<Intro Voice>
Grey. Mighty Trout. Stupid.
And now, somewhere just North of the Canadian border . . .
What? I was told to keep it simple this time.
<End Intro Voice>
Yo, Gates!
What, you're here all ready?
I'm known for being extremely prompt.
I thought you were known for jiggling your wide self off to the restaurants.
I'm going to kill Intro Voice.
Please, I'm a multibillionaire with his own company, do you really think that I have so many intelligence and information gathering assets that I hardly need to rely on one loud mouth. No, my sources are everywhere!
And where did your sources get this information?
Uh, a guy, who knows a guy, who knows a girl who's related to guy who heard Intro Voice. But that's not the point!
No, the thing on top of your head is a point.
Hey! That's mean!
Yes it is. I suppose you're now going to try and tell me that what you had planned for me was all ice cream and sunshine?
Well, uh, it is Easter.
Easter means chocolate. Or fasting. Sometimes both if you're really, really confused. Anyway, I know what's going on Gates.
What is that then, what have your vaunted sources managed to tell you?
That you've teamed up with Michael Jackson in a bid to destroy me. How did you convince him to destroy me in your Canadian base of operations rather than in my Troutcave where his face is?
I made it more about the vengeance than the face. Besides, I know where that cave is, I'd rather face you here, on my turf, rather than your own where you can be prepared!
Have you not been paying attention? I'm always on someone else's turf.
Really?
Thwacked Ted Turner twice in the last couple of months. Once while he was on holiday and again in Warner Brothers offices. You don't think that's his turf?
Uh, guess it is really. Nevertheless you're on my ground now!
Like the first time I did this?
Well, yeah, but I'm prepared!
Like almost every time I've done this?
Will you stop doing that!
What, pointing out reality?
Yes! I mean . . .Why is this always so hard? What have I done to deserve this?
Is that a rhetorical question or do you really want an answer?
I don't want an answer! I want you to suffer under the grand powers of myself and Michael Jackson!
Where is he anyway?
Still tending to some legal stuff. He'll be here soon and then we will have the power to destroy you!
How?
Michael Jackson.
Yeah?
And me?
So?
Together.
Still not getting it.
I am Bill Gates.
That's never helped before.
And this is, uh, will be Michael Jackson, one of the Rock Gods.
What pantheon are you looking up?
Hey, he's always been referred to as The Prince of Rock.
He's the Prince of Pop. And I don't think anyone has seriously used that title in the last five years.
So he's temporarily dethroned, he still has his awesome powers.
What awesome powers?
He has awesome powers, just as I do!
No you don't.
Okay, I ordered my employees to develop something, a device so terrible and powerful that you would have no chance against it. That counts as using my powers.
Yeah, I suppose I have to give you that one. But you've tried the powerful, terrible device bit before.
The only reason it failed is because I never had help, now I have Michael Jackson!
I ordered appropriate fanfair when I entered!
Michael, you're here! Ready for the revenge?
That's not Michael Jackson.
Yes I am.
How am I supposed to know, I can't see your face!
It sounds like me, doesn't it?
That can be faked.
Grey, it's Michael Jackson. How would you know what he looked like anyway?
Uh, damn. Take that stupid thing off anyway.
I can't you stole one of my favourite faces.
One of, Michael, that just means you wear another.
What if he takes that one too?
You've got others! Look, we've talked about this before, we need your awesome powers in conjunction with my magnificent creations -
Whose magnificent creations?
I funded them, I patented them, they are mine irrelevant of who actually conceived, designed, built and tested them.
And who bullied the engineers into accepting those terms?
Look, lawyers are minions too. Stop nitpicking and let me get on with my speech.
No.
Michael, get him!
I resent being sent out like an attack dog. I'm a talented artist and very sensitive at that.
I'm sorry Michael but all my devices need time to boot up, load and move into position. Your magnificent gifts require but a fe -Now before he strikes!
Sod you Gatesy, Jackson you're being stu -
<KAZAK>
Ow.
Again! I'm seventy five percent ready!
<KAZAK>
Ouchie. How does Michael Jackson, the target of so many lawsuits and jokes have these sorts of powers and not use them?
I prefer that people love me for my talent, not my destructive capability.
<KAZAK>
Billy, are you going to help at all?
Sorry, I'm back at thirty percent. There's some sort of bug in the system.
You're the bug in the system Gates!
<KAZAK>
Don't be mean to my friend.
Friend? Him? The guy who's making you do all the work?
I'm at eighty five percent Michael, keep him off balance. Wait, I've got a blue screen. Never mind, I've got three other clear screens, this can still work!
It's Bill Freaking Gates, Jackson. He's not a mad scientist or an evil genius. He's not even a computer nerd and you're relying on him to handle technology?
<KAZAK>
Will you stop doing that, it hurts!
That's the point. You took my face and I want it back.
With his help? You do realise that I've got computerised lock on the Troutcave?
Uh oh?
Uh oh? What do you mean Uh oh, Billy? What's wrong?
Nothing at all, keep going, I've just got to warm up the capacitors. Or something. Someone gave me a users manual with three languages, Korean, German and Klingon.
This is the guy you're relying on to get your face back? Your plastic surgeon has a better shot!
<KAZAK>
Ow.
Billy, is he right?
I've got people who can take care of things like electric locks.
He said computerised locks.
What's the difference? The point is I pay people to do stuff and stuff gets done. End of story.
But Billy . . .
I'm sorry Michael, this is the way things are. First we take Grey out of the picture and then we get your face back. And even if I can't get in I've got money. We'll get you into surgery. With two surgeons, isn't that better?
I had two surgeons last time I tried to fix this.
Oh. How about five then?
I'm not sure, Billy -
<THWACK>
That's for teaming up with Bill Gates and expecting to win. And for wanting people to love you for your talent when your last decent bout of artistic creativity was fifteen years ago, you freaking idiot. I'm not even going near the face this time, it's punishment enough as it is.
You're tougher than I though, Grey. I didn't expect you to get up that quickly.
Everyone keeps underestimating me. Story of my life. What are you going to do about it, Gatesy?
I'm going to wait until this thing is at full power, then I'm hitting this switch, which I am reliably informed does something with lasers. Probably at you, I'm not too sure on the specifics. I'm more management than field, but I made an exception this time.
Is it charged up yet?
Uh, fifteen percent.
I'm coming up there.
Uh, drat. Well, uh, you're still fat!
Shut up.
<THWACK>
<Intro Voice>
And so Grey limps off into the sunset, trying to use The Mighty Trout as a crutch and failing miserably, sure to encounter stupidity after he's acquired some bandages and a decent burn ointment.
Don't look at me to help, I don't think he's too happy with me.
<End Intro Voice>
