<Intro Voice>
As we look out over the sun blasted plains of the Australian outback, the earth and sky both seem stained with a luxurious orange -
What? Yes, I know this isn't exactly what I normally say, I'm trying to be diverse.
No, it is a good idea, people can't just be expected to hear the same thing from me over and over again, I have to diversify as a character.
I know you didn't pay me to diversify as a character I'm doing it on my own.
What do you mean you're going to charge me for the extra exposure? You can't do that.
You can? It's in the contract? Where? After the part where I don't get paid and before the part where I forfeit any right to my own identity if I . . . Oh.
Stupid fine print.
And now, somewhere in the Australian Outback . . .
<End Intro Voice>
Excuse me, are you Steve Irwin?
What? Awah, crikey mate, ya should be more careful about approaching someone in the Australian Outback like that, you didn't know if I was stalking a poisonous snake, a dangerous predator or some sort of rare little bird.
Well -
Crikey, I know it's easy to mistake the Australian Outback for an empty place, but there's life all around us.
I-
Here there's so much life that you can't lift up a rock or dig in the sand without finding something, a worm, a small little mammal or even some sort of reptile burrowing through the dirt, making the most of whatever moisture and food they can find.
Yes, but-
So you'll understand if I seem a bit jumpy. You can't discount any threats out here in the wilderness. At any moment something could jump up and try to take a piece of ya. If you're not keeping an eye out then you're just begging for trouble. Crikey, you can't be irresponsible around nature.
Yes, speaking of irresponsible -
Crikey, what about it? I don't think you're being too bad at the moment, but you're hardly making the best of impressions.
Yes. Well, I just want to make sure that you're Steve Irwin -
Yeah, that's me, like I said before.
The same guy who babbles on madly in his own nature shows?
Crikey, I'm hardly the sort to shut up, mate. It comes with the territory, I'm afraid. When you're out trying to educate people about the beauty of nature and just how fragile she is you can't just stand in the background and be quiet. No one will ever find out about anything you've got to say that way.
So that's why you made a movie?
It seemed like the thing to do really. I mean I started out on the telly, getting everyone to know about how beautiful and dangerous nature is. It was kind of like a natural extension of my nature park. Crikey, the only real difference between what I was doing there and what I'm doing now is that there are fewer cameras. Not so many tourists about, and it's probably for the best, better to have one or two guys who know what they're doing, who know what you're doing and can help or stay out of the way if there's trouble.
And the movie-
Was another natural extension. I mean, first I'm in the pens with the crocs for the tourists, educating the littlies and the oldies all at once, but only on that day in that place. Then I'm on telly, educating hundreds and thousands of people around the world, showing them the nature we've got to work so hard to preserve.
And the movie just seemed to make sense?
Crikey, that's right, you're getting the idea now.
Uh, how did the movie seem like the next logical step exactly?
Crikey if you're on the telly you're getting to hundreds or millions, but you can't just stay there, you've got to stay fresh and new. That's why I don't just do the crocs. I go around the world and go after the lions, tigers, komodo dragons, all sorts of things. So going into the movies is like getting to millions of millions all over the world on the big screen, letting them see nature's majesty and brilliance.
By making a fictional movie in which you run around like a blithering idiot while a half-baked spy story is spun around you?
Yeah, why, what's wrong with that?
You've gone from being an annoying, if somewhat useful and occasionally entertaining and educational nature show host to someone who'd getting more time on the silver screen than you really deserve.
Gotta happen, mate. Crikey, it's the only way I'm going to reach all those people.
But it you're annoying. And things like this encourage people like Brittany Spears and Mariah Carey.
I'm nothing like them. For one thing I have important things to say. I can change the world if I try hard enough. So can you.
Funny you should say that, because I'm here to-
Crikey, what are you doing with that there?
What?
That fish.
You mean the Might-
Yeah, that Mighty Trout you've got there is far outside its normal habitat range.
Well, that's because-
The Australian Outback is not place for a Mighty Trout, crikey no. The Mighty Trout you've got there is more at home in deep freshwater lakes or in around the warm coastal waters.
You see, I-
What a Mighty Trout is doing here, this far from anything even remotely resembling a friendly environment I don't know. One thing's for sure, if you don't take steps to get the little blighter into some good, fresh deep water he's not gonna make it.
Ah, but you see, this is not a Mighty Trout, it's The Mighty Trout, so there's a difference.
Crikey, I don't think so. The Mighty Trout population has been decreasing for years. She's not an endangered species just yet. Give it a few years, though and she'll be on the verge of extinction and not long after that she'll be gone for good. So what we've really got to do is take steps to preserve all Mighty Trout now before we're in a situation where all we can do is tell our kids of what we once had.
Do you ever shut up?
Can't be quiet about something like this. It's important -
Look, just shut up!
Only by standing quiet do you truly fail. If you open your mouth and at least try to be understood, then -
Do you ever at least let someone else finish what they're say-
Not when what I've got to say is far more important than what someone else mighty say. Now what are you going to do with that Mighty Trout? I hope you're going to put it in a tank of water and take it to the nearest natural habitat for the poor little blighter. The coast is only about two or three -
<THWACK>
Shut up I said!
Now, you see, that sort of thing isn't going to help that Mighty Trout there. They're not made for this sort of -
<THWACK>
I said shut up! This isn't a Mighty Trout. It's The Mighty Trout, THE!! That means it's not one of these normal Mighty Trout that can't survive out of water and fall apart when they hit someone around the head -
Now you see, how can you be sure? How do you know that the tired little thing just wants to dip into the nearest water and -
<THWACK>
- just have a little rest? You don't know because you don't seem like the kind of person who really listens to animals or lets nature just go about its business.
<THWACK>
I can tell by the way you're holding the beggar that you're -
<THWACK>
- just -
<THWACK>
- not -
<THWACK>
-treating -
<THWACK>
-him-
<THWACK>
-right -
<THWACK>
<Intro Voice>
And so Grey runs off into the sunset, swinging The Mighty Trout high, before Steve Irwin can possibly get back up, and I think he'll do it again, but outside of the ten count this time, sure to encounter stupidity again!
<Intro Voice>
