Coming Out as a Lesbian:

I came out in 2000, twenty-one days before my seventeenth birthday. I came out on my Mom’s birthday. I gave her the book Love, Ellen. I had heard it was a good book to help with the process, since it is written from the perspective of an accepting parent. I wrote a letter on the inside cover of the book and left it on the counter for my parents to discover.

When they found out, my mother cried. She wouldn't even talk to me. I was devastated. I envisioned hugs and, “We love you and accept you.” At that moment, when she wouldn't even speak to me, wouldn't even acknowledge my existence, I felt a wall come up between us. My mother had essentially rejected me. While she said degrading things to me, my father didn't stick up for me. My coming out was never acknowledged after that day, except in spiteful verbal attacks when I was caught watching a TV show about gay people, or reading something on the internet.

After I enrolled in college, I did not go home for four years. I didn’t go home for holidays. I didn't send birthday cards. I didn’t talk to my parents. At that time in my life I thought it was best to sever ties with my family. They couldn't accept me. They just made me feel bad about myself. Imagine that the people you love the most make you feel like you are nothing. I wasn't allowed to go home unless I was a fake person, a fantasy that my parents had of me.

I am now twenty four. Just a few years ago my parents and I started to rebuild our relationship. I think they realized that I am not going to change. I believe that my parents love me and would rather have me in their lives than not. While they had to accept me, I had to forgive them. It was a very long process that still continues.

My story is an extreme case of what can happen when a person comes out. Some parents are fine with it right away (and thankfully this is becoming the typical response). Some parents take time to absorb the information, others reject their children only to accept them years later, and some parents reject their children and never accept them.


Coming Out as Transgender:

What does being transgender mean? Transgender people are individuals whose gender expression and/or gender identity differs from conventional expectations based on their physical sex. The word transgender is an umbrella term which is often used to describe a wide range of identities and experiences including: transsexuals (people that want to change their physical sex), cross-dressers, genderqueers, and many more. Just to clarify, the majority of people who come out as lesbians will not eventually come out as transgender, BUT many people who are transgender first come out as lesbian/gay since it is an identity that is easier for people to understand.

I came out as transgender when I was nineteen. I didn't know that I was transgender from a very young age, but I had always thought that I should look like a man. That is how I imagined myself in my head. I didn't find anything unusual about that. I didn't explore my identity further until college when I was introduced to the LGBT community. When I started to meet other transgender people, something clicked. I was amazed. "Wow, you can really change how you look/sound/are?"

I didn't start taking hormones the next day or anything. It was (and still is) a slow process. I started by telling a few close friends about it. I picked a name and had people call me that. For the people that already knew me, it took a while for them to use the new name. In October of 2005, I had my name legally changed to Elijah.

The next step was to take testosterone. I’ve been on hormones for about two and a half years. Testosterone has the same effect on females as it does on males. It is like going through a second puberty, except as how a boy would experience it. Testosterone causes the voice to drop, muscle mass increases, you gain weight, and there is an increase in body and facial hair. In time I started to look and sound more like I had always imagined.

Being transgender sometimes poses problems. For example, my co-workers and supervisors do not know I am transgender. I am fine with passing as a man at work if I don’t think it is safe for me to reveal my identity. At past jobs I have been open about myself and it was not a problem. However, in North Dakota it is legal to discriminate against gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people. One mile away in Moorhead, Minnesota, it is not.

An example of employment discrimination I have encountered is:

I started a new job in April 2006 at a plastic manufacturing plant that specialized in rotational molding. During morning break I went to the men’s room. About an hour later one of the supervisors told me that I need to speak with him and the woman who hired me. So, being my naive self, I thought that it must mean something good. Maybe they decided that I was supervisor material after three hours on the job...

But, no. The woman starts out, "I heard a rumor...." This is when I realize that this will not be a good meeting. "I heard a rumor that you are using the men's room." So, it's out there. They know, obviously. I say, "I am transgender." I am told that it is fine because they deal with a lot of "gays" (even though gay and transgender are different. How so? Well, being gay is a sexual orientation or who one is attracted to; being transgender is a gender identity or what a person feels they are: a man or woman or both or neither or something in between).

The manager said he would tell people to not treat me any differently. But he went on to say that as long as my driver's license says female he will tell people I am a woman. I didn’t believe it was his place to do that. He can’t decide my gender for me!

In safe environments I don't care if people know. In my private life all of my friends and professors know about me and accept me. But, it is different when I’m at a new job where I don't know anyone and don't know how safe the environment is.

The woman who hired me tells me I have to use the women's restroom and asks if I comfortable with that. I say, “Yes, I would be fine with that, but other people will not be.” After all, I still look like a man. No matter which one I used, someone would have a problem. Am I just not supposed to pee while I'm there?

I was told that if my license was changed to say male then I could use the men's room. This all seemed strange to me since the problem in the first place was that someone whose physical sex was female was using the men’s room. Even if my license were changed I would still have a vagina.

I felt very humiliated and unsafe. The remaining time until I got to leave I thought about what they were whispering to each other wondered if it was the reason why no one was helping me do anything and on and on. It took all my will to stay until lunch so I could have a dignified walk-out (as opposed to me throwing down the tools and running out, which is what I felt like doing).

But, of course, I am glad I left that job. My only regret was that I didn't report it to the HRC of North Dakota. Do you think it is too late?

Coming out is an every day process. You don't just come out once. Each time it is different. Sometimes it will be a good experience, sometimes it will not.

Think of how many times a day a straight person "comes out." When a woman mentions her husband, when a man and woman talk about their kids, when heterosexual couples talk about getting married. Imagine how hard it would be to never talk about your significant other, or to not hold hands, because you're scared of getting verbally harassed, physically harmed, or even killed. Imagine how hard it would be if you had to hide who you are because you are afraid of losing your job.

In 34 states it is legal to fire someone just because they are lesbian, gay, or bisexual. In 44 states it is legal to fire someone just because they are transgender (source: American Civil Liberties Union). It also is not a hate crime in most states if someone kills me just because I am transgender. In fact, transgender individuals have a 1 in 12 chance of being murdered. In contrast, the average person has about a 1 in 18,000 chance of being murdered (source: Human Rights Campaign)



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