<Intro Voice>
Strap your selves in . . .
This is, well, ugh.
Strap yourselves in and prepare for hyper intensity . . .
No, look, this isn't going to work. I don't care what research shows, it's cheesy and isn't going to impress anyone. All right, fine.
Strap yourselves in and prepare for hyper intensity action with Grey and The Mighty Trout as they set off on another adventure somewhere in California!
This sucks.
<End Intro Voice>
Excuse me, I'm . . . Wait, I think you're the one I'm looking for.
You do? You're looking for me? Really?
Yeah, if you're Mariah Carey that is.
I am, I am Mariah Carey and you really want to see me here and now?
Yes I do.
I knew it, I knew that things were going to change soon, they just had to.
Huh?
Well, you're a movie producer, right?
Uh, no.
Oh, well a music producer is still good.
I'm not a music producer.
Are you any sort of producer?
Uh, no, not really.
An agent? I mean, I've already got an agent, but if you're better than he is then naturally I'll switch. All it would take is another movie or album and I'm yours.
Okay, let's move right on by the dubious parts of that statement and get down to business.
What dubious parts of the statement?
The part where you practically offer yourself to me.
What?! I would never do that.
I thought not.
Though three or four movies down the track, if we get to know each other a little better, then maybe . . .
All right, stop right there, we're not going any further with this!
What?
That . . . stuff . . .
What are you talking about? Tell me.
No, let's just change the subject right here and now before it goes any further. You're Mariah Carey, one time singer and wannabe movie star?
No.
No you're not Mariah Carey one time singer and wannabe movie star?
That's right.
Who are you then?
I'm Mariah Carey, International Pop Diva Superstar and soon to be Movie Megastar.
Who?
What do you mean "who"?
I mean that there is no Mariah Carey, International Pop Diva Superstar and soon to be Movie Megastar. There's Mariah Carey soon to be washed up has been, or Mariah Carey, the T&A Princess who reached her use by date.
What?! That can't be me! No one refers to me like that!
Not yet, but give them time . . .
How could they do this to me?
Come on, you haven't noticed just how brutal and shallow the music industry is?
I'm not washed up and I'm not a has been!
That's why I said, "soon to be". Just give it some time.
What do you mean by that?
Don't act so ignorant with me, you know very well what I'm talking about.
Uh, no I don't.
Yes you do.
No, I've, uh, just begun my climb up the ladder of success with my movie.
"Glitter" was not a movie. "Glitter" was a crime against humanity.
Because it didn't do as well at the box office as it should have?
You're an amazingly hopeful person. One would actually say blindingly hopeful.
A positive attitude can make anything go your way.
I think that "Glitter" solidly disproves that theory.
It could bounce back.
No it won't.
Maybe it'll become like one of those cult classic films.
No.
Well then maybe people will like the sequel more.
Sequel?
Yeah, you don't think that someone as famous as me could just make one movie do you?
Wait, wait, there's going to be a "Glitter II"?
Sure there is.
When?
As soon as I can find someone to write the script and someone to produce and someone to direct.
What in the hell makes you think that someone with one failed movie will be able to get support to make a sequel to said failed movie?
I'm Mariah Carey, I'm famous already.
That doesn't answer my question!
Yes it does, people are always making star vehicle movies, so why shouldn't they want to make a sequel?
Because you're not much of a star anymore.
I am so.
No you're not, you're practically forgotten already.
I am not.
Yes you are, "Glitter" was the first nail in your coffin. Up until then you could bounce around on stage and screen making noise and people could enjoy the show just by buying some earplugs. Or failing earplugs, just shove dirt or marshmallow into their ears.
Don't say that!
Why not, it's true. Then you went and made a movie in which you didn't spend ninety percent of the time in skimpy, tight clothing.
Uh, have you seen "Glitter"?
No, of course not.
I did spend ninety percent of the movie in tight clothing.
Really. Did you stand behind anyone in that movie or sit down at all?
Yeah.
There you go, that's how you lost the audience's interest.
I didn't mean to, that idiot director said I had to, that the movie had to be about more than me.
That was a mistake.
I'll say.
Yeah, if it had just been ninety minutes of you prancing around half naked it could have done quiet well.
Hey, I'm more than just a beautiful woman.
No you're not.
I am so, I'm a talented singer.
Record sales seem to disprove that.
I'm also a talented actress.
I believe we've gone over that point well enough.
Stop it! Why are you doing this to me?
Well, I'm Grey.
That guy with the fish?
Yep. See, here's The Mighty Trout.
What are you going to do?
Something rather unique. You see, normally what I do is I find people as stupid as you, confront them with their own stupidity and then give them a good, solid Thwack across the back of the head.
So you're going to hit me with a fish?
Normally that is what I'd do. However this time will be different.
Why?
Because last week I Thwacked an entire Japanese Whaling boat. That was a lot of Thwacking. So out of concern that I'll hurt my arm or something I'm taking it a bit easy this week.
So you're not going to hit me with the fish?
No. I don't want to risk the injury and you don't really deserve anything this, uh, what's the word I'm looking for?
Heinous?
No, we're not discussing your music or movie at the moment. Ah yes, you don't deserver anything quiet as noteworthy as a Thwacking.
So what are you going to do?
Laugh. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You got your comeuppance! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
That's it?
It was more than enough.
You're right. Damn.
<Intro Voice>
With that magnificent . . .
No, this isn't going to work at all, trust me.
And so Grey marches off into the Sunset, swinging The Mighty Trout high and leaving the broken remains of Mariah Carey behind with the truth of her existence, sure to encounter stupidity again!
See, sticking to the formula just works.
<End Intro Voice>
