Holiday
Well, well, well! Aren't you lucky! You have just discovered the construction site for K&K's new spoof! It's still in progress, but lucky you, you get a sneak peek! Enjoy! You deserve it! ;)
(NOTE BY K&K: Put the kids to bed early for this one! This has to be one of our darker works! We'll try not to make it *too* horrific, but remember, some people's "mild" is another person's "horror"! Don't worry, you will see a lot of twisted humour, such as in S.P.O.M.E., but we just wanted to give you a heads-up! The house is partially based on a house we looked at while house-hunting. Kisa got a very bad "vibe" while in the basement and after seeing a certain room (the first one Aragorn sees) refused to even consider the place. Oh, and we don't claim to own J.R.R. Tolkien's characters, nor do we try to gain profit from this! Just read, laugh, jump and be merry! :-) )
STARRING:
LEGOLAS
HALDIR
ARAGORN
ARWEN
BOROMIR
MERRY
PIPPIN
FRODO
GIMLI
GANDALF
[the gang has decided to take a vacation! Let's listen in on the conversation!]
[in Starbucks where our peeps are seated: ]
HALDIR: Frodo, where's Sam?
FRODO: He's not coming... He and Rose are going to Buckland for the Fall.
ARWEN: I called Eowyn, she and Faramir are staying in Edoras with Eomer.
LEGOLAS: And GlorfiMac is working on a record I guess. Something about "phat beats"...
PIPPIN: Where are we going again?
[Aragorn stands up and gets all "kingly"]
ARAGORN: We don't know. But we are here to make that decision!
ARWEN: Aragorn. sit down! Now where should we go?
MERRY: Anywhere but Barad-Dur!
BOROMIR: Barad-Dur!
LEGOLAS: Shut up, Boromir.
[suddenly, Kendall walks up to Aragorn]
KENDALL: Hey, can I borrow some cotton?
ARAGORN: Now?
KENDALL: Yeah... I need it for... Something. [glances around]
ARAGORN: Well I usually don't carry it around with me when I go places!
KENDALL: Aw, that sucks... I'm gonna hafta buy some. [pauses] Got some money?
[Kisa walks over, gives Frodo a squeeze, and then walks off again]
ARAGORN: [to Kendall] Well I-, oh, here. [gives Kendall some money]
KENDALL: Oh, that's right, they won't let me come in the store anymore... You'll have to go buy it for me.
ARAGORN: WHAT??
HALDIR: What'd you do?
KENDALL: You don't wanna know...
ARAGORN: [standing up with a groan] All right, I'll go get the stupid cotton...
[Aragorn walks over to the door]
KENDALL: [calling after him] And don't get the balls! Get the whole [holds up hands] thing.
[Kendall sits in Aragorn's chair, next to Arwen. Kisa comes back over]
KISA: What are you doing?
KENDALL: Sitting.
KISA: Did you get the cotton?
KENDALL: Aragorn's getting it for me.
LEGOLAS: Why do you two need cotton???
K&K: IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!!!
LEGOLAS: Okay, sorry...
MERRY: Gawsh, you two are scary...
[Kisa pushes Frodo out of his seat, sits down, and pulls him into her lap]
[awkward silence]
KENDALL: Sooo... Goin' on vacation?
PIPPIN: Yeah...
KENDALL: Wow.
GANDALF: Where IS Aragorn???
[Haley bursts into the shop]
HALEY: Kisa! I found Hamtaro plushies! PIPPIN!
PIPPIN: O.O
[as Haley grabs Pippin, Aragorn comes back into the shop]
ARAGORN: Here's your dang cotton!
KENDALL: [standing up] Ah thank you.
[Kisa gives the hobbits some final huggles and prepares to leave with Kendall and Haley]
KISA: This cotton thing never happened.
[the three leave]
ALL: o.O
ARAGORN: Okay, as I was saying, some friends of mine have this huge farm in the mountains and are going away for a few weeks. They need someone to keep an eye on the place... They don't have any animals or anything, they just want someone to make sure nobody messes with the house.
MERRY: Whoa, whoa, whoa, we aren't gonna be stuck cleaning the place, are we?
ARAGORN: That's the beauty of it! We don't have to worry about cleaning! They said if we don't want to, we don't have to!
BOROMIR: Unless you're Legolas...
LEGOLAS: Is it a crime that I need to be in a clean house??
BOROMIR: No, just a mental handicap!
[Legolas lunges for Boromir's throat]
[a bit later...]
ARAGORN: Right, so are we going?
GANDALF: Sure.
ARAGORN: Great! I'll give them a call!
[the next day, Arwen calls her dad to tell him she'll be gone for a while]
ELROND: Where are you going?
ARWEN: Some place called "Spring Mountain" farm...
[silence]
ARWEN: Dad? You there?
ELROND: Don't tell me you just said that you're going to "Spring Mountain" farm!
ARWEN: Erm, yeah...
ELROND: You shouldn't be going there. This is your *husband's* idea, isn't it??? I always said Aragorn's an idiot...
ARWEN: Dad, what are you talking about?
ELROND: Do you remember when we were trying to find the place to hold "Scariest Places"?
ARWEN: Oh, Dad, give me a break...
ELROND: We considered that farm along with Barad-Dur, Minas Morgul and that "Pottery Farm" down on Engleman Street!
ARWEN: Daddy! That "Pottery Farm" is NOT haunted! How many times do I have to tell you??
ELROND: ANYWAY! You shouldn't be going there!
ARWEN: Dad, this conversation is over. I'll see you in two weeks! I love you!
ELROND: Arwe-
ARWEN: BYE!! [hangs up]
[the next day, the travelers gather outside the fifteen-passenger van they're to drive to the farm in]
PIPPIN: SHOTGUN!
GANDALF: Oh no, you don't, you fool of a Took!
ARWEN: Aragorn, can I talk to you?
ARAGORN: About what?
ARWEN: About the farm we're going to...
ARAGORN: What about it?
ARWEN: I talked to my dad the other day...
ARAGORN: Oh, here we go... He probably told you it's wrapped in asbestos, didn't he??
LEGOLAS: Okay! All loaded up!
BOROMIR: Me too! [takes another hit from his beer bottle]
LEGOLAS: [rolls his eyes] Let's get out of here!
[5 hours later...]
GIMLI: Hey, Pippin.
PIPPIN: What?
GIMLI: Mississippi is a long word. How do you spell it?
PIPPIN: M-I-S-S-I-P-I?
GIMLI: [stares for a minute] One, your spelling of Mississippi is really, really wrong... Two, I asked you to spell "it", which is spelled I-T!
PIPPIN: What?? I spelled Mississippi wrong??
FRODO: [rubbing his temples] Are we there yet?
[after 10 hours of driving, the happy campers arrive at a huge farm house with dark windows and a vast corn field with lurking shadows]
LEGOLAS: Cute cottage, Aragorn.
ARAGORN: Wow... Well, I'm sure it doesn't look so horrible in the daylight.
BOROMIR: Are you sure the people who live here really are alive??
FRODO: Oh, come on! It's probably very nice inside!
MERRY: Wow, Fro, as I remember, you passed out when you saw the Dark Tower in SPOME!
FRODO: This is just a farm! Old Maggot's farm sure looked creepy at night, but it was actually a very pleasant place! I am determined to enjoy myself! I'm not going to let you people scare me with your "scary stories of horror and death" crud!
[Frodo picks up his bag and walks stoutly to the front door]
HALDIR: Wow. Frodo's come a long way!
[the others picks up their things and cautiously follow Frodo to the porch]
[Frodo slowly pushes open the screen door]
SCREEN DOOR: Crrrrrreeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaak...
[ominous silence except for the faint tinkling of windchimes]
ARAGORN: Uhm, well, let's see, where's a light?
[Merry flips a switch and the room is illuminated by a warm orange glow]
ARAGORN: There now, that's better! Let's see, I'm going to scout out the rooms and figure out who should sleep where.
GANDALF: I'm going to have a look out back.
ARWEN: I'm going to see what they have to eat.
LEGOLAS: I'm going to... I'm just going to look around.
[Aragorn walks down a flight of stairs into an unfinished basement with eerily long and empty hallways]
ARAGORN: Cozy.
[He walks down a very long hallway and enters a small, white-washed room with a single window well and a baby bassinet standing in the shaft of light coming through the window, a white rocking-chair sitting next to it. Aragorn frowns and turns around to find Legolas two inches away from him]
ARAGORN: WAAAAAAUUUUGGGH!!!!
LEGOLAS: AAAAAAAUUUUUUGH!!!
ARAGORN: [clutching at his chest, panting] LEGOLAS! What are you DOING??
LEGOLAS: Looking for you! Geez, you scared the stuff outta me!
ARAGORN: Likewise!
[the next morning is grey and the clouds look like rain, but Haldir and Legolas decide to have a look around the property. They walk through the corn field and come to a walking trail that goes through the woods]
LEGOLAS: Your legs don't hurt, do they?
HALDIR: Stupid question. Let's go.
[they walk for a while when they come to a small cabin]
HALDIR: Oo, that's kinda creepy...
LEGOLAS: Yeah. Let's go inside.
HALDIR: Are you crazy?? I'm not gonna go inside!!
LEGOLAS: Don't be such a pansy! Paaansssyyy!!
HALDIR: Legolas, I-
LEGOLAS: PAAAANNSSSYYYY!!!
HALDIR: ALL RIGHT! WE'LL GO INSIDE! You don't have to be such a jerk!
[Legolas opens the door and the two elves step inside apprehensively to find dolls hanging on nooses from the ceiling. As they step in, the door shuts behind them]
HALDIR: Legolas, let's go now!
LEGOLAS: No, come on! Let's just look around some more!
[the crackling of leaves being stepped on is heard outside]
LEGOLAS: What was that??
HALDIR: Stop it! This is creepy enough!
LEGOLAS: No, seriously, listen!
[they pause]
SOUND: Snap!
[Haldir grabs Legolas' arm]
HALDIR: [in a shriek] OHMIGOSH, LEGOLAS!
LEGOLAS: No, come on, it's probably just Aragorn or something. HELLO! ANYONE OUT THERE?
HALDIR: [whose voice has apparently gone high at the point of no return] Legolas, sh!! Don't talk to it!!
LEGOLAS: Haldir, chill.
[suddenly, something bangs heavily on the door]
DOOR: [heavily] BANG!
[Legolas grabs Haldir's arm and pulls him under a table standing to the side of the room]
LEGOLAS: [in a whisper] What the heck was that??
[Something passes swiftly by the window across the room from them]
HALDIR: Legolas, I'm scared!
LEGOLAS: Shut up, Haldir!
[they look back at the door to see a silhouette of a person's head in the small window near the top of the door]
LEGOLAS, HALDIR: O.O
[the door abruptly swings open, banging on the doorframe, revealing...nothing]
LEGOLAS, HALDIR: *shriek!*
[after a few minutes]
LEGOLAS: Okay... I don't think anything's out there... Let's just, walk back to the house.
HALDIR: [through distressed gasps] Oka-hay...
[the two of them slowly get up and Legolas peers out the door into the forest]
LEGOLAS: Okay, I think he-
[Legolas turns to Haldir and sees a dark face with yellow eyes in the window behind him]
LEGOLAS: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!
[Haldir slowly turns to see the face as well]
HALDIR: O.O AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
[Legolas and Haldir dash for the house, running as fast as elves can run]
[meanwhile, Merry and Pippin discover a Scarecrow in the middle of the cornfield]
MERRY: Pippin, look at this.
PIPPIN: Okay that's just creepy...
MERRY: What?
PIPPIN: That looks exactly like that scarecrow in that flash movie...
MERRY: Oh, Pip, really!
PIPPIN: It's just kind of freaky, okay?
[Merry rolls his eyes and examines the figure closer to find something white showing under the scarecrow's clothes]
MERRY: What is that...?
PIPPIN: What's what?
MERRY: The frame is white...
[Merry pulls back the sleeve a bit and yelps in horror]
PIPPIN: What??
MERRY: Pippin! This was a person!
PIPPIN: O.O Stop it.
MERRY: No! Look! [removes the glove to reveal the bones of a human hand]
PIPPIN: O.O Let's go.
MERRY: Who do you think did this?? You don't think the people who live here...
PIPPIN: Merry, I now know why you told me on the Quest that a Brandybuck could outdo a Took in curiosity, now let's GO!
MERRY: All right, come on. We need to tell Aragorn.
PIPPIN: I'll say! Just, don't tell Frodo, okay?
[Merry agrees and the two hasten back to the house]
[back at the house, Gimli is exploring the basement when he suddenly hears the sound of a baby crying]
GIMLI: What in the world...?
[he follows the sound to the room with the bassinet and rocking chair and finds the window open, the chair rocking. As soon as he walks in, the crying stops]
GIMLI: [frowns] Huh. Weird.
[he shuts the window and as he turns to the door, gets a glance in the bassinet. There is a pacifier lying in it]
GIMLI: ...I guess the owners of the house have a baby and forgot this.
[Frodo walks in, scaring Gimli half to death]
GIMLI: DON'T DO THAT!
FRODO: What's wrong?
GIMLI: I just got a little freaked out... I thought I heard a baby crying.
FRODO: I heard it too! I came down here to see what it was!
GIMLI: Hey, do you know if the owners of this house have children?
FRODO: No, I don't. Come on, Arwen's got lunch ready.
[Gimli follows Frodo out of the room, shooting a last look at the bassinet]
[as Gimli and Frodo come up the stairs, Legolas and Haldir run in, panting]
LEGOLAS: [to Haldir] I'm sure it was just some...dude.
HALDIR: Legolas, I had one of those Elvish premonitions of doom! I haven't been that scared since the first time I saw a dragon!
LEGOLAS: Yeah, I felt it too... Why do you think I ran so fast? But listen, we can't tell the others we shrieked, okay? I already have a bad rap... Yours isn't so great either.
HALDIR: Okay, but what about that guy?
LEGOLAS: THAT we can tell them about!
FRODO: [hearing this last sentence] What guy?
HALDIR: Uhm, where's Aragorn?
FRODO: O.o He's in the kitchen with Arwen... Over there.
[Legolas and Haldir go into the kitchen just as Merry and Pippin run in]
FRODO: What's the matter??
MERRY: We just- [Pippin slaps him upside the head] –got attacked by a mother crow! It was scary!
PIPPIN: Where's Aragorn?
FRODO: In the kitchen... Wait! Tell me what happened!
PIPPIN: Nothing happened! Except for that crow thing!
[Merry and Pippin run into the kitchen. Frodo glares after them for a while and then hears a baby cry again. He frowns and follows the sound back down into the basement. He pauses in the main hall for a minute, listening, and then continues down the hall into the room where he found Gimli before. Once again, the sound stops and Frodo sees that the window is again open and the chair appears to be rocking in the breeze.]
FRODO: Now I know Gimli shut that...
[He walks over and firmly shuts the window, checking the lock. He pauses for a moment and then steps out of the room. As soon as he does, the crying starts again]
FRODO: O.O [whips around to face the room]
[the sound again ceases. But this time, Frodo could tell that it was coming from under the bassinet. He cautiously walks over and lifts the bassinet skirt to find nothing]
FRODO: Weird...
[just before he lowers the skirt, something about the floorboards under the bassinet catches his eye. They sink a bit lower than the rest of the floor. Frodo reaches down to touch the floor, but is interrupted by Gandalf]
GANDALF: Frodo, what are you doing?
[Frodo jumps, hitting his head on the bassinet]
FRODO: [rubbing his head] Gandalf! How long have you been standing there??
GANDALF: Not long. Find anything interesting?
FRODO: [looking back at the bassinet] Erm, no... No, not really...
GANDALF: Well, lunch is ready. We weren't sure if you knew. [Frodo doesn't respond] Frodo?
FRODO: Huh? What?
GANDALF: What is it?
FRODO: Nothing. Okay, I'm coming. Lead the way!
[meanwhile, four frantic hobbits and elves tell Aragorn about their adventures]
MERRY: ...I'm serious, they were BONES! PERSON bones!!
HALDIR: ...And there was some guy in the window!!
ARAGORN: Whoa, whoa, whoa! One at a time! So, Legolas, you and Haldir claim to have been trapped in some Satanic cabin by a madman, and Pippin, you and Merry found a human scarecrow?
PIPPIN, LEGOLAS: YES!
ARAGORN: Okay, I'll tell you what, I'll give the police a call and have them come up here, okay?
[as soon as he finishes saying this, there is a blinding flash of lightening and a huge crack of thunder just before the power goes out]
LEGOLAS: Aw great, we're sitting ducks now, my friend!
ARWEN: [trying the phone] The phones are out too.
[a bit later, who should walk through the door but K&K]
ARAGORN: Oh my GOSH!
KISA: Chill. The whole town is without power and we came to check on you. We brought flashlights and- [shudders] Whoa, hey, how long are y'all staying here??
PIPPIN: Two weeks...
KISA: [frowns] Do you mind if I look around a bit?
KENDALL: What's the matter?
KISA: I dunno... I'll be right back. [disappears into the basement]
[the temporary residents look at each other]
GIMLI: What was THAT about?
KENDALL: She feels houses. [shrugs] Maybe this is a bad one... [gives Aragorn an evil smirk] Good luck sleepin' tonight, Aragorn!
ARAGORN: o.O
FRODO: I for one want her to look in that room downstairs...
GIMLI: Me too! Let's go!
[Frodo and Gimli go down into the basement and find that Kisa is already standing in the room they were referring to]
KISA: Hey, is anybody sleeping in here?
FRODO: No... There's no bed.
KISA: Good.
GIMLI: What's the matter?
KISA: This is a bad room.
FRODO: O.O What makes you say that...?
KISA: [shrugs casually] Do y'all have plenty to eat up here?
GIMLI: Yeah... What's wrong with this room??
KISA: Plenty of batteries?
FRODO: Yeah... What's wrong with this room??
KISA: I dunno... Could be nothing.
GIMLI: What makes you say it's bad?
KISA: I'm not a "psychic" if THAT'S what's your implying! That stuff's garbage!
[Frodo grabs Kisa's wrist furiously]
FRODO: You feel something, now TELL ME!
KISA: [stares at him in surprise] Okay! [to Gimli] For a while now, whenever I walk into a room, I get a [does finger quote-y thing-y] "vibe". It may sound stupid, but it's almost like a way of sensing the room's "mood" if it can have a mood... I don't know what affects it... Maybe the lighting, maybe the sense of something that happened in the room. [shrugs] It just happens.
GIMLI: O.o Right... And what do you "feel" in this room?
KISA: This is a bad room. I don't know why, but I suggest you all stay out of it. I don't know what's up with the baby bassinet, but that's the worst spot...
FRODO: O.O
KISA: What?
FRODO: Earlier... Gimli and I heard a baby crying...
KISA: O.O That's freaky...!
FRODO: That's not all, I think there's something under this floor...
[Kisa pauses]
KISA: Well, are you gonna dig up the floor, or am I gonna have to?
FRODO: I was hoping you'd say that...
[Kendall walks in with two axes slung over his shoulder]
KENDALL: Me too!
[he throws Kisa an axe and the two of them begin hacking away at the floor after moving the bassinet]
KENDALL: Hey, maybe there's a well under here!
KISA: Eeewwww! Let's not think about that, okay?
[K&K break through the floor and peer into a hole that they have discovered]
K&K: O.O WHOOAAA!!!!!!! [hastily begin covering the hole again]
FRODO: Wait!! What'd you see??
KISA: Nothing! Nothing under there!!
GIMLI, FRODO: O.O
KENDALL: [nervously] Hahaha, who's hungry?
[the four of them go upstairs to join the others for the remainder of lunch]
GANDALF: Find anything?
KISA: nope! Not-a-thing! *cough*
[a little while later, the baby is heard crying again. Kendall jumps up, grabs his axe and dashes down the stairs screaming, "I'M GONNA KILL IT!"]
[the others follow him into the room with the bassinet, which he shoves aside and begins reopening the hole]
KISA: Kendall, no!
KENDALL: Yes! We have to destroy it!!
[he breaks through and commences hacking at whatever K&K had discovered earlier. The others believe they see bones fly in the air]
ALL: O.O
KENDALL: DIE, YOU SPAWN OF SATAN!!! [delivers one final blow and then covers up the hole again] Okay, you shouldn't have any more problems...
KISA: [snorks] HOW is THAT supposed to help anything??
KENDALL: Well it makes me feel better!
KISA: [sighs] Okay, guys, we're taking off. We'll see y'all later, yeah?
[the travelers bid farewell and walk the visitors to the door. Before she leaves, Kisa pulls Frodo and Gimli aside]
KISA: Don't let anybody go into that room. I'm afraid we might have uncovered something that should've been left alone. There's something evil about this place, and I don't think it's just the striped wallpaper.
[she gives out final huggles and gets into the car with Kendall. After they leave, the remaining races look at one another nervously]
LEGOLAS: SO! [claps hands together] Who wants ice cream?? We'd better eat it before it melts!
[that night, after everyone is in bed, Arwen hears something over the rain outside that sounds like someone crying, someone older as opposed to the baby cry everyone had been hearing earlier]
ARWEN: o.O [gets out of bed and puts on a bathrobe] Hello?
[the crying continues. She follows the sound onto the back porch]
ARWEN: Hello? [assuming it's one of her friends] What's wrong? Is everything okay? Tell me where you are!
[she stands on the porch for a while before suddenly feeling a chill go down her spine. The crying gets closer]
ARWEN: O.O He- hello?
[she hears a sound come from the front door and she cautiously walks around the house to find the front door open]
ARWEN: O.O [starts breathing rapidly and grabs the axe Kendall left by the front door before going inside]
[Arwen walks quietly around the house looking for what opened the door for a few minutes. Finally she relaxes a bit, thinking the wind blew the door open. As she turns to put the axe back, she comes face to face with a dark figure dressed in a slick, dripping with rainwater]
ARWEN: [screams before a hand covers her mouth]
FIGURE: Ssshhh! Chill, babes! It's me!
[a lantern goes on to reveal the figure is... Glorfindel]
ARWEN: GLORFINDEL! You scared the HECK out of me!
GLORFINDEL: Whassup, girl? Whatchyou doin' with that axe?
ARWEN: I was GOING to chop you up! I thought you were some murderer or something! What are you DOING here??
GLORFINDEL: The dudes K&K told me to come up here and keep an eye on y'all. Sorry I scared you.
ARWEN: Well... It's not just you...
GLORFINDEL: What's up wit you? You're never this uptight! What scared you? Besides me?
ARWEN: I thought I heard someone crying... Out on the porch... And then I heard you... [bursts into tears and hugs Glorfindel] I'm really glad you came!
GLORFINDEL: o.O Is everybody else in bed?
ARWEN: Yeah...
GLORFINDEL: Only you heard the crying?
ARWEN: Yeah...
GLORFINDEL: Well, you go on back to bed. GlorfiMac's here now. Ain't nothin' gonna happen up in here now!
[Arwen goes back to bed apprehensively, leaving Glorfindel to find his own bedroom accommodations]
[Glorfindel begins exploring a bit. He walks into one of the basement rooms and is greeted with a heavy metal object]
HEAVY METAL OBJECT: [clunks into Glorfindel's shin]
GLORFINDEL: AAARRRRRRGGGGH!!!! [clutches leg] WHAT IS WRONG WIT Y'ALL???
[three hobbits peer around the corner with wide eyes. Frodo lowers the quite sizable pewter paperweight he's wielding]
FRODO: Sorry about that, Glorfi! It's just...
PIPPIN: We've been hearing noises!
MERRY: It's scary in this basement by ourselves!
FRODO: Hey, what are you doing here anyway?
GLORFINDEL: [nursing the huge bruise that's forming on his shin] I came here to look after y'all! What's gotten all y'all so flighty??
FRODO: [voice lowers to a whisper] Not here in the hall... Come in here... We think this room is safe.
[the hobbits pull the flabbergasted elf into the room and shut the door]
MERRY: Well, this is our first real night here... The night we got here doesn't count...
PIPPIN: She came and "felt" the house! She said it's bad! She said some rooms aren't, but a lot are! And the yard is bad too!
GLORFINDEL: What are y'all talkin' about?? Who's "she"? What made her say it's "bad"??
FRODO: You don't feel it?? The other Elves say they can!!
GLORFINDEL: Well, yeah-
FRODO: Okay, from the beginning... [takes a deep breath] Okay, everyone's found some strange things about this place... Gimli and I kept hearing a baby cry in that room, down the hall... [casts a fearful glance in the general direction of the room] That room's the reason we don't like to open the door at night...
MERRY: Fro thinks K&K dug up somethin' bad!
FRODO: Kendall and Kisa went in there and dug up the floor under the baby bassinet and found something. They wouldn't tell us what, but I have reason to believe... I don't want to talk about it now in the dark...
PIPPIN: And then Haldir and Legolas saw somebody out in the woods! Legolas said he looked... Dead or diseased.
MERRY: Yeah, and then Pip and I found a scarecrow made from a person!
FRODO: Anyway, while Kisa was here, she said she got a really, really bad "vibe" from the house, and told us to stay away from that room down the hall...
PIPPIN: And we've been hearing noises all night!
MERRY: We got out Frodo's phial, and that seemed to keep the noises far away...
FRODO: Every time I put it away, they get closer!
PIPPIN: So that's why we're scared out of our stinkin' minds!!
[Glorfindel has been listening to all of this placidly and pauses before responding. When he does, the hobbits are shocked to hear the difference in his voice. He sounds the most like he did when he saw Frodo after Weathertop than they've ever heard him]
GLORFINDEL: Where is this room that has an evil presence about it?
MERRY: Glorfi, please don't make us go down there...
FRODO: I'll go with you.
GLORFINDEL: Bring the phial, we may need it. Merry and Pippin, keep the light on in here and you should be fine.
[they fearfully agree and watch Frodo and Glorfindel disappear into the dark before shutting the door]
FRODO: [pointing through the partially open door] There. It's through there.
GLORFINDEL: Come with me. Bring the phial.
[Frodo obeys and the two walk into the dark room. A ghastly shaft of light streams through the open window, casting a deathly white glow on the bassinet]
FRODO: [in a whisper] Under there is where Kendall and Kisa dug up something... Kisa said afterwards that they shouldn't have, but she didn't say why...
GLORFINDEL: Something happened in this room... [closes his eyes and frowns] I think I can see what happened... But it may be a vision from something else...
FRODO: O.O What do you see?
GLORFINDEL: [pauses] A baby in the bassinet.
[a thump is heard from the corner of the room. Frodo jumps, but Glorfindel keeps his eyes closed]
GLORFINDEL: He wouldn't stop crying... He was sick...
FRODO: O.O Glorfindel...?
GLORFINDEL: Sh... The doctor said to keep the window closed... The baby needed to stay warm... It was cold out...
[a blast of icy cold wind cuts into the room like a knife. Frodo wraps his arms around himself and looks up at Glorfindel, who doesn't move]
FRODO: Glorfindel, I think we should leave...
GLORFINDEL: The father was on a trip... The mother would sit up at night in the rocking chair... All night... Just sitting there...
[the door slams shut and the wind howls through the window. Frodo holds up the phial with fearfully trembling hands]
FRODO: Glorfindel...
GLORFINDEL: Someone came to help the mother with the baby... A man... I can't see his face... A doctor...
FRODO: [curiosity getting the better of him] What happened to him? The baby.
GLORFINDEL: [pauses] The doctor went mad... The ceaseless crying... The mother looked like death... She never slept... He convinced her to go to bed... He opened the window... The crying stopped after a while... The madness left him... He realized what he'd done... He found the mother... Woke her up... Told her the window had been left open... He told her it wasn't her fault... She was tired and didn't know what she was doing...
FRODO: Oh my gosh...
GLORFINDEL: Her husband came home... Found her lying in this room... Next to her baby... A cord was around her neck... No signs of fighting... It was voluntary... He found the doctor... Sitting on the back porch... He was crying... Talking out loud to nobody about not knowing what he was doing... He was so tired, he said...
[Frodo backs up against the wall in horror, clutching the phial to himself]
FRODO: Then what happened, Glorfindel?
GLORFINDEL: The scarecrow... [his eyes flash open] Oh no... The scarecrow...
[Frodo, suddenly understanding, grabs Glorfindel's arm]
FRODO: We have to get out of here! Out of this house! Come on! Help me wake up the others!
GLORFINDEL: [looking at him sadly] We can't.
FRODO: WHAT???
GLORFINDEL: The streets are all flooded... We'd never make it. I had to drive through five feet of water, and it's still raining outside. Plus my car gave out a block from the house. I had to walk.
FRODO: What?? Well we still have the other van! It's a fifteen-passenger van! It's tall! Come on, Glorfindel! You know we have to get out of here!
GLORFINDEL: [sternly] Look Frodo, I know how scared you are right now, but think about it, that five feet has probably become ten feet by now! That's almost three times your height, little dude! I for one would rather stay here and risk being followed around temporarily by dead people than go out and have a jolly hard swim upstream! Now let's get back to Merry and Pippin and talk it over! I'm sure they're having their shares of nervous breakdowns right now!
[Glorfindel leads the despondent hobbit back to the room, where Merry and Pippin are sitting on the large bed, wide-eyed]
MERRY: Oh, geez, we weren't sure if you two would be coming back! What's the matter, Fro?
FRODO: Nothing.
[Merry looks at Pippin, then at Glorfindel]
GLORFINDEL: All right, little dudes, we need to think of a plan. It's too dangerous to leave tonight, but we do need to leave soon. Any suggestions?
[a long pause]
GLORFINDEL: Great, thanks for your help.
PIPPIN: Oh! Do you have a cell phone?
GLORFINDEL: Sorry. No service up here. I tried calling Elrond earlier.
PIPPIN: I was afraid of that. None of ours work either.
[a heavy thud is heard from upstairs. The hobbits jump into the air and hide behind Glorfindel]
PIPPIN: [in a whisper] What was that??
FRODO: I dunno... Glorfindel?
GLORFINDEL: What?
MERRY: Let's go see!
PIPPIN: WHAT?
FRODO: Yeah, what?
MERRY: Come on! If there really are dead people here, I seriously doubt they can hurt us from beyond the grave!
FRODO: Do you not remember Aragorn's story of the Paths of the Dead?
GLORFINDEL: Ah, let's just go see. I've gotta see what it was, or else I'LL have nightmares!
[the foursome cautiously go upstairs single file. Frodo leads the way, phial in hand, closely followed by Merry and Pippin, with Glorfindel heading up the rear]
PIPPIN: Merry!
MERRY: What?
PIPPIN: I'm hungry! Do you think we could stop in the kitchen before we go back downstairs?
MERRY: [groans] I guess so Pip...
[the troop walks for a while to suddenly come face to face with two bows and arrows bent straight for them]
VOICE: Stop where you are!
FRODO: Hi Legolas. Hi Haldir.
[the two Elves lower their bows and look at them. Haldir smacks Legolas upside his head]
LEGOLAS: Glorfindel?? When'd you get here??
[finally everything gets cleared up and the involuntarily nocturnal beings go back to bed]
[the next day, the power comes back on, but it continues to rain. Aragorn decides to hold a meeting]
ARAGORN: Okay, so, we can't leave yet, but we still want to remain alive. Any suggestions on how we go about doing this?
GIMLI: Fire! That always works in the movies!
LEGOLAS: Uhm, I move to not let Gimli handle fire!
PIPPIN: I second that!
ARAGORN: Okay, look, we're not going to use fire! Anything else?
[a pause]
GLORFINDEL: Yo, I think we should just be careful. I don't think we're in any mortal danger yet! Just keep a buddy with you, keep lots of lights on and use your heads! No worries!
ARWEN: I have to agree. Nothing good will come of us running about like hamsters in the spring!
[Merry snorks at this analogy]
ARAGORN: Right. So we'll take Glorfindel's advice. Just keep cool. We should be fine. The water should recede in a few days. Maybe even by tomorrow.
[later that day, Legolas decides to see if the TV picks up any good channels. He turns on the TV to find only snow]
LEGOLAS: Dang. Let's see if anything's coming through...
[he begins flipping channels, each one of them only showing static. As he flips to channel 27, the silhouette of a face appears in the static for no more than a second before disappearing. Legolas jumps, his hand flying to his mouth in shock]
LEGOLAS: What the heck was that??
[he tentatively switches up a channel and then goes back, but nothing happens]
LEGOLAS: Watching "The Ring" before coming here was a biiiiiig mistake...
[he recommences channel surfing]
[on the back porch, Gandalf sits nonchalantly in one of the rocking chairs, peacefully smoking his pipe. Merry watches him in astonishment]
MERRY: How in the world can you sit there so easily??
GANDALF: I block out the irritating hobbit giving me a hard time.
MERRY: Har-dee-har-har.
[Meanwhile, Boromir is sitting in the living room, reading. A small table fan is sitting across the room from him, oscillating. He has gotten used to the breeze occasionally blowing on him when he suddenly realizes that the breeze has stopped entirely, though he still hears the hum of the fan. Upon glancing over at the fan, he finds that it has stopped rotating.]
BOROMIR: What...?
[He gets up and walks over to the fan. As he stands in front of it, he discovers he can feel no air coming from the blades, as if something were in the way.]
BOROMIR: Weird.
[He kicks the fan. Suddenly, an invisible something grabs his arm.]
BOROMIR: O.O [runs away] OOOOAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!
[Boromir runs into Aragorn. Literally.]
ARAGORN: WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, MAN???
BOROMIR: O.O [looks afraid]
ARAGORN: Shut up!
BOROMIR: I didn't say anything!
ARAGORN: [regains his composure] What's wrong, Boromir?
BOROMIR: Something touched me!
[Meanwhile, Legolas is on the computer, playing solitaire when suddenly the printer turns on by itself.]
LEGOLAS: O.O [keeps playing] Stupid computer....
[As he continues to play, he hears a piece of paper go from the loader into the actual printer. The printer whines and hums as it prints something out.]
LEGOLAS: Hm... That's interesting.
[The printer finishes and leaves the paper filled with various letters and characters. Legolas frowns and picks it up, trying to read it. After turning it several different ways, he rights it and sees a face in the pattern of letters.]
LEGOLAS: That's very interesting. [looks up and calls to the living room] Aragorn, can I talk to you??
[Legolas finds Aragorn trying to get Boromir to speak coherently in the hall]
LEGOLAS: We need to talk.
ARAGORN: Kinda busy!
LEGOLAS: Take a look at this, will you?
[Aragorn gives him an impatient look but takes the paper and looks at it.]
ARAGORN: O.O That's interesting...
LEGOLAS: That's what I said!
ARAGORN: That's very good, Legolas, how'd you do that?
LEGOLAS: I didn't do that! It printed out by itself!
BOROMIR: Oh sure, Legolas, some magical faerie just, came over and printed it out!
[Legolas glares at him for a minute and then pokes him in the eye. Boromir screams. Aragorn struggles to restore order.]
ARAGORN: Okay, so, this printed out [does finger quote-y thing] all by itself?
LEGOLAS: Yes! And it looks like the face I saw in the T.V.!
BOROMIR: You saw a face in the T.V.? It's all static!
LEGOLAS: It was in the static!
ARAGORN: It was probably trying to pick up a channel.
LEGOLAS: But what if it wasn't, Aragorn?? WHAT IF IT WASN'T??
ARAGORN: Pull yourself together, man! [slaps Legolas]
LEGOLAS: [stunned] Dude, did you just girl slap me?
ARAGORN: What if I did?
LEGOLAS: Are you drunk??
ARAGORN: What if I am?
LEGOLAS: You're insane!
[Arwen comes in and takes charge of the situation.]
ARWEN: All right, you've fooled around long enough! What's going on?
LEGOLAS: [neurotically] Faces! There are faces!
ARWEN: O.o
[Finally Arwen is able to get information about what's going on from the three miscreants.]
[That night, there are thick, low clouds, which glow eerily, but it doesn't rain. Merry is in the kitchen, looking for something to eat before going down into the basement for bed. He suddenly notices the blinds on the kitchen window aren't shut all the way. He looks at the pale light, leaking through the slats and shivers. He turns away and suddenly the wind howls loudly around the shutters. Merry whips around and sees a shadow block out the rays of light. After a little while, curiosity gets the better of him, and he creeps to the window and turns the rod, opening the slats. Right in front of the window is the scarecrow.]
MERRY: O.O [yells]
[The scarecrow flies backwards, out of sight as soon as Merry yells. Frodo, who was on his way downstairs, hears Merry's voice and runs into the kitchen to find him sitting on the floor, rocking neurotically.]
FRODO: Merry! What happened? Are you okay?
[Frodo grabs his cousin's shoulders.]
FRODO: Merry! What did you see??
MERRY: Scarecrow! Scarecrow!
FRODO: The scarecrow's in the field! He can't-
[Merry's eyes grow wide and he shakes his head, pointing to the window.]
FRODO: Merry, you're giving me the creeps! Come on, Glorfi's gonna sleep with us in our room tonight. Let's go downstairs now, okay? Merry? Okay??
[Merry doesn't look at him.]
FRODO: Okay... [starts dragging Merry down the stairs]
[After putting Merry to bed, Frodo pulls Pippin into the hallway.]
FRODO: Pippin, Merry said that he saw the scarecrow at the kitchen window earlier... Have you been out to see that thing lately?
PIPPIN: Are you crazy?? I haven't been out there!
FRODO: I think someone's taken it and is playing a joke on us... Either that or Merry's seeing things.
PIPPIN: What are you suggesting, that we go look?
[A bit later the two are standing on the porch armed with flashlights.]
PIPPIN: This is ludicrous.
FRODO: Come on, don't be pansy!
[Pippin glares at him and the two hobbits set out for the corn field.]
PIPPIN: [pushing through the stalks of corn, which are nearly twice his size] It should be over here. [comes to a clearing] Uh oh...
FRODO: Is it there?
PIPPIN: No...
[Suddenly the hobbits hear a rustling to their left. Frodo grabs Pippin and pulls him back into the stalks.]
PIPPIN: [in a hoarse whisper] Frodo, what was that??
FRODO: Sh!
[The rustling continues and it sounds as if someone is walking through the field towards them.]
PIPPIN: Frodo, I'm scared!
FRODO: Pippin, be quiet!
[The sound stops. After staying where they are for about ten minutes, Frodo stands up and pulls Pippin to his feet. They begin walking back to the house. As they leave, the hobbits peer over their shoulders and see the scarecrow standing in the clearing. They run the rest of the way back to the house.]
[Back in the house, Haldir is sound asleep when suddenly he is roused by an uneasy feeling. He looks around the room, being able to see quite well in the faint light with his Elven eyes. He looks over at the far right corner, and discovers that it is covered in an impenetrable black shadow. Haldir frowns, grabs a flashlight and shines the beam onto the corner. Even with the light, he is unable to see the wall through the shadow.]
HALDIR: O.O Legolas...
[Haldir heroically gets up and goes in search of Legolas.]
HALDIR: [shaking Legolas] Legolas! Legolas, wake up!
LEGOLAS: [waving his arm at him] I'm gunna mess you up!
HALDIR: Legolas! There's a thing in my room!
LEGOLAS: A what?
HALDIR: A thing! A shadow!
LEGOLAS: Haldir, there's a lot of shadows at night...
HALDIR: This one's different! It's weird!
LEGOLAS: Weird how?
HALDIR: Come on! I'll show you! Get up!
[Legolas grumbles but rolls out of his bed and sleepily stumbles after Haldir to his room.]
LEGOLAS: This had better not be a joke, Haldir. I'm not kidding.
HALDIR: It's not a joke! Look!
[Haldir points over to the dark shape in the corner of the room.]
LEGOLAS: Yes that's very interesting. I'm going to bed now.
HALDIR: Legolas! Look! No light can go through it!
LEGOLAS: Oh, stop it.
[To prove his point, Legolas turns on the light. The shadow is still there, as dark as it was before. Legolas frowns and walks over to the shadow.]
HALDIR: LEGOLAS, WAIT!
LEGOLAS: Haldir, chill.
HALDIR: You say that a lot.
[Legolas walks into the shadow, vanishing from sight. Suddenly Haldir hears a piercing scream and Legolas runs out of the shadow and jumps into the bed, shivering.]
HALDIR: Legolas! Legolas, speak to me!
[All the other residents minus the ones sleeping in the basement run in, having heard the scream.]
ARWEN: What happened??
HALDIR: Legolas walked into that shadow... And now... [Indicates Legolas, who seems unaware of everything around him.] I'm not sure what happened... He disappeared into that shadow!
[Everyone begins talking at once. After a while, Aragorn is able to restore order. Before he can say anything, however, he hears several voices yelling downstairs. Everyone runs downstairs, dragging Legolas with them. When they get into the basement, they hear the hobbits and Glorfindel arguing, their voices wrung with fear and confusion.]
GLORFINDEL: If you guys are just messin' around, you're done! Aiight??
FRODO: We didn't do this, Glorfindel!
PIPPIN: I say we burn it!
MERRY: BURN IT!
[The others look at each other and round the corner to find Frodo, Merry, Pippin and Glorfindel standing by... The scarecrow, which is propped up in the corner.]
ARAGORN: Is that... Is that the scarecrow you told me about?
MERRY: Yes! It got in here! By itself!
ARWEN: Merry, that's ridiculous! How could a scarecrow get in here by itself?
MERRY: I DON'T KNOW!!!
FRODO: Merry, calm down! All of you have to admit that this is very strange.
GIMLI: Well, yeah, it's strange... But it's not worth getting our beards in a knot over!
HALDIR: Hey! We could do what they did on "What Lies Beneath"! We could do an exorcism by fire! Burn the scarecrow!
MERRY: Yeah! Burn it!
ARWEN: That's ridiculous, we're not going to do something because they did it on a movie!
[There's a slight pause.]
MERRY: Burn it anyway!
[Aragorn and Glorfindel take the scarecrow back out to the field and use the axe to chop off its head, arms and legs. When they come back, everyone goes to bed. The next morning, Arwen goes into the kitchen to make some coffee. As she fills the coffeemaker, the small TV sitting on the kitchen counter turns on, showing static. With a frown, Arwen turns off the TV and turns back to the coffee. Suddenly she hears a mechanical whine. Startled, she turns back to the TV. The discoloured picture shows a stone well sitting in a field. Quickly, Arwen unplugs the TV, but it stays the same. She watches for a moment when two small hands suddenly come up from over the edge of the well. Arwen pulls back in shock as the TV turns to static, and then turns off. Panting, Arwen turns around to see Merry walking into the kitchen.]
MERRY: 'Morning. [Stops] Hey, you're... [Points at her nose.]
[Arwen touches her lip under her nose and looks at her hand to see blood on it.]
MERRY: I thought Elves didn't get nosebleeds.
ARWEN: I thought unplugging a TV would turn it off...
MERRY: What?
ARWEN: Nothing. I'm going to see if Aragorn's awake...
[Arwen walks quickly down the hall and passes the axe Aragorn and Glorfindel used to chop up the scarecrow the night before. She realizes that a red liquid, similar to blood is on the blade. Wide-eyed, she runs the rest of the way down the hall and into the room she and Aragorn share.]
[In the room downstairs, Pippin is dozing in one of the chairs. In front of him is a vanity, on which sits a large mirror that shows the sliding closet behind him in its reflection. Pippin suddenly wakes up to an uneasy feeling. He looks in the mirror and sees the closet door begin to slide open. He whips around to face the closet and finds that it is shut. He slowly gets up and walks over to the closet. Tentatively, he reaches out and opens the closet.]
[Upstairs, the others hear Pippin scream. Alarmed, they run down to the room to find it empty. They hear a cry for help coming from the closet. Merry runs over and opens it to find Pippin sitting in the far back corner, soaking wet and shivering.]
MERRY: What the heck happened??? Why are you all wet???
[Pippin dashes out and runs behind Gandalf fearfully. Aragorn frowns and bends down.]
ARAGORN: Pippin, where'd you get these scratches?
ARWEN: I think we should leave Pippin with Gandalf. Maybe he can get something out of him.
ARAGORN: Good idea.
[Everyone except Gandalf and Pippin leave the room.]
GANDALF: So, Pippin... Can you tell me what happened?
[There's a long pause.]
GANDALF: Pippin, what happened?
PIPPIN: She pulled me into the closet.
GANDALF: She? Who's she?
[Pippin doesn't answer.]
GANDALF: Pippin, did you see her face?
PIPPIN: It was dark...
GANDALF: Pippin, tell me exactly what happened.
PIPPIN: I was sitting in that chair... [He points to the rocking chair.] I looked into the mirror and saw the closet door open. I turned around and the closet was shut. I got up and opened the closet... And then she grabbed me and pulled me into something wet.
GANDALF: But who is "she"?
PIPPIN: [Looks up at Gandalf.] The little girl.
[Gandalf looks at him worriedly. Before he can say anything else, Legolas pokes his head in.]
LEGOLAS: Gandalf, you should come see this...
[Legolas leads Gandalf and Pippin into the living room, where everyone is congregated around the television. Gandalf looks at the screen and discovers it shows a little girl sitting on the edge of a cliff, facing away from the presumed camera.]
GANDALF: What's this? We getting cable now?
LEGOLAS: This same scene is on every TV in the house. We can't change the channel. We tried turning on the radios and we only hear a whining noise and whispering in the background.
[Gandalf frowns at the television for a while when the telephone suddenly rings. Everyone jumps in alarm and looks at one another in confusion.]
GIMLI: I guess... We got the phones back...
[Haldir picks up the phone and is nearly deafened by a high-pitched whining. Upon listening closer, Haldir perceives faint voices.]
HALDIR: Hello?
[He hears a woman screaming, "No, please!"]
HALDIR: Hello, can I help you? Are you all right?
[There's a shrill shriek and then silence, except for the mechanical whine. After a few seconds, the phone goes completely dead again.]
HALDIR: [Hanging up.] Huh. Okay...
BOROMIR: What was that about?
HALDIR: I heard somebody on the other end.. She sounded like she was in trouble... Maybe it was just my imagination.
[Suddenly, a soft knocking is heard on the front door. Everyone jumps and looks at the door fearfully. Gimli looks around and steps forward stoutly.]
GIMLI: Oh, for goodness' sake!
LEGOLAS: Gimli, wait!
[Gimli ignores him and walks up to the door. He looks through the peephole and sees... Nothing.]
HALDIR: See anything?
GIMLI: Nope. Not-
[Gimli stops and flails back with a yell. Aragorn pushes past him and looks out the peephole. At first he sees nothing, but then something moves by it quickly. Aragorn starts, but remains where he is. As he stares, he sees a little girl suddenly appears, facing away from him. Aragorn begins breathing heavily in suspense.]
ARWEN: Aragorn? Aragorn, what is it? Are you okay?
[Aragorn keeps staring at the little girl, trying to see her face. After a few minutes, Glorfindel hesitantly suggests something.]
GLORFINDEL: Maybe we should open the door.
[Pippin runs in wildly.]
PIPPIN: No! You can't let her in!
GLORFINDEL: Who, Pip?
PIPPIN: Haven't you been listening?? The little girl! She can't get in! You can't let her in!
[Meanwhile, Aragorn keeps his gaze fixed on the girl, who hasn't moved. Suddenly, she turns around and rushes for the door, arms reaching for Aragorn, who is still unable to see her face because of her hair. Aragorn leaps back and there is a violent bang on the door.]
HALDIR: Look in the peephole, Legolas.
LEGOLAS: What, are you crazy?? I'm not gonna do that! You psycho!
[Meanwhile, Aragorn is curled up on the floor, covering his eyes with his arms.]
ARWEN: Aragorn? Aragorn, are you okay?
GLORFINDEL: Somethin' scared the stuff out of him...
GIMLI: Yeah, no kiddin'!
BOROMIR: I say we get some fire, and kill it!
MERRY: Yeah! Burn it!
GANDALF: Oh, stop it! All of you! You're acting like children!
FRODO: Then what do you propose we do?
[Gandalf hesitates.]
LEGOLAS: You don't know, do you?? We're all gonna die!
GIMLI: Legolas! Chill, dude!
BOROMIR: Send Frodo out there!
MERRY: Yeah! Go get 'em, Frodo!
FRODO: NO! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MINDS???
[As they argue, Glorfindel grows quiet.]
FRODO: So you can just take your plan and shove it- What's the matter, Glorfindel?
GLORFINDEL: Y'all hear that?
[The group silences and listens. Downstairs, a shuffling is heard.]
MERRY: Are...we all up here?
FRODO: SHH!
[The sound seems to travel through the hall way to the base of the stairs before heading in the opposite direction.]
GLORFINDEL: Dude.
[There's the sound of a door opening slowly and more footsteps. Suddenly there's a violent bang from the room with the bassinet in it.]
GIMLI: That's it. I'm gettin' my shotgun.
MERRY: YAY!
[Meanwhile, in the town a few miles west of the house, K&K are buying groceries. As they check out, two of the check-out staff (Dave and Tim) are discussing haunted history.]
DAVE: I was watching this show on haunted houses the other night and that house over east came on! Misty Mountain Inn... Or Farm... Or something...
[Kendall and Kisa look up with a start.]
KISA: What about it?
DAVE: They were telling the story of that house. You know, about the little girl and all.
KENDALL: The little what?
DAVE: Girl! You know? A smallish female?
KENDALL: What about it?
DAVE: Her. Anyway, heard the legend?
KISA: No...
DAVE: Well, supposedly, in 1937, this couple had the farm built for themselves and their baby daughter. The husband, Carl, had to travel a lot, so the wife, Andrea, stayed home with the baby. The baby, Diedre, was rather sickly and a doctor was brought in to stay with her and Andrea while Carl was away. Well, the doc was a bit "special" if you know what I mean... Anyway, he went nuts one night, and killed the baby and eventually buried her under the bassinet. When he realized what he had done, he tried to blame it on the mother, who killed herself out of guilt. Carl got home that evening and saw his wife dead, his child missing, and the doctor on the back porch. Carl killed the doc and supposedly made a scarecrow out of him.
Well, later on, Carl was in his baby's room, mourning his daughter when he heard a scuffling under the floorboards. He pulled them up and found his little girl still alive. He raised her by himself until she was eight, when he remarried a woman named Karen. Diedre hated the woman for trying to replace her mother and often threatened her.
Eventually, Karen had a baby and Diedre was enraged. She killed the baby and buried it under the bassinet, just as her doctor had done to her many years ago. Karen was mortified and tried to convince Carl that Diedre was a dangerous little girl, but he would hear nothing of it.
One night, while Carl was gone, Diedre came into Karen's room with a hairpin and began pricking Karen's fingers with it. Karen grabbed Diedre and locked her into the closet for four days without food or water. When Carl came back, his daughter didn't look the worse for wear, but she hated Karen and even Carl all the more.
Well, Diedre took a hatchet one night and struck Karen with it 27 times, killing her. When Carl found out what she had done, he tried to kill her by throwing her into the well, which led to the lake. He knocked her on the head and tossed her in. She eventually made her way into the lake, where her body was found by her own father, who went mad.
Supposedly, now if you look into the lake, no matter where you go, you can see Diedre's face.
[K&K stare for a moment before tentatively taking their bags and laughing nervously.]
KISA: Ah, good story...
KENDALL: They're gonna DIE, man!
KISA: Don't be so negative! Let's go.
[They run out of the store into Kendall's Hummer.]
KISA: This thing can submerge underwater, right?
KENDALL: That's why they call it a Hummer!
KISA: ....What??
[They speed off to battle high winds and high water in order to save the hapless group. Speaking of whom, back at the farm, Gimli prepares to go downstairs for battle.]
GIMLI: I don't know if it's a good idea...
BOROMIR: Shut up and go down there!
[Gimli whimpers and starts down the staircase, which seems much longer than normal to the poor dwarf. He descends slowly, clutching his gun to himself in fear. He rounds a corner, looking about wildly.]
[As the others listen for Gimli to discover something, K&K burst into the house.]
KENDALL: We know what happened!
KISA: We need to have a conference! Now!
[Aragorn calls Gimli up and everyone gathers in the living room to hear the story. Afterwards, Pippin speaks up slowly.]
PIPPIN: Kisa, you can talk to the dead, can't you?
KISA: Supposedly.
MERRY: Could you make her go away?
KISA: Highly unlikely.
KENDALL: We should have a seance!
KISA: Are you high???
KENDALL: If this was the real world, it'd be stupid, but we're in here!
KISA: [Pauses.] I don't think it's a good idea.
KENDALL: I'll make the Oujia board!
[A bit later, everyone is gathered in the basement around a makeshift Oujia board.]
BOROMIR: Okay, Kisa, do your stuff.
KISA: What??
LEGOLAS: Hey, you know what you're doing here!
[Everyone places their fingers on the glass they're using for the viewer. Kisa sighs and closes her eyes.]
KISA: This is a bad idea.
BOROMIR: Shut up and get talkin'.
KISA: Is anyone here?
[The glass doesn't move.]
KISA: We want to talk to the person who has been bothering everyone.
[The glass twitches.]
KISA: Who are you?
[The glass slowly spells out D-I-E-D-R-E.]
BOROMIR: Whoa...
KISA: Hush. Why won't you rest?
GLASS: I want my daddy.
KISA: You killed him, remember? Why did you kill him?
GLASS: I don't want to talk.
KISA: Why don't you want to talk, Diedre? Are you afraid of us?
[The walls start to creak and water starts seeping through the boards.]
LEGOLAS: Uhhh... Kisa?
[Suddenly the glass shatters.]
KISA: Huh. Guess she's done...
KENDALL: Guess so. I'm gonna take some pictures!
[He dashes upstairs to get his digital camera. He runs into the room with the baby bassinet and begins furiously snapping pictures.]
KISA: I've got a really bad feeling...
[As Kendall takes pictures of the window, he notices it is slowly opening. He peers over the viewfinder and sees small withered fingers curl around the window frame. Kendall takes one more picture and looks into the LCD screen to see a face slowly appear in the glass. Kendall shrieks and runs out of the room, slamming the door behind him.]
[Later that evening, Aragorn peeks out the window facing the cornfield and sees the shape of a scarecrow standing in the middle of the field. He frowns and turns to the others.]
ARAGORN: Didn't we chop up that scarecrow?
BOROMIR: Yeah...
ARAGORN: Then why is it out there again?
[The others flock to the window and gasp in horror.]
LEGOLAS: Someone should go out there and check it out.
ARAGORN: Do we have a volunteer?
LEGOLAS: Me??
MERRY: You suggested it!
LEGOLAS: All right, but Aragorn has to come too!
ARAGORN: And Kisa has to come!
KISA: And Frodo has to come! Kendall too!
KENDALL: What?? Why me??
KISA: Because, now come on!
GLORFINDEL: I'll come too.
[The six of them head out to the field, armed with flashlights and shotguns (courtesy of Kendall).]
LEGOLAS: Man, this is really freaky...
ARAGORN: As freaky as the Paths of the Dead?
LEGOLAS: Yeah!
KISA: Shh! What was that?
FRODO: Stop it! I'm freaked out enough!
KENDALL: No, I heard it too...
[They pause and hear rustling like something running towards them. Aragorn whimpers, but Glorfindel quickly claps a hand over his mouth. After a few minutes, the sound passes on and everything is quiet again. The hunting party sighs with relief and continues on. Finally they reach the scarecrow.]
KENDALL: Sweet merciful crap!
[The same scarecrow they had chopped up is once again standing in its small clearing, only this time, there are stitches where it had been dismembered and red liquid like blood oozes out from between the seams.]
ARAGORN: I think I've seen enough...
LEGOLAS: Me too, I'm out of here.
[The hunting party heads back to the house in single file with Glorfindel bringing up the rear. As he heads up the front steps, Glorfindel feels a drop fall on his shoulder. He looks over to see a splatter of red liquid on his shirt.]
GLORFINDEL: What the-?
[He looks up at the gutter and sees a stream of blood-like fluid dripping off of the edge. He grabs a lawn chair off of the porch and stands on it. There, sitting in the gutter is the neighbours' dog, which has had its throat ripped open. Glorfindel jumps backwards and falls on his back, knocking the breath out of himself. The people inside hear the crash and run outside to investigate.]
ARWEN: What happened, are you alright??
[Glorfindel tries to speak, but can't yet, so points up at the gutter.]
LEGOLAS: You're freaking me out!
[Glorfindel gestures wildly at the roof. The others slowly look up at the gutter.]
GIMLI: What is that?
[Aragorn rights the lawn chair and stands on top of it. He lets out a sharp cry and leaps down off of the chair.]
HALDIR: What is it??
ARAGORN: It's a dog... It's throat's been torn open.
[The others wince and shudder.]
KISA: Obviously, something or someone wants us to butt out. Not that it matters. I hated that dog.
KENDALL: Yeah, me too.
ARWEN: Ugh, you two are brutal.
KENDALL: You should talk.
ARWEN: What's that supposed to mean?
KENDALL: I dunno... It just seemed like the right thing to say.
BOROMIR: Ugh, that smell's makin' me sick...
GLORFINDEL: [finally regaining his breath] We'd better bury that thing.
ARWEN: What about the owners?
KISA: They live nearly a mile away. We'll have to wait.
GIMLI: Why don't we just dump it in the well? That way we won't have to worry about it resurfacing in the wet ground.
LEGOLAS: I don't wanna open that well!!
GIMLI: What would you do? Flush it down the toilet??
ARAGORN: HEY! Let's settle down! Under the circumstances, I think it's best we drop the dog into the well. We can fish it out later.
[So Aragorn and Boromir wrap the dog in a sheet and carry it out to the well.]
BOROMIR: [holding the flashlight while Aragorn shoves the stone lid off the top] I've got a bad feeling about this, man.
ARAGORN: Urrrrgggghhh... There! You always have a bad feeling. Now let's dump this bitch.
BOROMIR: Aragorn!
ARAGORN: What? That's the correct term for a female dog!
BOROMIR: What if it's a male?
ARAGORN: Who are you, a vet now? Shut up.
[Boromir sets the flashlight on the well's edge and helps Aragorn lift the dog.]
ARAGORN: Man, I hope we don't get sued for this.
BOROMIR: Okay, one, two, HEAVE!
[They toss the animal into the dark hole in the ground. After waiting a few minutes, they hear a distant "sploosh".]
ARAGORN: Another job well done, yeah?
BOROMIR: Yeah.
[They head back to the house through the corn, talking about different things. After a while, Boromir stops responding.]
ARAGORN: Right, Boz? [pause] Boz? Where are you?
[Aragorn pushes the stalks of corn aside, looking for his partner in crime.]
ARAGORN: Boromir? BOROMIR? This is NOT FUNNY! BOROMIR!!!
[Still no answer.]
Sorry for the suspense! Stay tuned! ;-)
HOME
