<Intro Voice>
And now, somewhere with snow on it. . .
What do you mean I'm not putting effort into it? It's not like there's snow everywhere.
Fine, fine, I'll be more specific.
Ahem.
And now, somewhere in the mountains with snow on it . . .
What now?
What do you mean that's not specific enough either? It's not like every tall mountain in the world has snow on it. What? Oh. Okay then.
And now, somewhere called "Aspen" or something like that. Look, there's snow, mountains, skiing and people wrapped up in bright coloured clothes. I'm Intro Voice, not Geography Dude. After all, I have talent.
WHAT?!?!
<End Intro Voice>
Ted Turner?
Go away kid, you bother me.
No.
Look, I'm rich, powerful, influential and, well, rich. Go away I don't want you here.
Uh, okay. Have you noticed how being rich, powerful and influential hasn't stopped me at all?
Yeah. Where are my goons and thugs?
Tell me, are those the guys you gave a bunch of SUVs, sort of hanging around the perimeter?
Yeah. Why aren't they here beating you out of my presence?
They're not in much condition to be doing anything to anyone for the time being.
But I still have money and influence to destroy you.
Just not at the moment.
Well, uh, no, I suppose not. But just give me a goon or a thug and you're done for.
Yeah, fine, whatever. Look, you're Ted Turner, billionaire media mogul?
That's how I got the power, money and influence.
You own CNN?
That's CNN a division of Time-Warner AOL.
Basically you own a large media concern that broadcasts the news around the world.
And print, online and occasionally carrier pigeon. Got to diversify after all.
Actually, that makes a disturbing amount of sense.
Well, I didn't get rich by being stupid. Who do you think I am, Bill Gates?
Well, for some reason I did think you were in the same basic area.
Ha! You don't do your research, do you?
I did do my research.
Right.
Like you know anything about research.
And what is that supposed to mean?
You're they guy who owns a news group that is large.
Yep.
Well watched.
Indeed.
Worldwide in terms of coverage.
That's my baby.
And incompetent.
What?!
You own CNN, the big, blaring, on TV twenty four seven, broadcasting all over the world, massive, overwhelming coverage of the War broadcast that does a very crappy job of what is, well, supposed to be it's job.
What do you mean?
Well, for one thing from the start of this Iraq thing you've had at least three people standing outside the Whitehouse as if something other than a longwinded speech by a politician or a of half hearted debriefing by an army officer is going to occur.
It's important.
Not three people important. I mean it's not like the Whitehouse is going to be attacked.
It might.
By what? A very, very, very lost Iraqi patrol?
What about nuclear missiles?
Then I doubt that there'll be any politicians giving a speech from anywhere but an undisclosed location. Does CNN cover undisclosed locations?
Actually, we do.
Which is the other problem. All your political connections make it impossible for CNN to be a reasonably neutral agency.
We're perfectly neutral.
Perfectly neutral involves working on getting the other side of the story.
We've got reporters in Iraq.
With a camera staring out over a window for a steady view of Iraq waiting for the bombs to go down, the anti aircraft fire to go up and the explosions to boom. While watching some of that I notice a distinct lack of reporters in front of the camera.
Hey, you're not calling those brave men and women reporting the war cowards are you?
No, more like suspiciously judicious in the material they are sending.
We've got embedded Journalists.
That's not better. You've got noncombatants in a war zone.
They're gathering the news.
They're endangering their lives and the lives of everyone else by doing something other than fighting the enemy and, what might be worse, I can't decide, they're a tool of propaganda.
What? The United States and CNN does not do propaganda.
Do you know what propaganda means?
Well, it's that media thing the bad guys do.
Tell me, form the point of view of one of the Saddam Hussein do you think the US is a good guy or a bad guy?
Saddam doesn't count; he's the bad guy.
He says the same thing about Bush.
Which doesn't count because he's the bad guy.
<sigh> Okay, let's try it this way. None of the CNN reports are admitting that the United States may be screwing up. There are a few stories, but you've concentrated on displaying the war rather than giving any significant amount of airtime to those opposed to the war.
Now just how could a large, well armed, and well equipped professional military force like the United States Army screw up?
By having human beings in it. But that's another issue. How about the fact that American troops have killed more British soldiers than Iraqis have?
What? That's friendly fire, that happens in any war.
To this degree?
Well, if the Iraqis really fought then they'd kill more British than us.
That's not better!
Well, uh, maybe if, uh, no we don't want more Americans killed. Uh, how about if, uh. . . Ah hell, look, I don't make these kinds of decisions. I'm just the Vice Chairman of Time-Warner AOL.
You're vice chairman and you don't have so much as a small voice in making decisions about the allocation of resources?
Well -
You're saying that you're in a position of so little influence that you cannot dictate to others just how they report the news?
I -
No little hints form high above? No keeping an eye on who you can do favours for?
Well, I - Hang on, why am I justifying myself to you?
I'm Grey.
So?
Oh, I thought I'd be better known by now.
Well you aren't, so go away.
You're a jerk. You're using your news agencies to support your favoured political agendas.
I'm nothing more than a patriotic American.
Funny, I though being a patriotic American meant that you could voice your opinion without fear of repercussion no matter how many others disliked that opinion. CNN just seems to be a Presidential tool.
Hey, I sponsored environmental programs, educational shows and helped float the UN.
So? Just because you do some smart things in the world does not mean that you aren't equally capable of doing something stupid. You're a human being after all.
That's it, I don't have to put up with this.
No. No you don't. And neither do I.
Not when I have these.
What? Hey! Where did all these things come from?!
These are my Abominable Snow People!
Abominable Snow People?
Calling them Abominable Snow Men would be sexist.
So you're saying that women can be abominable.
What the - ? Why you little-
So now what?
My Abominable Snow People get you!
Oh yeah. Say, did you notice that one of them's lemon flavoured?
Lemon flavoured? I didn't give them flavours.
Then why's one of them yellow?
One of them's what? Where?
Over there!
Why if you or anyone else has -
<THWACK><Intro Voice>
I'm not saying it.
No.
Then apologise.
I don't thing you meant that.
I could so get other jobs.
Well, I suppose that'll do.
And so Grey races off into the sunset, swinging The Mighty Trout high, desperately trying to outrun a half dozen or so Abominable Snow People, he does seem to be pulling ahead slowly, sure to encounter stupidity again!
<End Intro Voice>
