<Intro Voice>
Well, this week we've managed to achieve a little more than usual, no thanks to Grey.
Actually, considering the general foulness of the language used by this week's targets we've had a new bleeper installed.
Now, instead of <beep>, which was what we had, though I don't think we've ever used it to be honest, we here things like beep.
No, really, this is that big a change. It used to be, apparently, <beep> those <beep> <beep>.
Now, well, you'll find out because we've finally run into a group of people impolite enough for this to come into use.
And now, somewhere in California . . .
<End Intro Voice>
Helloooooo? Anyone home? Great, all I need to arrive here when no one's home.
MMUUUUUUUUUUUMMMM! WHAT THE BEEP WAS THAT?!
I DON'T BEEPING KNOW! ANSWER THE DOOR YOURSELF!
I think I'm in the right place.
Who the beep are you?
I'm Grey.
Who the beep are you?
I just beeping asked that.
How the beep was I supposed to know?
Look you two - Who the beep is this beeper?
Well, now that most of the family is here . . .
What are you waiting for?
I'm just expecting Ozzy to walking and ask who I am.
Dad's in the entertainment room. Now who the beep are you?
I'm Grey.
Whoopdeebeepingdoo. Like we couldn't have worked that out on our own. Now what's your beep name?
No, I mean my name is Grey, in addition to being dressed in grey. It's kind of a personal image thing.
What? That you're a beeping beeper?
No, it's like a uniform.
Okay, fine, you're a beeping freak dressed in beeping grey who likes to beeping well call himself Grey. Now what the beep are you here for?
I'm here to Thwack you with The Mighty Trout.
The what?
Muuuuuum, call security.
Look, what I do is I travel the world and use this Mighty Trout here to hit stupid people. If they don't realise they've been stupid and apologise that is. Because let's face it, I can't really punish someone who sees the error of their ways and honestly repents.
So why are you here?
I'm here because you're all a bunch of annoying twits who behave so stupidly I've had to spend about a year listing everything you done that justifies my presence here.
Me, annoying? I've got a beeping music career, I'm not beeping annoying!
You don't have a music career, you have something built upon daddy's coattails.
Dad doesn't wear any coattails, does he? Mum?
Not recently. I think he threw up on some at one point.
Thanks for that. You do realise you're not any better, what with your talk show.
What's wrong with my talk show?
It's a talk show, do I really have to go into any more detail than that.
Yes.
It's a talk show.
I still don't get it.
I think this beep's off his nut.
You I haven't noticed doing anything other than being on the stupid reality TV show, but I keep hearing things that make me wonder why the airwaves aren't plastered with you being as big a moron as your sister.
Hey! I do stuff.
I still don't get what you mean about me?
And what the beep do you mean when you say I don't have a music career?
It's a talk show, like Oprah, and look at the harm that's done.
I'm just aggressively expanding my life options to their fullest capacity, as are my children.
You're all milking the fact that you're married or the offspring of a drug addled rock star whose fame and skill are simple commodities to you.
Because I'm out there, doing stuff all the time. Incredible stuff too. The kind of stuff that doesn't make the news because it's too beep hot to put on the news just out of the blue.
Yeah, just like my music career's so beeping hot it can't possibly get the coverage it deserves.
Your music career consists of one CD, of which only two songs were ever played at any length and the only one that anyone remembers these days is that cover of a Madonna song.
He's got you there Kelly.
Beep off you beeping beeper. That's not all my music career consists of.
It's what it effectively consists of. You haven't released anything in over two years.
That's because I'm planning my next CD.
Unless you're writing everything yourself it probably shouldn't be taking you this long without so much as a whimper from your family's overworked PR machine.
Yeah, I am writing everything myself. Everything is going to be one hundred percent original Kelly Osbourne.
Right. And how much music have you written so far?
Lots. Kinda.
Of course. I suppose it's all in the preproduction planning stages?
More like the preprepreproduction planning is wishful stages.
I told you to beeping well beep off!
Truth hurts, huh Kelly?
At least I'm doing something, not just beeping sitting back here beeping at the beeping X-box.
I'm developing my reflexes!
Shut up you two! What right do you have to come in here, insult my kids and threaten all of us like this?
Think of me as the one disgruntled consumer in the world willing to get up off the couch.
And you're going to hit us with that fish?
The technical term is Thwacking all three of you soundly with The Mighty Trout.
Right. And just how were you planning on getting away with this.
The same way I always do.
Tell me, has anyone else you've ever done this too been allied with the Dark Powers.
Bill Gates, Saddam Hussein, George W. Bush, George Lucas, Karl Marx, and a few others like Rob Zombie who'd like to think they were in with the Dark Powers but are really just poser twits.
No, I mean people who had the ability to draw on the Dark Powers whenever they needed protection.
I think a few did, can't really remember at the moment. Why?
OZZY!
MERH MERHRMUH BURHMER BEEPING WARUGH BEH BEEP?
What was that?
Ozzy Osbourne, my husband, patriarch of the Osbournes and Rock Prince of Darkness.
Oh crud. Let me guess, these two by virtue of birth and you by virtue of marriage have access to vile, evil powers. Considering your career paths I shouldn't be this surprised.
Yeah, we have evil powers!
Fry his eyeballs, Kelly!
Sit the beep down you two! No we don't directly have powers so to speak, however . . .
Meh meremah beep urgh wah bermeh beeping mehbah?
Ozzy, love, could you please demonstrate just why it is that you're the Rock Prince of Darkness?
Beht?
No, dear, there are not bats around at the moment. Just destroy that column over there.
Berh memerhug beep merheng beep beep beep?
I was thinking of redecorating anyway.
<BZZZZAKATA>
What was that?!
That was a mere fraction of my husband's power.
Go Dad!
Berhmehmermeh beep mermbh blehmeh.
So when people call Ozzy Osbourne the Rock Prince of Darkness it's not just a name? Oh great. And this guy's running around with half his brain fried from drugs and alcohol.
Actually it's more like sixty percent of his brain.
And ninety percent of his liver, seventy five percent of his left lung, two thirds of his spleen, the equivalent of five kidneys.
Yeah, Dad barely had enough power left over to give my music career the smallest of nudges. Most of his power is used just keeping him alive these days.
How does someone like that keep control? What's stopping him from going on some sort of rampage through a remote midwestern town?
Me.
That's right, Mum's the brains behind this operation. Literally.
Berth merh beeping merphth.
Which means that if you want to hit anyone in my family with that fish you're going to have to contend with the might and power that is Ozzy Osbourne.
So without you he's completely out of control.
No, not at all. As long as I'm within about twenty metres or he's drugged into oblivion he's quite harmless. Otherwise I'd never be able to get any sleep.
In other words we're all safe as long as you're alive and within twenty metres of Ozzy?
That's correct.
<THWACK>
Mum!
Oops, I guess I should have asked if this theory had been tested or not before doing that. Well, we're safe anyway.
Quick Kelly, get Dad to vaporise this beeper!
Dad!
Beep merph beher merb herub.
Daddy?
<THWACK>
Stay back! I'm Jack Osbourne, I'm the heir to the Dark Prince of Rock! I stand to inherit his powers!
Do you have any of his powers at the moment, or just bragging rights to the possibilities of those powers?
Uh, well, err . . . DAD!
<THWACK>
Now that's over. Ozzy!
Berph merh beh beep?
Rock on Ozzy!
Merh beh herph ber.
Wow this experience has been disillusioning.
<Intro Voice>
"We're safe anyway"?
I'm not sure but I think Grey should put himself on the list for that one. Shesh, he nearly unleashed an uncontrollable Ozzy Osbourne on us all.
And so Grey marches off into the sunset, Mighty Trout high, sure to doom us all one of these days.
<End Intro Voice>
