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Thu, 5 Jun 2003

hi. ok you so asked about my first love so this may get rather long. his name was josh and to this day he remains the only person that i have ever cared about. im not sure how i met him but we went to school together and i always had a crush on him. he could be so dorky but he was so damn cute. anyway years later i remember being in phys ed and we were at the swimming pool. ppl who wernt going to swim had to walk around the pool. i was swimming with some friends and i saw this guy walking around the pool. so i asked my friend missy " is that kid new here he is so hot!" well she laughed at me and was like oh god no thats josh. well ever after i was hooked. so a few more years pass and were in high school. my cousin jessica was friends with josh and we went to his house a few times. he had a crush on her so he would call me to talk about her. anyway she thought he was stalking her so she began to avoid him. and then after a while we started dating. first i thought it was just so he could get close to jessica. i dont know maybe it was. but then we dated for a year and a half. josh's friends started telling me that he was cheating on me. so i had to go to florida to dance at a college football game and when i cam back i heard that josh and jessica made out at his house. so then it became a hurt him before he hurt me sort of thing and i tried every evil thing i could think of to get him to hate me and break us up. i told him i thought he was stalking me, that i didnt want to be around him because he smoked pot once, that i needed space, just anything that came to my head. so after a while we broke up but he was still trying to get me back. i was so mean to him i cant ever forgive myself. josh went through every thing that you did with the exception of being homeless. i would get suicide letters from him and love letters.so flash forward 14 months and im dating his good friend joe. well im at joes house and were in his bed and were having this less than par make out session. so he says to me i cant believe you thought that josh cheated on you. we just made it up so you would break up because i was in love with you. so im like what the fuck, that is sick, your going to pay. well im making his life hell for the next two weeks and then his birthday comes. so happy birthday to you joe, july 28 1998, i lose my virginity to joshua in a little red pick up truck. so i went to college and josh moved away and he reinvented himself. he smokes, has long hair, a bad ass body and an awesome tattoo and hes got a totally different personality. we talk and kinda maybe friends but he thinks im a slut. it kills me but im still in love with him. everything i like about myself is because he put it there. ok enough on that. sorry its long but i warned you. as for what do i think of sex. i dont. i dont really care about sex. i get nothing out of it. maybe if i would have some mind blowing orgasm it would be different. i just do it because its what you do i guess. otherwise it never crosses my mind unless someone else brings it up. so i guess im a freak. talk to you later.

Wed, 4 Jun 2003

i am having the worst day. i woke up this morning to go to work and i had a head light burnt out on my car. so i thought oh well i will cahnge it when i get off. so im going to work and i get pulled over and i get a ticket for the fucking thing. yeah so i get home and i think oh my im hungery so im making a sandwhich and im eating it and i look down and there is mold on my bread. oh god i about died. so i think oh yuck maybe i should just eat cereal. all that i have in the cubard is my friends raisin bran. ok i hate raisins. so here i sit with a bowl full of this cereal and im picking out the raisins and i have no milk. then i sit down to email you and i get the subject wrote in and the damn thing sends itself with no message. its only noon and my day sucks. wow it sounds like you really went through hell there for a while. im sorry to hear that. i had a similar thing happen to me. first love. it hurt like hell when it was over and still does but i wouldnt trade a second of it to get rid of the pain. i think that the first love is the only true love that you ever get. after that its all about trying to recapture what you had the first time. oh this cereal sucks. well im going to get going.

Tue, 3 Jun 2003

hey whats up? just sitting here chatting thought i would email you back. honestly i have no idea y i got married. i told my mom i didnt want to and she freaked out. (you have to know my mom she is a total wack job control freek) when i lived with her i was never given a choise- never able to say no. so when he asked me i just said ok. she planed the whole thing. i hated all of it. so then it became a thing of if i get married then i get away from her so i did it. but you know whats weird - i never thought i would say this but now that i dont see her anymore i kinda miss being bitched at all the time, its way better than being ignored. so y do you hate your ex so much? oh by the way if we keep emailing then the ?s are bound to get better ,or worse, depending on how you look at it - so know now that at any time you can tell me fuk off if you dont want to answer. i dont mind i like ?s.

Mon, 2 Jun 2003

hi. i am soooooooooooooo bored. its 11 im the morning y am i awake. well my fave comics are johnny the homicidal maniac, the crow, and the mis-adventures of feek. im kinda single and kinda not. im married but were seperated and he lives out of state. weve been seperated 8 months but he wont sign divorce papers. he said he couldnt deal with my depression so now hes with his high school sweetheart and she is way psycho. so much worse than me. anyway thats how it goes i guess. im happier now.

Sun, 1 Jun 2003

i gotta write this fast sos i can get to watchin the tv. ok if i could only listen to 3 bands ever again they would be ozzy, stabbing westward, and metallica. i would say guns and roses but axls come back made me want to barf. any way got to go. next topic is comics.

Sat, 31 May 2003

whats up? im quite bored. im just sitting here chatting with ppl and emailing you. so im glad you dont find me boring. tho i do think im rather dull. anyway i got to play in my gardens today before it started to rain. my pumpkins are coming up. so happy. ok top 3 movies. this is hard because i have so many movies i could watch over and over again. im a huge tim burton fan so i totally love all his movies. so if i have to name only three they would be - dark city - joe dirt - and a christmas story. christmas story is my fave movie of all time. ok so what are your 3 fave movies? and top 3 bands or singers?

Wed, 28 May 2003

hi there. hey i found that movie so im going to watch it sometime. so i go to a shrink because i have depression. its not a big deal its caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain so i will most likley always have it. ive been in and out of therapy because i get to feeling better or i just get sick of it so i quit and then after a while i have to go back. yeah not much to it. well i better go before i bore you.