Big Brother: Week 1

THE LORD OF THE RINGS/THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS BIG BROTHER

HIGHLIGHTS: DAY ONE: MONDAY.

[Cut scene to Kisa, who is standing outside the Big Brother house.]

KISA: Hello and welcome to the first episode of a very special Big Brother! We are about to witness a very peculiar movie crossover as some of your favourite characters from "The Lord of the Rings" are forced to live with some of your favourite characters from "The Nightmare Before Christmas"! No one from LOTR has ever met anyone from NBC and vice versa, and it will remain that way until everyone is inside. First we will have the contestants from Middle-Earth enter the house and go into the diary room. When all of the contestants from Halloween Town are inside, the peoples of Middle-Earth will come out of the diary room and meet their new housemates. The contestants have been told that two groups of genres will be placed in the house, but none of them know who or which. So let's begin! Our first Middle-Earth contestant is none other than King Elessar himself! Everybody say a big hello to ARAGORN!

[Aragorn waltzes onscreen, waving to no one.]

KISA: Aragorn! So glad you could join us!
ARAGORN: I'm glad to be here, Lady Kisa.
KISA: So tell me, are you nervous at all?
ARAGORN: A little, but I know that whomever Big Brother deems worthy to live in this house must be of good stature.
KISA: [under breath] Suck up. [out loud] Well, good luck to you, sir! Go on in to the diary room! Our next contestant hails from the green land of the Shire! Everybody welcome FRODO!

[Frodo cautiously walks up to Kisa with a nervous smile.]

KISA: Frodo! How are you feeling?
FRODO: Pretty good about the whole thing. Although I do kind of wish that Kendall wasn't supervising the production...
KISA: Don't worry, babes, this ain't SPOME.
FRODO: We're all thankful for that.
KISA: Indeed we are. Thank you, Frodo! Go on in! Wait a second.

[She gives him a brief hug and then directs him inside.]

KISA: Good luck, Frofro! *ahem* Our next contestant is said to be the most beautiful lady to ever walk Arda, bar Luthien herself! Give it up for ARWEN!
KENDALL: [in production studio] Whoo-hoo!
KISA: Lady Arwen! So glad you were able to sacrifice your free time once again for the viewers' pleasure!
ARWEN: Anything for the public. At least that's what my lawyer tells me...
KISA: And my, don't we wonder what anything means. Thank you, Arwen! Go on in! And here he comes, the original heartthrob from Mirkwood, LEGOLAS!

[Legolas boldly walks up to Kisa and gives her a hug. Kisa's eyes boggle for a minute, but she regains her composure.]

KISA: My, Legolas! You certainly seem confident!
LEGOLAS: Oh, Gimli slipped some sugar in my tea again!
KISA: Fascinating! You are ready for anything! Go right on in! And here comes a dude who's all white, but still cool, GANDALF!

[Gandalf strolls up to Kisa, tipping his hat to the camera. (HE HAD HIS HAT IN THE BOOKS!)]

KISA: Gandalf, my main man! My dog! How's it hangin'?
GANDALF: I'm okay.
KISA: Great! Go on in! And here comes the infamous brother/sister-in-law duo, BOROMIR AND EOWYN!

[Boromir and Eowyn walk up. Boromir looks a bit sulky, but Eowyn has a pleased look on her face.]

KISA: Great to see you two! Excited?
EOWYN: Oh, very! I can't wait to meet the other contestants!
BOROMIR: Humph.
KISA: Exhilarating! Go on in and good luck to you both! Look! Here comes the youngest, but certainly not forgettable hobbit, PIPPIN!

[Pippin cheerfully walks up to Kisa with a broad grin.]

KISA: How's it going, Pip? Are you excited?
PIPPIN: Oh yes! Haley promised that she'd make sure that you would keep things under control, so I feel much better!
KISA: Awesome! Go on into the diary room! [pauses as Pippin disappears into the house] Okay! Now that all of our Middle-Earth contestants are safely in the diary room, let's meet the Halloween Town contestants! First up is none other than the Pumpkin King himself, JACK SKELLINGTON!

[Jack strides gleefully onscreen, his ghost dog Zero following close behind.]

KISA: Jack, dahling! So wonderful to see you!
JACK: Hello, Miss Kitty! I trust you'll take good care of Zero while I'm in the house?
KISA: Oh, yes! We'll have lots of fun, won't we Zero?
ZERO: Bark, bark!
JACK: Splendid! Zero, I'll see you later! Bye, Kitty!
KISA: Bye, Jack! Wait in the living room for everybody else! Good luck!

[Jack goes into the house, but Zero stays by Kisa.]

KISA: Our next contestant is the loveliest rag doll to ever grace Halloween Town, SALLY!

[Sally anxiously walks onscreen with a tense smile.]

KISA: Hi, Sally! How are you doing?
SALLY: I'm a little nervous, but I'm going to try to have fun.
KISA: That's the spirit! Take care and good luck! Our next contestant seems quite shifty at first, but once you get to know him... He's still pretty suspicious. Give it up for DOCTOR FINKLESTEIN!

[Dr. Finklestein drives his wheelchair up next to where Kisa is standing.]

KISA: Doctor! So good of you to join us! How do you feel about all of this?
DR. FINKLESTEIN: Quite confidant, my dear, quite confident.
KISA: Fabulous! Go on in! Our final contestant is none other than the King of Creepy Crawlies, the Sheik of Shivers and the scariest burlap bag I know, OOGIE BOOGIE!

[Oogie Boogie saunters next to Kisa with a huge gaping grin. Zero growls.]

KISA: Easy, Zero. He's changed his ways! Right, Oogie?
OOGIE BOOGIE: Well, the other contestants had better hope so!
KISA: ...Indeed... Well! Go on in! [to camera] Now we'll take you inside the Big Brother house and see how the contestants are doing! Good luck to them all!

[Cut scene to the diary room where the LOTR contestants are all gathered and anxiously waiting.]

PIPPIN: Maybe it'll be people from "Star Wars"!
EOWYN: Ugh, I hope not.
BOROMIR: What's wrong with "Star Wars"?
EOWYN: I am NOT sharing a room with a wookie!

[Legolas rolls his eyes.]

[Cut scene to the living room, where the NBC contestants have all fallen silent. Sally is glancing over at the Doctor, nervously biting her lip, while Jack eyes Oogie in suspicion. Suddenly there is an announcement on the intercom.]

BB: Will the contestants in the Diary Room please go the living room? Thank you.

[They obey. When they enter the living room, they all gasp in horror. Arwen slaps her hands over her mouth to stifle a scream, Sally begins biting her nails, Boromir just stares in slack-jawed astonishment, and everyone is totally silent for five whole minutes.]

BB: Get used to it. These people will be the only people you see for four months. Have fun. That is all.

[Nothing is said for a while. Finally, Gandalf speaks up.]

GANDALF: Oh now really! We're acting like children! So we're all a bit...diverse! I say we sit down and introduce ourselves. I'll start. My name is Gandalf and I am from Middle-Earth. I'm one of the Istari, also known as a wizard. We'll go clockwise. [nods at Dr. Finklestein]
DR. FINKLESTEIN: My name is Dr. Finklestein and I am from Halloween Town. I'm an Evil Scientist by trade, and created Sally over there.
OOGIE BOOGIE: My name is Mr. Oogie Boogie. I'm also from Halloween Town. I'm...well, the boogieman.
SALLY: My name is Sally, and I'm also from Halloween Town. I'm a rag doll. I do a lot of sewing.
JACK: My name is Jack Skellington and I'm from Halloween Town as well. I'm the Pumpkin King. Or the King of Halloween, whichever.
PIPPIN: I'm Peregrin Took! I'm from Tookbourgh and I'm the son of the Thain. [pauses] Oh yeah, and I'm a hobbit. [pauses] I like trains!

[The residents of Halloween Town sidle away from Pippin.]

FRODO: Don't worry about him. My name is Frodo Baggins, and I'm from the Shire in Middle-Earth. I'm a hobbit.
ARAGORN: I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn. I live in Minas Tirith in Middle-Earth. I'm a Man.

[Sally giggles slightly, but covers her mouth with her hand.]

ARAGORN: No, I mean I'm of the race of Men!
ARWEN: [rolls her eyes] I am Arwen. I live in Minas Tirith now with Aragorn, my husband. I'm an Elf.
BOROMIR: I'm Boromir of Gondor. I live in Minas Tirith too. I'm more of a man than Aragorn.

[Aragorn gives him a filthy look.]

EOWYN: I am Eowyn of Rohan in Middle-Earth. I married Boromir's brother. So now I'm related to him. I'm a man as well.

[The residents of Halloween Town start and shift uncomfortably.]

EOWYN: No, no! I'm a female of the race of men!

[Meanwhile, Gandalf has his face in his hands.]

LEGOLAS: I am Legolas. I live in Mirkwood with my Daddy. It's in Middle-Earth too. I'm an Elf as well as Arwen.

[There is a slight pause. Finally, Sally clears her throat.]

SALLY: I think I'll get dinner started...

[Arwen dutifully, if somewhat reluctantly rises and follows her.]

ARWEN: I'll help...

[Suddenly, there is another announcement over the intercom.]

BB: Attention housemates. The bedroom arrangements will be thus:
Sally, Aragorn and Frodo.
Jack, Gandalf and Legolas.
Dr. Finklestein, Boromir and Arwen.
And finally,
Oogie Boogie, Eowyn and Pippin.
That is all.

[Sally and Arwen go into the kitchen and desperately try to strike up a conversation.]

SALLY: So Aragorn is your husband?
ARWEN: Yes.
SALLY: He seems like a good guy.
ARWEN: Thank you.

[There's a pause during which the two females rummage through the cupboards.]

SALLY: There's hardly anything to cook with! Nothing's ripe yet!
ARWEN: [seeming rather puzzled] What do you mean? Everything looks fine to me...
SALLY: Look at these apples! They're still red! And there's no worm's wart here!

[Arwen looks ill, but doesn't say anything.]

ARWEN: So have you ever been outside of Halloween Town before?
SALLY: Not really. I went shopping at a mall in the Real World once with Kitty. Everyone seemed afraid of me though. No one would speak to me.
ARWEN: [as she tries to reach a can of soup on a high shelf] Oh, that's awful! Urrrrgh! Oh, I can't reach this. I'm going to get a chair.
SALLY: No, wait, I can reach that.

[Arwen stares at Sally in amazement since she is shorter than Arwen is. To her surprise and horror, Sally easily yanks out the stitches holding her arm onto her shoulder in a single pull. The arm drops to the ground, its stuffing of leaves fluttering everywhere. Sally picks up her arm and reaches up so that the detached arm's fingers touch the can. Then to Arwen shock, the fingers clasp the can and the arm bends down and hands her the can.]

ARWEN: Uhh, uhhh... Thank you.
SALLY: You're welcome! I'll stitch this up later.

[Meanwhile, in the living room, the remainder of the household is eyeing one another uncomfortably.]

JACK: ...I think I'll go for a swim. [shoots Oogie Boogie a sly grin] Coming, Oogie?

[Oogie shoots Jack a withering look.]

OOGIE: I think I'll pass.
PIPPIN: Why?
OOGIE: Let's just say that bags of bugs and water don't exactly mix.
PIPPIN: Ohhh...
EOWYN: A swim sounds wonderful! Let me get changed!

[A bit later, Arwen finds refuge in the diary room.]

ARWEN: I don't know how long I can take this. I know I'm supposed to be respectful of different cultures and such, but they're all just so...so CREEPY! I might end up making friends with Sally though. She seems very nice. I just can't seem to warm up to Jack. He seems as nice as Sally... But he just... I dunno. We'll see. It's only been one day after all.

[Meanwhile in the lounge, Sally is staring out the back window while Frodo reads on the couch. Everyone else (except for Arwen) is outside either swimming or sitting in the late afternoon sun. Frodo notices Sally's wistful look and finally speaks up.]

FRODO: Why aren't you outside with them?

[Sally looks back at him and blushes slightly.]

SALLY: It's okay. I'd rather not.
FRODO: Why not?

[Sally shrugs and continues looking out the window. Frodo frowns slightly but goes back to his reading. Out back, Legolas silently takes Gandalf's hat away from where it's sitting next to the basking wizard and dunks it in the pool, filling it with water. Giggling to himself, the elf quickly takes it back to where Gandalf is sitting and slams the water-filled hat over his head. Gandalf jumps up, sputtering with rage and begins threatening the elf, who has hurried back into the pool.]

GANDALF: FOOL of an elf! Just you wait until nominations!
ARAGORN: Oh, Gandalf, lighten up, will you?
LEGOLAS: Where's Pippin?
BOROMIR: Oops... [pulls Pippin out from under the water] Sorry about that, Pip.
LEGOLAS: BOROMIR!!
DR. FINKLESTEIN: It seems to me that the bigger kind of your world enjoys trying to kill the smaller...
BOROMIR: Shut up! I forgot he needed my help!

[Meanwhile, Pippin is gasping for air and clutching Boromir's arm for dear life.]

JACK: You okay, Pippin?
PIPPIN: DO I LOOK OKAY??? I'm gonna tell Frodo you did that, Boromir! He'll beat you up!
BOROMIR: Calm down! Let's not do anything rash!
PIPPIN: FRODO!!!
BOROMIR: Keep your voice down, ****it!!!
FRODO: [peeking out the back door] Is someone calling me?
BOROMIR: [slapping a hand over Pippin's mouth] Nope.
FRODO: ...Okay. Hey, Aragorn, you may want to check on Arwen. She's been in the diary room for a while now...
ARAGORN: Okay, thanks.

[As Frodo and Aragorn head inside, Boromir briefly dunks Pippin spitefully.]
GANDALF: Cut it out, Boromir!

HIGHLIGHTS: TUESDAY; NOMINATION DAY.

[At around 8:00 AM, the housemates hear Big Brother come on over the intercom.]

BB: Good morning, housemates! It is now 8:00. Nominations are in one hour. Aragorn, you'll be up first. That is all.

[There is a lot of grumbling and cursing in the four rooms as the housemates groggily get up and start breakfast.]

NOMINATIONS:

ARAGORN: I'm gonna have to give two to that Dr. Finklestein character. He doesn't seem like much of a BB person. And one to Pippin. I'm sorry, but if I have to live with that hobbit in the same house for more than a month, I'll kill somebody.

ARWEN: Let's see... I'm giving Jack two votes. He just creeps me out! And I'm giving Oogie Boogie or whatever the **** he calls himself one. He creeps me out too.

BOROMIR: [yawns] Well let's see. I think I'll give Arwen two votes. She's too girly to be here. Plus I'm afraid of accidentally hitting on her and getting my molars knocked out by Arrers... And I'm giving Pip one. Little tattletale.

EOWYN: Sally gets my two votes. She seems sorta flighty. If she wants to win this thing, she's going to have to stick up for herself. Arwen's getting the one. Same reason.

DR. FINKLESTEIN: I'm giving Boromir two. He just seems like a big lug. And I'm giving Pippin one. I think it's obvious why.

FRODO: Well, I really had to think about this one... I think I'm going to give Dr. Finklestein two. He doesn't seem too thrilled to be here. And I'm giving Arwen one. She seems rather edgy.

GANDALF: It's so early in the game that I'm leery of voting anyone really... But I'm going to give Pippin two votes. I have a feeling things are going to get nasty and I really don't want him in the middle of it. I'm giving one vote to Eowyn. She's just a little too pushy for my taste.

JACK: Oogie gets my two. Old grudges die hard I guess. And I'm going to give Boromir one point. I'm having a hard time believing that he wasn't trying to drown Pippin yesterday.

LEGOLAS: Dr. Finklestein for two I think. I hate to say it, but one of these days, I just might have to shove that wheelchair of his into the pool. Pippin for one. I love him to death, but I'm afraid someone might lose their marbles and kill him. Mainly Aragorn.

OOGIE: I'm going to give Pippin my two points. He gets annoying. Frodo gets my last one. If I wanted drama I would've stayed home and watched "Lifetime: Television for Women".

PIPPIN: I'm giving Boromir two points! I think he was actually holding me under yesterday! I don't need someone trying to kill me while we're here. That Doctor gets my one vote. He's creepy!

SALLY: I'm going to have to give the Doctor two votes. I'm still so uncomfortable around him! Oogie gets one. He did try to kill me after all... I just can't get over that I'm afraid...

BB: Attention housemates. It is time to announce this week's nominees. This week there are three. Dr. Finklestein, Pippin and Boromir. That is all.

[After the nominees are announced, Sally pulls Jack aside to talk to him in private.]

SALLY: Go talk to Arwen.
JACK: Why?
SALLY: Because she's afraid of you! You need to show her that there's nothing to be afraid of!
JACK: But, Sally-
SALLY: Go now!
JACK: But-
SALLY: GO!

[Jack sulkily walks off in search of Arwen. Sally rolls her eyes and goes into her bedroom. Jack discovers Arwen sitting in the living room with Aragorn and Frodo.]

JACK: Arwen, can I talk to you for a minute?
ARWEN: [warily] Why?
JACK: Just come here.

[Arwen fearfully gets up and walks with Jack into the hallway.]

JACK: I've been sensing some tension between us and I just wanted to tell you that there's nothing to be scared of.
ARWEN: Okay.
JACK: I'm serious! I know I look...well, a bit questionable in your eyes, but I can assure you that I'm a nice guy. Even if I'm dead. Uh...
ARWEN: I know. Can I go now?
JACK: Sure.
ARWEN: Thanks.

[Arwen walks off leaving Jack looking rather pleased with himself.]

[Later, Sally slips into one of the bedrooms to find Eowyn sitting on Aragorn's bed going through his things.]

SALLY: Eowyn, can I ask you something?

[Eowyn jumps and whirls around. When she sees it's only Sally she relaxes.]

EOWYN: Sure! What is it?
SALLY: Um... [pauses] You know what, it's silly. Never mind.
EOWYN: Oh, come on! You can't leave me hanging like that!
SALLY: Well, I was going to ask you if you have an extra bathing suit.
EOWYN: As a matter of fact I do. Want to borrow it?
SALLY: No thanks.
EOWYN: You sure?
SALLY: Yeah. Thanks anyway.

[Sally hurries out of the room. Eowyn shrugs and goes back to fishing through Aragorn's suitcase.]

[In the kitchen, Gandalf is trying to cook, but keeps getting peppered with questions by a certain hobbit.]

PIPPIN: Have you ever cooked steak before? Are you good at it? You're going to cook mine well right? I like mine well done.
GANDALF: PEREGRIN TOOK! IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP...

[Pippin hurriedly scampers out of the room.]

HIGHLIGHTS: THURSDAY; CHALLENGE DAY:

[At exactly 7:00 AM, the housemates are awoken by the sound of a ship's horn.]

BB: Good morning, housemates! Today is Thursday and you know what that means! It's challenge day!
BOROMIR: La-dee-freakin'-da.
BB: The hot water will be turned on for one hour for showers as usual. The challenge will begin at 8:00 sharp. See you then!

[Nobody moves for a while. A foghorn is sounded.]

ARAGORN: ALL RIGHT! Geez!

[The housemates stumble into the kitchen and let Arwen shower first. At 8:00 they gather in the backyard to await their fate.]

BB: Attention housemates. This week's challenge is a video scavenger hunt.

[There is a murmur of mixed approval and disapproval throughout the group.]

BB: You will be separated into three groups of four. The teams will be thus:
Team one - Jack, Dr. Finklestein, Aragorn and Eowyn.
Team Two - Oogie Boogie, Sally, Arwen and Pippin.
Team Three - Gandalf, Frodo, Legolas and Boromir.
You will find three video cameras in the diary room with sheets of paper attached to them. You have two hours to do as many as you can. The winning team will receive a prize. Good luck.

[The housemates hurry to the diary room and grab the cameras. They grab the papers and see a list that goes like this:
1. Push someone who is NOT your teammate into the pool – 5 points
2. Perform a musical duet with a teammate – 10 points
3. Eat four raw eggs – 15 points
4. Drink an entire bottle of beer in less than 30 seconds – 10 points
5. Put ten marshmallows in your mouth and recite "Mary Had A Little Lamb" – 15 points
6. Have a male on you team get kicked in the groin by a female (doesn't have to be your teammate) – 5 points, add 10 bonus points if he passes out or throws up
7. Drink milk and then laugh it out your nose – 5 points
8. Eat Jell-O and laugh it out your nose – 10 points
9. Recite an Edgar Allan Poe poem – 5 points
10. Write an original poem – 5 points, add 5 bonus points if poem is more than five verses long
11. Cry – 10 points, add 10 bonus points if a male cries
12. Frighten another teammate – 5 points
13. Hug someone from a different world than your own – 5 points
14. Sing a song in a different language – 10 points
15. Remove a limb – 20 points
16. Touch your nose with your tongue – 20 points
17. Balance a spoon on your nose – 15 points
18. Share something about your childhood – 5 points
19. Share something that you've learned about one of your housemates – 10 points
20. Re-enact an embarrassing moment – 10 points
21. Reveal something not known about your adventure the books/movies do not include – 15 points
22. Perform a famous movie scene – 10 points
23. Say something sweet and romantic directed to your loved one – 10 points, add 5 bonus points if the loved one is not in the house
24. Recite a verse from the Lay of Luthien – 5 points, add 10 bonus points if said in Elvish
25. The team member with the longest hair gets it cut – 15 points
26. Get your ears pierced – 20 points
27. Play one round of truth or dare – 5 points
28. Eat an entire bag of Twizzlers – 10 points
29. Try something new – 5 points, add 10 points if you hate it
30. Drink five cans of soda – 10 points]

ARWEN: This is insane!

[Oogie Boogie lunges at her and roars. Arwen wheels back, screaming.]

OOGIE: You can mark off number 12. That's 5 points!

[The housemates quickly get to work, running off in different directions. Team one dashes into the kitchen.]

JACK: Wait, here! I'll take off my head!

[Aragorn hurriedly turns on the camera and films Jack pulling his head off of his neck with ease.]

EOWYN: Here's a knife!

[Before anyone can react, Eowyn chops off her long golden locks with a snick.]

ARAGORN: Okay, so far we have... 35 points!

[Suddenly, Pippin runs in and grabs the carton of eggs. He quickly cracks four of them into a mug and runs back out to the living room where his teammates are waiting for him.]

ARWEN: I cannot believe you're doing this...
PIPPIN: Here I go!

[Pippin swiftly downs the eggs and makes a very ill face.]

SALLY: I think I'm gonna be sick...
PIPPIN: YOU'RE gonna be sick??
OOGIE: Come on! Next one!

[Meanwhile, team three is arguing over who has longer hair, Legolas or Gandalf.]

LEGOLAS: I'm not being prissy, I just think Gandalf's hair is longer!
GANDALF: No way!
FRODO: Enough! All of these are optional! Instead of fighting, why don't we carry on?
BOROMIR: Right. Cry, Frodo.
FRODO: What??
BOROMIR: Come on! You do it all the time! You know how many points we'll get if you cry?? 20!

[Frodo punches Boromir in the stomach. Legolas quickly grabs the camera as Boromir's eyes fill with tears.]

FRODO: Serves you right, you big lug.
LEGOLAS: That's 20 points! Thanks, Boz!

[As Boromir writhes on the floor, Eowyn leads Team One into her shared room and sits a quivering Aragorn down on her bed.]

EOWYN: You're sure you want to do this?
ARAGORN: Yes. I'm going to let you pierce my ears.
EOWYN: Okay. I've got some spare gold earrings, so you're in luck. Jack, go get some rubbing alchohol will you?

[Jack sprints off to get the antiseptic while Eowyn washes her hands in the bathroom sink.]

DR. FINKLESTEIN: I have to admit Aragorn, this is quite impressive.
ARAGORN: [sweating bullets] Oh shut up. I've never been this scared in my life!

[Eowyn and Jack come back in at the same time and Eowyn commences cleaning Aragorn's ears with the antiseptic while Jack films.]

EOWYN: Okay, I'm just cleaning your ears right now. I don't have any special kind of marker, so I'm just gonna kinda wing it with your placement. If anything you can take the earrings out after the challenge and your ears heal over again.

[Aragorn fidgets nervously as Eowyn picks up the first earring.]

EOWYN: I assume you want me to do your left ear first, just in case you don't want another one?
ARAGORN: Well, I'm not gay, so yeah.
EOWYN: Okay. I cleaned the earring in the bathroom with the alchohol, but I'm gonna put some more on it just in case.
ARAGORN: Okay.
EOWYN: Alllllllrighty. Now, I'm gonna push it through your ear real fast okay? I want you to take a deep breath and relax. Ready?
ARAGORN: [trembling] Okay.
EOWYN: One. Two. Three.

[She shoves the earring through Aragorn's left ear. Aragorn looks dazed, but doesn't say anything.]

EOWYN: Okay, now the right one.

[Eowyn pierces his right one just as fast. As she puts the back clasps on the earrings, Aragorn stares into the camera with tears in his eyes.]

ARAGORN: [weakly] That wasn't so bad.
JACK: Not bad at all! You just earned us 20 points, buddy!

[Meanwhile, Team Three is already complaining to BB.]

GANDALF: How can you call this challange fair??? None of us can remove our limbs! There aren't any citizens of Halloween Town on our team!
BB: Sorry, Big Brother has spoken.
BOROMIR: Well, Big Brother can kiss my ***!
BB: That comment will be noted in the future, Boromir.
BOROMIR: [realising what he just did] Aw crap.
FRODO: I've got an idea. Hey, WYN!
EOWYN: [pausing in her rush to take a bag of twizzlers back to her teammates] Yeah?
FRODO: Come here and kick Boz in the groin.
EOWYN: Okay!

[Boromir instantly starts to protest, but it's too late. He receives a staggering blow from his sister-in-law and goes down for the count.]

LEGOLAS: WOOHOO! 15 POINTS! Boz? Can you hear me?

[Eowyn hurries off into the bedroom and hands Aragorn the twizzlers.]

ARAGORN: Can't you do it? I got my ears pierced!
EOWYN: Just do it! And remember, they don't say anything about throwing up, so if anything, throw up and eat the rest!
ARAGORN: Oh, friggin' Eru...

[Meanwhile, Team Two manages to have Arwen sing two lines from the Lay of Luthien in Elvish, killing two birds with one stone and earning extra credit.]

PIPPIN: Oh! You know how I ate those eggs?
SALLY: How could we not?
PIPPIN: Well, I tried something new by doing that, and I hated it!

[There's a pause.]

OOGIE: I like the way you think!

[Back in Team One's territory, poor Aragorn is feeling the effects of his Twizzler binge.]

ARAGORN: Oh, I wanna die!

[Eowyn promptly kicks him in his special area. Aragorn turns bright red, throws up and then passes out.]

EOWYN: Does that count as extra, extra credit?

[Meanwhile, Legolas and Boromir act out the famous crop duster scene from "North by Northwest" with Boromir doing a wonderful job as the plane.]

BOROMIR: BRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!! POWPOWPOWPOWPOW!!!

[Time crawls on, nearing the end of the alloted time. Team Two is on a roll, having already completed ttwenty-one of the tasks]

SALLY: Pippin, do you have a girlfriend at home?
PIPPIN: [turns red] Maybe.
ARWEN: Say something sweet and romantic to her!
PIPPIN: Here??
ARWEN: Come on!
PIPPIN: Fine. [shifts uncomfortably] Hi...sweetie. Uhm... I'm sorry I can't be home right now, but...
SALLY: Oogie! Stop laughing! Go ahead, Pip.
PIPPIN: I just wanted to say that I love you and I miss you, and I can't wait to see you again.
SALLY, ARWEN: Awwwww!
OOGIE: Oh please...

[Team One on the other hand, isn't faring quite as well since they used up a lot of time trying to get Aragorn well enough to sit up again. Eowyn is sopping wet, having fallen victim to Team Three's solution to task number one.]

JACK: Oh! I have a story not included in our movie! When I went over to the doctor's lab to get some equipment, his wheelchair went over the ledge and fell almost two stories!
EOWYN: Ouch.
DR. FINKLESTEIN: After a while, you stop feeling pain.

[Team Three isn't doing much better in terms of completed tasks.]

LEGOLAS: I think we took too long deciding what to do for that movie scene.
BOROMIR: Oh! Something about my childhood! When I was twelve, I threw Faramir off of the walls of Minas Tirith!
FRODO, LEGOLAS, GANDALF: WHAT???
BOROMIR: Well he's okay, right?

[Suddenly a buzzer sounds.]

BB: Time is up. Housemates, put your videotapes in the diary room and meet back at the TV in the lounge.
BOROMIR: Whoo! Showtime! Do we get popcorn?
LEGOLAS: I'll make some!

[About fifteen minutes later, the housemates huddle around the TV expectantly.]

BB: First we'll show Team One's tape, then Team Two's and then Team Three's. After the tapes are over, we'll announce the winning team.

[The TV flickers on to show Kisa standing outside the Big Brother house with Zero.]

KISA: Hi, guys!
HOUSEMATES: Hi!
KISA: You guys having fun yet?
ZERO: Bark, bark!
LEGOLAS: Yeah, tons of fun!
KISA: It disturbs me that you were being serious, Greenleaf. Okay, before we roll the tapes, I'm here to "threaten" your peaceful abode.

[There is anxious murmuring among the housemates.]

KISA: This is G.I.R.... Where'd he go?

[A little robot peeks around Kisa with a mischevious grin. (If you don't know what he looks like, this gallery has some good shots of him with and without his dog disguise http://www.geocities.com/invaderalegna/girgal1.html )]

KISA: Oh, there you are. This is G.I.R.!
G.I.R.: [waves] Hi!
KISA: If you don't want him in your house, the nominees for eviction must choose to forfeit the immunity offered by Big Brother to the winner of this week's challenge.

[Disappointed chatter insues and Kisa holds up her hand for quiet.]

KISA: Here's the best part, you have to choose now, BEFORE the winner is announced.
BOROMIR: That's not fair!
KISA: Life's not fair, get over it. You have until the end of the tapes. But first, let me give you an example of what life with little "Gir" is like. GIR! Go get me a soda!

[Gir stares at Kisa for a moment and suddenly runs around her, hopping and moving his arms like a monkey.]

GIR: I'm dancin' like a monkey!! Monkey!!!
KISA: Gir, what happened to my car???
GIR: I like destroying!!
KISA: Seriously!!! Why'd you let him near my car without me around??? OH GOSH! GIR!!! YOU TOTALED MY CAR!!! ALL BY YOURSELF????
GIR: I wanna watch TV!
KISA: [twitches] Okay, nominees. It's up to you now. Good luck.

[The TV switches to a title screen that reads "Team One".]

[[[[[[[[[[TAPE]]]]]]]]]]

[A tranquil piano sonata plays in the background.]

JACK: Wait! Here! I'll take off my head!

[He pops it off and holds it up to the camera.]

EOWYN: Here's a knife!

[Eowyn chops off her long golden locks with a snick.]

ARAGORN: Okay, so far we have... 35 points!

[Cut scene to Eowyn seating Aragorn on her bed.]

EOWYN: You're sure you want to do this?
ARAGORN: Yes. I'm going to let you pierce my ears.
EOWYN: Okay. I've got some spare gold earrings, so you're in luck. Jack, go get some rubbing alchohol will you?

[Jack sprints off to get the antiseptic while Eowyn washes her hands in the bathroom sink.]

DR. FINKLESTEIN: [the one filming] I have to admit Aragorn, this is quite impressive.
ARAGORN: [sweating bullets] Oh shut up. I've never been this scared in my life!

[Eowyn and Jack come back in at the same time and Eowyn commences cleaning Aragorn's ears with the antiseptic while Jack films.]

EOWYN: Okay, I'm just cleaning your ears right now. I don't have any special kind of marker, so I'm just gonna kinda wing it with your placement. If anything you can take the earrings out after the challenge and your ears heal over again.

[Aragorn fidgets nervously as Eowyn picks up the first earring.]

EOWYN: I assume you want me to do your left ear first, just in case you don't want another one?
ARAGORN: Well, I'm not gay, so yeah.
EOWYN: Okay. I cleaned the earring in the bathroom with the alchohol, but I'm gonna put some more on it just in case.
ARAGORN: Okay.
EOWYN: Alllllllrighty. Now, I'm gonna push it through your ear real fast okay? I want you to take a deep breath and relax. Ready?
ARAGORN: [trembling] Okay.
EOWYN: One. Two. Three.

[She shoves the earring through Aragorn's left ear. Aragorn looks dazed, but doesn't say anything.]

EOWYN: Okay, now the right one.

[Eowyn pierces his right one just as fast. As she puts the back clasps on the earrings, Aragorn stares into the camera with tears in his eyes.]

ARAGORN: [weakly] That wasn't so bad.
JACK: Not bad at all! You just earned us 20 points, buddy!

[Cut scene to Eowyn running into the room with a bag of Twizzlers.]

ARAGORN: Can't you do it? I got my ears pierced!
EOWYN: Just do it! And remember, they don't say anything about throwing up, so if anything, throw up and eat the rest!
ARAGORN: Oh, friggin' Eru...

[Aragorn begins eating five Twizzlers at a time, becoming greener with every bite. Finally, after the bag is empty, he collapses on the floor in agony.]

ARAGORN: Oh, I wanna die!

[Eowyn promptly kicks him in his special area. Aragorn turns bright red, throws up and then passes out.]

EOWYN: Does that count as extra, extra credit?

[Cut scene to Dr. Finklestein drinking four raw eggs. After he's done, the camera pans over to Aragorn, who sings a verse of the Lay of Luthien in Elvish.]

EOWYN: Good job, nancy.
ARAGORN: Shut up, b-!

[Cut scene to Aragorn, who's all teary-eyed.]

ARAGORN: This is a message for Arwen. Wen, I know we've had our differences, and I know your dad hates me, but I love you, cupcake! [sobs] I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

[Jack hands Aragorn a tissue from offscreen.]

ARAGORN: I need a minute, turn off the camera.

[Cut scene to Eowyn, who touches her nose with her tongue and begins guzzling a bottle of beer.]

JACK: Whooo! You go, girl!

[Eowyn finishes in less then five seconds, then gets up and hugs Jack.]
[Cut scene to Jack, who holds up a bag of marshmallows.]

JACK: Just to prove once again that I have a big mouth...

[He stuffs ten marshmallows into his mouth and begins to recite the poem "Mary Had a Little Lamb".]

JACK: Mawee 'a' a 'ittwe 'ab, if's bweefe wav what as ow. Amb ebwy bwhewe Mawee wemdt, a wab bwas 'uwe do go.

[The others cheer and laugh offscreen as Jack sets to work eating the marshmallows.]
[Cut scene to Dr. Finklestein, who begins drinking five cans of soda.]

ARAGORN: Dang! That just ain't right! It's like he's just got a tube for a mouth and throat!

[The Doctor finishes, holding up the cans in triumph.]
[Cut scene to Jack sharing his untold story about the good doctor.]

JACK: I have a story not included in our movie! When I went over to the doctor's lab to get some equipment, his wheelchair went over the ledge and fell almost two stories!
EOWYN: Ouch.
DR. FINKLESTEIN: After a while, you stop feeling pain.

[Cut scene to Eowyn with a mouthful of Jell-O.]

ARAGORN: [sitting next to her] Ready?

[Eowyn nods.]

ARAGORN: Okay, [as Eowyn begins to swallow] Boromir thinks he's stronger than you.

[Eowyn snorts, gags, cackles and Jell-O comes out her nose. She grabs at her nose and yelps in pain.]

JACK: Hahahahaa!!!! That was great! Do it again!

[Cut scene to a title screen that reads, "End".]

[[[[[[[[[[END TAPE]]]]]]]]]]

[The housemates are practically rolling with laughter.]

ARWEN: Great job, you guys!
EOWYN: My nose still hurts from that last stunt...
BB: Quiet for Team Two's tape.

[[[[[[[[[[TAPE]]]]]]]]]]

[Cue tranquil piano sonata]

ARWEN: [looking over Pippin's shoulder at the list] This is insane!

[Oogie Boogie lunges at her and roars. Arwen wheels back, screaming.]

OOGIE: You can mark off number 12. That's 5 points!

[Cut scene to Pippin running in with a mug with four raw eggs.]

ARWEN: I cannot believe you're doing this...
PIPPIN: Here I go!

[Pippin swiftly downs the eggs and makes a very ill face.]

SALLY: I think I'm gonna be sick...
PIPPIN: YOU'RE gonna be sick??
OOGIE: Come on! Next one!

[Cut scene to Arwen sing two lines from the Lay of Luthien in Elvish.]

PIPPIN: Okay, that's two things at once! And we got extra credit! Booyeah! Oh! You know how I ate those eggs?
SALLY: How could we not?
PIPPIN: Well, I tried something new by doing that, and I hated it!

OOGIE: I like the way you think! While we're going down the line, gimme those cans of soda.

[Pippin hands Oogie five cans of 7-Up and he promptly slurps them down.]

SALLY: Wow, that's...impressive.
ARWEN: I've got a story that wasn't in the books or the movies. When Aragorn kissed me after I gave him the Evenstar, Daddy caught us and almost...."gelded" Aragorn.

[There's a pause...then uproarious laughter.]

[Pippin goes into the kitchen and comes out with a bottle of beer, a glass of milk, some Jell-O, a spoon and a bag of Twizzlers.]

SALLY: Here, give me the beer.

[Pippin looks surpried, but hands her the bottle. Sally takes it and guzzles the beer in fifteen seconds. The others stare in shock.]

SALLY: If you're wondering where I learned this... I'm not going to tell you.

OOGIE: Now...something funny...
PIPPIN: OH!!! Eowyn says she's prettier than you!

[Arwen laughs. Hard. A lovely blend of milk and Jell-O drips from her nose.]

PIPPIN: Holy ERU that's cool!

ARWEN: Oh! Sally! Recite Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven"! I know it's a really common poem, but I love how you put your soul into it!

[Sally obliges. Afterwards, the other three, including Oogie, have tears in their eyes. Pippin gets up and hugs Sally.]

SALLY: Pippin, do you have a girlfriend at home?
PIPPIN: [turns red] Maybe.
ARWEN: Say something sweet and romantic to her!
PIPPIN: Here??
ARWEN: Come on!
PIPPIN: Fine. [shifts uncomfortably] Hi...sweetie. Uhm... I'm sorry I can't be home right now, but...
SALLY: Oogie! Stop laughing! Go ahead, Pip.
PIPPIN: I just wanted to say that I love you and I miss you, and I can't wait to see you again.
SALLY, ARWEN: Awwwww!
OOGIE: Oh please...

[Cut scene to Sally, who pulls the stitches connecting her hand to her arm out, letting her hand drop to the floor. The camera swings over to Arwen who touches her nose with her tongue. Then the camera swings over to Pippin.]

PIPPIN: When I was six, my dad told me that he found me in the river when I was ten months old, abandoned by gypsies. I didn't find out the truth until Frodo came to visit.
ARWEN: That's awful!
PIPPIN: That's nothing. I found out that the Valar pulled a trick on Gandalf, telling him they meant to make him a woman!

[Oogie is heard laughing hysterically in background.]

[Cut scene to Pippin, who informs the audience this is a re-enactment of Arwen's most embarrassing moment. The camera swings over to Arwen. She is writing a lovely letter to Aragorn to go with the shirt she made him. Little does she realise, she forgets to put the "r" in "shirt" and sends the letter. It reads: "My darling, I wish we could be together, but until that wonderous day, I have made you a s*** with my own hands."]

ARWEN: That's why I always spellcheck.

[Cut scene to Pippin]

PIPPIN: STELLA!!!!!

[Cut scene to all the team-mates on the floor in a circle.]

PIPPIN: Truth or dare time! Oogie! Truth or dare?
OOGIE: Truth.
PIPPIN: How on earth did you put yourself back together after that incident with Jack?
OOGIE: I had a lot of help. A *lot* of help.

[The others snicker to themselves.]

OOGIE: Arwen, truth or dare?
ARWEN: Truth.
PIPPIN: Oh, come ON!
OOGIE: [ignoring Pippin] What were those pregnancy tests doing in your suitcase?

[There's a long pause.]

ARWEN: I'm pregnant.

[CUE HOUSE VIEW]
[[[[[Aragorn: [begins to hyperventilate]
EOWYN: Ho...ly....crap...]]]]]
[END HOUSE VIEW]

OOGIE: Uhhhh.....
ARWEN: Pip, truth or dare?
PIPPIN: ........Dare?
ARWEN: Oh, who are we kidding? That should be enough for that one.


[[[[[END TAPE]]]]]

[A few hours later, the housemates have become resigned to the fact that GIR is their new roommate… And have also taken to blaming Boromir.]

BOROMIR: What did I do?!
EOWYN: Uh, hello? YOU were the one who wanted the immunity! Turns out you didn’t even get it! The cute “no one will vote him out” midget got it even though he didn’t NEED it!
PIPPIN: That’s me, right?
FRODO: Yes, that’s you.
BOROMIR: Man, this sucks! Big Brother! I take it back! Take GIR away!
BB: Way too late for that, Boromir.
BOROMIR: That’s not fair!
BB: I don’t give a flying ****.

[Eowyn bursts into giggles. Boromir continues to sulk.]

GANDALF: We might as well make the most of it. Oh crap, here he comes. Later.

[Gandalf hurries out of the room as GIR wanders in.]

GIR: Let’s watch a movie.
LEGOLAS: We don’t have a VCR.

[a pause]

GIR: I wanna watch a movie!
LEGOLAS: We don’t have a VCR!

[another pause]

GIR: [shrieking] MOVIE!!!!
LEGOLAS: [sighs] We still don’t have a VCR.

[GIR walks out of the room. Shortly after he leaves, a series of crashes is heard coming from the bedrooms. The housemates rush to see what’s happened and find GIR throwing a temper tantrum; throwing their belongings from room to room.]

ARAGORN: What are you doing??!?!!?!

[He starts chasing GIR around, who giggles shrilly as he trails Aragorn’s pants behind him like a banner.]

ARAGORN: Don’t just stand there! Help me grab him!
JACK: Aragorn, I don’t mean to be cruel… But there’s no way I’m giving that thing a reason to cause more problems for me.
LEGOLAS: I’m with Bony. [Jack gives him a queer look] GIR’s enough of a problem when he’s on good terms with us.
SALLY: [looking like she might keel over] I don’t feel well… I’m going to go sit in the living room.
JACK: Are you all right?
SALLY: I’m fine.

[Jack looks like he’s about to say something, but gets distracted by GIR dashing between his legs. Without thinking, Aragorn charges after him, barreling over Jack like a freight train.]

ARWEN: Aragorn, have you lost your mind?!
ARAGORN: Like a fox! [Arwen furrows her brow; obviously trying to make sense of that expression] Cut him off!

[Legolas shrugs and picks GIR up as he passes. GIR curls up in his arms and falls fast asleep.]

FRODO: Well, that was easy…
PIPPIN: I guess he just needed a nap.
LEGOLAS: Aww, lookatim! Isn’t he cute?
ARAGORN: Go to hell, Legolas.
LEGOLAS: Hey, now you have to put a nickel in the jar.

[Aragorn tries to give him a menacing look, but fails miserably and stomps out of the room.]

LEGOLAS: What a grouch.

[Later on, GIR is curled up on the chaise, napping. Sally is stitching Aragorn’s torn pants back together while Jack watches her with a worried look. The other housemates are either out in the pool, in their rooms or complaining in the diary room.]

JACK: Are you all right?
SALLY: [with a smile] Fine. Why do you ask?
JACK: No reason.[a pause] You just seem to be getting sick a lot lately.
SALLY: I’m fine.
JACK: Okay. [he pretends to be interested in the activity outside]
SALLY: Boromir’s been in the diary room for nearly an hour now…

[Meanwhile, in the diary room:]

BOROMIR: [in tears] I just don’t see why they have to be so MEAN! Am I ever that mean to them?

[A voice that is clearly Kisa’s comes over the intercom.]

KISA: You okay, buddy?
BOROMIR: I hate this place! Everybody hates me! I wanna go home!
KISA: Quit yer bitchin’. Do you wanna leave?
BOROMIR: No…
KISA: People have been waiting to get into the diary room for a half an hour. Do you think you could come back later?
BOROMIR: Bite me! I’m in psychological turmoil!
KISA: Boromir, you need to calm down. You’re going to be in there for goodness knows how long. People are going to hate you. I know I do. But have you ever let that get to you?
BOROMIR: No…
KISA: You’re darn right you don’t! Now get back out there and be a man! That means bottling up your feelings until you do something insane.
BOROMIR: You’re right! I don’t need them! Screw you all!
KISA: That’s the ticket! Now get out there and play the game!
BOROMIR: Thanks, Kisa!
KISA: Shut up.

[Boromir skips out cheerfully, breezing by a rather impatient-looking Eowyn.]

EOWYN: What took you so long?
BOROMIR: Shut up, b****.
EOWYN: A**-h***.

[Eowyn goes into the diary room, shuts the door and flops onto the couch.]

EOWYN: Where should I start?
KISA: From the beginning. The more you complain, the higher our ratings are.
EOWYN: Okay, then, here are 99 reasons I hate Aragorn…

[Out by the pool, Boromir sits down on the lawnchair next to Legolas, who is sunbathing.]

BOROMIR: Do you have sunblock on?
LEGOLAS: Don’t need it. You doin’ okay?
BOROMIR: I guess. I don’t like all this pressure.
LEGOLAS: Pippin, you splash me again and I’ll skin you alive! Is it being on the chopping block or the fact that you brought GIR into the house?
BOROMIR: Mostly the first. I’m not looking forward to the insults if I’m the first to get voted out.
LEGOLAS: I can imagine…
BOROMIR: What should I do?
LEGOLAS: Suck up to the viewers and don’t worry about it.

HIGHLIGHTS; SATURDAY:

[Legolas is the first one up and decides to keep GIR busy by helping him cook waffles. Sally wanders in around eight o’clock, looking bleary-eyed.]

LEGOLAS: Good morning, lovely.
SALLY: Good morning. Good morning, GIR.
GIR: I’m making muffins!
LEGOLAS: You mean waffles.
GIR: [gives Legolas a blank look] Monkey?
LEGOLAS: Yeah, okay. How did you sleep, Sally?
SALLY: I didn’t really. You?
LEGOLAS: I slept like a rock. No thanks to Gandalf’s snoring.

[Sally giggles as GIR plops a plate piled high with waffles in front of her.]

LEGOLAS: So when’s the baby due?

[Sally stares at him in shock.]

LEGOLAS: What? I’m an elf. I know these things. When’s the baby due?
SALLY: Six months maybe.
LEGOLAS: Exciting! You know, someone told me that the best way to prepare for labor is to use those exercise balls.

[Sally just blinks. Arwen walks in, already dressed and showered.]

ARWEN: Waffles. Again. Lovely.
LEGOLAS: When are you and Aragorn going to have a baby? I know it’s Sally who’s pregnant, so don’t pretend with me.
ARWEN: Legolas! Is that proper breakfast talk?
LEGOLAS: What? It’s not like I asked, “So, has he been banging you right?”
ARWEN: Oh, my Eru…
LEGOLAS: Come on! Sally and I are bonding. You might as well join us.
ARWEN: You do know that you’re male, right?
LEGOLAS: Something wrong with that?
ARWEN: Never mind…

[Later on in the day, Pippin gets bored and decides to start a water balloon fight… In the house. He nails Boromir in the head, who grabs the sprayer out of the sink and starts hosing down Pippin and the kitchen.]

LEGOLAS: [comes running in] WHAT THE **** ARE YOU DOING?!! LOOK AT THE FLOOR!! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR ****ING MIND???!?!?!?!!

[The fight is cut short and Pippin and Boromir are banned outside.]

FRODO: I think Legolas is going crazy.
JACK: I figured he was always like this.
FRODO: Well… He is… It’s just… I think he’s going craziER.
JACK: Ah.

[Meanwhile, in the diary room…]

LEGOLAS: I think I’m going crazy. Is it too much to ask to try and keep people from flooding the kitchen?! Gah!

[Aragorn goes up to Arwen who is cleaning her nails in the lounge with a compassionate look on his face.]

ARAGORN: How are you feeling, shnookums?
ARWEN: I told you not to call me that. And I’m fine. Why do you ask?
ARAGORN: No morning sickness?
ARWEN: Morning sickness? Why would I…? OH! Oh, right, the baby thing… Right.
ARAGORN: [raises an eyebrow] What do you mean “oh yeah”?
ARWEN: Erm, well, I have been having some memory problems lately. You know how pregnant women’s brains get smaller?
ARAGORN: But you’re an elf…
ARWEN: Don’t bother me, sweetie. I’m hormonal.
ARAGORN: Uh, okay…

[GIR runs by, screaming at the top of his lungs, the top of his head on fire. Oogie is close behind with a fire extinguisher.]

OOGIE: Hold still!!! You’re gonna incinerate us all!!
DR. FINKLESTEIN: I hope I get out of here tomorrow…
ARWEN: Oh, that’s right… Eviction tomorrow.

[There’s a tapping on the window. Everyone turns to see Boromir’s face plastered against the glass.]

BOROMIR: Can we come in yet? We’re hungry.