Season 1
The One Where Monica Gets A Roommate (a.k.a. The One Where It All Began)
Rachel: You are the only person I knew who lived here in the city.
Monica: Who wasn’t invited to the wedding.
Rachel: Oh! I was hoping it wouldn’t be an issue.
Ross: I don’t want to be single. Okay? I just want to be married again.
(Rachel enters the coffee shop dressed in a bridal dress)
Chandler: And I just want a million dollars.
Monica: Come on. You can't live off your parents your whole life.
Rachel: I know that! That's why I was getting married.
Rachel: Daddy! Daddy listen to me! It's like all my life everyone's told me, "You're a shoe!" "You're a shoe!" "You're a shoe!" Well, what if I don't want to be a shoe? What if I wanna be a purse or a hat? No I don't want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a hat - It's a metaphor Daddy!
Ross: You can see where he'd have trouble.
Rachel: Anyone want any coffee?
Chandler: Are you just serving it? Or did you make it?
Rachel: Serving it.
Everyone: Yeah, I'll have a cup.
Ross: You probably never knew this but back in high school I had a major crush on you.
Rachel: I knew.
Ross: You probably just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother.
Rachel: I did.
Monica: Joey, please don't hit on her. [Rachel]. It's her wedding day.
Joey: What, like there are rules?
Rachel: (On the phone with her dad) Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait, wait, I said "maybe!"
Ross: I told mom and dad last night, they seemed to take it pretty well.
Monica: Oh really, so that hysterical phonecall I got from a woman sobbing at 3 AM, "I'll never have grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren!" was what? A wrong number?
Everybody: (Rachel is supposed to be cutting up her credit cards) Cut, cut, cut, cut.
Rachel: (Cuts a card]) You know what? I think we can leave it at that. It was kind of a symbolic gesture...
Monica: Rachel, that was a library card.
Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... Did I say that out loud?
The One With The Sonogram At The End
Monica: Chandler, you are the only child. Right? You don’t have any of this.
Chandler: Well no. Although I had an imaginary friend, who my parents actually preferred.
(Discussing baby names)
Ross: What about Julia?
Carol: Julia!
Susan: We agreed on Minnie.
Ross: It's funny, we (Gestures to Carol) agreed we'd spend the rest of our lives together. Things change, roll with the punches!
Rachel: (On phone) Hi Mindy. Hi it's Rachel. Yeah, fine. I saw Barry today. Uh yeah, yeah, he told me. No, well it's ok. Really. It's ok, really. I hope you two are very happy. I really do, and well Min - ya know - if everything works out and you guys end up getting married and having kids and everything... I just hope they have his old hairline and your old nose.
Rachel: (To Phoebe) You're a twin?
Phoebe: Oh yeah. We don't speak. She's like this high-powered driven career type.
Chandler: What does she do?
Phoebe: She's a waitress.
The One With The Thumb
Phoebe: If I bought boots, whenever I walked I would hear, "Not mine, not mine, not mine." And when I was skipping, I would hear, "not-not mine, not-not mine, not-not mine."
Joey: Don't you have any respect for your body?
Ross: Don't you realize what you're doing to yourself?
Chandler: I've had it with you guys and your cancer, your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it.
Joey: (Monica drags in Joey) What's going on?
Monica: Nothing. I just think it's nice when we're all here together.
Joey: Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear.
The One With George Stephanopoulos
Joey: Man. Can you believe he's only had sex with one woman?
Chandler: I think it's great. You know, it's sweet. It's romantic.
Joey: Really?
Chandler: No, You kidding? The guy is a freak.
Ross: I remember the moonlight coming through the window, and her face had the most incredible glow.
Chandler: Yes, the moon, the glow, the magical feeling, you did this part. Could I get some painkillers over here, please?
(talking to the receptionist)
Chandler: Excuse me, look, we've been here for over an hour, and a lot of people less sick than my friend have gone in. I mean that guy with the toe thing. Who's he sleeping with?
Phoebe: Oh and I brought Operation! I lost the tweezers so we can't operate, but we can prep the guy!
Ross: I think I'm just gonna go home and think of my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.
Joey: Hell with the hockey! Let's all do that.
Rachel: Everyone I know is either getting married or getting pregnant or getting promoted, and I'm getting coffee! And it's not even for me!
(Rachel gets her first paycheck)
Rachel: I earned this. I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally - (looks closely at the check) - not worth it!
Rachel: Who is FICA and why is he getting all my money?
Monica: It's the credit card people. They say there's been some unusual activity on your account.
Rachel: But I haven't used my credit card in weeks!
Monica: That is the unusual activity.
The One With The East German Laundry Detergent
Joey: You know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts any time they want. You just look down and there they are. How you get any work done is beyond me.
The One With The Butt
Ross: (to Chandler) Look at it this way. You dumped her. Right? I mean this woman was unbelievably sexy and beautiful, intelligent, unattainable. Tell me why you did this again?
Director: And cut. Hey, Butt Guy, what the hell are you doing?
Joey: Well, I'm showering.
Director: No, that was clenching.
Joey: Oh. Well, the way I see it, the guy's upset here, you know? I mean, his wife's dead, his brother's missing. I think his butt would be angry here.
Ross: Come on. Seriously Joey, what's the part?
Joey: I'm his... (mumbles)
Rachel: You're, you're 'mah mah mah' what?
Joey: I'm his butt double. Ok? I play Al Pacino's butt. Alright? He goes into the shower, and then I'm his butt.
The One With The Blackout
Chandler: (At the camera in the ATM vestibule, after the blackout) Hi. Um, I'm account number 7143457. And uh, I don't know if you got any of that, but I would really like a copy of the tape.
The One Where Nana Dies Twice
Ross: No no, me neither. Although, uh, y'know, back in college, Susan Sallidor did. (Think that Chandler was gay)
Chandler: You're kidding! Did you tell her I wasn't?
Ross: No. No, it's just 'cause, uh, I kinda wanted to go out with her too, so I told her, actually, you were seeing Bernie Spellman... who also liked her, so...
Rachel: (To Chandler) When I first met you... I thought maybe, possibly, you might be... but then you spent Phoebe's entire birthday party talking to my breasts, so then I figured maybe not.
The One Where Underdog Gets Away
(Toasting Thanksgiving)
Chandler: Alright I'd like to propose a toast, a little toast here . Ding, ding! I know this isn't exactly the kind of thanksgiving that all of you planned, but for me, this has been really great. You know, I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway I was just thinking, I mean, if you had gone to Vail or if you guys had been with your family or if you didn't have syphillis and stuff... we wouldn't be all together you know so I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm very thankful that all your Thanksgivings sucked.
Everyone Else: That's so sweet!
Ross: And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas!
Rachel: And a crappy new year.
Chandler: Here, Here!
Monica: (Holding sandwich) Does anybody wanna split this with me?
Joey: Oh, I will.
Phoebe: Ooh, you guys have to make a wish.
Monica: Make a wish?
Phoebe: Come on, you know, Thanksgiving.
(They rip the sandwich in two halfs)
Phoebe: Ooh, you got the bigger half. What'd you wish for?
Joey: The bigger half.
Ross: (Singing to Carol's stomach) Hey, hey, I'm your daddy. I'm the one without any breasts.
Ross: Do you, uh, do you talk about me?
Susan: Yeah, yeah, all the time.
Ross: Really?
Susan: But um, we just refer to you as Bobo the Sperm Guy.
(Joey enters, his face looks colorful and shiny)
Chandler: And this from the cry-for-help department. Are you wearing makeup?
Joey: Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, actor slash model.
Chandler: That's so funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman.
The One With The Monkey
Joey: You seen Sandy?
Chandler: I don't know how to tell you this but she's in Monica's bedroom getting it on with Max, that scientist geek. Oh, look at that I did know how to tell you.
Monica: Do you always have to bring him here?
Ross: Look, I didn't wanna leave him alone. All right? We... we had our first fight this morning. I think it has to do with my working late. I said some things that I didn't mean, and he threw some feces...
Chandler: You know, if you're gonna work late I could look in on him for you.
Ross: Oh, that'd be great! Okay, but if you do, make sure it seems like you're there to see him, okay, and you're not, like, doing it as a favor to me.
Chandler: Okay, but if he asks, I'm not going to lie.
(Ross enters Monica's party with Marcel on his shoulders)
Ross: Par-tay!
Monica: That thing is not coming in here.
Ross: 'That thing'? This is how you greet guests at a party? Let me ask you something, if I showed up here with my new girlfriend, she wouldn't be welcome in your home?
Monica: I'm guessing your new girlfriend wouldn't urinate on my coffee table.
Ross: Hey, he was more embarrassed by that than anybody. And for him to have the courage to walk back in here like nothing happened...
Janice: I love this artichoke thing! Oh, don't tell me what's in it, the diet starts tomorrow! (Laughs her annoying Janice laugh)
Chandler: You remember Janice.
Monica: Vividly.
Rachel: Pheebs, I can't believe he hasn't kissed you yet. I mean God, by my sixth date with Paolo, he had already named both my breasts! ...Ooh. Did I just share too much?
Ross: Just a smidge.
Ross: It's been kinda quiet since Carol left, so...
Monica: Why don't you just get a roommate?
Ross: Nah, I dunno... I think you reach a certain age, having a roommate is kinda pathet- (Realises) ....sorry, that's, that's 'pathet', which is Sanskrit for 'really cool way to live'.
David (The scientist that Phoebe went out with that left for Minsk): ...and then I said that while Daryl Hannah is beautiful in the classical sense, you are beautiful with a delicate grace. And that's when you started yelling.
Ross: That would be Marcel. You wanna say hi?
Monica: No. No, I don't.
Rachel: Oh, he is precious! Where did you get him?
Ross: My friend, Bethel, rescued him from some lab.
Phoebe: That is so cruel! Why? Why would a parent name their child Bethel?
The One With Mrs. Bing
Ross: I was really upset about Rachel and Paulo, and I think I had too much tequila, and Nora, um, Mrs. Mom, your Bing, was just being nice!
Rachel: Chandler, I gotta tell you, I love your mom's books! I love her books! I cannot get on a plane without one! I mean, this is so cool!
Chandler: Yeah, well, you wouldn't think it was cool if you're eleven years old and all your friends are passing around page 79 of 'Mistress B$#&*.'
The One With The Stoned guy
Monica: The restaurant was so great! Not too big, not too small, just right!
Chandler: Was it formally owned by a blonde woman and some bears?
Joey: (Teaching Ross to talk dirty) If you can't talk dirty to me, how are you going to talk dirty to her? Now, tell me you want to caress my butt!
Ross: Hey guys. Does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood?
Joey: How about Tony's? If you can finish a thirty-two-ounce steak, it's free.
Ross: Okay. Hey, does anyone know a good place if you're not dating a puma?
The One With Two Parts (1)
Joey: Hey, have you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it expensive?
Chandler: Only if you order stuff...
Joey: I'm taking Ursula there, it's her birthday.
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What about Phoebe's birthday?
Joey: When's that?
Ross: Tonight!
Joey: Oh, man... what are the odds of that happening?
(Ross tries to console Carol about childbirth)
Carol: Oh, what do you know?! No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this POT ROAST THROUGH IT?!"
Joey: Pheebs, you think it would be okay if I asked out your sister?
Phoebe: Why? Why would you wanna do that?
Joey: So that if we went out on a date, she'd be there.
Phoebe: Well, I mean, I'm not my sister's, you know, whatever, and um... I mean, it's true, we were one egg, once, but er, you know, we've grown apart, so, um... I don't know, why not? Okay!
The One With All The Poker
Monica: Let's play for real. High stakes, big bucks.
Ross: Are you sure, because Phoebe just threw away two jacks because they didn't look happy.
Phoebe: Okay, Joey, your bet.
Joey: I fold like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face. (The girls look at him, confused.) Oh, I'm out.
Ross: Rach, did you proofread these?
Rachel: Uh. yeah, why?
Ross: Uh, nothing, I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent compuper skills.
Rachel: Oh my God. Oh, do you think it's on all of them?
Joey: Oh no. I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few.
Rachel: (After winning a hand of poker. Sing-song to Ross) I have got your money, and you'll never see it, and your fly's still open.
(Pause)
Rachel: Ha, I made you look.
The One With The Evil Orthodontist
Ross: (doing a crossword puzzle) Four-letter word, circle or hoop.
Chandler: (to the phone) Ring, damn it, ring!
Ross: Thank you.
Chandler: I can't believe you would actually say that! I would much rather be Mr. Peanut than Mr. Salty.
Joey: No way... Mr. Salty is a sailor, right? He's gotta be, like, the toughest snack there is.
The One With The Fake Monica
Monica: This is so unfair. She's got everything I want, and she doesn't have my mother.
Ross: She says Marcel's humping thing's not a phase. Apparently, he's reached sexual maturity.
Joey: (to Chandler) Hey! He beat ya!
Chandler: Joe... Joe... Joe... Stalin?
Joey: Stalin! Stalin. Do I know that name? It sounds familiar.
Chandler (sarcastically): Well, it does not ring a bell with me!
Joey: Joe Stalin. You know, that's pretty good!
Chandler(sarcastically): Hey, you know, you might wanna try "Joseph."
Joey: Joseph Stalin. I think you'd remember that!
Joey: You know there already is a Joseph Stalin?!
Chandler: You're kidding!
Joey: Apparently he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered all these people. You'd think you would've known that!
Chandler: Y'know, you'd think I would've.
Rachel: Let's just say my Curious George doll is no longer curious.
The One With The Ick Factor
Ethan: Uh, before we get into any staying-over stuff, there is something you should know.
Monica: Okay, is this like, "I have an early class tomorrow," or, "I'm secretly married to a goat?"
Joey: What the hell does a paleontologist need a beeper for?
Monica: Is it, like, for dinosaur emergencies? "Help! Come quick, they're still extinct!"
Ross: I can't believe you two had sex in her dream!
Chandler: I-I'm sorry... it was a one time thing, I was very drunk and it was someone else's subconscious...
Monica: Oh God, I just had sex with someone who wasn't alive during the Bicentennial!
Ethan: I just had sex!
The One With The Birth
Susan: Pheobe, what do you see?
Pheobe: Well Susan, I see what appears to be a dark vent ... yes, it is in fact a dark vent.
Susan: You get to be the baby's father. Everyone knows who you are. Who am I? There's Mother's Day. There's Father's Day. There's no Lesbian Lover Day.
Ross: Every day is Lesbian Lover Day.
Ross: Look, Carol never threw me out of a room before you came along.
Susan: Yeah? Well, there are a lot of things Carol never did before I came along
Phoebe: (Singing about babies) They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch, but soon they'll grow up and resent you so much. Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why, you cry and you cry and you cry. And you cry and you ...(Ross gives her some money)Oh, thank you Ross.
Ross: Yeah, I'm paying you to STOP.
Phoebe: (About Ross and Susan arguing) There are babies coming into the world in this very building and your negative fighting noises are not the first thing they should hear!
Ross: Yeah, SUSAN.
Phoebe: Don't MAKE me do this again, I do NOT like my voice like this!
Monica: (Seeing a woman with newborn twins) No fair! I don't even have ONE!
Phoebe: Susan, he looks just like you!
Susan: (Beaming) Thanks.
Rachel: Oh God, I can't believe one of us actually has one of these!
Chandler: I know. I still am one of these.
The One Where Rachel Finds Out
Ross: I'm going to China.
Joey: The country?
Ross: No, the big pile of dishes in my mom's break room.
Ross: Do you guys know who Carl is?
Chandler: Uh, let's see. Alvin, Simon, Theodore.... No.
Ross: Well, Rachel's having drinks with him tonight.
Joey: Oh no! How can she do that when she's never shown any interest in you?
Ross: Hey, is Rachel here? Um, I wanted to wish her a happy birthday before I left
Monica: Oh, no, she's out having drinks with Carl
Ross: Oh. Hey, who's Carl?
Monica: You know, that guy she met at the coffeehouse.
Ross: No.
Phoebe: Oh, well, see, there's this guy she met at the...
Ross: At the coffeehouse, right.
Phoebe: So you do know who he is!
Monica: You're going to China?
Ross: (Not wanting to get into it) It's for the museum. Someone found a bone. We want the bone. They don't want us to have the bone. I'm going to try to persuade them to give us the bone. It's a whole big bone thing.
(Ross bought Rachel an expensive pin for her birthday)
Monica: I can't believe he did this.
Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
Rachel: What did you just say?
Chandler: (Panicked) Ahem... um... Crystal duck.
Rachel: No, no, no... the, um, the... "love" part?
Chandler: (Stuttering incoherently) F-hah... flennin...
Rachel: Oh... my God.
Chandler: (Rubbing his temples) Oh, no-no-no-no-no...
Joey: That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time.
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