When I wake up in the morning the first thing I see is my reflection in the mirror above my bed. What I see determines how the rest of my day will be. And everyday is the same, because I still look the same. Ugly. My mother thought it would be a self-esteem booster. Could she ever be more wrong? I see a demented unhappy face. Every day. I hear my name being called. It is mother. It seems as though it is time for school. I’m up late as usual. I rush to dress in my usual attire, not even thinking about it.
When I get downstairs I hear a sigh from her. Once again she sees my clothing and sends me to change but I refuse. She is unhappy with me once again. I couldn’t care less. Instead of eating I walk out of the door. Because of my stubbornness I have to walk to school. I’m used to it by now. I walk every day. I almost start to think she hates me as much as I hate her for only different reasons. She wants me to fit in.
I arrive at school only minutes before the bell and rush to collect my things. As I walk through the door to my class they stare with their hateful eyes. I take my seat as the bell rings. It seems as thought the school is endless, as the work is too. When lunch finally arrives I sit outside alone. When I am home I realize another miserable day at school has passed and it is identical to all the others.
Mother asks how it was. I mutter the word fine under my breath and stalk up to my room. It is only early afternoon but I wish for this uneventful day to be over like the day before and the day before that. I work on my homework for about an hour. Then I hear mother calling me once again. Before I even attempt to move from my desk she is knocking at my door. Before I even answer she enters. She tells me that she is going out with another man again. I despise the men she brings home and dates. I want to yell and scream in protest but I know it would be of no use.
She quickly kisses my forehead and runs out the door. I smell her expensive perfume. I am left home alone like most nights. I almost wish it wasn’t Friday considering I would have to be home tomorrow and I know she will be in a hangover. But I am used to this by now. I only hope the strange man she is seeing wont stay over like most. I start to take out my journal to write in but then I realize what is the point. I flip through the pages and notice how they are all very alike. I close it and put it away and wondering if I shall write again in it. I decide a good remedy will be a long hot bath. I go into the bathroom and turn on the hot water. I undress and step in. I grab the book titled Twilight Hunger and am lost in the world of vampires and fantasies. Without noticing it the time passes quickly and I begin to tire.
I step out and put my night clothing on. I get into my bed and under the silk sheets. I also pull my comforter to my chin and begin to shiver. The house is cold. I look up and see my reflection. I want to break the mirror. Before anything happens I fall into a deep sleep.
The next morning I awake to hear laughter of mother and a man. I look at the clock. It is 10:37. I get up and walk downstairs to find my mother and this stranger in the kitchen eating breakfast.
“There is someone I would like you to meet,” she says. I pretend I didn’t hear her and walk past them to the fridge. I pour myself a glass of milk and she says my name. “Brooke, don’t ignore me when I am talking to you,” she says. I look her in the eye and tilt my head. Then I ask, “So when’s the baby?” she looks at me in pure shock. The male stranger starts to fidget. She tells me that I am being disrespectful and rude. I drink my milk and go back to my room. I decide that I will go out today to get away from her.
I step into the shower and wash my hair. When I get out I go into my closet and put on my clothes. I’m wearing all black as usual. I put my dark brown into a ponytail. I put my boots on and go downstairs. My mother asks me where I am going. I reply, “around,” she tells me that unless I change my clothes I am not to go out. I walk out the front door and slam it behind me. What she says now has no effect on me whatsoever. I walk down the street and I have no clue as to where I am gonna go.
I quickly decide to go to the park next to the river as I see a taxi come near. I get in and tell the driver to take me there. When we arrive I pay him and get out. I look into the sky and see clouds forming. It seems, as though it is gonna rain. I lay on the top of a picnic table and close my eyes. I seem to lose all my senses because I do not feel it begin to rain. I lay their motionless. I hear someone running toward me. Then I hear a voice saying, “better get out of the rain…looks like a bad storm,” I ignore the voice. I make no movement to even acknowledge I even heard it. Then I hear it say, “hello? Are you alive?”
I open my eyes. It is a guy about my age. I see it is raining hard. I get up and quickly run to a nearby tree. He follows. I begin to be annoyed by this guy. I look at my clothes. I am soaked. I wring out my hair and lean up against the tree. He is still there. He then asks, “what are you doing out in the rain?” I reply, “wanted to get out of the house,”
“Problems at home?”
“That’s none of your concern.”
He stares. He is obviously not used to being shunned so hastily. I decide not to stand under the tree any longer. I started to walk away when he grabbed my arm. I roughly jerked it away. “What’s your problem?!” I yell at him.
“You’re the one who seems to have a problem!” he shouts back.
“I don’t even know you so fuck off! “
“Maybe I just wanted to get to know you…”
“And why would you want to do that? I’m a loser and a freak and it might hurt your reputation being seen talking to me in public.”
“Jeez sorry I even bothered you….its just that I’ve seen you around school and you seem interesting…”
“R-I-G-H-T….”
I walk away and leave him there. It is still pouring but I hardly feel it. When I get to the road I wait for a taxi but none stop. I decide to walk home. As I walk along the street I wonder about the guy. He did seem familiar but no names came to mind. Then I remember where I’ve seen him. Once when I was passing the skate park. He skateboards. He goes to my school? That’s where I get puzzled. Having never seen him at school.
I arrive home soaking wet. Mother looks at me with an exasperated look. Then she yells, “WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?!” I mutter a few words under my breath and start trudge up to my room but mother jerks me back by my arm. She looks me straight in the eye and tells me that I’m grounded. I laugh. She then tilts her head at me. She gets angrier that I find it amusing. She clenches my arm harder. Her manicured fingernails pierce into my skin. The pain gets more intense but I laugh more. She slaps me across the face harder then I can imagine. I can no longer feel the circulation in my arm. I am defenseless.
The phone rings.
She lets go and I fall to the ground. I quickly get up and run to my room. I slam and lock the door. I fall to the floor and begin to realize how scared I really am. I lay there for a couple minutes and the feel a shocking pain in my arm where she had grabbed me. I get up and go to my bathroom. I remove my shirt and examine my arm. There are four small wounds where her fingernails were. They bleed down my arm. I look inside the closet for the first aid kit. I wrap up my arm and tape it. I go back into my room and get dry clothes. I change. I’m scared to leave my room. I step out onto the balcony and wonder how badly I would get hurt if I jumped. It is the only way to escape.
Then I see mothers car leaving. I sigh in relief. I grab my book-bag and start stuffing my clothes in it. I empty my jar of money and count it. There is $67.83. I open the door of my room and peek out to make sure she is gone. I run down stairs and begin cramming all the food I can inside. I remember it is raining and run up to my room to grab a coat. I put my book bag on and run out the back door. Before I make out of the yard she is there. Mother yells, “And where do you think you going?”
I start to stutter, “I was j..j..j…just going for a..a… wa…wa…walk….”
“And why would you have your book-bag with you?” She grabs the bag and pours all the stuff on the ground.
“What’s all this?”
“Uhhhh….some stuff..”
“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?” She takes my clothes and the food and takes it inside and drags me along behind her by my wrist. Luckily for me she does not know where the money is. When we are inside she screams at me so loud I cannot understand most of what she is saying. I can see the anger and hatred in her eyes. I have pushed her too far. She slams me against the wall and bangs my head against it repeatedly. Each time I feel more and more lightheaded. My senses are numbed. I pass out unconscious.
When I awake I am on the floor where she left me. I look around and my head hurts badly. I can hardly move. I try to get up but I am weak. Eventually I am able. I stumble over to a nearby chair. I feel the back of my head where she hit it. I look at my hand and there is blood there. I look at the wall and see a large blotch of blood on it. There is also a stain on the carpet. I then remember mother. Where is she? But I am too weak to look for her. I make my way to the kitchen and get a pack of ice and a wet towel. I cannot make it up the stairs so I lay on the couch. I put another towel under the wet one to make sure I don’t get the couch wet or bloody.
I fall asleep quickly. When I wake it is the next day. Everything is untouched. Then here the sound of scrubbing. I guess it is mother cleaning the blood. I sit up and look around. It is she. My head hurts terribly. She realizes I am awake and comes over to me. She smiles and asks if I would like something to eat. I shake my head. She leaves. Moments later she Is back with some soup. She is acting overly nice. This is only the second time she has abused me with so much force. I have a feeling it isn’t the last. She smiles and tells me to eat. A take a couple bites the she leaves. I set the bowl on the coffee table and get on to go to the bathroom. When I see myself in the mirror I am frightened. My hair is matted with dried blood. My face is paler then usual. I have dark circles under my eyes. My knees feel weak and I almost fall. I lean on my arm but wince in pain from where she had grabbed me.
I sit on the toilet and unravel the bandages around my arm. It is blue and purple and the wounds are red and swollen. I rap it back up and wash my face. When I come out I begin to attempt to walk up to my room but mother forbids it. She tells me I’m much too weak. I protest and tell her I need to shower and bathe. She gives in and lets me go. It takes me almost 5 minutes but I make it. When I get to the top I am exhausted. I make my way to my room and into my bathroom. I turn on the water in the bathtub and fill it with bubbles. I undress and step in. The water feels good. I lay back and relax. I put my head under the water to wash my hair. The water turns red. The back of my head begins to sting. I wash it anyway ignoring the pain. I get out and dry off. I look at the bath water. It is a translucent red.
I get dressed and brush my hair. My head is sore. I look at a calendar and it says today is Sunday. I wonder how I will be able to go to school with these injuries. But I would rather go then stay home. I suddenly become tired and fall asleep on my bed.
The next day I wake up at 6:13. I begin to get dressed. I brush my hair and wash my face. I go downstairs. My head aches. When I get down I grab my stuff and walk out the door. Everything is back to normal. Mother is no longer being nice. I walk to school. When I get there my head is dizzy. I stumble as I get to my locker. I hear someone behind me and I turn around. It is the guy from the park. I am no longer dizzy but agitated. I roll my eyes and get the stuff from my locker. I slam the locker door shut and walk to my homeroom class. He follows. I turn around and say, “Can I help you?”
“Hopefully,”
“Well….?”
“What’s your name?”
“I’m gonna be late….bye…”
I walk away and sit down in my seat. He walked away. Why was he so interested in me? I think about as my teacher tells us about upcoming events at school. I admit he didn’t look half-bad. His hair was short brown. He had green eyes. He had a rough look to him.
Lunch comes finally. I go outside to eat. It is sunny. He comes and sits down next to. The only way to make him leave me alone is tell him what he wants to know and drive him away. He says hi and smiles. I look at him blankly.
“What exactly do you want from me? It has to be something? I know you don’t want to be my friend…did u lose a bet or something?” I question him.
“Why would you think that?”
“Because I know you seriously don’t want to be my friend.”
“That’s not true. You seem like you would have a lot of the same interests as me.”
“And why is that?”
“I don’t know…you just do.”
“Look, right now isn’t a good time. Maybe later we can talk or something…I gotta go.”
I walk back inside. I half expect him to follow. He doesn’t. Time for study hall. When I get there I do my algebra homework and think about the guy. I still don’t know his name. When I finish I pack up my stuff and go to the library. I decide to get on the internet and look up abuse accounts. I wonder if I told someone about mother if she would lie and get away and I would be in for it worse as I had read in many books. The bell rings before I can get anything done.
I get home and am scared of how mother is. I hope she is in a good mood and won’t mess with me. I hope that she won’t be abusive. I hope she won’t hurt me. I am scared. I walk in quietly. But I shut the door loudly. She hears me. She asks me to come into the living room. I come.
“There is something I want to make sure of.” She tells me.
“Yes?” I reply.
“What happened over the last couple of days…didn’t happen. You will tell no one. If I find out you do then not only will you be miserable for the rest of you life if you live that long I will make it where they think you are problemed delusional child who uses self inflicted pain to get others in trouble. I have it all figured out. No more smarting off to me. You will obey me.”
I nod. I am frightened but I do not show my fear. She sends me away now. I go to my room. I go to my bathroom and take some aspirin for my head. I lay on my bed and think about the guy. I know absolutely nothing about him and he knows the same about me and yet he wants to be my friend. I feel odd. I’m just not used to having friends. I don’t know what to do with myself. It is only 3:00 and I am scared to leave my room. I know mother won’t let me out of the house. I turn on my TV. I soon fall asleep. I awake to hear mother pounding on my door. I hurry out of bed and answer. She tells me to go make dinner for her. She is a different person. She has changed.
When I go downstairs I hear his voice. It’s the stranger again. I wince as I pass the spot of where the blood was only yesterday. He smiles at me and I look past him. He looks about the age of 45. Mother is only 29. Mother says, “This is Wilson.” I nod. Then I ask what she would like me to make. She has me mesmerized. I have no control over myself it seems. She tells me to make spaghetti.
After dinner she tells me to clean up their mess. I am no longer her daughter but her servant. I must obey to what she says. How could she do this over the short couple of days. I was fearless. I now am a coward. I clean up and she sends me to bed. I hear Wilson say how much more behaved I am now then a couple if days ago. I want to tell him how she was, what she did. But I can't. I go to my room and take a shower. Then I dress for bed. I get under the covers and close my eyes. For the first time that I can remember I start to cry. Not from the pain but from the emotion. I no longer have a mother. She is a master. This change was too fast. Too soon. I never remember her being abusive. Something’s changed her.
A couple days later it is. I am on my way to lunch and he ‘accidentally’ runs into me. He walks with me to lunch. I ask him his name. It is Jason. He sits with me at lunch and I find out he isn’t half bad. The day is Thursday. I ask for his phone number because I am afraid if he calls me mother will answer it and it won’t be good. He gives it to me. I plan on calling him later. I tell him I will try.
When I get home mother is in a good mood. She asks how my day was and I actually answer. I tell her is was a fairly good day. She smiles at me. its almost like old times. I am in a good mood too. I get a snack from the kitchen and go up to my room. I quickly do my homework and then I call Jason.
“Hello?” he says
“Hey its Brooke..” I reply
“Oh hey! I didn’t know if you would call or not…I almost thought it was a joke.”
“I’m not that mean….well…”
He laughs.
“Look I was wondering…” he says.
“Yes?”
“Maybe we could…uhhhh….do something this weekend….or something…”
“Sure…I will have to ask my mom first though,”
“Really?”
“I said yes didn’t I?”
“uh huh…I just didn’t think you would.”
I hear my mom calling me to make dinner. I tell Jason I have to go and we say our good-byes. I hang up. When I get downstairs she asks, “Whom were you talking to?”
“A guy from school….uhhhh I was wondering if I could go out this weekend,”
“With who?” she asks as she hands me a bag of chicken to make.
“Jason…a friend from school”
“A friend? I want to meet him first.”
She gives me the instructions on how to bake the chicken and goes into the living room to watch TV.
After dinner I call Jason back and tell him what mother said. I ask him to come over on Saturday around one and he can meet her and we can go do something. I hang up and go to take a shower. Then I hear someone at my door. I figure it is mother but when I answer it is Wilson. I have the sudden urge to stab him in the eye but control myself. He asks to come in. I nod my head. He sits on my desk and I stand across the room from him.
“I just want you to know that I really like your mother and I would like to see her more often. I don’t want you to have a problem with me though. I know you’re just insecure. I know how it feels.”
I nod.
“I have to go to bed.”
I open the door as a cue for him to leave. He pats me on the head as he leaves. I close the door and lock it behind him. Then I get in bed a go under the covers. I fall asleep quickly.
Saturday is finally here. I didn’t see Jason yesterday as I had hoped. I get up and shower. When I get out, I brush my hair. I wince as I brush over the spot where my head was hit. I put it up in a ponytail and get dressed. I run downstairs and hear mother on the phone. It is Wilson. I almost gag. When she finally hangs up I tell her Jason is coming by around one. She nods. I go into the kitchen and grab a poptart.
At 1:07 I hear I doorbell ring. I yell to mother that I will get it. I answer the door and Jason is there. I invite him in and I call for mother. She hurries and smiles at him. He holds out his hand to shake hers. She shakes it. I introduce them. She asks where we are going. I tell her were not sure. She smiles and tells us to have fun. I know she is putting on an act. She is afraid I will tell him or he knows.
I get into his car and he starts it. He asks, “Where too?” I tell him I don’t know. It looks as though it is going to rain. I ask him if we can go to the park. I like the park. We get there and we walk down the sidewalk. We talk about everything. I tell him about my life. I just leave out those few details.
Then he begins to tell me about his life.
“I was born in New York and moved her a few months ago. I lived with my mother and father until I was seven and then my dad passed away. Then I lived with my mother. It was all right for a while then she started abusing me. It was small things at first and I thought it would pass. But it didn’t. it only got worse.”
I start to twitch. I am also in shock. He is like me. He feels my pain only worse. We have something in common. Something deeper then likes and dislikes. I am no longer paying attention to what he is saying. I am pondering on wiether I should tell him or not. I want to, but I am scared of mother. I am afraid she will find out. I hear my name being called. I can't decide what to do. He calls my name again and I snap out of it.
“Are you ok?”
“Yeah; yeah…I'm fine…”
I look at the ground. I am at a loss at what to do. I'm confused and I don’t know how to react. I want to tell him truly and deeply. I am too frightened. Without my consent tears come to my eyes. Now I can see the confusion on his face. I start to sob and we sit at a nearby bench. He now knows something is up. I have no choice. I spill out everything.
When I am done I can see the pure shock on his face. He puts his arms around me and tries to comfort me. I then feel foolish, considering he's been through more then me. I am just in shock from the past week. I look up at him and he wipes a stray tear from my cheek. I can see the understanding in his eyes. He holds my chin up and kisses me softly. I forget everything at once. Having never had anyone feel this way about me before, I am happy. For those few moments there was nothing that could have ruined it.
He then says, “I don’t understand though…she seemed almost perfect.” I shrug. She did seem perfect when he met her and I knew it was an act. I then begin to worry about if she finds out about this. What if she knows I told him when I return? I start to shake in anxiety. He holds me in his arms and I feel overwhelmed and exhausted. He tells me that I should return home and get rest. When I get up I feel lightheaded and it goes black.
I hear my name called. When my eyes open I see his face. I am in the park. He is kneeling beside me. I blink a few times and he picks me up. He carries me to his car and then lets me down. I can stand by then but he is there to make sure. When I get into the car I feel a painful, throb in the back of my head. I realize I must have fallen on the spot where mother had hit it against the wall. I lean back and rest my eyes and try to drown the pain out.
I am home and he walks me to the door. He asks if I will be ok and I assure him I will. I go inside and close the door behind me. it is time to act. I put on a smile to hide what has happened. Mother yells, “BROOKE, IS THAT YOU? GET IN HERE NOW!”
I walk into the living room assuming that is where she is. She looks angry. Could she know? I look at her with joyous eyes to hide everything. She gets up and comes toward me. I back away cautiously, but she jerks me back by my arm.
“What did you tell that boy?!”
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t play dumb with me missy…I know what you are up to!”
“I haven’t told him anything! I swear…”
“I don’t want you to see him again…if you haven’t already, you will break down. You are weak.”
She finally lets go of my arm and I run upstairs. The only happiness in my life has been taken away before I can enjoy it. I lay on my bed and think about everything. I think about the coincidence. How odd of him to be going through the same thing. And then for him to come up to me….me…like he did. The tears start to come again. But from the exhaustion I fall asleep before I can do anything.
I wake up to the pounding of my door. I open it and mother is there. She orders me to get dressed because I am to clean today. I close the door when she leaves and realize my throbbing headache. I quickly dress and go downstairs. She hands me a list of chores as she runs out the door. She says she will be back around 6 and dinner better be ready and the chores better be done. The list isn’t too long but I am not sure if I will be able to finish.
Around 12:30 I take a break to get something to eat and the phone rings. I answer.
“Hello?”
“Hey…” its Jason.
“Oh hey!”
“I wanted to find out how things went with your mom last night.”
“Well…. Not as I had hoped…but I guess I can survive…”
“I'm sorry…. Maybe we shouldn’t have gone out. If I would have known I wouldn’t have asked…I'm sorry…”
“Really…its okay…I will be fine…I just have to do a bunch of house work today. I'm making lunch right now.”
“Well I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I guess I will let you eat your lunch and finish your work. Hopefully see you tomorrow.”
“Bye.” I hang up the phone quickly. I start to think of what mother had said only the night before…. That I couldn’t see him again. I wonder if she is serious. I finally find someone I like. A friend. But she can't handle that. I though she wanted me to have friends. I guess I was wrong.
I finally finish with the long list of chores mother had given me. I go upstairs and soak in a long hot bath. I hear her come in and call my name. I quickly get out and rap a towel around me and go see what she wants. I hear her cussing and ranting about something. I start to shake and become frightened. I wonder what could have I possibly done wrong this time. I keep to myself most of the time and I try to do as she asks.
I get downstairs and she glares at me. I get more frightened. She then says, “Where the hell is my dinner?”
“I didn’t know you wanted me to make any… and I don’t know what you want.” I reply calmly.
“BULLSHIT!!”
She hits me across the face roughly and I almost fall. When I gain my balance she hits me again. This time I fall to the ground. She starts to kick me in the ribs repeatedly. She finally stops and I can hardly breathe. I don’t think I can take much more of this. She yells at me to start dinner. I get up slowly and stumble to the kitchen. My ribs feel like they are on fire. I start getting out pans when I see a large knife. So many thoughts run through my head. I slowly pick it up and run my hand across the metal. I turn around with the knife still in my hand. I walk quietly into the living room where mother is watching TV.
I grip the knife tightly in my right hand. She turns around and sees me standing there.
“What the…?”
She comes toward me quickly and starts to choke me. I use the knife and stab her in the stomach. Her hands immediately drop from my neck t o her stomach. She then drops to her knees and falls on the ground. She is now lying there motionless. I'm breathing heavily and my heart is beating. Sweat starts to drip down my face. I notice I am still holding the knife. Blood is dripping off of it. I go into the kitchen and wash it off. I then wipe my fingerprints off the handle.
I have no clue what to do. I decide to go back to see if she is dead. I check her pulse and there is nothing. A pool of blood is now forming. I start to cry, Not from the death of mother but from fear. I look down and see there is blood all over my clothes.
I pick up the phone, my hand shaking, I dial Jason’s number.
“Hello?” he answers.
“I killed her…” I break into sobs.
“What?! Who?!”
“My mother… oh my god.”
“Uh hold on I will be right over!” he hangs up.
I am sitting at the bottom of the stairs crying when he arrives. He sits next to me and puts his arms around me. I cry on his shoulder. He lifts my chin up and kisses my lips softly. He then wipes the tears from my face.
“What am I gonna do?” I ask.
“I guess we will have to get out of here.. and fast…”
“No you shouldn’t come… I don’t want you to get in trouble if I get caught.”
“I couldn’t let you go alone. There’s no way you can talk me out of it.”
I look at him with skeptical eyes. I think to myself, he hardly knows me but he is willing to do this? I get up and walk up to my room. My hands are shaking as I quickly gather some clothes and a few belongings. I stuff them in my book bag and run down to the kitchen to get food. I stuff as much as I can in there. I see mother’s purse on the counter. I look in her wallet and find $70. I stuff it in my book bag too.
“We could get bus tickets to New York. I have relatives up there.” Jason tells me. I nod my head in agreement. We walk outside and get into his car.
“Wait… if we go to the bus station do we just leave your car there? Wouldn’t they know?” I ask.
“Good question… maybe we should drop my car off in the parking lot of the airport and then take a taxi to the bus station.” He replies.
“Ok.”
He drives to the airport just as he had said. We get a taxi and go to the bus station. I pay the taxi driver then go inside. I purchase the tickets to New York City.
When we arrive in New York my legs feel numb. I stumble off the bus half-asleep. I feel Jason grab my arm to help me balance. We are in New York City. I have no clue where to go. Jason pulls me along behind him. He hails a taxi and we get in. He tells them an address to an apartment complex.
“I'm not sure your family will appreciate us barging in on them..” I said to him.
“I don’t think they will mind.” He replied.
“You probably should have called..”
We go to the second floor to apartment number 103. He knocks on the door. An elderly woman answers.
“Jason! How nice to see you! Come in! Come in! Who’s your friend?”
“Uhh… hi gram... this is Brooke,” he says gesturing to me.
“What are you doing here?” she says enthusiastically, “Nobody called to tell me you were coming!”
“Well I wasn’t really planning on it but we needed a vacation.”
The apartment was actually fairly big. There were 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. The living room was painted a pale pink color and the living room set was dark maroon velvet.
“The two guest rooms are at the far end of the hall.” She says as she points toward the hall. I follow him down the hall and he takes the room on the left and I take the room on the right. When I walk in I see a large window with sunlight pouring in. The walls are painted pale yellow and there is a large canapé bed with a thick yellow and white quilt. I set my book bag on the ground and fall backward on to the bed. Within seconds I fall asleep.
I awake and look at the clock. It is 10 in the morning. I wonder how I could sleep so late after going to bed so early. I close the door and change clothes. Maybe I could go out and see the town today? But then I might be seen. Jason’s grandmother didn’t have a TV in the apartment so she would most likely not hear about it but I'm sure everyone else in the city has. I begin to think… do I really wanna hide out all the time forever? I will wade it out for a few days and see how everything goes I say to myself.
I open the door and I see Jason sitting in the living room. I walk toward the couch and sit next to him. His grandmother nowhere in sight.
“Gram went to the store to buy groceries.” He tells me
I nod. He picks up a newspaper and begins to read. He freezes all of a sudden. He doesn’t have to say anything. I already know. It’s me. Its mother. The murder. I grab the newspaper from him and read the article. It takes up half the page and my picture is included. Great. I wont be able to go in public ever again. I feel a headache start to come. I heave a deep sigh and lay my head on Jason’s shoulder.
“I think I'm gonna turn myself in…” I say.
“WHAT?! AFTER ALL THIS?!” he yells.
“Hey! Don’t you dare snap at me like that! I told you that you didn’t have to help me… that was your decision…I don’t wanna be here and cooped up in someone I don’t even knows apartment for god knows how long! I wont ever be able to go anywhere again!”
“Well if you turn yourself in your gonna end up in jail or in a nut house! Do you think that’s any better?”
“That doesn’t mean I won’t get out eventually! The sooner I turn myself in the sooner I will get out! I won’t even say anything about you! You won’t get in trouble for anything!”
“I can't believe you! After all of this… traveling all the way from Kentucky to New York! And soon as we get here you wanna turn yourself in? Maybe you really are insane!”
“Oh fuck off…I knew the first time I talked to you I shouldn’t have even responded to you. I knew it…well have a good life asshole…”
I quickly get up and run out the front door. Tears start to run down my cheeks as I run down the stairs and into the lobby. I can hear him behind me calling my name. I run outside and quickly run across the street dodging the cars. He calls my name one last time. I then hear a bus horn and squealing tires. I don’t have to turn around to know what happened. Tears burn my eyes and a lump forms in my throat. I slowly turn around with my eyes closed. When I opened them the site is horrible.
A pool of blood was forming around him. A bus had hit him. I run over to him the tears streaming down my face. I fall to the ground next to him sobbing. I hear the sirens of the ambulance. The paramedics come over. He is pronounced dead. I break down and cannot move. Before they take his body I kiss his lips and taste his blood.
I am still on the ground when they put his body in the ambulance and the fire department comes to clean up the accident. I have his blood all over my clothes. I have murdered two now. But he cared for me. Even after knowing him only a little while I always felt a connection.
I wonder if his grandmother knows. I walk back into the apartment complex covered in blood. I go back up to her apartment and the door is left open where he had followed me. And I begin to cry more remembering my last words to him. “Oh fuck off…I knew the first time I talked to you I shouldn’t have even responded to you. I knew it…well have a good life asshole…”
Now his life was over. And because of me. I walk into his grandmother’s kitchen. I open a few drawers until I find the silverware. I choose a knife much like the one I used on mother. I close my eyes and say a prayer. And then with tears still streaming down my face I cut my wrists and watch the blood pour out all over the linoleum floor until I black out.


©Meg@Peachy-insanity