<Intro Voice>
Grey, evermore on the prowl, if simply because it means he still doesn't have to look at the repair bill for my car, has pushed himself further a field.
Okay, actually we don't know where he is. It's sunny, it's warm, there's a beach and some blue sky, that's it.
Like I said, he doesn't want to look at the repair bill for my car.
And now, somewhere sunny . . .
<End Intro Voice>
Paging Miss Britney Spears.
What? Since when do we have a paging system in this dump?
Wow if that wasn't incredibly shrill.
Shrill!! Who called my award winning singing voice shrill?
The guy who now wishes he had invested in a decent set of earplugs.
That's not right, you're not my husband.
And for that I am thankful. I am Grey this is The Mighty Trout.
So what? I don't like seafood unless it's in front of a camera.
The Mighty Trout is not for eating.
Then why is it in my presence? I am The Pop Princess and have worked hard for that title. That means I am to be obeyed!
Since when?
Since I pay for everything around here. My talent, my glamour, my fame, everything around here is mine!
Hence the guy you're married to isn't in the building.
Oh he's mine as well, he just keeps thinking he can get away when he wants.
Okay, this officially freaking me out. Can we change the topic, to why I'm here perhaps?
I'm not going to help you with your mundane little problems.
Actually you're mundane little problem.
What?
Less so since you haven't been singing. What with the unsightly bulges -
How dare you! I'm pregnant!
I'm talking about the off camera jiggling prior to your pregnancy.
Those were rumours. Camera failures!
What camera failures? All the digitally enhanced slim shots made you look thin.
I was betrayed by incompetent producers, choreographers and backup dancers!
Reality betrayed you.
The reality is I'm powerful and popular. What are you compared to that?
Neither popularity nor power has actually been much of an issue. A speed bump on occasion but not something that's stopped me entirely. Besides, you're not that popular these days.
What about my legions of adoring fans?
Whittled down to a few brigades of the most delusional fools in existence. Those honeymoon pictures of you with the cigarettes did not impress anyone.
I still hold the peoples interests. As long as I do that I am powerful enough to tell you what to do.
You do know that at one point, when the Spice Girls -
The who?
When the Spice Girls started getting pregnant pretty much all at once there were concerns that young girls would imitate their idols. Thankfully this proved to be a false fear.
So? What does any of that have to do with me?
You notice how no one is even remotely concerned that young girls will be following their idol Britney Spears into parenthood? That's due more to the fact that so few young girls consider Britney Spears to be their idol, rather than a general maturing of parents anywhere.
It's to do with the fact that I am a married woman and nothing like those useless old hags who get knocked up just for attention.
No, you got married for attention first and then got knocked up to try and keep it going. The jury is still out on whether or not it's worked yet.
I should destroy you for saying that.
You won't though. Can't in fact. You're probably finding out only now how much harder it is for you to spread your influence. That's why you and your husband have signed up to host a Reality TV series. It's your last desperate gasp, your final chance to grab some fame while it still lingers.
No, it is not.
You've become the Cher of our time.
Cher's still popular! And an award winning actress!
And when was the last time she guest starred on anything other than Oprah?
Shut up! You don't have a clue, you have no idea what you're talking about. My music is timeless.
Only as a warning to others.
I'm going to make you pay for these gross insults.
How? By talking endlessly?
I still have my secret powers.
Oh God, secret powers again. Everyone everywhere except me has secret powers. Okay, what have you got? Laser eyes? Speed-reading? Lambada lessons?
I have my powers as a seductress!
Your what?
I have the capacity to make any male anywhere instantly fall in love with me and do my bidding.
You do? How does that work?
First of all I bat my eyelids like so.
Eweh, don't do that.
And I shake my hips like this.
Look, I said stop.
And then I say the magic words.
They wouldn't be "resist me and this continues" by any chance?
I like you. Maybe I'll love you if you do something for me.
That's just creepy.
So aren't you going to volunteer to do my bidding now?
No.
But I've used my powers of seduction on you.
You're a fat, pregnant, chain-smoking bleach blonde piece of trailer trash. You couldn't seduce roadkill into rotting. And I'm saying that as a desperate, dateless loser.
Silence! These are the powers that got me where I am today!
That could explain a lot. Especially since their failure would also get you where you are today.
My powers of seduction have not failed!
I think Madonna relied heavily on these sorts of powers early on. She managed to last most of a decade after she stopped using them. You haven't managed one full year.
I'm not out yet!
No, and that's the really sad thing. It was bad enough when you were a Pop Tart, now you're a washed up Pop Tart that hasn't realised it's over.
That's not true!
Thankfully the time of the Pop Tarts seems to be over. No one's heard anything from Shakira in a year, Christina Agularia has been silent for six months and Jessica Simpson manages to cling on despite everything that should be ending her notoriety. Maybe it's whatever's still got you around, something about a painful, doomed marriage. I believe you have one of those.
No I don't. If I did why would I be pregnant and why would my husband want to host a TV series with me.
It can be chalked up to the same thing: bad, desperate decisions. And that's a Reality TV series, they do many things but save marriages, entertain and restore fame are not among them.
So what are you going to do?
It's known as Thwacking. Maybe you've heard of it?
Wait! How do you know that Thwacking isn't harmful to pregnant women or their babies?
I just do.
Have you ever thwacked a pregnant woman before?
I don't think so.
Then how can you be so sure? I'm already having troubles with this pregnancy, I don't want anything to put it at risk.
I'm quite sure that The Mighty Trout will have no effect on an unborn innocent child. Even one from a pair of idiots like you and your husband.
You're being pretty cavalier with someone else's unborn child.
Yes. I am.
<THWACK>
<Intro Voice>
And so Grey, cold, heartless bastard that he is, marches off into the sunset, Mighty Trout held high, sure to encounter stupidity and another excuse for not paying me again!
<End Intro Voice>
