THE RULES of CHICAGO
First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It
is Chi-ca-go, or Cha-ca-ga depending on if you live
North or South of Roosevelt Rd.
We all know that the North side is for "normal"
people...cross that line to the South and you are in
the Twilight Zone back in the 50's where there's a
bowling alley on every corner.)
Next, if your road map is more then a few weeks old,
throw it out, and buy a new one. If in Naperville and
your map is one day old, then it is already obsolete.
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere.
Chicago has its own version of traffic rules..."Close
your eyes, hit the gas, and pray!"
There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase
in Chicago. We all drive like that!
All directions start with, "Get on I-94" which has no
beginning and no end.
The morning rush hour is from Midnight to Noon. The
evening rush hour is from Noon
to Midnight. The weekend rush hour starts on Thursday
morning.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be
rear ended, or possibly shot.
When you are the first one on the starting line, count
to five when the light turns green before going to
avoid crashing into all the drivers running the red
light
in cross-traffic.
Construction on the Northwest Tollway is a way of life
and a permanent form of entertainment. We had sooooo
much fun with that we have added 294, Elgin - O'Hare
and I-355 to the mix.
All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase,
"Oh, we must be in Cicero!"
If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is
probably a factory defect on their
vehicle.
Car horns are actually the native language. They are
also used by cabbies behind you to let you know that
the light will turn green in 5 seconds.
If asking directions in Cicero you must speak Spanish.
If in Bridgeport, Mandarin Chinese will be your best
bet.
If you stop to ask directions on the West or South
side you will need to know Ebonics, have a death wish,
or you are wearing a bulletproof vest.
A trip across town (East to West) will take a minimum
of four hours, although many North/South streets have
unposted minimum speeds of 75 mph.
The minimum acceptable speed on the Dan Ryan is 95,
especially if you are driving a 10 tonwaste hauler
with bald tires, no tarp, and no mud flaps.
The wrought iron bars on windows near Englewood and
Austin are NOT for ornamental purposes!
The Congress expressway is our daily version of
NASCAR.
The Dan Ryan is called "The Death Trap" for two
reasons: Which of those 2 words
don't you understand?
It is highly advisable not to try to pet or feed those
packs of wild dogs roaming on the shoulder of the
road.
If it's 100 degrees, it's the Taste Of Chicago. If
it's 10 below and snowing, it's opening day at
Comiskey Park.
If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, then the
Western open Golf Classic is in
the second round.
If you go to Wrigley Field, pay the $25.00 to park in
"Cubs Lot". Parking elsewhere
could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees,
tickets, etc.
If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in
his "yard", run him over.
And the most important thing to remember is this...if
you park on a side street side where someone has
blocked off a parking space with a broom and a kitchen
> > > chair...
> > > You WILL be killed!!!
> > >
> > > Welcome to Chicago!
