Carl's Million Dollar Idea
It's pretty simple. The American dream is to be rich and famous, and to enjoy the fruits of being rich and famous. And although Hollywood leads us to believe that everyone will be happy, rich, and will be married to the pretty girl, we know that just isn't true.
Unless you're me. You see, while you sit on your couch watching television dreaming about being rich and famous, dreaming about being adored by millions of people all over the world, dreaming of being on the machine you spend countless hours watching, and dreaming about marrying your dream girl, I am actually doing something about it. I'm always thinking. I've figured out that becoming rich and famous isn't that hard, you just have to have that certain something that sets you apart from the commoners. My certain something is of course my unbelieveable intelligence, my incredible sense of humor, and my wit. Using those traits, I have now come up with a bona fide idea that will certainly make me millions, and will make me a celebrity. And now I present to you...
THE IDEA
Everyone can agree that you don't need a lot of talent to necessarily sell a lot of records. N'Sync, Limp Bizkit, Vanilla Ice, and countless others prove that theory. But what those people lack in actual talent, they make up for it in other areas, be it their looks, their dancing ability, and whathaveyou. I'll be the first to admit that I have zero musical ability. But I don't need it. My idea is so brilliant that the actual music is a moot point. My idea is controversy. Forget about the music, but focus on what the music says. If it says something that will make the morally uptight political leaders nervous, it's guaranteed to sell. And selling records = money and fame.
But what is controversial nowadays? The envelope has seemingly been pushed to its limits already, and there's nothing left to do that will upset people. Bullshit! There are plenty of ways to upset people, you just aren't trying hard enough. Almost every group has been offended throughout history because of a certain band or a certain song. But my idea goes beyond just offending one group. No, my idea is to offend every single group out there with 1 record. Think about it. Eminem is offending the gays with his homophobic songs, and it's caused his record sales to go through the roof. Imagine if Eminem had taken the time to offend another group on the same record. Then using logic, his record sales would have doubled! Which means a lot more money! But it's too late for Eminem, he dropped the ball, and I'm prepared to pick it up! I now present to you, due for release sometime in the future, my debut record, People Are Fags.
Notice how I didn't waste any time in offending people. Why make people listen to the actual record before offending them, I say offend them right off the bat with the album title. It's so simple. But the controversy doesn't end there. Each song is specifically targeted to a certain group that is sure to take offense against my hate music. Here is the track listing.
1. Red Heads Are Weird And They Should Be Left Out In The Sun
2. Hey Negro, I Have Some Cotton For You To Pick
3. Hey You Irish Piece Of Shit, Put Down That Beer And Suck My Cock!
4. Why Stop At Hiroshima And Nagasaki? Nuke The Rest Of Japan
5. Hey Lady, Why Do You Have A Job When You Could Be Making Meatloaf Right Now?
6. Ain't Nothing Better Than Beating A White Boy
7. The Only Thing More Yellow Than A Frenchman Is The Urine I Use When I Piss On A Cowardly Frenchman's Grave
8. Hey You Arabs, Since You're Already On Your Knees Praying To Allah, Why Don't You Make Yourself Useful And Do Something Else That Requires You To Be On Your Knees
9. People Who Claim To Be Liberals Or Conservatives Should Be Thrown Into A Volcano
10. Jews May Have All The Money, But All The Money In The World Won't Be Enough To Change The Fact That They Are Jewish
11. Maybe British People Wouldn't Talk So Funny If They Practiced Good Dental Hygiene
12. Nothing To Do? Kill An Indian Savage
13. Hey You Lazy Mexican, Quit Napping And Mow My Lawn
14. If You're A Foreigner, You Should Be Beaten. And If You're An American, You Should Be Beaten Too.
Wow, I can already see Bill O'Reilly fussing over my album instead of covering important news. Now I know you're thinking that I may have the clever titles, but what about the actual songs? That's the easy part. One doesn't need to be a talented poet or musician to come up with lyrics. Just take a look at some sample lyrics from "Hey You Lazy Mexican, Quit Napping And Mow My Lawn".
Hey Pedro, why don't you drop that tequila
With my Mac 10 and my baseball bat, I'm gonna beat ya!
So after I beat the shit out of 'til the break of dawn
Get off your lazy ass and mow my motherfuckin' lawn!
I can already see the Grammy headed my way. Here's another sampling of lyrics, this one from "The Only Thing More Yellow Than A Frenchman Is The Urine I Use When I Piss On A Cowardly Frenchman's Grave".
Yo France, you think you're clean, you think you're fresh?
Well let me give you a rundown of you're military tests.
Hundred Year War, Napoleonic Wars, World War I, World War II
There was only one country who lost those wars, and that country is you!
You get the point. I have lyrics for all those tracks, now all I need to do is to find some producer who can supply the backround music, or the beats if you will. Since you've now discovered my brilliant plan, you'll know why in about 3 years time I'll be on the cover of Newsweek.
Oh, and I can never forget the people who were with me when I was just a regular commoner. So if you ever want to hang out with me when I'm rich and famous, just call my publicist, and maybe I'll make some time for you (but I doubt it).
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Email: RocketSauceTD@hotmail.com
