<Intro Voice>
Well, we're still in Australia, don't ask me why, we've never linked together the locations much before.
I hope it's nothing to do with the budget. Being stuck in one country would be bad enough, if they can't afford to pay me -
Yes I am still operating under the persistent delusion that I am going to get out of this with pay.
I can do that if I want.
Anyway, and now, somewhere in Sydney, Australia . . .
<End Intro Voice>
You! Do you have a car?
Uh, yes, sort of.
Sort of?
Well, it's more of a vehicle than a car.
Oh no, what sort of vehicle?
It's an all terrain, go anywhere personal sporting vehicle.
It's an SUV, isn't it?
Well, yes.
Okay, look, I've got Steve Irwin lying out in the outback somewhere half thwacked -
And you want to save him?
Hell no, I need to run him down with something just shut him up! It's crikey this and crikey that and it's almost worth using an SUV to get him to stop.
I'm sorry, I can't let you do that.
What? Don't tell me you're some sort of Steve Irwin sympathiser?
No, it's just that if you hit someone as dense as Steve Irwin with my sporting vehicle you might dent it.
Yes . . .
Well, you can't just dent something like this. Besides, you might get it dirty too.
Good grief, that's it I'm . . .Hey, wait a minute, aren't you Tom Cruise?
Yes, yes I am. I suppose you want an autograph or something. Don't worry, I came prepared and have a boxful in the back of the vehicle.
No, I don't want an autograph, I'm not a fan of yours.
That can't be, you're alive.
What?
Everyone with a pulse is a fan of Tom Cruise.
What about Nicole Kidman?
Her especially. That's why I'm here, to patch things up.
What about Penelope Cruz?
I got too many jokes about the last name. But if she calls too I'm good for it.
I hate you.
That proves it, you definitely lack a pulse or any other signs of life.
Look, you're Tom Cruise.
I told you that before.
You're the pompous, over popular, under talented little short arsed git who keeps making these massively over budgeted, under plotted, completely lacking in talent movies, right?
Uh, well, um, I mean, well, no. No all my movies are great, that's why I'm in them.
You're buying into your press too much.
I am not.
Yes you are.
If I bought into the press too much I would really be gay. But no, I've got girls all over the place.
I'm not convinced that you're not covering it up. And that makes it worse, marketing yourself as something you're not is bad enough when it comes to talent, acting and entertainment, but advertising yourself as straight -
But I am straight, why else would all these women date me?
The chance to boost their own pathetic careers?
What's so pathetic about Nicole's career?
Moulin Rouge.
That was popular.
That was marketed as popular because they had skinny, scantily clad female singers and Missy Elliot doing the music video.
Well, what about Penelope, she's in movies with me.
Yeah, but that's just like dating you. Only longer and with slightly better pay.
Hey! Do you really think I have to pay women to be around me?
No, I'm saying that your presence is encouragement enough, irrelevant of your sexual preferences.
I'm all man!
You're half a man!
That's a low blow.
It's the only way I could hit your forehead.
Stop with the short jokes! I'm average height!
Only if you put on twenty-four inch platform shoes.
Will you stop that!
I have to do this, you're too big for your britches, and considering your true size you must shop in the children's section for clothing.
Look, I'm a big man in Hollywood.
Yeah, that's about the only way you can compensate for being such a small man everywhere else.
Are you here just to make cheap jokes?
Not quiet, I need to borrow your SUV to run down Steve Irwin.
No! You'll hurt my poor, precious vehicle.
Your poor, precious vehicle could just about withstand being hit by a train. It's menace on the roads.
It's mine!
How? I mean, I don't see nearly enough phone books piled up on the driver's seat for you to see over the steering wheel.
Stop making those damn jokes!
I would if you didn't make it far, far too easy.
How am I making jokes about me easy?
For one thing you're alive, and another thing is that you're a pompous fool.
You can't call me that! I'm powerful! I'm popular! I'm-
You've been butchering otherwise decent movies for the last half decade. I can't remember the last time you did a good movie.
What about Mission Impossible?
That was Mission Impossible because of the name, the use of Jim Phelps and an exploding cassette.
Then what about Mission Impossible 2?
That wasn't even half the Mission Impossible that the first one was, it was James Bond with American accents and all the cheesy, corny, useless special effects and bland expressions.
I did that really good science fiction one, the one based on something written by someone important.
If you mean Minority Report then you have to know that Phillip K. Dick is probably trying to claw his way out of his grave to tear you to shreds. Actually, to be fair, since it's Phillip K. Dick he's probably trying to claw his way out of his grave anyway just because he's still coming down from all the amphetamines.
You know you're a very cruel person.
I'm not half as cruel as some of the people I deal with.
Like who?
You.
Ha! You don't have any dealings with me, especially now!
No, I have dealings with you now Tom Cruise. Mister so rich he can command which half-witted, useless, ego-inflating film he can star in.
Look, I act in quality movies.
Low quality movies.
Okay, that's it, I've had enough. Where are my bodyguards, I'm calling them in and they'll come along and break you in half!
Were they about a half dozen big, burley guys in tight black clothes that revealed too much?
Yeah, the uniforms were designed by Nicole and I don't see much point in changing it.
Okay. Well, were those half a dozen guys all in SUVs?
The do have to try and keep up with me.
Ah, well, you see, I've already dealt with them.
You have?
Yeah, I just thought they were SUV owners and took them out as a matter of course.
What?!
Yeah, and now it's your turn.
For what?
This-
Crikey! There you are!
Steve Irwin!
Oh no, he followed me here!
Crikey, are you Tom Crui-
<THWACK>
There, I think I got him this time.
Wow, so that's what you do, huh?
Yep, I'm Grey, and this is The Mighty Trout.
Oh. Hey, you're not going to do that to me!
Yes I am.
No you're not, I'm important. You're can't do that to me!
<THWACK>
Hmm, seems I can do that to you after all.
<Intro Voice>
And so Grey marches off into the sunset, leaving Tom Cruise and Steve Irwin lying in the dust in what could have very easily turned into another one of those Jar Jar Binks things, swinging The Mighty Trout high, sure to encounter stupidity again!
<Intro Voice>
