<Intro Voice>
All I'm saying that if I had been in charge more things would have been painted blue and I wouldn't have cared what anyone read into it.
Oh, uh, and now, somewhere in New York. . .
<End Intro Voice>
Good morning.
Good morning, what do you want?
Are you Calista Flockhart?
Huh, your series gets cancelled and all of a sudden you're forgotten. This is why I got out of California.
Actually, your series is why I'm here.
I knew it, you're here to put Ally McBeal on the big screen.
Uh, no.
You're sure? Only really big important movie producers/directors dress as eccentrically as you do.
No, I don't produce movies.
Just direct then?
No.
Do you at least own a movie studio?
No.
Well, then I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
And I'm going to have to stay for a moment.
You're not one of these sick stalkers are you?
No.
You're sure? I've only had seven. By this point in my career I should have had at least twelve.
Uh, okay. Sorry, but I'm not here to stalk you.
Then why are you here and why don't you go away? I don't need this, my series is cancelled, my career is stalling and off screen Harrison Ford is really unemotional and mumbles in his sleep.
Okay, will you stop talking for a moment?
Are you a rich powerful somebody in the entertainment industry?
No.
Then you really can't tell me what to do one way or another.
But I am here to talk to you.
You're just wasting my time.
As you wasted the time of so many millions of viewers.
And what's that supposed to mean?
Your series, Ally McBeal -
The universally lamented series Ally McBeal.
Universally lamented my left leg. That show was terrible.
Oh yeah, what about our acclaims, our awards, our loyal viewers?
The ones who let you slide into obscurity while the show Jack and Jill, arguably worse if not just as bad was rescued at least once by fans with no sense of taste what so ever?
There, you see, my fans were smart. No, wait, that's not what I meant. Is it?
I don't know what you meant but it certainly sounded right to me.
That's not good.
Not for you. Your series was terrible.
Give me one good reason why?
You gave Jon Bon Jovi further acting credibility.
Oh, uh, well then give me three good reasons other than that.
One, you made a mockery of dating, two you gave the impression that women are nothing more than needy, wussy, childish twits who think of nothing but men, how to get men, especially rich men, more especially rich, good looking men, even more especially rich, good looking men who want to have babies with you. Third, thanks to number two you have personally set women's rights back by three or four decades. Maybe more.
Wow, I didn't think you'd be able to come up with something so quickly.
Unlike some people I tend to think about things.
Hey! And besides, it's not like it was that bad.
All the dithering, fluffing, preening and childishness you and your female cohorts did on that show?
We weren't the only ones. The men were all portrayed as sex obsessed eight year olds who couldn't deal with their own emotions.
All men are portrayed like that on television.
Well, aren't you going to do something about it?
If I could find out the individuals responsible I would, as it is I can only routinely go after writers, directors and producers.
Then you must be busy. So leave me alone.
No, you must be punished.
But I didn't do anything that bad. There were other shows that did everything we did and more to the female image.
You benefited from it more than them.
Then there has to be someone else you can go after?
Yes, and I'll get to them soon enough.
Can't I get rid of you?
No.
I have security agents.
No you don't you have the natural camouflage of being two-dimensional. To anyone without better than average perceptive powers you can just turn on you side and disappear.
How did you know that?
I have better than average perceptive powers. From the first time I saw you in person I realized that you were only two-dimensional.
Why are you hounding me like this?
Because of your terrible, terrible show.
Look, it wasn't that bad.
Have you forgotten everything I just said?
No, I got paid for that.
Oh, I get it now.
It's not just that, it was a television program, it was harmless, completely harmless.
No it wasn't. You made gave the impression that it was possible to find lawyers with integrity!
I - What - But - Oh no.
That's right, because of you more people are willing to tolerate, accept and even listen to lawyers!
But it couldn't have been me alone. LA Law -
Is a half forgotten mistake of the eighties.
But Judge Judy -
Makes Jerry Springer look credible.
Then what about the OJ Simpson Trial?
You've undone the work that did. Though it didn't help keep lawyers off TV, I'll admit.
Then go after -
I will, but for now there's you.
<THWACK>
<Intro Voice>
And so Grey leaves Calista Flockhart to float in the wind - literally, she's like a leaf blowing about there - marching off into the sunset, swinging The Mighty Trout high, sure to encounter stupidity again!
<End Intro Voice>
