<Intro Voice>
Well when last we left that half-witted Thwacker known as Grey he was trying, yes, trying, to thwack Steven Spielberg. Should have been simple really, find a director, do the Trout thing, and off into the sunset, yadda, yadda.
Not this time.
Spielberg ran for it. And Grey, Mighty Twit that he is, hadn't learnt anything from the whole Binks experience. So now he's giving chase to that rascally director.
You know if this takes a while I could -
Fine, none of that then.
And now, somewhere in Tunisia . . .
<End Intro Voice>
Hey, have you seen a director run by here?
Yes, yes I have.
Did he have a beard and an E.T. movie baseball cap?
Yes.
Was he Steven Spielberg?
Hey, how did you know my good friend Steven came by here?
Good friend?
Yeah, he worked with me on a few movies a couple of years back.
Hey, you're George Lucas aren't you?
That's me.
You bastard!
What?
You're the money grubbing, mass merchandising, franchise-ruining hack who unleashed Jar Jar Binks on the world!
Oh, that. Look, there's a line outside my office for people like you.
The one with the guy at the end holding a ticket with the number 214?
That's the one.
The office that's currently serving number 45?
Look, I'm dealing with everyone individually, okay. I don't know of any other directors who are this patient or fair with their loyal fans.
The office is empty except for a pair of faeces throwing monkeys.
It's a better answer than the one Stanley Kubric used to give.
Be that as it may you're still one of the most evil and stupid men on this planet. Uh, that I haven't talked to yet.
What do you mean?
I'm after that rat Steven Spielberg because of all the rotten movies and crappy remakes of his old movies that he's been doing lately.
So?
I think that's a good reason to see to you while I'm at it.
Huh?
You're George Lucas-
That's Lord George Lucas.
Lord? You're not English, you can't be knighted.
I know, but I figured, what the hell, may as well start people getting used to it now.
What?
Let's be honest here, once I've gotten the final Star Wars movie out there I'll pretty much be a god on Earth.
How do you figure that?
Simple, the Star Wars movies are great movies. Everyone likes them, everyone likes me and from there I think it's all very self-explanatory.
No it isn't.
Yes it is. I deserve to be worshiped. I put out nine spectacularly great and popular movies in one lifetime. Who else has managed to accomplish so much?
Nine movies? I thought you were only screwing up the first two trilogies.
I figure that the remakes of Episodes Four through Six should count as separate movies what with all the effort that went into them.
You're as bad as Spielberg.
By that you mean bad as good, right?
No I mean stinking rotten bad, screw up movie director who's come damn close to destroying Star Wars.
What did I do?
Jar Jar Binks.
There wasn't that much of him in the "Attack of the Clones".
No, but the fact he was introduced at all was too much. And that title, how the hell did you come up with that for a title.
Steven thought it sounded good.
Steven thought replacing guns with walkie-talkies was a good idea.
Yeah, I wasn't too sure but it turned out for the best in the end.
What? No it didn't, E.T.'s been ruined.
I didn't mean E.T., I meant swapping all the guns in "Attack of the Clones" for space age, futuristic walkie-talkies.
What?
Look closely and you'll see that every clone trooper has a walkie-talkie instead of a gun.
You bastard.
Oh come on, it's not like anyone can really tell.
Now I know! You've done the impossible.
I know I'm great.
No, you've done the impossible by making that movie worse for me than before.
What was so bad about "Attack of the Clones" anyway?
How about the young Darth Vader being nothing more than a snively, lovesick adolescent?
Name me one adolescent that isn't snively or lovesick.
Well, okay you've got a point there. That doesn't excuse the amount of time you spent focusing on him. What about plot, or at least action.
There was that Yoda scene at the end.
Do you hear anyone complaining about the Yoda scene?
No.
That's because it was good. The movie would have been far better with more stuff like that and less of the mushy, senseless stuff.
Hey, studies show it locked up the young adult female audience.
That's another thing about the movies. You've taken a bunch of really good, really fun science fiction movies and turned them into little more than marketing gimmicks.
Come on, I'm not the only one who does it.
You're the only one who does it so thoroughly.
Look, every action adventure movie these days has some merchandising. There's nothing wrong with a few action figures and tee shirts.
And coffee mugs.
And coffee mugs.
And bed sheets.
Those too.
And inflatable Queen Amidala chairs.
And inflatable Queen Amidala chairs. Why are you looking at me like that?
Inflatable Amidala chairs?
What?
Oh come on, you know how suggestive that sounds. You know how cheesy that is.
There were inflatable Darth Maul chairs as well.
That's not better!
So what are you going to do about it?
The same thing I'm going to do to Steven Spielberg when I get my hands on him.
What's that?
Thwack him with The Mighty Trout.
Wait, you're the nut with the fish?
Nice to know some word about me is getting around. Even if it is just this. So who told you, Spielberg?
No, James Cameron warned me about you.
What's James Cameron got to do with this?
Uhhh, nothing, nothing at all. No, I never once mentioned James Cameron.
Okay, now I'm suspicious.
And I'm out of here!
Hey, wait!
No chance!
Dammit! What is it about directors that makes them so fast?
<Intro Voice>
Okay, let's stop right there with Grey running off into the Sunset, Mighty Trout held high as George Lucas manages to pull away fairly quickly.
Great, so now he's chasing after two of them.
You're sure you don't want me to . . .
No?
All right.
So come along next time and try to find out if Grey actually manages to catch anyone.
Actually, anyone know of a good trainer? Or perhaps a moped, I don't trust Grey with a full sized vehicle.
<End Intro Voice>
