<Intro Voice>
I can't believe we're doing this.
No, that's not going to stop me, this is just going to be really interesting.
I'm just saying.
And now, somewhere in orbit . . .
<End Intro Voice>
<beep> Grey to base. Over.<beep>
Base here, Grey. Blackbird hears you. What have you got? Over.<beep>
What I've got looks a hell of a lot like what we're looking for. Over.<beep>
Base to Grey, you said that about the last three. So far all we've uncovered is a secret Russian Orbital Nuclear Missile Platform, a secret American Orbital Nuclear Missile Platform and the secret source of Hugh Hefner's ability to keep partying. Over.<beep>
Don't remind me. And besides, I wasn't wrong, I just wasn't right. Over.<beep>
That's the same thing as being wrong. Over.<beep>
Look Blackbird, I didn't hear you volunteering to come up here and hunt down Gene Roddenberry's remains. Blackbird? Base? Anyone? Where are you?<beep>
You're supposed to say over, idiot. Over.<beep>
Right, right, right. You and that "I could have been an astronaut" thing. Over.<beep>
I could so have been an astronaut! I just had bad lungs. And weak knees. And a few other things, but I had what was most important, I had heart. Do you know how much most astronauts would give to have this much heart? Plenty, I'll tell you. Most astronauts, sure they have the skills, the ability and the knowledge but most of them are just dull cardboard cutouts compared to me. In fact it's more than heart, it's about personality too. And politics. Ooohh so much politics. There's always got to be enough black guys, women and people who know what they're doing. And if there just happens to be a black female with a degree of any sort, well of course she's going to get a slot on the mission over the pasty little guy who kept opening the airlock in simulations. They were just simulations! And of course they've got to have an engineer who has solutions to problems other than hitting things with giant space hammers. Oh and pilots. Of course we've got to have pilots on the space mission. It's all a popularity contest. Everyone likes the pilots, and they guy who always bought along a batch of his chocolate fudge cookies! That's why I'm not up there on a space shuttle or a space station, or anyone's secret nuclear doomsday device! They just didn't like the competition! Over.<beep>
Uh, Base, can we give up on the "Over" thing. Because if we don't the next one of us to go off on a rant probably won't stop until I run out of air.<beep>
I don't know, I think you'd go on for at least a good twenty, twenty-five minutes before lack of air slowed you down.<beep>
Thanks so much for your faith in me.<beep>
Yeah well what makes you so sure you've got the right thing this time.<beep>
It looks exactly like a scale model of the Enterpirse.<beep>
Which one?<beep>
What do you mean which one? It's Gene Roddenberry, it's the original style Enterprise.<beep>
The original, or the original original?<beep>
I knew I shouldn't have gotten another Star Trek geek in on this.<beep>
Would you rather have Bruce Campbell?<beep>
Beginning to head that way.<beep>
Yeah well you needed at least one more Trekkie or else we'd never find where Gene Roddenberry's remains were.<beep>
There were two of us, we would have come close.<beep>
Can we just get on with it?<beep>
Fine. I'm closing in on the, uh, thing.<beep>
Coffin?<beep>
Sort of. I thought Roddenberry had been cremated.<beep>
You hear a lot of things about Roddenberry's remains. There's even someone out there who claims that they have Roddenberry's remains mummified and looking like a Klingon.<beep>
That's just sad. It's you isn't it?<beep>
Thanks a lot Grey. And someone who spent the last three days sewing a space suit for a Mighty Trout just so he could go up into orbit and Thwack Gene Roddenberry because someone requested it is in no position to comment on being sad.<beep>
This is dedication to duty. Now, I'm in contact with the, uh, thing. I'm looking for a hatch or seal. I think I found it. It looks like a simple digital pad. Are you any good with codes.<beep>
Try one-seven-zero-one.<beep>
The registry number of the original Starship Enterprise, of course!<beep>
Grey, it's sad that we know that, isn't it?<beep>
Yes Blackbird. Yes it is. I think I've gotten it open.<beep>
Can you see anything?<beep>
Not quiet, but it has to bee the final resting place of Gene Roddenberry. Who else could pull this off?<beep>
Percy Danderfield.<beep>
Who?<beep>
Percy Danderfield. He was this rich eccentric Trekkie who was absolutely obsessed with Star Trek. Rumour has it he was so obsessed that he bought Gene Roddenberry's remains somehow, maybe even had them stolen, and kept hem with him at all times.<beep>
So why would this thing be his? Giving Roddenberry the send off he wanted?<beep>
No, Danderfield died leaving no heirs.<beep>
How rich was he?<beep>
He got away with parking tickets, harassments suits and one in every three murders.<beep>
Wow. And he had no heirs whatsoever?<beep>
None.<beep>
No wife?<beep>
Nope.<beep>
Not even a trophy wife?<beep>
No.<beep>
What about a heartless gold digging wife?<beep>
None of them could stand him.<beep>
Blackbird we gotta stop watching Star Trek and get a life.<beep>
Speak for yourself Troutboy.<beep>
<sigh> Fine, I'm opening it up. I'm rummaging around. Uh oh.<beep>
What?<beep>
No Gene Roddenberry.<beep>
You're sure?<beep>
Pretty sure. Uh, what did this nutcase Trekkie look like?<beep>
Short, overweight, bad skin, bad hair and glasses. A bit like you really.<beep>
Thanks. Can you be more specific?<beep>
Solid gold teeth.<beep>
Oh no. We've found him. Danderfield that is.<beep>
That's not so bad.<beep>
You don't have to look at him.<beep>
Yeah, but he's dead. Right? He is dead isn't he Grey? Please say he's dead, I've seen too many bad Zombie movies this month to hear otherwise.<beep>
He's not a zombie.<beep>
That's not the same as not being dead.<beep>
No, no it's not.<beep>
He's alive? How?<beep>
I don't know. He was rich, maybe he was even rich enough to temporarily cheat death.<beep>
No, what is he doing? Is he moving about in a habitat, is he wearing a space suit or is he in some sort of suspended animation?<beep>
He's waving at me.<beep>
From a habitat or in a space suit?<beep>
Neither, he's just sitting there in normal clothes waving at me.<beep>
You're sure? That doesn't make sense.<beep>
Worse yet it looks like he's had bad plastic surgery to look like Gene Roddenberry.<beep>
You're sure that it's just not Gene Roddenberry?<beep>
Gene Roddenberry wouldn't have a gold plated portrait of himself as a Klingon on his nightstand. At least I don't think he would.<beep>
Good point.<beep>
Wait, I see - Oh no.<beep>
What?<beep>
I think he's wearing Gene Roddenberry's remains.<beep>
You're kidding.<beep>
No. No I'm not. However it does make this easier. You moron, you need a life, uh, in the figurative sense. Dedicating yourself to a TV show like this, it's just stupid, it's moronic!<beep>
<THWACK>
<Intro Voice>
Okay, let the critiquing begin.
First of all: How the fleeping hell did Grey get into space?!?!?!
Since when do we have the kind of budget that allows for this sort of thing? Last I checked we didn't have enough money for fresh coffee, let alone a space flight.
Secondly, how was he supposed to Thwack someone in orbit? There's no gravity, so every action has an equal and opposite reaction. I don't care how Mighty that Trout is, he's in trouble.
And why were they doing this?
What? Shut up? Again? Fine, but I won't be the only one demanding answers on this.
What?
They did it because of all the cruddy Roddenberry related TV series?
That explains one of the least important factors of this episode.
"Quantum-Giga-Tetra-Quasispace Quark Induced Inversion of the Local Reality Nexus stimulated by the muon frequency"?
You know what, I'm just going to blame this one on Star Trek.
<End Intro Voice>
