<Intro Voice>
We begin this time with Grey, alone, having rejected all sidekicks because he finally thinks he's in his right mind.
A short, pudgy guy dressed in one colour carrying a fish and right mind don't exactly go together, do they?
At any rate he's out there doing his thing with no restraints other than his conscience.
Oh man.
And now, somewhere else in California . . .
<End Intro Voice>
Are you -
Yes, I'm Brannon Braga, the other half of the diabolical duo who has control over Star Trek. You're Grey, that is The Mighty Trout, you've thwacked my cohort Rick Breman for being stupid since you believe that he and I have contributed to the decline of Star Trek and now you're here to do the same to me.
What -
You also made off with one of his tribbles. Trust me, he'll miss it. Don't worry you don't have to wash it, Rick's just very possessive of his stuff.
Uh, yeah. How did -
I'm the smart one. Rick's the one with imagination and passion, I'm the one who get things done right.
Sure, like -
My definition of right, not yours.
Can I complete a -
No, for you see I am so intelligent that you cannot possibly begin to compete. By comparison to myself your words are but wasted air. Therefore I cannot allow you to finish what you are saying.
You're a -
No, I'm just better.
<CRACK>
OW! You kicked me in the shins! You're not supposed to kick me in the shins! Isn't this why you had your sidekick with you, so you wouldn't beat people senseless?
I've had issues. I'm over them. And kicking you in the shins is a far cry from beating you senseless. Though if you want me to demonstrate the difference you'll keep cutting me off.
Okay, okay, fine, I'll allow a lesser being to talk. Shesh, just because I'm declaring myself better than the combined intelligence of Mensa. . .
Shut up with that crap.
You can't stop me from speaking in Klingon.
Don't go there.
Oh, why not? Because you're not Trekkie enough to speak Klingon without a coach? Because you still have to look up the dictionary? Ha!
I'm not here to discuss the finer points of language with you.
Just as well, you'd lose.
That's not the point! You're an idiot!
Hardly, my intelligence is quite exemplary.
Not that sort of intelligence, you're a TV producer/writer who's out of control.
I need no control.
So you think. You've perverted Gene Roddenberry's dream!
Have you taken a look at Gene Roddenberry's dream? It miniskirts. Nothing but miniskirts. For men and women.
Okay you've got a point there.
I mean he had diagrams, schematics. This man was insane about miniskirts.
All right, I get the idea.
And then there are the pictures, visions of the future where nature has been replaced by polystyrene lumps, papier-mâché and giant, inflated marshmallows. Do you think that was all just TV props?
Fine, I get it, I get it, Gene Roddenberry was a nut. But at least he had enough people around him to rein him in now and again.
I need no external control.
Have you seen what you're shovelling?
Quality viewing, with added subsidiary licensing, product placement, and a merchandising deal coupled with conventions that means any other science fiction series that wants a hope in hell of being something other than a novelty t-shirt has to come to us and deal.
Good grief, that sounds like a plan for world domination.
I'm planning to modify it for just that reason in the 2009 season.
2009 season of what?
Stargazer, it's going to be a series based upon a young Jean-Luc Picard. We're hoping that anti-aging treatments will have advanced enough that we can just gag Patrick Stewart and do whatever the Hell we feel like to him.
Why?
Because William Shatner and Kate Mulgrew want it too badly.
No, why the domination plans at all, what kind of a nut case are you?
I'm not crazy, just intelligent. Though there is a fine line between the two, it's easy to see how you could be confused.
Confused nothing, you're nuts. You're an idiot if you think people are going to want to see another prequel series, haven't you been paying attention to Enterprise?
That was just to test the waters. We know the market exists, we just have to pitch it right. We could even do something on Kirk's early years, once Shatner's no longer in a position to dictate terms.
Dictate what terms?
He has some powerful material in his hands. Never mind what, it's irrelevant to your purposes.
Not if it's keeping you in check.
Then I'll just do the smart thing and not tell you. Sorry, but I'm not an idiot.
Maybe not the sort of idiot I need you to be, idiot all the same.
I really don't see how, everything is going according to plan. Even the downfall of Enterprise is all in line with my grander schemes. It happened a little too soon, however these things are not clockwork and we must learn to roll with the punches.
I don't know what rulebook you're using, but to me you're just being an idiot.
Hardly, you see if you did your research properly you would find that I am actually an intelligent, highly thoughtful person who has done enough research that -
Why are you doing it?
Why not?
You see, that's why you're an idiot, no goals, just imposing your will and sense of order on something because it suits your purposes or garners you more power and influence.
It's not that simple -
Why did you do what you did to Enterprise?
Because it would have earned me much money and respect.
You're not seeing it, are you?
I'm seeing everything, including a sad loser who's not the Trekkie he thought he was, found his loyalty waning and so decided to take it out on the most obvious targets, Berman and myself. It also helps that scattered around our homes we have so much memorabilia. Look, it's Seven of Nine's original high heels. Pity those didn't work out. However I have figured out just why you're here, and that is sad.
That's no true!
Look who reacts too quickly.
Okay, my motives aren't that important here. What is important is that you're an idiot, you're a jerk. And you're unrepentant. So I'm going to make you pay.
By thwacking me.
That's right.
Just a small problem, you see I'm the smart one of the Berman/Braga duo.
Let me guess, you've got an army too.
That's right. And you know what?
It's not made entirely of Redshirts.
Well done. So now what are you going to do.
Ask what this army looks like and how many of them drive SUVs.
Please, I have access to Star Trek gizmos. I have no need of SUVs. Besides, I warned them all last week that you'd be on the way and none of them have touched an SUV since.
So what do they look like? What do they wear? Are they Yellowshirts, Brown Jackets, Blue Suede Shoe, what?
Just standard black. I didn't want to be too flashy.
You know I didn't see any of them when I came in here.
Of course not, they're all stationed in their barracks.
Which is where?
At the far end of the compound near the entrance for quick response purposes.
And how quickly can they get here.
Takes them between five and ten minutes. Oh.
That's right, a miscalculation.
Only one.
One is all I need.
Can't we just leave it with the shin thing and call it even?
Nope.
<THWACK>
<Intro Voice>
And so Grey marches off into the sunset, after grabbing a fistful of those communicator badges - Well I think this is Braga's own fault for displaying them in a fruit bowl - swinging The Mighty Trout high, sure to encounter stupid people again!
<End Intro Voice>
