<Intro Voice>
Once again we find ourselves being dragged around the world by Grey, a man whose name says it all really.
I mean what comes to mind when you say "Grey"? Why, dull, bland, foggy images that don't really spark the imagination let alone draw you in with the promise of excitement.
But here he is now, somewhere in London . . .
<End Intro Voice>
All right, I'm here, what do you four need me for now?
Need us for? You're the one who asked me here, I didn't know that these losers were going to be here too.
Losers?
Hey!
Shove it where the sun doesn't shine, Sporty.
I'm not Sporty anymore.
Not since we broke up and nothing's been heard of you.
As I was saying I'm not Sporty, I'm Glortastica.
What?
Glortastica. That's my new name and any day now producers and fans will flock to me.
I think there's more chance that Baby will get a new solo album than.
Yeah. Hey wait a minute, what's that supposed to mean?
Come on Baby, you're the only one who hasn't at least tried to get a solo career going.
I have so.
I think she has.
Has she?
Well who knew?
Ahem. Er, excuse me, uh, "ladies".
What do you want you little jerk?
Can't you see I'm busy blaming these four bimbos for my solo career tanking?
What solo career? You had one song with that dead TLC girl and that's it.
I've had more of a music career than any of you.
Shut up Slutty!
I was not Slutty Spice! Why does everyone keep calling me that?
The nude pictures.
The behaviour.
The music videos you're in now.
Excuse me, but I think I can help.
How?
You're going to give me a music career, right?
Grow up Baby.
Quiet both of you. Isn't it obvious what he wants us here for?
No, what?
He wants to reform the band.
What?
He wants us to become the Spice Girls again?
Are we sure it'll work?
We've got to give it a try, it's got to be better than what we're doing now.
Speak for yourself, Scary.
Hey, I haven't seen any new music video by you in the last two years, so I hardly think that you're in a position to be pointing fingers and shooting down otherwise good ideas.
Damn. Okay, what do you want us to do?
We'll wear the costumes.
We'll sing any songs.
We'll even make another movie.
Actually, maybe it'll be better to do the movies. I've always thought I was a better actress than singer.
Unfortunately that is very true Posh.
Okay, just stop for a minute and let me speak.
Sure.
Okay.
Not a problem.
Whatever you say.
Go ahead.
Stop! First of all I am the one who called you all here.
All of us?
But the message I got was from Sporty.
That's Glortastica. And the one I got was from Slutty and Baby.
Stop calling me that!
No, those messages were all fake. I should know, I was the one who sent them all to you.
Just to bring us here?
Correct.
Why?
Because you are - er, were, the Spice Girls.
So?
You are the band most directly responsible for the deluge of pop tarts and boy bands. You didn't start any of that, your producers did, but you were the ones who made it possible and let it happen.
So?
Yeah, I mean, it's not like we're doing anything like that now.
Speak for yourself Baby.
Getting married to a football star, getting knocked up twice, naming both kids ridiculous names and getting breast implants does not count as doing anything like we were when we were the Spice Girls, Posh.
Neither does having internal organs removed to slim down, Slutty.
Will everyone stop calling me that! I was not Slutty Spice!
Actually, which one were you?
I, uh, well, er . . . I can't remember my nickname.
You see, this is why you're here. You're all a bunch of useless bimbos who made bad music and deserve to get what's coming to you.
He doesn't mean that we're up for awards, does he?
No, Baby. At least I don't think so.
Probably not an award we want anyway.
Good grief.
But why now? Why not back when we were slightly more famous and popular than we are now?
Well . . . uh, actually that's a pretty good point.
Thanks.
That's scary too, I mean what's a Spice Girl doing being right?
I'm not called Scary for nothing.
I thought it was to do with the fact that the hairdressers could never do anything with your hair except for that style that scared children wherever you went.
Shut up, Posh.
This can't be good. You're right, realistically I should have taken care of you five a long time ago, there's not much point in doing it now, you haven't had the long-term staying power to torment the airwaves with your music anymore, nor have you successfully remained in the spotlight.
What does he mean take care of us?
I don't know. I guess we'll have to wait and find out.
So why am I here? What am I doing? Is this really the right thing? If I do this now am I not ultimately giving you five more exposure as a group than you've had in five years? What if I accidentally trigger a Spice Girls revival by doing this? It could be worse than the Abba revival!
I think he's babbling madly now.
He must be a music producer then.
I don't really know why I'm doing this now.
So we can go?
Wait, what if he was going to do something good for us?
You don't remember what he said earlier?
Do you?
No.
Uh, excuse me, mister, but, uh, what were you going to do for us before this babbling started.
I suppose, since you're all here, and since Posh is still very annoying in her own "Ohh, look at me, I can marry a man and have kids" routine, and there's always the distinct possibility that one of you will get yourselves on "American Idol" or it's British equivalent, I should do this anyway.
Oh boy!
What is it?
<THWACK>
How is that supposed to help our music careers?
<THWACK>
It isn't really.
Then why are you hitting us with that fish?
<THWACK>
It's The Mighty Trout.
<THWACK>
Then why are you hitting us with that Mighty Trout?
Because you deserve it. Brooklyn and Romeo. I hope they lock you away when you're old and somewhat more useless than you are now.
<THWACK>
<Intro Voice>
And so our dull and boring hero leaves the Spice Girls, waddling off into the dusk, sun not presently available for appearance due to having better things to set over, waving The Mighty Trout about in a rather lacklustre manner, sure to yadda yadda, you've all heard it before.
<End Intro Voice>
