<Intro Voice>
When last we left Grey was doing his thing with Blackbird in tow, ready to prevent our hero from doing something stupid . . . if not entirely undeserved.
Oh come on, we're all thinking it!
And, uh, There was Bruce Campbell, hanging around, kind of worried really . . .
Well, doesn't look like he's here now.
So, now, somewhere in Colorado . . .
<End Intro Voice>
Gimme my money!
I love it when it starts early.
Grey, remember, stick to the formula or I'll have to stop you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know -
Where's that money I was promised?
What money?
The lure, remember? It's how we got all of them here with a relative minimum of fuss. Basically I wanted to prove that greed has always been your main motivation for pretty much everything.
Did you give them any other opportunity for motivation?
Uh . . . no. Why?
Grey you haven't proven a thing. You offered them money, of course they came.
Fine then.
What are you two jabbering about?
This is Grey, that's The Mighty Trout. I'm Blackbird.
So?
I thwack stupid people.
So?
I love it when they're ignorant. You're stupid.
How dare you say that! That's slander, I'm sure! Just let me check with my lawyer and I'll sue!
Thank you for proving my point.
What? Just because I want to defend myself in the legal arena I'm stupid?
That your instinctive reaction over the smallest of slights is to sue means that you're stupid. It's people like you that keep the legions of lawyers going.
Then how am I supposed to defend myself, to look after my rights? Is violence the answer?
What happened to just turning the other cheek?
That is no way to make sure that people leave you in peace.
Oh, sure, having the whole world afraid of being sued is a great way to exist!
What did I do that was so wrong?
You sued two girls because they were going to give you a surprise gift of cookies.
I didn't know that, for all I knew they were terrorists looking to have their wicked way with me.
What the - Terrorists looking to have their - That doesn't make sense!
And just why not?
Because Terrorists aren't known for doing that sort of thing.
So what? I'm not desirable as a woman to terrorists?
No!
That's slander again! That is a marked insult! I am suing!
That's your reflex reaction to everything isn't it?
There is nothing wrong with looking out for your own interests and defending your rights.
By suing everyone?
It's the only way they'll learn.
And if they were terrorists?
Terrorists have to respect the rule of law.
That is just plain moronic. Besides, how could you mistake two girls for terrorists?
Look at them, they've got foreign names!
Zellitti and Ostergaard?
Yeah, do those sound like good, honest names or do they sound like they come from some crazy country?
Well, Ostergaard does sound like it comes from the Netherlands. And they do have Amsterdam . . .
That isn't a good reason and you both know it! You just sued two girls trying to do something nice for a dried up old bag!
That's right, keep it coming, at this rate I'll hardly have to present any evidence at the slander trial. And I'm going to launch another lawsuit at you because of your clothes.
What's wrong with the way I'm dressed?
Monotone? Please, tell me you aren't attempting to insult every tasteful person in the world?
So you're going to sue me based upon how I'm dressed.
That's right, and people will thank me, because I not only set a precedent but I laid down the law at the feet of those who thought to cross me and the law will win out.
What law? The only people who win here are lawyers.
We'll see about that, now you've given me something else to sue over.
What? What did I say?
You implied that I could not win my battles, therefore you've implied I am weak. This is slander, this is falsehood and it is a threat -
<THWACK>
I'm surprised you waited that long.
I had to wait, where are the others?
I don't know, we sent out all the invites. "Come here and get free money" should have gotten more than one response. Actually it could have gotten a complete response if someone hadn't added "you stupid, lawsuit crazy whacko". Do you know how many subpoenas there are probably going to be in the mail?
Don't worry, I gave them Bill Gates' address.
Oh, that's evil.
It's certainly not stupid. All the same I was hoping that more would turn up. That nutcase who sued the restaurant for slipping wine that she had spilled there, the moron who cut himself while breaking and entering, I was looking forward to an entire afternoon of thwacking there were so many. Where are these dolts?
Did they look anything like that?
An ocean of suits? No.
Then I think they sent representatives.
Oh no, you don't think they're all going to take some sort of pre-emptive legal action do you?
If they did I'm turning witness for the prosecution, no way am I getting mixed up in this!
Thanks a lot.
Wait a minute, this doesn't look good.
What now?
Those lawyers, don't they look a little, uh, decomposed to you?
I don't know, they seem healthy enough for lawyers. Except for the lack of a fake tan.
Grey, listen to them.
BRAINS!
Oh no, zombie lawyers.
LITIGATE!
RAAARRRRGGH!
BRAINS!
I hate to say it but we could really use B -
If you really hate to say it then don't say it, just fight!
With what? We need chainsaws and shotguns!
And possibly something that could stop lawyers!
APPEAL!
Isn't The Mighty Trout any use here?
The Mighty Trout is only effective against the stupid. Live lawyers barely have the brain capacity to qualify, these guys don't!
Then what stops lawyers? What stops zombie lawyers that we have on hand?
I don't know!
Wait, a chainsaw!
Where?
BRAINS!
OBJECTION!
Right here. It's got fuel.
Quick, use it!
There's a shotgun and another chainsaw!
I'll take those, you get to work.
How are we going to get out of this?
Through them!
Grey, I don't feel right. Even though they're zombies I don't think I can hack apart anything with a chainsaw.
Blackbird, remember, these are lawyers.
Right.
<BBBUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ>
<Intro Voice>
And so Grey and Blackbird steadily hack and blast their way through the swarm of zombie lawyers, sure to be sleeping with the lights on tonight!
Come on Bruce I know you're out there.
Bruce?
Come on, no one else would have been able to put those antizombie weapons nearby and made a getaway so stealthily.
Bruce?
Great, now he gets the hint and stays hidden.
<End Intro Voice>
