11-30-02
Wow, I have been busy. The holidays are here once again. Seems they come faster every year. The kids were here last Saturday night and helped me decorate the Christmas tree. It is beautiful. We listened to Carols, drunk egg nog, and regained the Christmas Spirit. Last year was the bluest Christmas of my life, so in contrast to that, I will try to make this one the brightest ever. Sure, I still miss Mom. But I remember how well she loved Christmas, so I plan to start carrying on her tradition of the love and cheer she spread throught the holiday season. I could never be the woman she was, but she taught us all a lot about the joy of giving.
I fixed my traditional Thanksgiving dinner, and traditionally ate too much. We have had a wonderul Thanksgiving weekend so far. I say we because I spent it with my ex and the kids. Then, I went back over yesterday evening and he & I curled up together and watched movies most of the night. It's amazing how well we get along now that we don't live together. LOL! I am starting to think that I just prefer living alone to living with anyone else in this world. I am LOVING living alone! Sure, it has it's cold moments. Like the two weeks that my heater was broked. Brrrr! But for the most part, I love it. I come and go as I please. Nobody else in the house to wake if I decide to stay up all night, turn the music up, etc. AND nobody else in the house to disturb me when it is my time to rest. Selfish? Perhaps. Maybe it was time for me to be a little selfish. That was another thing I've done lately for the first time in my life. OOPS! Did I say another thing? Well, I WAS a child bride and had never tried my wings. Now, I have settled in, got to know myself better, and believe it or not, I like myself pretty good. I've made my share of mistakes, as we all have. But I have allowed myself the luxury of learning from them.
As for my "love life", I have learned that I was using it as a crutch. If you keep your focus on someone else, you don't have to look at yourself. I'm in no big rush to be involved with any man. They are all good, in their place. It just happens that none has a place with me at this time in my life. Whatever will be, will be. Passion? I am passionate about a good Christmas right now. Romance? To me, relaxing with candles and soft music, being at peace with the universe is romantic.
At work, everything is pretty much the same old, same old. I don't sweat it anymore. After all, I am an hourly employee there, and as long as I do what I am told, and they send my paycheck, that's all of it. But I wish they had NOT given me the raise that they did. It was a slap in the face that they really should have kept. I simply considered the source.
Well, gotta get busy. Need to tidy up in here a bit. All this R&R is showing on my environment. Take
care.
12-03-02
Looks as though I am getting back into my writing. I'm glad, because it means my jangled nerves have calmed down a lot. I worked yesterday and have today off. I guess I'll have to work several days starting tomorrow to make up for all this R&R, but it is worth it. I was exhausted and didn't realize it. Been doing a lot of online Christmas shopping with my "down time" or I would have probably already used up all of my space here writing.
It is a beautiful sunny day, but cold. I bought a few more Christmas decorations yesterday on my way home. I'll be putting them up today after I insulate a couple more windows. This is a nice little house, but the windows are old and drafty. Been covering them with plastic and have 8 out of 13 done. That will help keep the heating bills down, as the coldest months here are yet to come. I plan to do some more Christmas shopping today, too. I love the luxury of doing it in my robe. LOL! Hopefully, online shopping cuts down on high volume traffic and accidents. I KNOW it cuts down on my holiday exhaustion. Guess I'd best get off here for now & get those windows done. Back to work tomorrow. Take care.
12-20-02
Just thought I'd pop in here. Been busy getting ready for the holidays. We all decided to have Christmas dinner at my son's house. Seemed the logical solution, since there are no hard feelings.
I will be going Christmas shopping with my son this evening. We have a tradition of one shopping day out together before Christmas, and we ALWAYS have a lot of fun, and end up buying very little. LOL. But he always gets his wife's gift on this trip. Our schedules conflicted this year, so we don't get a full day. But he get's off work early today, and it's my day off.
I've been really trying extra hard to make this a good Christmas. But in my heart, there is really something missing this year. More than one thing. Mom is one, of course. This is something I have to learn to live with. I suppose time will take care of the other thing; or replace it. Let's face it. It's a sad time of year when you aren't with the one you love. But I know I can not be. This is either too much information or not enough. Either way, I have a lot to do today. At least I don't have time to get lonely! LOL. I think I'll pop in a Christmas CD and get my chores done before time to go shopping. Take care, and if I don't get back before then, MERRY CHRISTMAS!
12-27-02(Holiday Blues)
Christmas has came & gone once more. I DID meet with my family Christmas Day and we had a delicious feast. The kids seemed SO happy on their first Christmas as a married couple. I think it will last forever, too. Just as I fear the Christmas blues once a year will last forever for me. We make choices early in life that form the remainder of our time on this earth. After this Christmas, I am finally beginning to accept that. Who or how we love has very little to do with anything after we have made commitments. Perhaps my son watched the life that his dad & I created together and determined his would be better. I like to think something good has come from my poor decisions. Either way, I am about ready to return to the bed of nails I made, and lie in it, accepting the responsability of my actions. I think I waited too late in life to turn things around. But I have become used to living alone and doing things my way for the first time. It will not be easy. "My way" has been using such poor judgement that my back is to the wall. Was it really that bad, living under someone else's roof? Either way, a working woman in the south doesn't have many options. I have stayed in the same line of work for 13 years, so if I'm still not making enough to go it alone, I never will. I doubt seriously that any man in the south could ever make that statement. Only the most unreliable employee among men could stay in an occupation as long as I have and find himself as financially insecure as I am. He would also have to be of a minority race. Or perhaps it is only my chosen proffesion, but I doubt it. If I were'nt so high maintnance, I could make it. Or if I'd drop my morals a few spaces and be willing to be a user of the opposite sex. But as hard as this system may push me, I'm no prostitute. Or is that what I'm considering, in a sense? My dad used to say "All women are hookers, in one way or another. Some have several men, while others hook one man for life and bleed him dry". He said this jokingly, but the truth of it is the irony. I guess it is simply survival. I work with someone who has a husband and a boyfriend who know about each other. At first, I thought, how awful! But neither of these men have had to walk one mile in her little shoes. Could she make it on her own, if she walked away from both? No. She would find herself cold and hungry. Or at least doing without many of the things that her husband has helped her to become accustomed to. In our society, a woman without an extensive education has only options that aren't moralistic. The "Be true to your heart" that we teach our daughters is a fairy tale, as false as Santa. But while weighing it all out, I HAVE come to one conclusion: I WILL NOT live with a man and compromise my way of living, and work outside the home, too. I tried that for many years, and became the manic wreck that I was when I first moved into this house. It has taken me six months to calm down enough to see the big picture. So if I return to sharing an abode, I will go as a "housewife". Financial security? I work everyday, and don't have that. I wouldn't be giving anything up there except exhaustion.
Time to get off here and tidy up my domain. Back to work in the morning. Take care, and "Be true to your survival".
01-01-01
Happy New Year! Time for me to create another page, as this one is full. I believe writing will help calm my jangled nerves tonight. Reading what I have written lately, along with good advice from caring friends, has made me want to put things into perspective. Time for true confessions from the soul.
(Moved my site, then moved back to angelfire-wishy washy me!)
