<Intro Voice>
When last we left Grey he was barely able to revive flagging interest by mooching a ride off of someone he didn't like anyway.
So where did that leave him?
How did he get to where he is today?
I don't know, how does Grey ever get around? I mean for a guy with no appreciable income who spends every week finding and hunting down the stupid just to hit them with a Mighty Trout the guy does a lot of travelling. I don't know how he does it, I don't know how he can afford it. He just does it.
And now, somewhere in New York . . . , uh, the city that is . . .
<End Intro Voice>
Hello Olsen Twins.
What? Who are you? What are you doing here?
How did you get past our guards?
You mean the half dozen pimply twits armed with noisemakers?
The six highly trained deadly guards, obscenely loyal to the two of us and armed with diversionary devices, yes.
Believe it or not I managed to get past them by yelling out "Free Clearasil Giveaway Downstairs". I stole that from TV and they still fell for it.
Daddy was right, we should have spent more on guards.
Daddy also said that nine films in five years was more than enough. If we took him seriously over one issue we'd have to have taken the career stalling fool seriously on others.
That's a good point.
Ahem, excuse me, guy who made it past your small, barely armed squad here.
That's right, how should we deal with someone who has the capability to get past our elite army?
Okay this is getting old. You two buy into your own press far too much.
Our own press is the only one that matters.
Yeah, we can't go around listening to other people.
Even the one's screaming out in horror?
That's just another way for them to show that they love us.
You two are deluded.
You're the one dressed up like some sort of loser superhero.
Well, yes, but I don't blow things out of proportion.
Oh no?
No. I'm just here to thwack the both of you with this Mighty Trout and then I'm done.
You can't do this to us, we're ever so cute.
No you're not.
Yes we are, Hugh Hefner said that as soon as we're of age we could pose in his magazine.
He did? That's it, Hugh Hefner just made the list!
What list?
The same list you're on, the list of people who are going to be Thwacked by me and The Mighty Trout.
You can't do that to us, we're ever so cute.
You already said that, and it's not true.
It is so.
We're as cute now as we were on "Full House".
That wasn't cuteness.
Then how come so many people liked us?
That wasn't liking, that was cooing over the antics of little babies, it was an instinctive reaction nothing more.
Then you can't hit us with that fish because we're ever so popular.
And before you use that cooing line again let us point out that we are the heart of a multimillion-dollar industry.
That's not liking either, that's just being so heavily publicised and capitalized that you saturate the market with a single product. Or a single twinned product, I suppose that would be the better way of putting it.
Why are you going to do this to us, it makes no sense?
I'm doing this because you're a pair of over merchandised fluff bunny brats with an over inflated sense of your own worth to the world.
What are you trying to say?
You're not as important as you like to think you are.
That can't be right.
No one can star in as many movies as we have -
Have as many toys fashioned on us as we have -
Have so many books written about us as we have -
Make so much money as us -
That we can't possibly be anything but the most beloved -
Most adored -
Most popular -
Most rich and powerful -
Young ladies in the world.
Aaaarrrrgggghhhhhhh! Stop it with the twin talk thing! You are not cute, powerful or truly popular. The only reason you're as marketed as heavily as you are is because you've had an exploitative cottage industry built up around you.
But we're so -
Cute and adorable.
I said stop doing the twin talk thing! It's disgusting. About your only redeeming feature is the fact that your parents were marginally intelligent enough to give you different names. It was bad enough that your parents decided to put you on TV, it would have been far worse to have Mary-Kate and Maggie-Kristen or Amber and Ashley.
Actually, we've been told that for marketing purposes it might be better to change our names.
Nothing radical since our names are so readily known.
But we were thinking something along the lines of Mary-Anne and Maria-Ashley Olsen would be much better.
You two are sick.
No, we're famous and popular.
We like it.
We'll keep it.
Hence Hugh Hefner will probably have us in his magazine someday soon.
I am so going to get Hugh Hefner for that. I don't care if it hasn't happened yet, I'm just going to get him.
In the meantime you're going to help us celebrate our cuteness?
Look, for the last time, I hope, you are not cute. You were never cute. You were just a pair of little girls who said whatever cute little lines writers of a mediocre TV show gave you. And now, you're a pair of young girls saying whatever crap someone shovels on to pages.
But we're cute.
Yeah, we're twins.
Twin movie stars even.
No, you're twins doing the twin thing. The only new or interesting thing about what you're doing is that you need fewer special effects when making some of the movies.
Huh?
You're already twins so they don't need any special effects to make it look like one actress is a full pair of twins.
You're saying that like it's a bad thing.
And how does that mean we're not cute?
Uh, actually it doesn't. You're just not cute.
Huh?
You are unattractive.
What about me?
You're identical twins. If one of you is in some way unattractive then you both are.
That doesn't make sense, why would we be making so many popular movies if we weren't attractive?
Because you're being marketed and advertised to the hilt? Because people who want to make money are using your past reputation on that TV show to push the product that is the Olsen twins, perhaps?
No, that doesn't make any sense. We must be attractive.
That's it, I've had enough. Time for the Thwacking.
You can't do that to us!
We've been over this before. Yes I can, yes I will. It doesn't matter how cute you think you are.
No, not that, you can't do anything to us because of our Super Twin Powers.
What?
Our Super Twin Powers. The things that we can use to protect ourselves -
Or enforce our will against those too blind and stupid to see how cute we are.
You have super powers?
That's right. And we're going to unleash them upon you.
Great. Well? Come on, I'm waiting.
For what?
Those super powers you were talking about.
So are we.
What? Wait, how many times have you actually used your "super powers"?
Our Super Twin Powers? Well, never.
We haven't had to until now.
Right. So, how exactly do you know that you have super powers then?
Well, we just assumed.
We are twins after all.
Okay. Let's discuss what happens now.
Okay.
Just as long as it doesn't involve that fish.
<THWACK>
<THWACK>
Whoops.
<Intro Voice>
And so Grey marches off into the sunset, swinging The Mighty Trout high, sure to encounter . . . What? Oh, okay, this is unusually advanced warning. Apparently Grey's off to find Hugh Hefner. He meant what he said.
I'm shocked.
<End Intro Voice>
