<Intro Voice>
Well, uh, I'm not really allowed to say much here.
Uh, Grey is, well, kind of still mad at me, after last week and all. And he's not terribly happy with Blackbird at the moment.
So, uh, well.
Somewhere in Boston . . .
<End Intro Voice>
Jon Bon Jovi?
No.
Prep - Wait? No?
No.
You're not Jon Bon Jovi, crap music guy and wannabe actor?
Not quiet.
Then who are you?
Lord Jonathan Bonsicitu Jovinowow.
That's your full name?
Well, kinda.
Since when?
Since I was made a lord.
And when did that happen?
Well, uh, I guess it hasn't.
So you're not Lord Jonathon Bonsickity Jovinit.
No, it's Lord Jonathon Bon-
Whatever! The point is that is not at this time your real name or title.
No.
Right, so at this point in time you are Jon Bon Jovi, crap musician and wannabe actor. Also crap at that last one.
I don't think I'm crap.
Your mother says you're cool, too, huh?
Yes, and her opinion matters.
I'm sure it does. So Jon Bon Jovi -
May I ask who you are?
I'm Grey, and this is The Mighty Trout.
Gray?
No, Grey.
Gray like the color?
Grey. The British English version.
Oh. I'm used to the American version.
Right, like that matters. Anyway, I'm here to -
Wait, aren't if you're called Grey why are you dressed in those clothes?
I'm sort of an agent of vengeance.
So why are you wearing blue, green, purple and orange? Shouldn't you be wearing gray, like your name?
I used to, but people kept asking me why I did that and telling me it looked stupid. So I decided to try for a different look this time.
By looking like a fragment of a rainbow?
Only because grey and either black or blue is too much like Batman. Green Lantern, Green Arrow and the Hulk have all monopolised standard green, and there's no way I want to be associated with one of those last two. Three primary colours get you labelled a Superman rip and choosing just one colour other than grey would still saddle me with those damn questions again. Besides, I've got a little blank spot of grey on my chest, just where my symbol would go. If I had a symbol other than grey of course.
Do you know you're nuts?
Do you know how annoying you are?
No. Uh, that is to say that I'm not annoying.
I think you were right the first time.
Look, I'm powerful, famous, popular actor -
Ahem.
Uh, I'm a powerful, famous, popular musi -
Not quite.
I'm a famous, popular -
Nope, not that either.
What about my hot body?
Put that shirt back on!
Hey, I don't have to put up with this you know. I do good music and I act.
Just like that time you were a cowboy?
Where did you find out about - That was just one song, you're taking it out of context.
I'm pretty sure you would have been less annoying as a cowboy. Or at least not as widely spread.
Why are you picking on me?
Because you're a hack actor and loser musician who's taken to appearing at political rallies to boost your exposure.
Hey, I have genuine political beliefs.
I don't care, you're just letting politicians use you to boost their own agendas and foul schemes.
Ah, but I'm also using them!
That's not better! Letting politicians use you so you can use them to remind people that you're alive and on a stage is no excuse, especially in your case.
Why are you doing this to me, anyway? Why are you singling me out? What about Bruce Springsteen, he's doing the same thing.
No, Bruce Springsteen has long been active in political circles. It's annoying but it's in character. Besides, there are a few critical differences between Springsteen and yourself.
Like what?
First of all he has talent and knows how to use it. You lack both. Secondly, he's one of the few people to do a song in reaction to the whole September 11 thing that didn't suck, sound preachy, form the basis of a cheap comeback or play on emotions just to sell an entire CD of crappy music. And most importantly he's Bruce Springsteen. He's good and rightly famous for it.
Hey, I'm famous.
Not in a good way.
Oh yeah, what about those movies I've been in?
Like that crappy vampire one?
Uh, there have been others.
With someone like Jennifer Aniston.
Well, then there have been my other acting, uh, bits.
Ally McBeal?
What was wrong with that?
It didn't help Callista Flockhart stay famous and she was the star of the show.
That was nothing more than a stepping-stone for me!
In which direction?
Up of course.
As can be seen by the fact that your only noticeable blip on the media radar is appearing at a political rally of some sort. Who was it now? I know it was either Kerry or Bush. Can't really remember which one. Ah hell, they're both the same anyway, who cares.
Actually there are a few key differences -
Not really. The point is that you're not doing it because you believe in change, in present policies, the guy in the suit behind the desk or even the office itself. You're just out to promote yourself as high as possible.
What's wrong with that?
Nothing, if it's with your own natural abilities and talents.
Hey, I sing and act.
You attempt to sing and act. If you were any good at either then you wouldn't keep bouncing from one to the other.
I'm just diverse.
You're just using diverse as an excuse for not being able to flourish anywhere.
Oh yeah? So what are you? You're a multicolored freak who can't seem to go anywhere without his security fish.
I explained the costume already.
Oh, sure, right, you're a guy named after a color who doesn't bother to wear that color. Makes perfect sense to me.
I don't need this.
Well neither do I. I am famous. I've been famous and popular since the eighties!
You mean the era of bad hair, don't you?
What?
I have a long memory, I know there once was a time when you looked like your hair was wearing you.
Uh, I was young, it was all just a crazy mistake!
Not your first, not your last. Do you know why I'm here? I'm here because you've been an idiot. You annoy people and show no signs of stopping. I'm here to give you what you deserve.
Oh, I get it now. Uh, sorry mister producer, sir. What do you need of me? Acting? Music? I did the acting thing real good. I was on that TV series with that giant stick insect, remember?
I'm not a producer.
But you said you were here to give me what I deserve.
<THWACK>
<Intro Voice>
Uh, now?
<End Intro Voice>
Yes, now.
<Intro Voice>
And so Grey leaves Bon Jovi where he falls and marches off into the sunset, swinging The Mighty Trout high, sure to encounter stupidity, and a degree of forgiveness for his not so little helpers, again!
<End Intro Voice>
