Bakshi's Version of LOTR
First and foremost, my deepest apologies to those who actually enjoyed this movie. My views of this movie do not affect my respect for any of you. (This includes my good friend Lisa Marie. Lisa, if you're reading this, nothing personal! :-) )
Ah, "The Lord of the Rings" Bakshi style. I have viewed this "movie" three times (until ONE of them bought me the thing for my birthday!! I hate you.), each one of them being forced against my will by certain individuals who I will not name. *cough*Lauren and/or Kendall*cough* This review is based mainly on my latest viewing, which happened to be last night, though I have come across these observations whilst enduring my previous encounters with Mr. Bakshi's creation.
[IT'S ALIVE!]
For the most part, Mr. Bakshi stuck pretty closely to the books' storyline. He even had some of my favourite scenes which unfortunately didn't make it into Mr. Peter Jackson's version of the story. Alas. If only Mr. B. hadn't included them... [wince]
Okay. First scene. The title comes up. The over-done score comes on. It’s a really bad score. Sounds like the circus is coming through. Then comes the opening narrative. Now, this in and of itself is off. First of all, the narrator sounds like he's been enjoying the wrong sort of pipeweed. Not at all surprising since this was done in the seventies... Second of all, the film-makers seem to have forgotten that one of the Elves gifted with a ring was in fact, a female. I know the Ring poem does in fact say "Three for the Elven-kings under the sky," but they could have at least had one of the actors portraying the Elves a WOMAN! But what's done is done. [sigh]
It would also appear that no one on this film knew how rings are made… It shows people banging on the rings with sledgehammers.
”Uhhh, that ain’t how yer supposed t’ make a ring…”
Does anyone else want to start singing "Heigh Ho" when the Dwarf lords come on?
On now to the telling of the battle of Dagorlad. Apparently, the Last Alliance lost. Someone must have forgotten to tell Professor Tolkien about that... Oh, and by the way, "Ihzihldoo" (they mispronounce every goshdang name that’s more than five letters long in this monstrosity) sneaks up behind Sauron (who wears a horned hat, of course), gives him the what-for and then steals the Ring. Just thought you should know.
And now Deagol finds the Ring. How, you ask? Why, by getting yanked into the river by a small trout! He finds the Ring half-covered by sand on the bottom of the river. But then of course, how could he miss it? The thing practically glows due to the fact that it is a bright yellow, while the entirety of the river is a musty blue.
Now, I must say this much: This next scene is not half-bad. Deagol gets back out of the river and sets about washing his new-found treasure off. Smeagol decides he wants it and tells his friend so. Deagol understandably declines and keeps rubbing the Ring on his shirt-sleeve. Smeagol viciously strangles him.
Deagol, the bell tolls for thee.
Smeagol is then shown having some sort of spasm fit, leaping about like some poor bloke who has just sat in a hill of fire ants. He also leaves his hand visible when he hides behind the rock. It may be for dramatic effect, but in my very humble opinion, it just comes out stupid.
Cue fog machine.
Bilbo isn't much better of an actor than Gollum it would appear. He holds the Ring high above his head when he finds it. Like that would help, since its pitch black. Of course, that's according to Professor Tolkien, and I can see that his being the author of the story doesn't really have all that much relevance in this movie.
Here's a question: What is up with Gollum's hair? It's all over the place! He's also wearing gloves. And some sort of wrap. Apparently he's afraid of catching a chill.
Moving on to the Shire. I have all sorts of complaints about the portrayal of hobbits. Firstly, why are they either sickeningly "cute" or hideously UGLY? I hide my face whenever Bilbo is really shown for the first time.
At first look, Frodo’s kinda cute. Until he moves, speaks or….exists.
When Gandalf asks that Bilbo give up the Ring, Bilbo wastes no time in becoming furious. It's like watching time-lapse or something.
Gandalf, that's something else I need to address. Gandalf intimidates by means of pointing his right index finger about two inches in front of your face. Whenever somebody speaks, he whips that finger out in case they say something stupid.
Right. Back to Bag End. While Bilbo is talking, Gandalf is hunched over like he’s constipated. It’s an ugly sight, really.
Bilbo takes out the envelope containing the Ring and "drops" it, though it actually looks like he tosses it onto the ground!
"Why, sure, Gandalf old thing, let me just take it out of my pocket and hand it to you- Whoops! I have dropped it!"
And then Gandalf makes a big show of snatching it off of the ground. Wait a minute, didn't Gandalf tell Bilbo in the books that he would not touch it? Interesting.
Okay, moving on... Yada, yada, yada... Oh here we go. "17 years passed sleepily in the Shire." The narrator tells us. As he does, a camera shot of the Shire goes from fall to winter et cetera at least 10 times in 1 second flat! I nearly had developed epilepsy! The only thing I could get out was "AAUGH! MAKE THE WORLD STOP SHAKING!" If you think it can't get any worse you're crazy.
Just thinking of this next part makes me writhe in agony. Frodo greets Gandalf at the door of Bag End and does some strange idiotic dance that makes me want to destroy the creature.
Well, Gandalf takes the Ring and asks Frodo if he sees any marking. When Frodo declares that there is nothing, Gandalf flicks the Ring into the fire. Frodo again has some sort of spasm. I'm surprised Gandalf hasn't throttled him yet.
Gandalf’s eyes get all freaky and he starts waving his arms around again. I'm sure Frodo is thanking his lucky stars that he's not a few inches taller, which would put him in the direct line of fire of Gandalf's uncontrollable hand movements.
That's another thing, Frodo is at least five inches taller than every other hobbit in the movie! He nearly comes up to Gandalf's shoulders at times! Yes, at times. The sizes of the characters swell and diminish every so often.
When Frodo seems horrified that Bilbo had an evil ring, Gandalf sticks his index finger in Frodo’s face and approaches slowly. Very slowly. The scene lasts for at least three minutes. What the Mordor.
Gandalf takes out the Ring again and Frodo is surprised to find it still cool. Here's another surprise, they forget to see if there are any markings on the gold band. Which is what the whole issue was about, by the way.
Apparently thinking the garden a safer place to talk about the Ruling Ring (that gives the wearer unthinkable power) than behind the closed doors of Bag End, Frodo and Gandalf head outside. The cut from the dramatic and inaccurate recitation of the Ring poem to the peaceful outdoors is really pretty funny.
When Frodo offers Gandalf the ring, it’s the wizard’s turn to have a spasm. When he starts babbling about how he would want to use it for good but couldn’t, Frodo wrinkles his nose and arches his eyebrow, looking Gandalf up and down with an expression that screams, “What the crap?” It’s pretty freaking hilarious.
Anyway, they talk and talk and talk (at one point I stopped listening entirely) and finally Gandalf discovers Sam, the worst part of the whole film.
I'll just say this about Bakshi's Sam, he ain't no Sean Astin. I believe my brother's words upon seeing him for the first time describe my feelings best: "AAARRRGH!!! WHAT IS IT??? KILL IT!!!!" I cried. A lot.
But getting past that, let’s talk about the scene. Gandalf yanks Sam out of a bush and growls, “What have you heard?” in a tone that would make me wet myself.
But again, the abruptness of the actions make me burst out laughing just because of how ridiculous it is.
Whoa, whoa, hold the phone. What was Sam doing in that bush? ……you know what, I don’t want to know.
Gandalf speaks of taking counsel with the head of his order – Aruman. Wait, what? Aruman? It’s Saruman! How did they drop the “S”? But then, as the movie continues, we find that they do call him Saruman… Every other time. Most of the time it’s Aruman. How they conjured up THAT pronunciation is beyond me.
Someone shut Sam up. Please.
Gandalf goes to visit [S]aruman the white… Who wears a red robe. I know, it doesn’t make sense. And whoa, what’s with that voice? It’s neither charming nor hypnotic.
They speak softly for a while, then Saruman screeches, “WHERE IS THE RING, GANDALF?!” I jumped nearly a foot in the air. Gandalf’s eyes dart about wildly as though desperately trying to think of some excuse.
Suddenly, Saruman raises his arms (you'll see a lot of upper body action in the characters) and makes everything turn interesting colours. Hm. Interesting. Professor Tolkien didn't like all that "lightening coming out of the fingertips" nonsense in his wizards, since they are more like angels anyway. But of course! I'd forgotten! It makes no difference what the author thought! Moving on then!
More lightening, more pronouncing “Sauron” as “Soreron”… It’s awful.
Then Gandalf lets out a heartwrenching “ARUMAN!!!”
Back in the Shire – I hate Merry and Pippin. And apparently, Merry hates Frodo. Firstly, his first line involves stating that he’s sick of his cousin. Secondly, when the Watcher in the Water appears in Moria… Well, you’ll find out.
Anyway, the hobbits hear someone coming down the road. They hide, but not before Pippin pronounces Gandalf’s name in a way that makes my nerves vibrate. Gyah.
Question; why does the Black Rider wear brown? And why does he limp and groan around like an escapee from the Mental Health Institute? When Frodo resists the ring, it does a weird pivot, holding its hands locked in a curled-up position, moaning shakily. Maybe it’s just me, but that’s the least scared I’ve ever been in my life.
If anyone is interested, my brother can give you lessons on speaking in the same manner as "Sam". He does a pretty good imitation of a bad thing actually...
This will be added on to until it's finish. So bee patient! ;)
Orcagirl@adelphia.net
