<Intro Voice>
And now, somewhere in Detroit . . .
What? Why Detroit? I don't know, I don't make the travel plans.
If I did there would be far fewer trips to Hollywood. Well, not many fewer. I do have a singing career to think of. But we'd spend much more time in Hawaii, Tahiti, maybe a little travel to Tokyo or better yet, Paris.
Come to think of it why aren't we in Paris more often? It's not like the French can hide behind the excuse of being the French forever.
What do you mean comments like that will lose our audience?
Oh.
<End Intro Voice>
Little Bow Wow?
That's Lil' Bow Wow, fool.
Right. Miniature version of rapper Snoop Doggy Dog?
Huh?
Scaled down version of one of many self proclaimed, media image supported bad boys of rap?
What the hell are you saying?
You're the cutsiefied, "look I'm a kid, I'm tough and I'm dangerous" rapper of the moment. The moment being until enough puberty hits you wipe out that cuteness in a haze of pimples, growth spurts and vicious reality?
What?
You're Snoop Doggy Dog's minime.
Oh. What a minute, I'm not Snoop Doggy Dog's minime!
Yes you are.
I am not.
You are so.
You're trippin'. I'm no more Snoop's minime than I am a . . . a . . . a . . . uh . . .
Than you are a talented rapper?
Yeah. I mean no! I mean, wait, what are you saying?
I'm saying that you're a small boy paraded about in stage and screen for the express purpose of making money for the people who write your music, tell you what to wear, what to say and where and when to do all of the above.
Huh?
I'm saying that you're a flash in the pan fad based upon extreme youth coupled with hyped up pop culture imagery.
What?
Okay, this is getting old. I'll go really, really, really slowly. Like Special Ed, Sesame Street on drugs playing at half speed slow, okay?
Huh?
<sigh> You're a little kid. You're being made up to look and appear as an adult would. Little kids playing adult games so to speak. You're a gimmick, a catch, a hook. You lack enough natural talent beyond your age to be entertaining.
Wait, you're saying I'm not a hit rapper?
You're a novelty. You're another in a long line of children exploited for entertainment purposes.
Ha! I'm a bad ass little gangsta with power and money and fame.
And bitches?
I got bitches coming out the crapper they want me so bad.
Now you see, when someone like Snoop Doggy Dog says that sort of thing in that dangerous kind of voice it's almost serious and people want to be like him, because it's easy to imaging that someone with that much power, money, fame and influence can get away with all that stuff.
Just like me.
No, when you say it it's scarily cute. Mostly it's because your voice hasn't dropped and no one with a voice that squeaky sounds intimidating. People look at you like a little boy playing a game and go "Aaawah, that's cute". The only ones to take you seriously are kids who are stupid enough to believe that little "Power, fame, money" routine when it spills past your lips.
It is not, I'm an original.
Original copy of someone bigger and older and far more established than you.
S-s-so? What's that got to do with it?
Quiet a bit. The last time anything like you was attempted it went badly.
What do you mean?
Ever hear of Crisscross?
Huh?
Like you they had a self titled song, bad hair and an image of being dangerous which was made playful because neither member of the, ahem, "band" had reached puberty. The only real difference between them and you was that they tried to be mildly original, rather than relying on an established image.
What-
They tried to make it with their pants on backwards.
You know how disgusting that sounds coming from you?
That was their gimmick, backwards pants. Now no one remembers them.
Yeah, well, I'm nothing like them.
No, like I said you're based on an existing successful gimmick.
I'm a talented rapper and actor in my own right.
You have novelty value, that's all.
It is not.
You're right, there's the eye candy value of the scantily clad, beautiful women who gyrate in you music videos.
But, they like me.
If they do that's a matter for the law. Not that it isn't really disgusting in the mean time.
But - but - I've been in a movie.
Many children have been in many movies.
Not like me.
Don't make me go there.
Why not? Afraid?
Only of what will happen to your fragile little mind.
Liar.
Halley Mills.
Who?
Exactly, but I suppose the reference is a bit beyond you. Danny Bonaduchi then.
The old guy on the radio? What about him?
Child actor.
Uh, so?
Then how about those Brady Bunch kids?
What about them?
What were the names of the actors?
Well, uh, there was, uh, wasn't one of them, uh, Jimmy something?
If it was Jimmy something he could crack corn and still no one could remember him. But are you beginning to see my point?
Uh, no.
Right, time for the heavy artillery then. Cory Feldman.
Never heard of him -
- In the last ten years, and with good reason. You do realize that you're just making my point for me.
I am not. I'm famous, rich and powerful and always will be and you're just jealous of that.
Fine. Don't say I didn't try to warn you. And at least I'll put you out of your misery.
For what?
This. Macauly Culkin.
NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
<THWACK>
<Intro Voice>
And so Grey marches off into the sunset, swinging The Mighty Trout high, sure to encounter stupidity again!
What was that? But we're done here.
No I am not going to apologize to France.
Because I didn't mean anything by it.
And besides, if we start apologizing to the French because they're French then we'll have to start apologizing to the Americans because they have more Thwackable idiots in front of the cameras. It's not our fault, it's just the way things are.
Fine, cut my pay, I don't make enough for that to be a threat.
What? A raise? Just so it can be cut? Yeah, real mature.
Chowderheads.
<End Intro Voice>
