WHAT HAPPENED?
(Received from BROOKSBY1 via GCFL)
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his
house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas,
playing in the mud with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all
around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was
the front door to the house.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had
been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In
the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the
family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In
the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on
the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay
under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of
clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that
something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the
bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She
looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home
from work and ask me what in the world I did today?"
"Yes" was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
THE FAITH OF A CHILD
(Received from Joe Sitton)
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she
could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she
prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"
As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell,
getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed
herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again
began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!...But don't
shove me either."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy's prayer: "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my
mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please
take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna
be in a big mess."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while
he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and
then said a prayer.
"Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not
misbehave, He will help you."
"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I
asked Him to help you put up with me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his
students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the
Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they
understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real. He asked his
class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I
know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for
a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long
seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he
knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets
up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still
in there?!"
LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE
(Received from Tim Davis' CleanLaugh)
One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old,
tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his
collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into
the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in
a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and
slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I
pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my
house for a nap. "
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his
collar: "He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to catch
up on his sleep."
A GRIN STARTER
(Received from Sunday Funnies - Net153)
In a country home that seldom had guests, the young son was eager to
help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from
the office. When the dinner was nearly over, the boy went to the
kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving
it to his father, who passed it to a guest. The boy came in with a
second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a
guest. This was too much for the boy, who said, "It's no use, Dad.
The pieces are all the same size."
THE FUNDAMENTALS
(Received from Deborah Hartzell - 1GodPrayerChain)
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an
equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a
kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they
liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he
did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he
complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were
impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new
fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called in the dog and
showed off a little.
The friends were impressed and asked whether the dog was able to do
any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold,
as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.
Well, they said. "Let's try this out." Once more they called the
dog
and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's
forehead, closed his eyes in concentration and bowed his head.
SWEET, BUT LOUD VOICES
(Received from DJ Rivet - AGiftfromGod)
Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice can be heard over the voices of
hundreds of adults? Let me illustrate. Several years ago, I
returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing
thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2
a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently
scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest
bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and
explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad,
but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that
night. They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked
me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was
late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's
arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their
arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me,
and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"
Alex shouted, "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!"
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked
at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to
see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
THE PERFECT SALES PITCH
(Received from Net153)
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised
new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI
Insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman
Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never
happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the
back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits,
and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are
killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If
you don't have GI Insurance, and you go into battle and get killed,
the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000." "Now",
he
concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into
battle first?"
THE PAINTERS
(Received from Robert Havens -LCNMfellowship)
Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn
some extra money. To start their business they asked the priest of
the local church if he would be interested in their service. He
agreed and the men went out to buy the paint.
As they were preparing to paint the pastor's house, one of them
struck upon the idea of mixing the paint with half water to increase
their profits. They agreed and painted the house with the "watered
down" paint. When they finished the job they called the priest
outside to look at their work. "It looks wonderful," said the priest.
As he started to hand them the check a small rain cloud appeared.
All at once there was lightning and thunder and the area around the
church was drenched with rain. As the rain hit the pastor's
residence, the paint started running.
The men, realizing their scheme was exposed, apologized to the pastor
and asked what they could do to make it up to him. Before the pastor
could reply, a voice from heaven said . . . "Repaint and thin no
more."
REALITY AND THE RED SEA
(Jim & Katie Laughlin -LCNMfellowship)
A boy was sitting on a park bench with one hand resting on an open
Bible. He was loudly exclaiming his praise to God. "Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! God is great!" he yelled without worrying whether anyone
heard him or not. Shortly, along came a man who had recently
completed some studies at a local university. Feeling himself very
enlightened in the ways of truth and very eager to show this
enlightenment, he asked the boy about the source of his joy.
"Hey" asked the boy in return with a bright laugh, "Don't you
have
any idea what God is able to do? I just read that God opened up the
waves of the Red Sea and led the whole nation of Israel right through
the middle."
The enlightened man laughed lightly, sat down next to the boy and
began to try to open his eyes to the "realities" of the miracles of
the Bible. "That can all be very easily explained. Modern
scholarship has shown that the Red Sea in that area was only 10-
inches deep at that time. It was no problem for the Israelites to
wade across."
The boy was stumped. His eyes wandered from the man back to the Bible
laying open in his lap. The man, content that he had enlightened a
poor, naive young person to the finer points of scientific insight,
turned to go. Scarcely had he taken two steps when the boy began to
rejoice and praise louder than before. The man turned to ask the
reason for this resumed jubilation.
"Wow!" exclaimed the boy happily, "God is greater than I thought!
Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the Red Sea,
He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in 10-inches of
water!"
________________________________________________
Copyright © 1998 - 2001 by Stephen J. Hall
- Weekly letters of
encouragement to Christians written by Stephen J. Hall unless
otherwise indicated. Notes from the Valley and Humor from the Valley
are meant to brighten your day and encourage you along the way.
Most of "Notes" and "Humor" are a collection of items
provided to me
by subscribers and friends. Credit is given to both the contributor
and to the true author, where known. If you are blessed by them,
please feel free to make copies and pass them along to others. If
you have something you'd like to contribute to a future edition, or
any questions or comments, please contact us at:
Strong Young Man
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that
he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making
fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had
enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I
will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that
building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he
turned to the young man and said, "Alright. Get in."
Speeding Farmer
After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started
to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know
any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally
started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing
around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies
there are ya?"
The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's
what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."
The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on
farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling
the back end of a horse."
The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying
to call me a horse's behind?"
"Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect
for law enforcement and police officers for that."
"That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to
writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies,
though."
Church Service
One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the
large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names
and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this?
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the
service," the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the
memorial plaque.
Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"
Police Station Trip
Little Joe's kindergarten class took a field trip to the local
police station and saw the pictures on the bulletin board of the 10 most wanted
criminals. One young lad pointed to a photo and asked if it was really a wanted
criminal.
"Yes," a policeman explained. "The detectives want very much to
catch that bad man."
Joe piped up. "Why didn't you just keep him when you took his picture?
