Cats Piss Me Off
I'm a pretty easy going guy. I have a long fuse, and there really isn't much in this fucked up world that pisses me off. But on that short list of things that piss me off, the item at the top is certain: cats.
How anyone could like a cat is beyond me. They're filthy, disgusting creatures who have no business breathing my air and taking up my space. There is no justification for their existance. Just examine the many facts.
-Cats are ugly. Just look at them. There are a few animals that I do hate, but I let it pass since they are cute (hamsters, frogs, etc.). But cats have 2 strikes against them right off the bat, they piss me off, and they aren't cute. Just looking at cats makes me nauseous.
-Cats don't do any tricks. C'mon, they're household pets, you'd think they'd be able to sit on command, right? Nope, they don't do anything except piss and shit. And they don't even have the decency to do that outdoors, they have to do it in the house every single time. Fucking savages. My dog, Rocky, is probably one of the more unintelligent dogs in the world (she's scared of thunder, yet she likes to chase the lawn mower while it's running, what the fuck?). But she still knows how to sit, shake hands, speak, and so forth. You can't teach a cat to do any of those things. Where's the fun in having it then? I don't get it.
-Cats never saved anyone's life. Most house dogs have one common trait, they'd give up their own life for their master's. How amazing is that? Plus, you constantly hear stories how dogs save people from fires, rescue people trapped in buildings, find missing people, and other amazing feats. When do you hear those stories about cats? You never do. Cats are too busy being independent and only caring about themselves to help your sorry ass. Fucking selfish pricks. I can't possibly respect any species whose only concern is their own welfare.
-Most cat owners are weirdos. Now before you get all pissy, I said most, not all. While I can't understand what would drive a person to do this, I suppose I can let the ownership of one cat slide. But once you get more than 1 cat, you've officially crossed that line between sane and insane. Once you have more than 1 cat, that's when things go wrong. That's when your house reeks of cat poop, you find dirty cat hairs everywhere, ugh, just the idea makes the hair on my neck stand. At the same time, you'll find that most dog owners are decent, law abiding american patriots who contribute greatly to society.
-Cats are the spawn of Satan. Now while I'm usually down with anything affiliated with Satan (Tenacious D!), I have to draw the line at cats. They're completely evil. You'll never find a cat with good intentions. The way they sneak around with their retractable claws so you can't hear them, just waiting for you to turn your back on them so they can bite you in the neck and kill you, they simply can't be trusted. Plus, the way they always land on their feet, that's just not normal. Any God-fearing Christian animal would land on their back in similar circumstances. And now, the most important fact:
-I'm allergic to cats. Any species that I'm allergic to must be eliminated. Case closed.
Now that the cat problem has been identified, what can we do as loyal, patriotic, God-fearing americans do about it? Well since you look to me for guidance and leadership, I offer these simple solutions.
-Kill any cat you see. Now, I know there are some of you, myself included, who couldn't bring yourself to be directly responsible for the death of an animal (for fear of legal reprucussions). But there are ways to be indirectly responsible for their deaths, thus relieving you of guilt! For instance, you could take a pitbull out for an innocent, leisurely stroll through a neighborhood that is notorious for an abundance of stray cats. Or during an election, take a pitbull with you on your door-to-door campaigning, and when you spot a house with a cat problem in it, "accidentally" release the pitbull inside the house. Another possible solution is to speed up when you see a cat on the road, and "accidentally" run it over. There are many solutions, be creative! But if you're some sort of pussy and you just can't bring yourself to be responsible for the death of a cat, then there is this non-violent solution.
-Spead the gospel! Go door to door, protest on the street, start a website, call people over the phone, educate the people! Alert cat owners the error of their ways. It'll take a lot of effort, but I think with hard work we can do this. Once the people are educated, the problem will naturally take care of itself. And then you'll see that terrorism will end, racism will end, the government won't be corrupt, there will be world peace, and most importantly, my allergies won't be bothering me.
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Email: RocketSauceTD@hotmail.com
