<Intro Voice>
Okay, are we on?
Right, okay, uh, let's see.
Sorry people we're running a bit more than usual. After last week's encounter with Ozzy Grey's been moving about faster than normal. This of course has left the rest of us in a bit of a pickle.
Don't worry I think the equipment is ready, however I think that we lost most of the scripts over Madagascar.
Uh, meanwhile, in, uh, somewhere with a . . . Cathedral made entirely of glass?
<End Intro Voice>
All right, I'm here. Now where - Who are you?
I am, your salvation!
What?
Boy, I see in you a lost lamb, a small, fluffy, lost animal that seeks what we all seek.
Huh?
Son, I know what it is you search for. I am here to tell you that you need search no more. For you have found, that which all seek, that which all, who have lead lives so lost, seek so fervently.
Okay, I'm pretty sure that none of that made any sense whatsoever. I'm looking for a Televangelist. Several in particular, come to think of it.
Then you have found the first, and most crucial step, in your search.
You don't look like any of the Televangelists I'm looking for. You're kind of like them, big hair, suit that looks expensive and still manages to be bad, smile that defies the laws of reality in terms of width and brightness and still seems to lack . . .
Final, ultimate success in bringing all of Gods creatures back into the light?
Soul.
Child you are confused, for I cannot lack in soul. My divine creation has made manifest my faith. And as such you may miss the presence of a soul in me, though you may be certain that it is there.
I don't literally mean soul, I mean something like passion or energy or animation. You don't seem entirely human.
That is because by God's good graces I have been allowed to transcend mere humanity and have become an avatar for what is good and right in the world. I am the vessel for the Message of the Lord and am thus not as bound to the laws and rituals that you might expect.
You're what? No, wait, don't start up again, let me see if I can work this out on my own.
My boy I fear that you may not be able to discern the true truth on your own. You will need help, you will need the aid of others such as myself in determining what the truth is.
Just so you know, insulting my intelligence is not a way to make me your friend.
I insult no one's intelligence, I simply make observations that are all too unfortunately correct. And so I say that you are lost. Lost in a land where there are too many opportunities to fall, a land wherein you there is too much permissiveness and too little adherence to authority.
What are you that you can keep spouting nonsense like that and remain so convincing?
I have told you, I am the amalgamation of all those within whom God has entrusted the duty to spread His Divine Word.
You're the collective spirit of Televangelists?
I told you what I am in far grander terms.
You are the collective spirit of Televangelists. Great. Well, this explains the diamond-studded teeth without bleeding lips. It doesn't explain the mascara or the big hair.
There are quite a few women Televangelists, and then there are the wives.
Oh. Uh, okay.
Nevertheless there is a gift I wish to bestow upon you. A gift of immeasurable worth, that comes with immeasurable benefits to you.
Right.
I sense your scepticism, and I know that it is a hard burden to drop, though drop it you must if you are ever to receive the divine gift.
I thought you were just going to give it to me.
As a mere, humble servant of the Lord it is my position to make available to you the resources He grants. You must still do your part, you must remain willing to accept the Word and all it brings.
Okay, so what is it that you wish to grant me?
My child I am afraid I cannot simply give unto you, for that would be wrong. If I simply gave knowledge you would not value it. Once was a time when a gift would be accepted and revered not only as a gift but as a token, as a piece of valuable knowledge or insight, something of greater worth than the gross material act of giving.
So, what? I have to pay for it?
A mere $29.99.
You're selling wisdom and truth.
God's Wisdom and God's Honest Truth.
Right. So let me get this straight, you want to sell me a book -
No, not a book, for there is only one book, and it is good. No, what I offer is a booklet, filled from page to page, from margin to margin with the truth that you will need to transcend this life into the awaiting, loving arms of The Almighty.
Okay, first of all if God really is All Loving then God will forgive pretty much everything and thus only those people who know that they are guilty will actually go to Hell.
Not so.
Why not? Because it would render everything in your thirty dollar booklet useless?
$29.99 message of truth.
Secondly how can you possibly put a price on something that is the Truth? You can't honestly be peddling anything good if it's in an overpriced booklet.
Beware ye thrower of stones, for thou shalt not feel the Grace of the Lord.
That isn't biblical verse.
It is the truth nonetheless.
No it isn't, its just words you've thrown together for your own purpose.
I would never do such a thing. All that I do is in effort of God.
No, you constantly twist things for your own gain. You spout sanctimonious crap that makes genuine Christians look bad. You badger people, batter them with guilt and fear. And since you're the loudest and most offensive representative of your religion people regularly see it gives them all a bad reputation.
Hmmm, perhaps the booklet would not be enough for you. Could I perhaps interest you in purchasing one of my many life-sized replicas, to further remind yourself of your experience and of how much passion there can be in the worship of Christ. All proceeds of course go right into the church.
"Life sized replica"? Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't that idolatry?
No, not at all, idolatry is the worship of false idols. I am in the service of God and thus this is not idolatry.
How? You haven't actually explained anything yet.
I'm not the one being worshiped.
No, you're the one standing in front of seven gross of life-sized replicas of yourself. I'm surprised they're not gold.
That gets expensive.
I still don't see how this isn't idolatry.
Simple, I am not the object of people's adoration, faith and worship. My form is but a reminder of the Almighty, a reminder to those who purchase one of these very nicely priced replicas of their faith.
That's a bad joke. You're not messing around with Faith, you're screwing around with people's fear. Do this or you'll go to Hell is not a way to get people to honestly worship, it frightens people into doing what you tell them to. And you're not someone worth listening to. You're just some git who wanted to get rich and have power and attention, so you manipulate people's perceptions of faith until they're bowing to you. Meanwhile you're being a self-righteous imbecile living in a mansion, wearing expensive clothes and flying all round the world with who knows how many women, all the while spouting that everyone should practice what you preach, not what you do.
The Lord works in mysterious ways.
You're a hypocrite. I don't think anyone's definition of God is so mysterious that you're the one giving off the right message.
So what are your going to do about it, little man?
Oh, no more long winded preaching?
I've had it with your type and your small minds. You who never realise who truly great and self-sacrificing we are.
Yeah, those seven jewelled rings on your hands give the measure of your self-sacrifice.
I have worked and slaved all my life, and still small people continue to question my morals, my ethics and my practices.
Yeah, evidence is a pain like that.
And now you stand here impudently accusing me of wrongdoings, of transgressions that have no impact in the greater scheme of things!
Actually I think I stand here impishly accusing you of being the sort of idiot who tries to get away with crap no one should put up with from supposed leaders.
We are leader, we are the ones who lead the people from temptation and towards truth.
And so it's all right that several televangelists have attempted political careers.
Leadership is leadership in any form.
So it's also justifiable that some televangelists spread bigotry and ignorance towards Jews, Muslims and Homosexuals.
We don't all do that.
Enough do it publicly that counts. For men and women of Faith there is a lot of hatemongering going on.
So what? What are you going to do about it? One so small as you cannot hope to assail one of my position.
Well, I have a theory of sorts, basically it boils down to the idea that if God were truly behind you he'd either protect you or have you suffer in some glorious way, like Jesus and the crucifixion thing.
Indeed, so would be the will of the merciful Lord.
Right. Which means that there wouldn't be this sort of low-level humiliation.
What are you talking about?
One last thing, if God wants a themepark built, he'll send Jesus. Because Jesus is carpenter, he knows what he's doing. Unlike certain other people.
<THWACK>
<Intro Voice>
And so Grey marches off into the sunset, quite probably making another all powerful enemy - He's really on a roll here - swinging The Mighty Trout high, sure to encounter stupidity again!
<End Intro Voice>
