<Intro Voice>
And now, somewhere in, wait, Hollywood? Any agents around? No, I'm just asking. It would be awfully convenient though, if I could just duck out and -
Wait, we're leaving right after this? Are you sure? I mean, it's not like we go very far, mostly we just stick around North America. I can just look around a bit and catch up a day later, can't I?
Why not!
<End Intro Voice>
Arnold Schwarzenegger?
Ya, vat ist it?
You're the popular actor in a lot of action and disaster films.
Ant cometys.
No, those are disaster films. Trust me, I've never heard so little laughing and so much screaming.
Bit I vas tryink to be vunny.
Yeah, well, trying isn't the same as succeeding.
Go avay, I don't hef to pud up wid dis.
I'm not going anywhere and until you've answered my questions neither are you.
Vat qweschins? All youf dun so far is make like a moody critic.
Moody critic or movie critic?
Bof.
Okay. Well, I'm not here to critic your work. However I reserve the right to do so anyway.
Den go avay, I done haf to pud up wif dis.
Yes you do.
Vhy?
You'll find out, if you'll just let me continue.
Curse my inkurabel curiosity. Go on den.
You make millions per film, right?
Yah, yah, yah, dat's no secret unless you can't read or vatch teefee.
No, I know that, I just want some facts set before we continue.
So? I'm rich. Vat af it?
So rich you started up your own celebrity restaurant with other movie actors?
Yah. You'd bedder ged to your point soon, or I'll -
Yeah, yeah, save it for the films. So you've got so much money you pretty much throw it around on any sort of whim that takes your fancy?
Dat vas a sound buisuness decision.
Okay, but between the movie career, the restaurant and being linked by marriage to the Kennedy family do you need money?
No.
Then why, why I ask, why the hell are you the official spokesman for civilian sales of Humvees?
Vat?
Humvees! Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about, you're not that good.
I don't haf to justify myself to you.
Yes you do.
Vhy?
Well, er, uh, you just do, okay!
Dat's de best you can caum up wit?
It's very early in the morning. I am not a morning person. Okay, cutting right to the point, why in the hell are you endorsing Humvees for the civilian market?
Because dey are goot vehicles. If de vern't den dey wouldn't haf been used by the Unided Stades Military.
I'm not saying that they are perfectly good military vehicles. Any military force needs durable, tough, go anywhere vehicles like this.
Den vhat's de problem?
Civilians do not normally need that sort of vehicle. In fact, it is difficult to justify that sort of vehicle in an environment where there are not constant explosions altering the nature of the terrain.
Oh come on, I own one.
Why?
Because, it's beg, ant powerful, just like me.
Right. Tell me, why would anyone living in the city need one of these? It's not like big vehicles save anyone from carjacking, in fact, because of their expense they probably mark people as better targets.
Dey can go ofer any obstacles.
Like what? The curb? Parking meters, fire hydrants? Pedestrians? Other cars?
Hey, if de sity streets were safer den der'd be no use for dis stuff.
SUVs are already making the streets more dangerous by choking up the roadways and guzzling fuel at a rate to be the cause of the current fuel crisis.
Weel der you go den. If everybuddy gets Humvees den dey won't have SUVs.
Humvees are worse! They get an absurdly small amount of mileage for their fuel. If these things sell the world will be out of fuel oil so fast nobody'll bother rebuilding Iraq.
You can'd have id bof ways. Eider it's todally inapprobriate for cidys or else it uses up too mush fuel.
What the - ?! That's not right. Being abysmally equipped for city streets and appalling fuel consumers are not mutually exclusive qualities! Humvees damn near take up two normal lanes, they're as big as four small cars! And they'd use nearly twice the fuel!
Oh, well, uh, if eferybuddy has a Humvee won'd dat make a difference?
It'll mean that there'll be twenty four hour traffic jams as people try to maneuver cars twice the size they're supposed to be through the streets. Just how stupid are you?
I'm not stubid! I just happen to like the Humvee as a vehicle. So vhat if der makers want to pay me to sell deir product?
It's profiting from the war. People only want these things because they're big, so the compensate for numerous insecurities, and the fact that they've been seen on CNN in Iraq surviving a war.
Der's noting wrong wid dat sord of patriotism.
It borders on profiteering. The only reason I'm not sure is because I don't have my dictionary with me. Something else you could use with that wavering accent of yours.
Do you haf anyting intelligent to offer, or are we just going to sdand and talk?
Well, there is this!
<THWADUNK>
Wait a minuite. "Thwadunk"? I don't remember that sound being in the inventory. Uh oh.
Dat's right. Now you know.
That wasn't makeup in the Terminator movies.
No.
This explains a great deal about your acting abilities.
Yes, I vas prokrammed wid de intellect of twendy geniuses and the akting skills of a multi-academy avard vinner.
More like the egos of twenty primadonna geniuses, the acting skills of whatever the hell dense metal you're made of and the language skills or a two-year-old ODing on Ritalin.
Laff it up vile you can. I'm going do tear you into gray gooey chunks.
Uh, yeah, sure, right - Hey! It's Sarah Conner! Behind you!
Everybuddy alvays tries dat one. I don'd fall for id anymore.
Oh, so someone programmed you with a clue one day, huh?
Time for my favorite line. Hasta la -
Hey look, isn't that your wife?
Maria? Good, she can help buff my skull.
<SCRENG>
Hey, my arm!
That's right, metal man, I got your arm!
Gif dat back!
Okay, here you go.
&lTTHWACRUNG>
Dis remindes me of dat part I had as der Liberty Bell.
I'm not going to make a dumbbell joke, it's just too easy.
<THWACRUNG>
Maria! Help me! It's happening again!
<THWACRUNG>
<Intro Voice>
And so Grey runs off into the sunset, waving the Mighty Trout high and dragging what looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger's rather battered right arm behind him, sure to encounter stupidity again!
<End Intro Voice>
