My favorite Joke sites.
Jokes about various categories
If you like to annoy people this is the site for you.
I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, "That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
51 Days
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table.
The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed children's jigsaw puzzle. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture explains, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.
"The side of the box said 2 to 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
How To Annoy Your Parents
Paint your windows.
Boil ice cream.
Join Hell's Angels by mail.
Redecorate your garage.
Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids.
Bury your fathers car. Tell your him the dog did it.
Challenge the neighbor kid to duel.
Climb a sidewalk.
Donate your brother's body to science.
Have your cat bronzed.
Hot wax the bottoms of your brother's dress shoes.
Learn to type...with your toes.
Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins.
Mow your carpet.
Paint your home...day-glo orange.
Pinstripe your driveway.
Plant a shoe.
Play Houdini with one of your siblings.
Plot the overthrow of your local School Board.
Pour instant concrete in your brothers waterbed.
Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets.
Rake your carpet (to clean up the clippings.)
Ride a loaf of bread.
See if you really can build a small nuclear device in your basement.
Speak in acronyms.
Take apart all your major kitchen appliances. Mix and match the parts.
Take your sofa for a walk.
Turn your TV picture tube upside down.
Wax the ceiling.
Speed Limit
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a State Policeman sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five blondes - two in the front and three in the back of the car - wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver is obviously confused, and says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly - twenty-two miles an hour," the old woman said proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am," the officer says, "I have to ask... Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."
The differences between Men and Women
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Goodwill, Peanut-Head and Useless.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings, funerals.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Daddys Rules Of Dating
Rule One:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Two:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"
Rule Three:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Four:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule five:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.
The Bet
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink and were watching the six o'clock news on television. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, the man jumped The blonde gave the redhead $50.
The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."
The blonde said, "No, a bet's a bet."
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on TV on the five o'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde says, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
Blonde Flying
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to the coach section since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so."
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
The pilot replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
Insults
Your so dumb, you climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.
Do you know how to keep an idiot in suspense? …..I'll let you know tomorrow.
Your so fat that when you walk outside in a red shirt everyone Shouts 'Kool Aid, Kool Aid'
Did you eat a brain tumor for breakfast?
your so fat that when u get on the scales it says to be continued .......!
Yo mamma so stupid she bowled a bowl of corn flakes down the aisle.
your moms so fat that when she wears a yellow top people shout TAXI!!!
Your moms so fat that when she ordered a water bed they gave her the pacific ocean!!
Your so fat you had to get baptized at Seaworld
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