<Intro Voice>
Once again we join that pathetic piece of human refuse known as Grey . . .
I know that sounds a bit harsh but since the Jennifer Garner incident last week he's really been down. So I'm kicking him. Hard and repeatedly.
Now I know what many of you are going to say, "But we like Grey, sort of, he's good and thwacks the stupid, he shouldn't be kicked when he's down."
To which I say: But it's fun.
No, really it is. He's just lying there in a foetal ball hardly doing anything except moan on occasion and it's just so inviting to haul back and let him have it.
What?
Anyway, somewhere in Italy . . .
<End Intro Voice>
Leonardo DiCaprio?
Huh, what? Who are you and what are you doing here?
I'm Grey, this is The Mighty Trout, and I'm here for you.
What? Oh, this again. Well, at least you didn't try to dress up for me like all those other weirdoes.
Huh?
You know, all those other gay guys trying to score with me just so they can prove that I'm gay and sell their story for millions.
They do?
Sometimes, yeah. It's been a while since anyone tried that though. And none of them were dressed as badly as you.
Oh - Hey!
I mean most of them tried tight clothing, lots of colours, you're just dressed up in old dirty rags.
These aren't rags, these are the best clothes I had in this shade.
What shade? Jogging-in-the-smog?
No! It's grey, like me.
So you're one of the ones who dress like their name. Right, I think I get it now.
No you don't! Well, I do dress like my name, but it's a costuming thing.
Yeah, I understand that too. But to be honest they guy dressed up like a French version of Barbra Streisand had a better chance than you.
But - French version of Barbra Streisand?
Sorry, I'm not gay, and I'm not going to sleep with you.
Good!
In fact, I'm going to prove to you here and now just how not gay I am.
No! You don't need to do that!
Yes I do. Look, you see this? Hey, pretty girl!
Yes - You're Leonardo DiCaprio aren't you?
That's right. Want to have sex?
Uh, you don't have to -
Aren't you gay?
I can prove I'm not at 4pm in my hotel suite if you want.
Sure!
Now see here, I'm not -
Hey, beautiful woman!
Yes?
You know I find this to be rather painful personally due to -
I'm Leonardo DiCaprio, want to have dinner and sex with me?
Sure. But aren't you gay? Oh wait, I suppose I'll find out for myself.
You go that right! Hey not so pretty lady, doing anything this evening?
No, why?
I'm Leonardo DiCaprio and I want to do you this evening!
All right!
Okay stop!
Have I proven I'm not gay?
I don't care if you're gay or not!
You there, sweet looking girl -
Stop! I don't need this! Just last week I tried to ask Jennifer Garner out and got nowhere so this is particularly painful for me to watch right now!
Jennifer Garner?
Yes.
I worked with her on a movie once.
I know, I know. I suppose you slept with her too.
No.
No?
Well, I may want to prove that I'm not gay, but I have a standing policy of not sleeping with people - I mean women that I'm working with, it just complicates things.
Sensible.
Yeah, and if I started doing that sort of thing it would be like I was trying too hard to prove that I wasn't gay.
Right. Look, I'm not here because of your sexual orientation.
You're not?
No, I'm here because of your crappy movies.
But I've proven that I'm not gay, right?
Oh son of a . . . Yes you've proven you're not gay!
Good. It's all I wanted.
Yeah well I've got business with you over those cruddy movies you made.
Oh. There was just that one, and it's sort of got the usual musketeers curse, plus some of those guys were really French. No one told me about that.
I'm not just talking about that half assed man in the iron mask thing you did.
But it's the only bad movie I've ever done. Of course if you tell anyone I said that then I'll sue your ass off.
That was a poor choice of words.
Yes it was. Can we move on now?
I'm here because all your movies are appallingly bad.
How appallingly bad?
"Titanic" is virtually a war crime, the one set in New York with the old gangs is painful and that island thingy actually had me rooting for the vicious alien predators.
There were no vicious alien predators in that movie though.
That was part of the problem. As bad and completely incorrect as it was "Starship Troopers" at least gave us the satisfaction of seeing many arrogant, pretty faces torn off of mind numbingly beautiful bodies. A few giant bugs running around the Titanic would have made some of the movie bearable.
What about me?
You weren't suitably mangled.
I died.
You didn't die horribly enough.
I froze to death in the Atlantic!
You bored to death nine tenths of the audience by taking fifteen minutes too long to die.
I don't have to stay here and take this.
And I don't have to delay any longer!
Wait! What are you doing?
I'm going to Thwack you with The Mighty Trout. And no, that is not a homosexual reference.
Not the face!
This goes across the back of your head. As long as your face is firmly attached to your skull there's no danger.
You're sure?
Just ask Michael Jackson.
Why?
<THWACK>
Oops, forgot to answer him. Oh well.
<Intro Voice>
I don't see what is so wrong?!
Why is everyone glaring at me like that?
It's not just petty revenge for Grey ruining my plans for fame, fortune and babes!
It isn't!
I just see kicking Grey when he's down as one of the few, meagre perks of my job!
Oh fine, be that way.
And so Grey waddles off into the sunset, swinging The Mighty Trout high, sure to encounter stupidity again!
<End Intro Voice>
