<Intro Voice>
When last we left I was still being laughed at, Grey ran off in one direction and Bruce Campbell ran off in the other.
Will our, ahem, heroes ever find each other again?
Well of course they will, what kind of a question is that? Grey has the ability to travel the world and Bruce has the ability to find Grey no matter what.
Between those skills all we have to do is wait.
Hopefully before those skills kick in we'll have some time watching Charlize Theron.
And now, somewhere in New York . . .
<End Intro Voice>
Come on Bruce, where are you? It's not like I've made this difficult, most of my work is in New York or California. Hmmm, maybe I should have tried further away from Jerry Springer, something like Amsterdam or Prague. I'm sure that with all the films being made in Prague there are idiots there. Maybe I should go after Prague city leaders for importing them.
Excuse me?
Yes?
Why are you dressed entirely in gray?
It's grey, like my name, Grey. I run around the world thwacking stupid people with The Mighty Trout.
So, you're sort of like a superhero?
Well, not really. There's nothing all that super about me, and I don't think anyone's ever called me a hero. Who are you any-huuaaiighh, uh, err, um, I, err, uh, well, ah, err, uh . . .
Hi, I'm Kirsten Dunst.
I, uh, well, err, that is, I err, well, um, sort of, uh, that is, kind of, I mean, well, err, uh, that is I, uh think, uh, I know, err, who, uh, you are, um, well, err.
You know you're kind of cute.
Diyah wah?
Excuse me?
Wha-wha-wha-wha-wha-what did you say?
I think you're kind of cute.
I'm sorry, but do you need some sort of highly powerful prescription glasses that you've lost or something?
No, I have perfect vision, and a perfect nose in the opinion of many.
Humina, humina, humina, humina.
And so I say you're kind of cute.
Uh, well, err, uh, I, uh, kinda, how?
It's not a well-known thing but I've always liked superheroes. It's why I did everything I could to be in the Spiderman movies.
Y-y-y-y-you're a comic geek? No! I, uh, I didn't say that! I did say that! But I d-d-d-d-d-didn't mean it! Not, uh, a bad way, you m-m-m-m-m-must believe me, not in a bad way!
Actually I think it's funny. You're cute when you're flustered.
I, uh, eh, err, uh, I, well, uh, that is, uh, err, uh, eh, err, uh, I, uh . . .
I believe you. I'm not insulted anyway, since I'm not a comic geek. I like the movies, the old TV series, but I don't collect comics like that. I enjoy reading them.
I, uh, I, uh, I, uh . . .
You don't spend much time with girls, do you?
I, uh, do, uh, well, err, have friends, who are, uh, female.
But not girlfriends.
Uh, well, err, I, err, uh, well, guess, uh, no.
So you're just acting a bit strange because this is all new to you? You've never had a girl say that she thought you were cute?
Uh, well, err, uh, no.
Why not?
I, uh, err, um, well, uh, I, err, think, uh, maybe, err, it's, uh, t-t-t-to do with, uh, something about, err, running away from me and s-s-screaming.
Girls run away from you screaming?
Or stand there shouting.
Why?
Uh, I, err, have been, well, eh, told, um, that it was, err, to do, ah, with my, err, innate, ah, repulsiveness.
Your innate repulsiveness? How can anyone find you innately repulsive?
Uh, reality?
You're covered completely in gray, I can hardly see any of your physical features. All I can tell is that you're a little short and seem to be cute.
Wh-wh-wh-how?
I think your eyes are especially cute. Well, I have to, those are your only features that I can see.
Oh, uh that, uh, err, well, err, uh, you see, um, I, uh, well, uh, it's all, uh, a, err, costume, ah, decision.
So you're covered head to toe in gray because that's like your uniform?
Uh, well, err, yeah. Though, uh, when you put it that way, err, it, um, sounds a little pathetic.
I think it's good. One of the things I like about Spiderman is that he only has two dominant colors in his costume.
You, uh, like Spiderman.
Yeah.
Oh. So you like him.
Only as a superhero. Toby McGuire's just an actor, he can't do the real hero stuff.
S-s-s-s-s-s-s-so . . . ?
I like him as a friend and a colleague, but he's not really my type. Did you know they had to use a body double for everything where he wasn't wearing street clothes?
W-w-w-what about -
Even when he takes that mask off it's someone else's body with his head glued on.
Th-th-that means y-y-y-you l-l-like -
Only real superheroes.
I-I-I-I'm not m-m-much of a, err, superhero.
You run around the world doing something called thwacking to stupid people. Isn't that super?
I, uh, don't think so.
Aren't you doing something you believe is right?
Well, uh, yeah, I guess.
And you're doing it of your own accord, not because someone told you to?
Err, uh, well, uh, sure.
There you go, you're a superhero.
B-b-b-b-b-but I d-d-d-d-d-don't have any powers.
You don't need powers. Okay, you've got The Mighty Trout, but that's more of a tool you use than an actual power. If you didn't have The Mighty Trout you could still do everything you do. It's the intent, not the powers that make a superhero.
Uh, you think so? You really think so?
I do.
You like me?
Yes. So what are you doing here?
Normally, uh, about this time, err, uh, well, err, I've found someone to thwack, kinda. However it feels, well, strange.
How so?
Lately I've, uh, well, uh, usually had a kind of, well, I hesitate to, uh, use the term, uh, but, err, sidekick is, uh, probably the closest thing to, uh, what he is.
So you're looking for him?
And someone to, err, thwack.
While you're waiting how about we go get some coffee?
I'm not a coffee drinker. I mean yes! I mean, wait, stop, don't, uh, that, err, wasn't a rejection! Please believe me! I want coffee with you!
Don't worry, I understand, you're just a little nervous. How about ice cream instead?
Uh, yeah, sure. Okay.
What flavour do you like?
Uh, chocolate. Err, about those scenes in Spiderman, err, you know, the ones where you keep wearing thin clothes and get wet . . .
Oh, those. Look, they put me in Spiderman, I wasn't about to make too many objections.
Well, uh, then shall we -
Grey!
Bruce! Finally, where have you been?
I thought we were supposed to meet in the Troutcave first. Then I realised that after what Springer said -
Bruce Campbell?
Yeah.
AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!
What the -
Uh-oh, not this.
AAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!
What's going on?
BRUCE CAMPBELL!!!
Kirsten, wait!
AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Wait, comeback! Kirsten! What happened? What went wrong? She like me!
Well, it's kind of an odd story. You know how I've been in both Spiderman movies so far, well, you also notice how I'm only in them with Toby McGuire? Turns out that Kirsten Dunst has a screaming fear of me. Something to do with being deeply traumatised by one of my movies. Funny huh?
She fears you?
Yeah.
But she liked me.
So?
She ran off.
I don't get it.
But - I - She - Ice cream - She liked me. She's gone now.
Don't worry, Grey, plenty more fish in the sea.
Not for me. There aren't. They don't like me. She liked me. She like me!
Grey, you're taking this kind of hard.
No! I'm not! Bruce what have you done?!
Uh, scared off someone who could have been your girlfriend?
No! I mean yes! She like me! She liked ME!
Okay, I think what we need to do here is calm down -
No! Bruce, this is it, I've had it. She like me! No more, it's over!
I don't think it ever began, after all, she ran away from you screaming before your first date.
She liked me! No one ever likes me! Go away!
Back to the Troutcave?
No, go away, Bruce, this is over. No more games, no more playing around, you're not my sidekick anymore. You screwed up something that could have been good for me. I don't know if I'll ever forgive you!
But -
She liked me!
<Intro Voice>
And so Kirsten Dunst runs screaming off into the sunset, running as far from Grey and Bruce Campbell as a pair of well shaped, if slightly pigeon toed legs can carry her, sure to act in movies again!
Oh, and Grey rants off into the darkness, leaving Bruce Campbell alone and wondering . . .
Oh dear, this doesn't look good.
<End Intro Voice>
