Coastguards have issued warnings about Ian's smell

Ian is expected to sail slowly up and down the Redruth Straits at a speed of three knots, David Harvey said.

"It is one of the busiest paddling lanes in the world. Ian is not allowed by law to impede other vessels, because of his smell of cornish pasties, clotted cream and scones with jam on" he said.

The blockades comes in the wake of the Sticky enquiry which claimed Ian used his power and influence in Cornwall, to obtain a 'fast-tracked' cornish pasty for Jason Robinson's nanny, Matthew Lewis earlier this month. All three have strenulously denied the allegation although Jason did admit that '...no sorry Ive just cum again.'

Mr Le Grys, a young coastguard, said 'I can't believe it, I need to be sleeping and instead Im reading this ridiculous H22 Life xmas email about absolutely nothing in particular. Vote Tory.'

He said 'Alex has become soething of a revelation since buying his metro, but that doesnt mean he'll make it into the book of 'revelation'......ho ho ho merry xmas - thats ASDA price beep beep!!!!'

Senior source Robert Wade described the situation as 'disgraceful, absurd and rather funny, I can't believe H22 Life would print this rubbish, vive Les Stereophoniques!'

In a manger, not far from Bethlehem, Young Ricky sat, dreaming of Robert Key and said 'I don't givbe a monkies, Im playing a PS2 game with a rather aggresive title but its too early to say whether its an RPG or a salughter-fest. Where's that bassist from Passe gone? No seriously I cant remember who he was?

And Lady Emma Le Grys of Le Gryscestershire - Upon - Salter, added 'I can't believe I don't get more references in H22 Life, I must be living in the shadow of Lord Le Grys. I know what, I'll change my name to James to give myself a new edge to my caricature!!!'

And Chez Wade continued to party on all day, and all night, and all day, and all night, but then there was a power cut so they stopped......or did they? Oh yes they did!!!! Oh no they didnt!!! Oh.....sod this Im going home.

Dont forget books and brains tonight!!!

James