<Intro Voice>
Now that we have finally taken care of that Jar Jar Binks I am happy to say we are back on track.
Well, as back on track was we ever get around here. After all, you know what it's like. There's Grey and his running around, me and trying to get this introduction thing right but never having anything more than the vaguest of scripts. And now we have Blackbird running around in the background doing his thing so we never know when he'll shove his nose into regular Trouting business.
Anyway, back to Trouting the deserving.
And now, somewhere in California . . .
<End Intro Voice>
You two! Are you Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez?
No.
You're not?
No, I'm J-Lo.
And I'm Ben Affleck.
Oh no. You two are going to keep doing that annoying cutsie couple thing aren't you?
Of course not.
Never. After all, it's us.
Yeah, how can we be annoying?
Well, I'd make you two listen to yourselves but that might be a form of cruel and unusual punishment. Wait, that's why I'm here!
Our cuteness?
You don't look like a photographer.
You're not hiding behind a bush, a window, a car, a fence or anything.
And I'm not holding some sort of camera.
Actually, there have been a few that only told us they were photographers.
Okay, let's stop this right now.
Okay, goodbye.
No, not stop this that much.
I wish you'd make sense.
Will you two slow down.
No, we're very busy people. We finally have our first movie together.
Yeah, we won't have to act like we're in love.
Wait, you act?
Yes. I was an actress before I was a singer.
You sing?
Yes. Just look at all the best selling CDs and singles.
That's not a sign of a good singer, that's just a sign that people have been stupid enough to spend money on something because it's popular.
Hey, that's the love of my life you're talking about.
Fine, I'll start on you. What happened to you man? You used to do good movies, movies that involved actual acting. Hell, you had a hand in writing most of those.
What do you mean, he's still a great actor.
No he isn't he's out there playing romantic leads in ham fisted, half written, half-baked dramas that have as much plot as J-Ho, I mean J-Lo has clothing in her music videos.
Hey!
That's mean!
That isn't mean. Mean is reminding you that you only get roles that Leonardo DiCaprio is still too baby faced to play.
Hey, Leo and I are not in competition.
Not you, Ben and Leo are in competition.
Oh, that almost makes sense.
Yeah, Leo does look quiet wimpy compared to me.
He looks wimpy compared to J-Ho, er, Lo.
That's because of my streetcred.
No, it's because it's Leonardo DiCaprio. Besides, where would you get streetcred from?
My time with Puff Daddy.
You can get many things from spending time with Puff Daddy. Streetcred is not one of them.
Well, he was a bad choice, not like Ben here.
Ooh, snookywookums-
Stop right there! I'm not putting up with that.
You're just jealous because you know you'll never be as close to anyone as we are to each other.
Yeah, we're so close we're going to do a movie together.
Three words: Tom and Nicole.
We're nothing like them.
Three more words: Tom and Penelope.
Will you stop bringing them up, that's a difference situation entirely.
You're right, they never teamed up to do a remake of an old movie.
Hey, Casablanca's a great old movie.
Yes, it is. And now you two are going to go in and screw it all up.
We are not.
Yes you are, look what you did to the whole Pearl Harbour thing.
What, that was a great movie. One of Ben's best.
It took what was essentially a United States military disaster and pivotal point in world history and turned it into a "Yay America, we're not getting our asses kicked we're just being noble and heroic" romantic, sentimental piece of shit.
Hey, I was portraying actual events. Except for all the kissing stuff. That all had to be faked.
It better have.
No you didn't. That movie all but spat on the graves of everyone who died. You took a historical event, an event that resulted in thousands plus death and triggered millions more and turned it into feel good fluff. And now you're going to do it to one of the great film classics!
Hey, stop picking on my lover.
Fine, I'll start on you and your half-baked movie career and completely uncooked music antics.
Hey!
Yeah, hey!
Come on, we all know that J-Ho wouldn't have anything even remotely resembling a career in the entertainment industry if it weren't for the fact that she keeps jiggling her backside about!
I'll have you know I'm very sensitive about that part of my person. It's not my best quality.
Yeah, her lips are much better.
Aragh! Stop that! Look we all know that she isn't getting by on talent. She's in nothing but romantic comedies.
Not at all, there was The Cell.
The only good thing there was the flashiness and Vincent D'Onofrio's performance. You were there so there was at least one pretty female face.
There were other pretty female faces there.
They wound up dead!
They were still pretty! And besides, it's not like any of them ever had music careers.
You don't have a music career any more than you have an acting career.
Then explain how my CDs sell so well.
You're sure they're being bought for the music and not the covers?
He's sort of got a point there, honey; you are irresistible to look at.
Awh, you're so sweet.
You're both so sickening, this ends now!
<THWACK>
Ben! Why?!
He was stupid and probably most dangerous.
Oh yeah, just watch my ass.
That's your main marketing asset, no pun intended. That's not threatening.
Just wait till it starts jiggling.
There's nothing - Oh no! Yikes! Natural light is not a friend of that thing!
That's right, back away!
Oh no, you're not stopping me that easily. Though I do wish I'd done this before lunch.
<THWACK>
<Intro Voice>
And so Grey leaves Ben Affleck and J-Ho, er, Lo, no, on second thoughts J-Ho does sound more appropriate.
Anyway, Grey leaves them there, marching off into the sunset, swinging The Mighty Trout high, sure to encounter stupidity again!
<End Intro Voice>
