<Intro Voice>
As Grey continues to redecorate he has entered a cycle:
Move stuff, get tired, curse, move more stuff, curse the fact that he can't tell if it looks any better, curse, cry, leave.
And this is one of his longer bouts of leaving so he figured he's Thwack someone while he was at it.
Trust me, Grey is not interior decorator. For a while he was doing everything in grey, because he lacks originality, and because it was a cave no one could see anything. Blackbird tripped over the same couch five times in an hour. Did no one teach this man the value of lighting?!?!
And now, somewhere in California . . .
<End Intro Voice>
Aha! Halle Berry, right where I thought you'd be!
Oh great another Catwoman Fanboy who hopes to impress me by dressing up as a superhero.
I - uh, what?
So who are you supposed to be? An Adam West Batman without the blue trim and a bigger beer gut?
Hey, I try to stay in shape, it's hard to get healthy food when you're constantly on the move.
Yeah, well, I don't care. If it's supposed to be anyone else it's lame. You didn't even try to get the primary colours of Superman, and I'm pretty sure that none of the X-Men wore capes. Even then the comics have them in more than one colour.
I'm Grey.
Jean Gray is a trim female character with telepathic powers and no cape. I should know, one tried to act beside me. Poor dear, I hope she's not too badly crushed.
Not Jean Gray, just Grey! Grey and The Mighty Trout!
Okay, I'll play along, just tell me, are you supposed to be DC or Marvel?
I'm not either! I'm not a sad desperate fanboy, I'm a sad desperate guy who runs around hitting stupid people with a fish! Oh man I'm depressed now.
You do what?
I hit people with The Mighty Trout.
Oh, you.
You've heard of me?
This is about the Oscar isn't it?
What?
That night I won the Oscar.
What about it?
Everyone keeps saying that Denzel Washington and I only got Oscars so it could be a night when two African Americans simultaneously won Best Actor and Best Actress.
Oh, that. First of all, no one is saying that Denzel won out of tokenism.
What do you mean they're not? They say it about me all the time.
Yeah, there's a reason for that. Okay this is a contentious issue, however you'll find that the only thing everyone can agree on is that there was a crime committed, and that was how long it took for Denzel to get the statuette.
What about how long it took me to be recognised?
What? I've been told that you didn't completely suck in that movie you won the Oscar for. Hell, if Nicholas Cage and Cher can win Oscars it's not completely out of the realm of possibility that you can too.
Hey, I'm the single most talented black actress in the world today.
Yeah, but that's because actresses in general are chosen for their looks first, talent fourth. Second and third don't bear going into at this point. And let's face it, your only competition as a black actress are Oprah Winfrey and a couple of those Cosby kids who had the misfortune to grow up. Secondly it's been years, get over the Oscar thing, you've got one, be happy, most Oscar winners aren't remembered unless it's plastered all over their latest movie posters. And I've noticed that you've learned that trick.
There's no trick to people wanting to see an award-winning actress.
Although there is a trick to choosing scripts.
What's that supposed to mean?
So in "Gothika" did they lock you in a real mental institution? And if so why did they let you out.
Well you see I had this stamp on my hand and - Hey! I was never locked up!
So all the doors were left unlocked?
Yes.
Until now I was assuming your freedom was based on your cunning, instead it looks like we can blame the people with the keys.
At least I can pick out my own clothes.
I pick out my own clothes.
Keanu Reeves has more style than you.
Ow! Wait a minute, how you say that? I've seen the Catwoman costume you wear.
What's wrong with that?
There's certainly nothing right about it.
Oh I see, this really is about race.
How?
You're just upset that a black woman is playing a superhero.
No I'm not.
Yes you are, otherwise you wouldn't be so upset that I've taken over from blonde little Michelle.
Okay, in case you haven't noticed I'm pretty damn angry that there are so few decent actresses, irrelevant of skin colour or anything like that. I think movies in general would get a huge boost if talent were given precedence over celebrity status and physical beauty. The reason everyone thinks that race was an issue with your Oscar is because there are very few black actresses with talent allowed anywhere near a major film and those that are out there look like they started out as backup dancers wearing next to nothing in a music video, and even that was a stretch for their acting talents!
So, uh, okay, I believe it's not about race then.
Finally.
Well then why are you after me like this? Shouldn't you be on my side against everyone who says I don't deserve an Oscar?
I would, if you were actually doing anything worthwhile, but you're not, you're doing crappy star vehicles like "Catwoman".
What's wrong with "Catwoman"? My performance is excellent.
I couldn't tell. All I saw was a costume that looked like the result of someone running with scissors in a leather shop.
Oh come on, do you remember Michelle Pfeiffer's outfit?
The Catwoman costume in the second Batman movie may have been skin tight, but it left far more to the imagination than what you were wearing. Add to that Catwoman wasn't the focus, she was a character in an actual story, the movie had a plotline, supporting characters of interest, and most importantly something else your version lacked.
Which was?
Entertainment.
I am a far superior Catwoman to Michelle Pfeiffer.
No you're not.
I am so!
You're not Julie Newmarr.
I'm better, honest!
You're not even Eartha Kitt!
It wasn't that bad.
And you're certainly not Lee Meriweather.
What did I do that was so wrong?
You dug up Sharon Stone!
It wasn't that bad!
An Oscar does not give you the magical ability to turn every movie you touch into gold!
Yes it does!
You were a Bond girl!
I was young and needed the money!
It was at the nearest thing your career has had to a peak! Shesh, I don't know why you're getting so worked up. I don't think anyone's ever had an Oscar taken away for being in a bad movie. Besides, you've still got a better career than most actresses have managed. You probably deserve an Oscar for that.
So you'll leave me alone?
No, you still did Catwoman.
Just you watch, I'll be starring in the, uh, remake of Godzilla and it'll be brilliant.
They've remade Godzilla already. It wasn't bad but it wasn't brilliant either.
I'll be there, and it'll be great! It'll mean another Oscar for me, that'll show everyone, I'll be immune to criticism and mockery, that'll show them all!
<THWACK>
<Intro Voice>
I probably wouldn't be so upset if they had just asked for my advice and considered it. Instead they just would not let me in at all.
I saw them making bad decision after bad decision, I could have helped, would they consider me, nooooo. I'm just the guy who keeps getting them into deeper and deeper water.
Just because I hijacked one episode.
It was so just one episode. I shanghaied the one with Simon Calwell.
Oh yeah, Grey's off into the sunset, Mighty Trout held high, sure to encounter stupidity again, and definitely going to hang paisley drapes somewhere at some point rather than going with a few tasteful lamps.
<End Intro Voice>
