Things I've learned from comic books
(or)
Super Heroes Are Vigilantes With Unlimited Credit and a Mardi Gras Fashion Sense

1)    Clowns are evil, unfunny degenerates plagued by their own twisted delusions
    of grandeur and jagged streaks of deplorably malicious sadism. As anyone
    who's ever been to a circus can attest, this is very, very true.

2)    Wire rimmed glasses are a fool proof disguise.  Really.

3)    Much like the packaging on a can of potted meat, the image on the cover of a comic must not
accurately reflect its contents.

4)    The number of misshapen, oafish men a manga heroine can drop in a given amount of time is
directly proportionate to the size of her (ahem) hard assets.

5)    A shuriken thrown by a stock comic ninja has a 37.3% better chance of hitting its target than a
round fired from the rifle of even the most decorated of military marksmen.

6)    Guns don't kill people. Magic rings, exploding rubber chickens, and Garth Ennis kill people.

7)    Not only does tight costuming conceal the normally obscene bulge caused by male genitalia, it is
also virtually impervious to ocular lasers, various incendiary projectiles, and pit staining.

8)    Super people are reluctant to market Earth shattering (not to mention potentially lucrative)
discoveries. Cases in point: web fluid, boomerang arrows, and Batgirl's ass.

9)     With the possible exception of lobbyists for the censorship of violence in the media, Atlanteans are the bitchiest people on Earth.

and finally...

10)    A small child in turquoise hot pants is not a "sidekick." It is, more accurately, a "decoy."
Plan accordingly.

A. Christopher Roach (c) 2001
RoachAC@aol.com