<Intro Voice>
Right, well, fist of all, apologies for my lack of presence last week, however that's just what happens when you get told you have a day off while Grey moves into a Trout Cave.
In hindsight I realise that I should have known that Grey would manage to piss someone off.
Anyway, we're back to normal, more or less.
And now, somewhere in the Pacific Ocean . . .
<End Intro Voice>
Hello.
What are you doing here?
<WHOCKCHUNK>
I'll tell you if you'd just stop -
<WHOCKCHUNK>
I said if you'd just stop firing harpoons -
<WHOCKCHUNK>
STOP THAT!
All right, all right, they're just test firing the cannons.
Yeah, whatever. I saw this boat drag a whale onboard, so I assume that this is a whaling ship.
No, no, not at all, we're nothing more or less than a humble Japanese Science Vessel.
Science vessel?
Yes. See, look, we've got ever so many scientific instruments and equipment.
A test tube.
Yes, see, science.
With one test tube?
Yes. And look here, latex gloves.
Everyone has those, they're standard medical equipment.
Er, well, here, here is a valuable piece of scientific equipment.
A book?
A very big and heavy encyclopaedia and atlas. Here, have a look!
Uh, I think this is a little out of date.
What makes you say that?
Alaska is still listed as Russian territory in here.
So?
One test tube, some latex gloves and a radically out of date encyclopaedia do not a science vessel make.
And just how do you know?
I've studied science; I still do science when not tending to Thwacking. This is not science.
And who are you to judge Japanese scientific practice?
I'm the guy with The Mighty Trout.
So?
So it matters quiet a bit if I don't think you're doing scientific research.
I really don't see how.
Look, how many hundreds of whales do you kill each year to conduct scientific study?
Not nearly enough, we aren't learning anything new by just killing hundreds, we need to go after thousands, maybe more.
Do you have any idea what extinction is?
Look, if there's always more then they're not extinct. I don't see what the problem is.
No, the mountain cannot see itself.
Huh?
You can't see the forest for the trees.
What?
You are the problem and because you won't look in a mirror you cannot see the problem.
I still don't get it.
Good grief.
Look, if you don't get the hell off this ship I'm going to have to throw you off this ship.
I'm here because you're blatantly using loopholes, political wrangling and international thuggery to kill whales for profit.
You're with Greenpeace, aren't you?
Those twits, hell no, I read.
We don't have to put up with this sort of crap. This is a part of our culture! Who are you to judge a vital portion of our heritage?
It is not a part of your heritage, Japan was an isolated archipelago with limited shipping until relatively recently. There was never any large scale whaling until it was decided that whale meat was a delicacy.
I never said that it wasn't a recent part of our heritage.
That's not better!
Yeah, so what are you going to do? Greenpeace can't stop us, all they try and do is ram us with rubber dingys. What is that supposed to achieve anyway? It's not like you don't get road kill in the ocean anyway, if some fool wants to try and ram a multi ton ship with an iron hull they get what they deserve.
Actually I haven't noticed any reports of Greenies dying that way.
Okay, it doesn't really happen. But not for lack of trying!
Your trying or theirs?
I'm not sure.
Oooookaaaay, why don't we just ignore that last statement for legal reasons?
Fine. So what are you going to do here, huh?
Well, you see this?
That fish in your hand?
Yeah, this is The Mighty Trout.
It looks bigger than a normal Trout.
Well, it is Mighty.
So what are you planning to do with that thing?
Thwack everyone on board.
What?! Why?
Did you just miss what I said a moment ago?
I tend to ignore anything that disagrees with my life view.
You're sure you're not with Greenpeace?
Quiet sure, besides, we're different from them.
Yeah, you have a big boat and they have many small boats.
So why are you going to thwack us?
That's "Thwack". And I'm going to Thwack everyone on this ship for being stupid.
What, just for conducting scientific experiments?
For claiming to conduct scientific experiments when what you're doing is only scientific in the loosest, most half witted, half arsed, feeble minded, incompetent, illiterate definition of the term scientific in existence.
It is so scientific.
You're giving real science a bad name every time you do this. It's so obviously commercial whaling but you're hiding behind political wrangling so effectively that no one can do anything about it.
Look, we've got some pamphlets around here that will explain everything quiet -
I don't want any pamphlets!
Right. Okay then, this is what we're going to do, you see your fish?
The Mighty Trout?
Yes, the trout, you know it's quiet large.
Yeah, it's a good bit larger than the average trout, and far more durable too. That's because it's Mighty.
Indeed. Now this is what we're going to do, we're going to harpoon that thing -
WHAT?!
And throw you overboard, don't worry, there's sure to be a Greenpeace boat shadowing us somewhere out there.
WHAT?!
Yeah, you see, we don't like you and have decided not to put up with you.
How can you harpoon The Mighty Trout?
Our harpoonists have a great deal of practice. They'll just think of that fish as a particularly small whale. And since you're much closer than the average whale it'll all work out much the same really.
You think I'm just going to let you harpoon The Mighty Trout and leave me with a bunch of Greenies?
You might not run into the Greenpeace boat, you might just drown in the cold, cold ocean.
You think so?
Yeah, there's a good chance of that.
I suppose that's not so bad. Of course I'm still not going to let that happen.
Your letting is not required.
<WHOCKCHUNK>
The Mighty Trout! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Ha! Wait, that's not right.
Yeah, you see how your massive great harpoon didn't do anything more than run into The Mighty Trout before falling quietly away?
Uh, yeah.
That's what I mean by Mighty.
<THWACK>
Now, to find out just how many people it takes to crew one of these things. And just for the record, people in white smocks do not count as scientists.
<THWACK>
<Intro Voice>
And so Grey is in for a busy afternoon, because I think that there are quiet a few people onboard a whaling ship.
Anyway, off Grey goes, swinging The Mighty Trout high, sure to encounter stupidity, especially if that Greenpeace boat shows up, and if not, well, Grey's going to reach the shore sometime and we all know that idiots thrive on land.
<End Intro Voice>
