Tips for Childrearing

 

By Ibrahim Bowers

 

"Don't touch those!" the father commands as his child plays with the dishes on a shelf at his host's house. A few seconds later, the father looks up from his conversation with his host, and his child is still playing with the dishes. "I told you not to touch those!" the child's father repeats. A few seconds later, the father looks up and sees his child still playing with the dishes. The father says nothing and continues his conversation with the host.

 

It happens all the time. Children are given orders, and when they don't obey, the parent simply goes back to his conversation and forgets.  What should parents do in this situation? Some parents would say that we should stop the child, others that we should punish him and others that he is "just a child," and we should not expect too much from him. As Muslim parents, we have an obligation to bring up our children in the best manner---to teach them right from wrong and to show them what we and society expect from them.

      The following principles should be useful in establishing a childrearing method that is not too extreme:

 

Start Early

Although many parents believe that very small children are too young to understand, their early years are probably the most important opportunity for parents to start them in the right direction. Once good patterns are established, they will be easy to maintain.  Once bad patterns are established, they will be difficult to change.

 

Have your Emotions

Under Control while Instructing Children

 Don't discipline your child because you are angry with him, but rather because you want to teach him. Motive is important here.

 

Parents should Present a United Front

 Parents should discuss their strategy for training and disciplining their children and agree to work together as a team. If children realize that one parent is strict and the other is easy, they will play the parents against each other. When the strict parent stops them from doing something, they will go ask the easy parent for permission. Both parents need to tell the child the same thing. If parents sometimes disagree on how to discipline the child, they should discuss it privately, not in front of the children.

Be Consistent

 Most experts on children agree that parents should be consistent. Constantly changing the rules and expectations will only confuse your child. If you stop him from writing on the walls today, and  allow him to write on the walls tomorrow, he will not understand when you get angry the next time he writes on the walls. If you inconsistently apply the rules, he will also test you at times to see whether you are going to be tough this time or easy. If, however, he knows from experience that you always stop him the first time, he will quickly learn it does no good to try to get away with something.

 

Never Lie to your Children

 If you lie to them "every now and then," they may not believe you when you tell them the truth. This also applies to those situations when you tell your child to stop doing something, or you will put him in his room, or take away his toys. If you make that kind of a threat, you must stick with it. Otherwise, you have lied, and your child will not know when you are serious and when you are not. He will then be forced to test you again and again to see.

 

Don't Reward Crying

If children realize that every time they cry, they get what they want, crying will become like money for them. Every time they want something, they will cry. On the other hand, if you teach them that crying doesn't get them anything, they will stop crying for things. Let them cry and cry and cry, but don't give in. In the beginning, it will be difficult, but be patient. Once they learn the lesson and stop crying for everything, you will be happy that you were firm. You can either listen to crying for a few days or for the rest of your life. It's your choice.

 

Teach Your Child

To Apologize When he/she Does Something Wrong

This is important so that he will learn what is expected of him from others and from Allah (SWT). If he does something wrong, he should ask forgiveness from Allah (SWT) and apologize to any people who were hurt by his words or actions. This will be useful in developing his conscience.

 

Accept Your Child's Apology

 Be quick to excuse your child when he apologizes and shows that he is sorry for his disobedience or bad actions. When we do wrong, we seek forgiveness from Allah (SWT) and want to be excused. Likewise, we should excuse others. This will develop in your child a sense of mercy and prepare him for an understanding of the forgiveness of Allah (SWT). Always make it clear to the child that you love him, especially after he has been in trouble and apologized.

 

Apologize For Your Mistakes

 Don't be too proud to apologize to your child when you make mistakes. This will establish in him a belief in your sense of justice and prevent him from viewing you as nothing but a tyrant.

 

Teach Islam From an Early Age

Teach your child from an early age about Allah, the Prophets, the Sahaba, and the great heroes of Islam. If we develop in them a love for Islam and provide them with righteous examples for their heroes, they will be much less likely to go astray and they will develop a brave character. A person wants to be like his heroes. If he admires Prophet Muhammad, Abu Bakr, and Ali, he will try to follow their example. If he admires a rock star or a gang leader, he will want to be like them.

 

Instruct in Good Morals

Teach your child good morals and good manners.

 

Discipline Your Child

 Discipline should not become the domain of one parent. Mothers and fathers should both participate in the disciplining of their children. Mothers should not threaten their children by telling them that they will get into trouble when their father gets home. Discipline should be carried out immediately after the disobedience occurs so that the child will connect the disobedience with its consequences. If parents wait until later, the child may have forgotten why he got into trouble, and feel that the parents are not justified in disciplining him.

(1)   Putting your child in the bedroom. When the child is disobeying he should first be warned that you are going to put him in the bedroom if he doesn't obey. If he continues to disobey, take him to the room immediately. Do not keep repeating warnings. For smaller children, you will probably have to sit in the room with them; for older children, they can sit alone. If they are crying or yelling, don't let them come out until they stop. Also, teach them that they need to apologize before you let them out. If they apologize, show your happiness and quick acceptance. For those children who whine and cry for everything, it is good to teach them that they will be sent to the bedroom when they whine and cry. They should not be allowed to whine and cry in the living room where they will disturb others.

(2)   Showing your disappointment. If you have established a good relationship with your child,

       disappointment with him will have a great impact on him. .

(3)   Withholding privileges. Not letting the child go out to play, ride  his bicycle, or use his skates, for  example. Threats to do this are useful only if the child believes you.

(4)   Giving rewards. These could be compliments, sweets, toys, or anything else that your child likes.  Two

        words of caution, however. First, rewards should not become bribes. You should not tell your child, "If you obey me, I will take you for ice cream." Rewards should be spontaneous on your part to show your appreciation for your child's actions. They should not be expected by the child. You should say,"Since you have been such a good boy today, I'm going to take you for ice cream." Second, you should be careful that your relationship with your child does not become a marketplace where he expects to get a reward from you for everything he does.You should, however, teach him that even though he doesn't always receive a reward from you for his good actions, he might receive one from Allah (SWT).

 

Give Your Child Responsibilities

Give your child meaningful tasks to show them that they are accountable.

 

Allow Them To Make Decisions

Even if your child's decisions are occasionally wrong, allowing him to make his own decisions will teach him good judgement and instill in him his self-esteem.

 

Let Them Express Their Feelings

It is very important that your child learns to express his own feelings but it is much MORE Important that you LISTEN to them, creating an atmosphere of humor and warmth between you.