<Intro Voice>
Nappy Few Beers!
Wait, sorry, got that wrong.
Wacky Dew Ears!
Wait, no, sorry, my bad. No I'm not still drunk from the party. I'm just nicely sociable.
It's just a little speech thingy. It's not like it's a major problem, I'm only trying to say Happy New Years.
See, there, I said it.
Sappy Grew Dears!
And now, somewhere completely unknown to me, and strangely lacking in terms of Bruce Campbell . . .
<End Intro Voice>
Okay, I've heard that Steven Spielberg's latest collaboration is headquartered in this secret location. I'm here to find out what is going on, and just how stupid it is.
Ah, you received my invitation!
If you mean that I saw the brief filler column in the Entertainment pages then yes, I did.
Excellent. For I intend for you to pay!
Right.
You see, after what happened last time George and Jim kicked me out of our little evil club. I haven't taken that well.
So . . . ?
I have planed revenge! A revenge so dire that no one could possibly survive it!
So, what? I'm going be dragged away by armed guards, tortured and left to a slow death by being thrown into an iron maiden?
No, that would simply be a Special Collectors Edition Directors Cut Boxed set version of my work. No, what I have planned is a Special Collectors Edition Directors Cut with Bonus Material Updated using Digital Technology and a fresh Writers Vision Reworked for the Modern Home Entertainment Facility!
So I'm going to be dragged away by two guys in cotton shirts armed with walkie-talkies and forced to watch one of your bubblier revelations?
Yes! I mean, no! I mean, kind of. Something like that.
Wait, why am I mocking that? Considering what you've done to Phillip K. Dick's work I think I'm getting scared.
And well you should be, for I have assembled my own cadre of likeminded individuals who will aid me in your torment.
Of course you do.
I do! Why right here is -
Tom Hanks.
Hey, how did you know it was me? I hadn't even walked out of the dramatic shadows yet.
You're Steven Spielberg's do-it monkey. Who else would it be?
I'm not his do-it monkey, I'm a talented actor, a great actor.
You're talented, certainly. However truly great actors know how to choose their scripts with a little more care.
I suppose I can't argue with that.
Can I continue?
I'd rather you didn't.
Hey, just who's the expert director here?
Well, I don't like to brag, especially since I haven't directed nearly enough to qualify as an expert.
Tom, I'm pretty sure he thinks he's talking about himself here.
You think? I mean, sure, of course.
As I was saying, there is another member in this cadre of powerful individuals. While you may have been able to accurately guess that Tom Hanks was at my side, you will never -
Sam Rami.
How did you know?!
It was on Tom's website.
Tom, how could you?
I put everything on my website. If you pay for a membership you get all the details of my life, including what I do when I need to shower and there's only a bath available.
Yes, pay. We all pay.
Hey, Steve, shouldn't we bring Sam out now?
Uh, why? The surprise is gone. Oh, wait, that's right, he's a part of the new conspiracy. Sam!
It is I, Sam -
He figured it out already.
What? How? It was supposed to be one of those ubersecret, seven versions of the script deals.
I put it on my website.
Well that's just great. Nice to know the calibre of security I'm working with.
Hey, I'm doing my best here! George was in charge of security in the last Macarena.
George, George, George. That's all we hear around here! You're going to have to get over George!
Yeah, longings for James would be an improvement.
Accepting our abilities would be better, Tom.
Actually, yeah, he has a point Steven.
Wait a minute, the last Macarena? This is another Macarena of Evil, a mark 2?
No, not at all. This is an all-new Macarena. The Macarena of Mischief.
Wait, you said that the naming wasn't final.
Of course it isn't. The working title is The Macarena of Mischief: Steven's Revenge Against the Morons.
All of a sudden The Blue Monkey of Evil doesn't seem like a bad title.
No, it doesn't. Can we use that one?
Uh, no. I copyrighted the whole Macarena thing. By now James and George are sure to have done the same thing.
Well great.
Hey, can we get back to my supposed impending doom here?
Yes! Now you shall surely suffer. At the tip of my giant glowing finger no less!
Oh, this again. Well, it is a part of the deal.
What deal? I wasn't told about any finger, Tom.
I had to sign a contract, what about you?
I was just offered the deal, nothing more.
Just before you all go into protracted legal negotiations, just how is an insane director, an actor and an inane director supposed to harm me.
Hey, I'm not inane, I just believe in entertainment over art.
Fine. But what was this collection supposed to do anyway?
I thought that was rather obvious.
Steve, I hate to admit it, but even I don't quite see what we're supposed to achieve against this guy. I mean, you told me that this guy hits stupid people with a fish. What's hard about that?
Tom, I'm the director here. I think I know what I'm doing here.
That has always been doubtful.
Hey Grey!
Oh no.
Bruce?
Sam?
What are you doing here?
You two know each other? How?
I thought this might happen.
Yeah, we're old friends.
I always try to find space for Bruce in any movie or TV series I make.
And I'm always loyal to Sam for that. It's mutual favours really.
What do you do for Sam Rami?
Let him know when he's straying from entertaining. Why are you here with Sam anyway?
I'm sorry Bruce. I tried to lose you this time because of the possibility of a conflict of interest. Sam's joined Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks in the Macarena of Mischief. It's stupid, and I'm going to have to thwack him.
What? No! Sam, did you know what Spielberg was up to?
Hey, I was just told that this was a chance to collaborate with Steven Spielberg. What director wouldn't take that kind of chance? I thought it was just a movie project, now I find out there's a fish -
Mighty Trout.
A Mighty Trout no less, and that Steven Spielberg is fixated on his own oversized fluorescent finger.
Grey, isn't' there some way we can get Sam out of this? I mean, you can't thwack him if he knows he's doing something stupid.
Well, to be honest, that is the way I run things.
It is?
Yeah. It just doesn't come up much. Sam Rami, do you realise you're doing something stupid by teaming up with Steven Spielberg rather than continuing your own history of somewhat irreverent but generally entertaining movies and so on?
Oh damn yeah! Bruce, next time one of these big names tries to collaborate, get your friend here on me.
Sure thing. Poker as usual this week?
I think I'll be showering for quite some time to come.
Hey, you can't just leave, you signed a contract!
No, I signed the contract, both of them.
Including the one I intended for Sam?
Uh oh.
Tom Hanks, do you realise that teaming up with Steven Spielberg might not have been such a good idea?
That's not true, we've done some good work together. That's reason enough to stick with him though a bit of a dry period.
Moviewise, that is true.
And with this. Steven has made some mistakes, so have I.
You can say that again.
<THWACK>
No! My plans! My beautiful, beautiful plans! I needed those two here. If for no other reason than to witness my glorious triumph! And maybe adjust the cameras that I was going to use to film my glorious triumph.
<THWACK>
Thanks for that Grey.
That wasn't a favour Bruce, that was just policy. Sorry I thought you'd be an impediment.
Thanks. Can I kick Tom Hanks while he's down and unconscious?
Sure.
<Intro Voice>
And so Grey marches off into the sunset, Mighty Trout held high and Bruce Campbell working his steelcaps into Tom Hank's kidneys. Wow that sunset is bright.
Urgh. Okay, maybe I got a little more than social.
Anyone got an aspirin.
No? Well then can someone turn off the sun?
<End Intro Voice>
