<Intro Voice>
Okay, be warned people, Grey's gone of on one of his crushes again. It's never pretty, however there's always the hope that he'll finally find that one woman who's deaf, dumb, blind and stupid enough to take him.
Of course, there's equal odds that an asteroid will fall from space and knock his head clean off his shoulders.
Anyway, somewhere in California . . .
<End Intro Voice>
E-excuse me, a-a-a-are you J-Jennifer Garner?
Yes. Why? Oh, I see. Sorry, I'm in a bit of a hurry and don't have time to give you an autograph at the moment, but I'm going to be selling some on E-bay pretty soon so maybe if you could just wait . . .
I-I-I'm n-n-not h-h-here f-f-f-for an a-autograph.
You're not? Oh, flowers. This again.
Huh?
Look, I'm sorry, I'm sure you're very nice, even though you dress like a washed out version of the Grim Reaper and you stink of fish in an unholy fashion, however I am quiet happy as I am and under other circumstances might consider going out with you if it weren't for the fact that you're a rather creepy, smelly little guy who clearly doesn't know how to pick up a girl.
But -
What?
B-but I-I d-d-d-didn't kn-kn-know -
That my tastes were different and presently filled? No reason you should, I try not to publicise my relationships, I've seen what that does to they guys and it's not something I want to do to anyone I care about. Still, that's better than knowing my present state and expecting me to go out with you. Tell you what, I'll take that two and a half minutes to autograph a picture and send you on your way, how about that?
B-b-b-but -
It's that or I have my heavily armed and slightly bored bodyguards practice origami on you.
Uh, b-b-b-but -
I like the part where they squish you flat, makes so many interesting sounds.
I-I-I-I-
What ever made you think that I would go out with you?
W-w-well -
I know I'm beautiful, talented and rich, but don't you people realise that things like that just put me beyond your reach?
A-a-a-a-a-
It's not so much that we're better than you, though in this case it is, obviously, it's more that.
I-I-I-
I know, you wanted better, you wanted more out of life, but this is not the way. You can't just walk up to pretty, famous girls and ask them out, it doesn't work that way. Clearly we have nothing in common. I have a movie career and you . . . look like the kind of guy who enjoys skulking a lot.
B-b-b-b-b-
Look, I know that you're probably a worthwhile, uh, human, er, being, in your own way that is, but I'm busy. I'm a successful movie actress after all. I have talent I must show the world.
W-w-w-w-w-well, w-w-w-w-what a-a-a-about y-y-your la-la-latest m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-movie?
What about it?
Is-is-isn't it j-j-j-just a version o-o-o-of "Big" with a g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-girl instead o-o-o-of a b-b-b-b-boy?
So? It's a totally original film with no similarities to any other film. And besides, look at what "Big" did for Tom Hanks.
D-d-d-d-d-d-didn't you a-a-al-al-already w-w-w-win an Oscar or-or-or-or s-s-s-s-s-s-something l-l-like th-th-that already?
Well, yes. But what's you point? So I've already won an Oscar. That was before I was really famous. Now I'm really famous I can do any movie.
In-in-inc-inc-including crap?
It's not crap, it's great way for me to get noticed.
J-j-j-j-just l-l-l-like your TV s-s-s-s-s-series?
What's wrong with my TV series? I know it's not overly original, but the only thing it really copies is the assertive, kick-ass female character that continues to show feminine vulnerability. Look at what those sorts of programs did for Jessica Alba and Sarah Michelle Geller. Oh crap.
<sigh> Sarah Michelle Geller and Jessica Alba.
I see that you're familiar with their work, such as it is.
And-and-and j-j-j-just wh-wh-wh-what m-m-m-m-makes y-y-you s-s-s-so m-m-much b-b-b-better?
Well, I won and award for starters.
An-an-and n-n-n-now?
I have my own TV series just like them and . . . Oh dear. Wait! I was also in those other movies. The other movies that were big, successful and acclaimed!
L-l-l-like "Daredevil"?
Oh man.
W-w-w-well -
Wait, are you a movie producer?
Why does everyone always ask that?
Uh, because you're a movie producer?
N-n-n-no I-I'm not a m-m-m-movie p-producer.
Oh. Drat.
Bu-bu-bu-bu-bu-
I don't need this.
I-I-I-I-
Look, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to give you that autograph another time. I need to sit down and have some chocolate.
B-b-b-b-b-
Or ice cream. No, wait, I think what I really need is chocolate ice cream
Bu-bu-bu-bu-but -
Goodbye.
<Intro Voice>
And so Grey is left standing in the middle of the street, barely having spoken a half dozen complete sentences to Jennifer Garner, who appears to be very, very unhappy at the moment.
Uh, let's see, where was I?
Ah, and so Grey in middle of the street, looking very downtrodden and quiet chewed up, sure to try this sort of stuff with beautiful women again!
Though I suppose at least stuttering uncontrollably is an improvement over stammering.
<End Intro Voice>
