looked up just as Daniel turned around and looked over his shoulder at Jack. His incredibly not-so-innocent smile told Jack that his lover did it on purpose.

Bastard, Jack mused fondly, eyes flashing with amusement behind his sunglasses.

*******

“Why is the sky blue?” Jack stared musing to himself under his breath. “Every where we go, it looks so much like Earth, it’s sickening. Blue sky. Green trees. Green grass. Just once I’d like to see a red tree or…”

“Well, you could go to California and see the redwoods, Jack.”

Jack whipped up his head and stared at Daniel, who hadn’t missed a beat and was still walking in front of him as though he hadn’t spoken.

“Ha, ha. Very funny, Daniel. Those don’t count and you know it.”

Jack figured Daniel was smiling at him, but he couldn’t tell. All he could see was Daniel’s backside. And what a nice backside it is! Jack shook himself and pressed on with the rest of the group.

*******

They had been walking for an hour when the mutterings started behind them again. Carter risked a glance behind her and saw her CO grumbling about the color of the planet. Her eyes caught Daniel’s and the two scientists grinned at each other.

If there was one thing the colonel wasn’t, it was boring.

A rock skittered passed Daniel’s right foot and he looked behind him to see Jack kicking pebbles and leaves and any other hapless objects that had the nerve to get in his way.

“Boring ol’ grey rock. Dull brown leaves. Stupid blue sky. Same ol’ green trees. Captain Kirk didn’t have to put up with this monotony. And he was just a captain! I’m a colonel, for crying out loud. I should get pink trees. I demand purple grass. I order the sky to be red!”

By this time, Daniel and Sam were walking side by side, thoroughly enjoying Jack’s ramblings. They were caught unawares when a voice rumbled passed them from the front.

“If you recall, O’Neill. The color of the sky on P3x-513 was red once the ancient Goa’uld device was turned on.”

“That doesn’t count. It was artificial,” Jack sulked behind them.

Sam and Daniel exchanged grins as they caught up to Teal’c. The single-line formation had quickly turned into the three grouped in front with Jack bringing up the rear, grumping the entire time, much to the amusement of Carter and Daniel.

Teal’c, on the other hand, could not understand O’Neill’s anger. The sky was blue because of the oxygen and the trees were green because of photosynthesis. The grass for the same reason. He could not understand O’Neill’s strange behavior regarding the color of the planet. It was the way it was. Even on Chulak, the trees were green and the sky was blue. Why would the Goa’uld take their prisoners to a planet where they could not survive? Taur’i were a strange people.

Wanting to sound helpful, but knowing she was merely spurring the colonel on, Carter asked, “What about the ‘trees’ on P2J-455?” At the colonel’s quizzical expression, she elaborated. “The planet where the plants and the inhabitants communicated with each other thru sound.”

Jack screwed up his face like he’d just eaten a lemon. That planet brought back not nice memories. Especially between he and Daniel. “Those weren’t trees. They were… well, they were big honkin’ plant things.”

“But they were white, sir. With big pink flowers.”

“So? We have pink flowers on earth. And we have white plants. Just not that big. I don’t think,” he mumbled as his voice faded.

“What about the blue grass of Kentucky?” Daniel asked trying very hard not to laugh.

“Smart ass,” Jack grumbled before continuing, “Captain Kirk got all the cool stuff.”

“Who is this ‘Captain Kirk’? Teal’c asked, hearing the name for the second time that day.

Jack’s head snapped up and he stopped in his tracks, looking at Teal’c as though he’d grown another head. “You’ve never seen ‘Star Trek’?” The shock in his voice caused Teal’c to stop. It almost sounded as though he were going to be reprimanded at any moment.

“Is this a requirement?”

Jack’s eyes widened. “Hell yes it is! Everyone is required to see at least some episodes of ‘Star Trek’ in their lives.” He moved passed Carter and Daniel and continued his walk next to Teal’c explaining the wonders of the classic television show to the alien.

Carter and Daniel rolled their eyes at each other and followed their fearless leader, listening to him expound on the adventures of Kirk and his crew. At the mention of a beautiful green alien woman they could tell even Teal’c was growing interested in Jack’s tale.

Daniel shook his head and grinned. “Why do we put up with him?”

Carter smiled. “Because it would be a very boring universe without a Colonel O’Neill in it.”

Rolling his eyes, Daniel agreed. “Isn’t that the truth!”

And they walked on to yet another exciting adventure of SG-1.

Finis