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[ some will seek forgiveness, others escape ]
Monday, 26 July 2004
. : + : . i l l u m i n a t o . a . c a u s a . d i . l u i . : + : .
current anthem:
together- avril lavigne [again, I know...]

I didn't get the chance to break up with him today, which I'm frustrated about. See, the girls went to Northbrook while the guys went to Marple, and we were gone almost all day. I s'pose I did have a small window of time where I could have talked to him, but I just wasn't prepared enough in the morning- I needed to talk to my friends first. Then in the afternoon there wasn't really any time, since my bus gets dismissed first. Tomorrow I must end it. I just need to tell him that I've never liked him as anything more than a friend and I thought that maybe if I went out with him that might change, but it never did; but that I think he's a really nice guy and that I want to stay friends. Although that's probably not going to happen, it's a nice attempt, right? I want to be honest without being brutal. That's what I would want, at least.
I talked to Mike Kim today...
I think/hope that he likes me. All of the leaders know but they won't tell me!! Grr. Lol it's funny, though.
I think I'm regaining my self-confidence. Lol, I lost some in the last few months, and now I'm feeling better again. I guess it comes from the mission trip- knowing what I'm capable of doing. I decided that I want to be a missionary/rock star. *cracks up* I know it sounds crazy- it even does to myself- but it's true. Heh.

Mission trip inside jokes:
[-x-] Veggie Tales!
[-x-] 'She had a beard, and it felt weird...'
[-x-] Lord of the Bling- so lame, yet so funny. *shrugs*
[-x-] 'What? Yeayah! Okay.'
[-x-] 'You MELON FARMER!'
[-x-] 'Are we going to go any higher?' 'Um, yeah, I think so.' 'WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!!!!'
[-x-] 'There aren't any birds in the car, silly!'
[-x-] Brad's pseudo-seizures
[-x-] Noah's Ark. Oh, God, that was horrible...*shivers*
[-x-] 'Where did they read about Noah's Ark, The Message?!'
[-x-] My terrifiedness [is that a word?] is always funny. Not at the time, of course, but afterwards, hehe.
[-x-] Pickle and cheese sandwiches- not limited to mission trips, but still.
[-x-] Anna 'having a crush' on Nils...hahaha I feel like such an idiot. Thanks, guys.
[-x-] My 'minor obsession' with Sharpies...I only have twelve, geez!
[-x-] The Sinister Building.
[-x-] Pittsburgh, a.k.a. 'Johnkerryketchupville'. Yes, I made that up, but ain't it the truth? ;]
[-x-] 'Ricky is....icky.'
[-x-] 'I have two pairs of socks to last me the rest of the week.'
[-x-] When I burned my mouth on the hot chocolate. 'OW! OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW!!!!!!!!!' [continues for ten minutes]
[-x-] Gabby counting how long it took for everyone to go to the bathroom and wash their hands and not letting anyone out unless it had been at least a minute.
[-x-] Dudy's emo face! Hahahah. Eric claims it's non-existant, but oh well...
[-x-] Lifesize chocolate moose!!
[-x-] Missionary/rock star. [Don't make fun of my ambitions! Hehe.]
[-x-] 'Ooh! Jenny, guess what? Dudy said I can eat the third floor of his house!'
[-x-] 'Someday when you're famous, you can wear my hat and then I can sell it for a lot of money.' 'But wouldn't it be of sentimental value?' 'Who cares? It's money.'
[-x-] Everyone's obsession with Brad's hat.
[-x-] Everyone's obsession with John Vogel. [What the-]
[-x-] Dancing on the picnic tables singing 'The River' when we got locked out.
[-x-] 'WHOA! These things are crayons!'
[-x-] How Jenny switched all the vans so I would be with Mike and we didn't even talk. *cracks up* Sorry...hehe.
[-x-] Stump Stomper!
[-x-] Weeding. That rawked- Dudy, Brad, Mini-Krone, you are awesome.
[-x-] 'I've got a pickle, I've got a pickle, I've got a pickle, hey, hey, hey, hey...' 'Hey, that's MY pickle!'
[-x-] Sergei, LaVar, Brad, and I in the van- remember how Sergei was talking to himself? Hahahahah...
[-x-] How I couldn't find my money for two days and then I found it when I was unloading the vans at church? Grr.
[-x-] Running around in the cemetery- and how I was terrified. *shivers*


Okay, bedtime...g'night, everyone!

Posted by crazy3/emocore027 at 8:46 PM EDT
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Sunday, 25 July 2004
. : + : . s c a r i l y . a c c u r a t e . : + : .
Enneagram Test Results
Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||||||| 69%
Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||||||| 65%
Type 3 Image Focus |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Type 4 Hypersensitivity |||||||||||| 41%
Type 5 Detachment |||||| 25%
Type 6 Anxiety |||||||||||||||| 69%
Type 7 Adventurousness |||||||||| 37%
Type 8 Aggressiveness |||||||||||| 46%
Type 9 Calmness |||||||||| 31%
Your Conscious-Surface type is 3w2
Your Unconscious-Overall type is 2w3
Take Free Enneagram Personality Test


Brain Lateralization Test Results
Right Brain (52%) The right hemisphere is the visual, figurative, artistic, and intuitive side of the brain.
Left Brain (50%) The left hemisphere is the logical, articulate, assertive, and practical side of the brain
Are You Right or Left Brained?(word test)
personality tests by similarminds.com

Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid |||||||||| 34%
Schizoid |||||| 30%
Schizotypal |||||||||||| 50%
Antisocial |||||||||| 38%
Borderline |||||||||| 38%
Histrionic |||||||||||||| 58%
Narcissistic |||||||||||||| 54%
Avoidant |||||| 30%
Dependent |||||||||||| 46%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||| 54%
Take Free Personality Disorder Test


I don't know if I agree with all of the above, but some I do. I AM obsessive-compulsive, I knew that already...but narcissistic? Hrmm.

For your information:
Disorder Info.

Eccentric Personality Disorders: Paranoid, Schizoid, Schizotypal

Individuals with these disorders often appear odd or peculiar.

Paranoid Personality Disorder - individual generally tends to interpret the actions of others as threatening.

Schizoid Personality Disorder - individual generally detached from social relationships, and shows a narrow range of emotional expression in various social settings.

Schizotypal Personality Disorder - individual is uncomfortable in close relationships, has thought or perceptual distortions, and peculiarities of behavior.

Dramatic Personality Disorders: Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, and Narcissistic

Individuals with these disorders have intense, unstable emotions, distorted self-perception, and/or behavioral impulsiveness.

Antisocial Personality Disorder - individual shows a pervasive disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others.

Borderline Personality Disorder - individual shows a generalized pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness.

Histrionic Personality Disorder - individual often displays excessive emotionality and attention seeking in various contexts. They tend to overreact to other people, and are often perceived as shallow and self-centered.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - individual has a grandiose view of themselves, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and is present in various situations. These individuals are very demanding in their relationships.

Anxious Personality Disorders: Avoidant, Dependent, Obsessive-Compulsive

Individuals with these disorders often appear anxious or fearful.

Avoidant Personality Disorder - individual is socially inhibited, feels inadequate, and is oversensitive to criticism

Dependent Personality Disorder - individual shows an extreme need to be taken care of that leads to fears of separation, and passive and clinging behavior.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder - individual is preoccupied with orderliness, perfectionism, and control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency.

Eysenck's Test Results
Extraversion (60%) moderately high which suggests you are talkative, optimistic, and sociable but possibly not very reflective.
Neuroticism (62%) moderately high which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and nervous.
Psychoticism (30%) low which suggests you are very good natured, trusting, and helpful but possibly too much of a follower.
Take Eysenck's EPQ-R based Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com


Cattell's 16 Factor Test Results
Warmth ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Intellect ||||||||||||||| 42%
Emotional Stability |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Aggressiveness ||||||||||||||| 46%
Liveliness |||||||||||| 34%
Dutifulness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Social Assertiveness |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Sensitivity |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Paranoia |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Abstractness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Introversion |||||||||||| 34%
Anxiety ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Openmindedness ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Independence |||||||||||| 38%
Perfectionism ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Tension ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Take Free 16pf based Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com


That one was a good one. Take it. Now.

I'm gonna go, school supply shopping. Yes, in July. *grins* I need a pick-me-up. ;]

Posted by crazy3/emocore027 at 12:52 PM EDT
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. : + : . h o . r i n v i a t o . i n . f i n e . : + : .
current anthem:
together- avril lavigne [it's not my fault, my sister was playing the cd..]

I'm back! I don't have much time to write because I have Sunday school this morning at 9:30 and the Krones are picking me up at around 9:15. So yeah.
The mission trip was...amazing. And awesome. I can't even begin to describe it, although most of the people who will be reading this went with me, so they'll understand. Our homeowner's name was Mrs. Ferina, and she was really sweet. Mini-Krone and I cried when we had to leave. I just didn't feel like I had done all that I could do for her, even though I had so much. She was so generous even though she had so little, which showed me how I have to be in the future.
I made a decision. I have to break up with Ricky. I don't mean that I think I should, I mean that I must. I had a lot of time to think about it this week and that's the only way I can see that will be good in the future. I can't continue leading him on- it's better to break his heart now before it continues into the future, right? Because then breaking up with him will be even harder. Also, it's making me really unhappy, and Eric even noticed that I've been really distracted this week. And it's true. When I was on the mission trip, much of the time all I could think about was what I had to do or what was going on at home. And most of that was about this situation. *sighs* I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I know that I have to- and soon.

Posted by crazy3/emocore027 at 8:24 AM EDT
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Friday, 16 July 2004
. : + : . m e s s a g e . : + : .
If it is July seventeenth and you are reading this, I am in Pittsburgh [yay!]. I'll be back next weekend! Pray for us.

Posted by crazy3/emocore027 at 9:44 PM EDT
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Thursday, 15 July 2004

If I was a soap star, I would be:
THE SOAP STAR SAINT.
Like "The Young and the Restless" star Cricket Williams, you would be the one to call when there's a crisis. You'd find yourself diving into icy water to rescue car crash victims and running into burning buildings to retrieve puppies. With absolutely no tolerance for scheming and revenge plots, you'd be the character to stop the bad guys from running the show. And, yes, you'd be sweet enough to make the viewing public sick.
_____________________________________________________
Lol that's so true. ;]

Today I TRIED to avoid him again, but it didn't work. He says 'hi' to me every time he sees me, even if from like, fifty feet away. I'm like *cringes* 'Er, hi.'. I don't know if I like him or not, I guess. Like, he's a really nice guy, but...I don't know. I don't know anything about him, really. *shrugs* And I'm pretty sure that when he finds out I'm not going to be here next week, he'll try to kiss me or something. *hides*

Posted by crazy3/emocore027 at 5:57 PM EDT
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Wednesday, 14 July 2004
. : + : . w h a t ' s . a . g i r l . t o . d o ? . : + : .
current anthem: together- avril lavigne [my sister just bought the cd so i overheard the lyrics and was like *blink*]

Okay. So maybe I don't like him.
He's been following me around all day. My friends are still bugging us and so he was like 'They said for me to put my arm around you.' so I was like 'Okay..' and so he did. Then the rest of the time they were bugging us to kiss. Needless to say, I abstained from doing so. But now it's not going to stop until I do. *urgh*

Posted by crazy3/emocore027 at 7:59 PM EDT
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Tuesday, 13 July 2004
. : + : . a n c o r a . i n d e c i s o . : + : .
current anthem[s]:
kiss the flame: jewel
thinking about you: me [lyrics posted in earlier entry]

Ay. Dios. Mio. This kid really likes me, haha.
Today I was sitting on the bench next to the pool at camp 'cause I forgot to put my bathing suit in my bag so I couldn't go swimming. So I'm reading 'Snow Falling on Cedars' [just finished it- SO GOOD] when Krista goes 'Robin! Ricky wants you.' so I walked over to below where he was. See, the pool building has two floors- one lower one, where the pool and locker rooms are, and then one upper one that isn't complete- it has a railing and then the majority is just air so it looks down over the pool. So he motioned for me to come over then drops this package down to me. The paper was covered in pictures of Dashboard Confessional [I was like YEAH! lol]. Then I sat down and opened it and it was this not-so-beautiful necklace that he had made for me. It was on black gimp and had tiny skulls, big plastic shark teeth, and a really awesome laser in the middle of it, lol. So I put it on and I waved to him and then went back to my book, putting the paper back in my bag. About an hour later, Alicia was looking at the necklace and I showed her the paper and she opened it and I noticed that something was written on the inside [*gasp*]. So I read it and it said 'will you kiss me?' and my face went pink..
I think I might like him...but not as much as he likes me. I'm not sure if I'm ready for this...

Posted by crazy3/emocore027 at 4:56 PM EDT
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Monday, 12 July 2004
. : + : . d e c i s i o n i , d e c i s i o n i . : + : .
Um. Today we went bowling. And Ricky was like 'Will you bowl with me?' so I dragged Mary Kathryn with me and stuff. And it was okay. And then we watched The Karate Kid back at camp and he was like 'Want to hold hands?' and I was like 'Um. Okay.' and so we did. And he was like, rubbing my hand. I was like *raises eyebrows* lol. I think I might like him. But I'm not sure so don't quote me on that or hold me to it. ;]
Whatever. It's my bedtime...g'night.



FIVE DAYS TILL THE MISSION TRIP!!

Posted by crazy3/emocore027 at 8:53 PM EDT
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Sunday, 11 July 2004
. : + : . a n c o r a . p e n s i e v e . : + : .
I don't know why I'm so afraid of death. I'm letting my fears take over my life. I mean, if I die, then my body's dead, sure, but the rest of me's in Heaven, right? So what's so scary about that? ;] Maybe I'm afraid that I won't complete what I want to in life. But what do I want to complete? What is it that's so important that I must finish it before I die? Honestly, I don't even have an inkling. *sighs* I don't know. But I know that my fears have gone too far when I'm not living my life because I'm afraid to die. I suppose I'm afraid of the moment before death- that it'll be terrifying. Is that it? I'm not sure. I can't comprehend my own mind, lol. *sighs* I'm so stupid sometimes.

Posted by crazy3/emocore027 at 8:10 AM EDT
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Saturday, 10 July 2004
. : + : . a . r e c e n t . c o n v e r s a t i o n . : + : .
Movie: ...blah blah blah...Ramone...blah blah blah...
Me: What's his name?
Laurel: Ramo.
Me: Are you sure it's not 'Ramone'?
Laurel: Yeah, it could be. See, there's Carmen, and then there's his brother, Ramo. Or Ramone. Whatever. They're balls.
Me: They're WHAT?!
Laurel: Bulls. B-U-L-L-S.
Me: Oh. I thought you said 'balls'. *collapses on ground hysterically laughing*
Carmen and Ramone, the ball brothers...*dies*

Posted by crazy3/emocore027 at 6:56 PM EDT
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