<Intro Voice>
When last we left Grey he was staring blankly out of Hugh Hefners mansion into a pool filled with beautiful, bikini clad women. Grey was rendered totally immobile, had no ability to thwack Hefner, who, admittedly might be off the hook since he did kind of almost admit that maybe letting Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen pose for Playboy was a bit of a bad idea (I know, I know, but do we really need Grey paralysed by attractive women for another week?)
How did Grey get out for there you ask? Well, not even Hugh Hefner's parties go on forever, it stopped around about three days later and Grey recovered in about twelve hours or so. There was a brief remission when Miss October 1999 walked past, but three hours later he was scurrying through the out pipes of the grotto and shamefully retreating back to his lair.
Apparently he's back on track. Although we must never mention this incident again.
Heh, heh, heh.
And now, somewhere in and undisclosed location . . .
<End Intro Voice>
Whitley Strieber?
What? Who - who are you?
I am here to give you what you deserve.
The respect and admiration of my peers in the scientific community for my outstanding scientific theories?
No.
Awards and funding for more of my visionary movies foretelling the eventual doom of mankind?
Not that either.
The total lack of jealousy from other Alien abductees who hate me because I'm the only one of us who's managed to become rich and respectable while telling all about what happened.
You get one more try.
Has my own religion finally started up? Because it was my idea first, L. Ron Hubbard just stole it from my head with the help of his vile alien overlords!
No.
Can I have another guess?
Unless you're guess involves a close encounter of the Trout kind I don't think you're going to get it.
So you're not here to deliver a formal apology from the United States government for ignoring me all these years and now I have full control of the world's military and scientific resources because the President has been taken over by aliens bent on turning the human race into some sort of pudding?
Not even close.
Then why are you here?
I'm here because you're Whitley Strieber. You're the guy who made a name for himself by writing about his "alien abduction experiences" -
Hey, those really happened. I don't appreciate your dismissive tone.
From what I've heard you don't much like people disagreeing with you period.
They shouldn't! I know what happened, I have proof, they should all listen to me.
As you go on and on about the probings.
Oh the probings! Oh, how dire! Oh what I could tell you! Oh what I will tell you -
No thanks. I read half of one of your books and stopped. I have no desire to go back on that.
Do you want to hear about my other dire warnings of doom?
No. But they are why I'm here.
Then you agree with me on the coming super storm?
No.
Why not? I have plenty of scientific information to back me up.
There's also enough scientific information to show that you can't be one hundred percent certain that it's going to happen.
True, but it will happen.
On what possible basis can you say that?
Because it's me.
That's not a good basis.
But I was abducted by aliens and probes.
So you keep repeating, please stop.
But it's important!
How?!
The aliens wouldn't have abducted and repeatedly probed me -
Will you stop bringing that up!
- if I weren't supposed to be someone of great importance as far as the future of Earth and the human race is concerned.
Uh huh. Right. And what if you are just a freak?
You mean what if I'm a nobody and the aliens just abducted me at random? That's nonsense. What sort of higher life forms just run around probing random beings?
Because they're bored higher life forms, because they're higher life forms with really cruddy jobs, because they're higher life forms who didn't get the right message, because they're higher life forms who, like us, have really stupid bosses, or, maybe, just maybe, they're not actually higher life forms.
That doesn't make sense. How could they not be higher life forms? They had spacecraft and probes.
They took you, didn't they?
Yes they did!
Right. So how can you tell that you were important in the grand scheme of things and that these aliens are trying to stop you from doing your work?
Well, obviously I'm meant to be important, but these aliens abducted me, probed me, did the memory wipe badly and allowed me to retain some memory, all so that when I got back and started giving out all the warnings I was supposed to give, in addition to the alien abduction warnings, no one would take me seriously. I would have been totally discredited. But they failed. Their evil schemes to allow Earth to be doomed through my discredit will not work.
No, actually, I think the plan's working.
It is not, people are taking me too seriously for it to be working.
No one is taking you seriously.
But what about all those people who saw the movie I helped write? The big warning movie?
Insomniacs will do desperate things for a good night's sleep.
That's not funny.
Not much staring Dennis Quaid is, especially the comedies.
Don't you bad mouth Dennis Quaid, he supported me through this.
He doesn't have much choice, he has the same terrible affliction as John Travolta where he doesn't always carefully consider what movies to do. He's done some good work, but sometimes, like your movie . . .
What's wrong with my movie?
It's an ice age glacier that leaves cities intact and happens in less than a thousand years.
It's going to happen I say!
Now look here -
I am! I didn't see you clearly before, you were in the shadows, but now I can see you, you're one of them!
What?
Look at you, you're a gray!
No, I'm Grey. Singular. Personal pronoun Grey.
No, you're one of those gray bastards who probed me!
Hey, I don't probe anyone, I just hit them with The Mighty Trout.
Don't use petty euphemisms with me, you alien freak! I know what you're here for, you're here to stop me making the sequel movie about what happens just when we think the super storm has done it's worst.
Look you delusional twerp, I am not an alien, although I don't think I can defend myself against the freak charge. The point is I am human.
Then why are you covered in nothing but gray?
Good grief, why does everyone pick on my clothes? They're just grey, it's just a colour, a theme. You never hear anyone asking Batman why he wears a bat costume, no one asks why the Green Lantern wears green tights. No one asks why Wonder Woman wears practically nothing, and with good reason.
Yeah, stop your babbling, alien scum. I knew you'd be back one day so I'm prepared.
Uh oh, prepared for what exactly?
To capture me and really prevent me from saving the world.
Look, I was really some sort of evil alien genius -
I didn't say that. For all I know you're just some grunt alien who got saddled with the job.
<sigh> Right. Fine. Let's put it this way then why would aliens abduct you and not just kill you? Or keep you for those probings you go on about? I can't believe I just said that.
Clearly you aliens didn't just want to discredit me, you wanted to discredit the ideas that I represent. Clearly your people wanted to end any chance humanity had to avoid the tragedy I know is coming.
So why am I here to kill or abduct you?
Clearly with the movie out your masters see that I'm being taken seriously again! So they've sent a low level flunky to do the same trick all over again!
Because having a city survive a multi-storey tall glacier just makes so much sense?
Damn right, you alien bastard!
That's it.
No it isn't! I've been waiting for this day!
If you use the phrase "eagerly anticipated probing" I'm going to break your legs.
NO! Take this!
<splash>
What was that supposed to achieve?
It was water.
And?
You alien creeps take to water like humans take to sulphuric acid.
Uh huh. Right, well, do you think maybe this mean's I'm not an alien?
No, you're all gray, you have to be an alien.
Then the water thing . . .
Just means that the movie "Signs" was wrong!
You're getting your information from one of the hackiest Mel Gibson movies ever? Oh that's it.
<THWACK>
<Intro Voice>
And so Grey marches off into the sunset . . . er, sunrise? Give me a break, this place is so undisclosed the compass needles won't even twitch towards north.
Anyway, Grey marches off, swinging The Mighty Trout high, sure to encounter stupidity, as long as it's not in the Playboy Mansion, again!
<End Intro Voice>
