<Intro Voice>
I tried, I really did try. So did Blackbird and Bruce Campbell.
Grey wouldn't listen.
So here we are again, we had two Christmas Specials last year, both aimed at hitting the Grinch and hitting him hard. What did we get? Involuntary, unlicensed plastic surgery on Jim Carrey and grave robbing.
Not even the right grave!
What did Grey end up with in the end? Nothing, the grave was empty, robbed already.
What does Grey think now? That he did a good job since last Christmas wasn't disrupted by the Grinch. He thinks the Grinch is in hiding.
And now he's at it again, somewhere in Germany . . .
<End Intro Voice>
Uh, Grey? Grey?
What?
Why are we all carrying shovels this time?
Didn't you hear Intro Voice?
I never listen to Intro Voice. It's a bad habit.
Bruce, you don't want an answer to this one.
Why not?
Look, I was with Grey the last time we carried shovels, it wasn't pretty.
How ugly was it?
Chad Kroeger ugly.
Uh oh. Grey, I think I, uh, left a towel on, I don't want my home to flood.
Brilliant move Bruce.
Be quiet you two, we don't want to give away our intentions.
To who? You're the one saying that we're after a corpse.
Corpse?
Yeah, Grey's deluded enough to think that he can help preserve Christmas by taking the fight to the Grinch.
And the Grinch is dead?
Not yet.
The Grinch is fictional!
That's just what he wants you to think.
So who are we going after then? No, wait, I think I can guess, Doctor Seuss.
Who's dead and hence the shovels.
Can I go home now?
No!
How do we even know that "Doctor Seuss" is in Germany? Why are we even assuming he has anything to do with the Grinch beyond writing the book?
We have to assume. If nothing else it may be a start.
You see the problem you're having right now is that you're trying to use logic on Grey. He's certain that the Grinch is out there and is equally determined to stop him from ruining Christmas.
Grey never read much Doctor Seuss growing up did he?
Grey hasn't done much growing up.
You know you two didn't have to come along. Any one or both of you could have just stayed behind and I could have done this on my own. It's just easier with a little help from my supposed friends.
We are your friends.
Or at least your sidekicks.
The point is that friends should be able to tell other friends when they're being idiots.
And?
Grey you're being an idiot!
Noted. Now are you going to help?
<sigh> Fine. If only to make sure you don't go too far.
Hey, Santa's done a lot for everyone all over the world, I don't think it's too much to ask that a few of us make sure he's safe.
Thanks for the guilt Grey.
It's the Christmas thing to do.
Uh, sorry to sound a little stupid here, but why are we in Germany?
Last year we weren't in a German graveyard. We were in an undisclosed graveyard. However I've learnt that it's possible that Seuss had German connections.
Wait a minute, this isn't going to turn into one of those things were we're fighting off Undead Nazis, is it?
Unlikely, I've heard that Seuss hated them. Can't say for certain though since this is a German graveyard. That's why we bought you along, since you have all that valuable zombie fighting experience.
Great. I suppose I'm getting my hand cut off and a chainsaw put on.
Do you think we need to?
No.
Okay.
Shush! I hear something.
There's something moving over there!
If it's a rotting, undead Goering then all we need to do is insult its dress sense and while it's crying in self-pity run until we're safe.
Wow, you really do know how to handle zombies.
No, they're talking, and not about brains!
They might be ordinary German zombies.
It's English. American English.
Okay, what we do is we insult their dress sense and run while they're crying in self-pity.
Good grief. I'm all for just throwing Bruce at them.
Oh come on, either it's the Grinch and someone else, surely an accomplice, or it's just a pair of zombies, what's there to worry about?
Oh man.
Bill Gates?
Okay, it's a zombie Bill Gates and a pal, what we do is we insult their dress sense and run away while they're crying in self-pity.
What's there to worry about? How about I, your archnemisis!
Is that your best zombie fighting idea, or your only zombie fighting idea?
Neither, my best zombie fighting idea is to not go zombie fighting. That's what I picked up from the movies.
Shut up! I'm here to finally get Grey for constantly humiliating me!
Letting your mother dress you and your wife give you those haircuts is what's humiliating you.
Shut up! My wife knows what she's doing!
Sorry to interrupt but I am here.
Oh sorry.
Who is that anyway?
I am someone else who rightly desires revenge against Grey!
You're going to have to explain further, that's not much information to go on.
I'm Jim Carey.
Oh.
Oh? What's "Oh"?
Grey thought that Jim Carey was the Grinch in disguise last year.
Hey, it could have been a mask. For all I knew it genuinely was a mask.
Wait, does that mean . . . Eweh. Grey I helped you move that thing!
And I appreciated it. That's why I bought everyone pizza.
Enough! I have teamed up with Jim -
James. Call me James or Mister Carey.
I've teamed up with James here to finally do you in.
You told me it felt funny because of what it was made of.
I didn't lie.
I thought it was plastic! That had to be the grossest thing I've ever encountered!
Hey, I'm right here. And I want it back.
So why are you here with Gatesy rather than breaking into my hideout?
He has a hideout?
Yeah, the first time he teamed up with someone was when I was moving in. Gatesy and the Govornator burst in demanding satisfaction. Kind of the same situation except Arnie was smart enough to confront me in the same room as his arm.
And he left when Gates showed just how incompetent he was.
I haven't shown how incompetent I am yet.
That's true, I suppose Jim's got an excuse there.
I mean I'm not incompetent.
I think you were right the first time.
So I'm not going to get my face back tonight?
Even if somehow you possessed enough competence to outweigh the fact that you're allied with Bill Gates you can't get your face. Even thought it's a trophy of mine I don't carry it around with me.
You said if we teamed up then I'd get my face back.
Eventually, but first there are my stunning new devices that shall help me defeat Grey!
We had a deal!
Devices first, deal second.
No, deal first, then face, devices part of the deal.
Can you people keep it down, some of us have work to do here!
What the - ?
Oh my God, it's hideous!
It's Chad Kroeger.
I think I had it covered with "it's hideous".
What's Nickelback doing in a graveyard? At Christmas time. Again?
We could ask the same thing of you.
Hey yeah, come to think of it why are you in a graveyard at Christmas time, Grey?
I'm here to stop the Grinch even if he's in the form of a long dead German named Seuss.
Gates, how about I ask the questions from now on.
Oh, uh, you're not going to have much luck, actually. All the Seuss graves are empty. And I mean all of them
Dude, we're not supposed to tell anyone that.
Oh, sorry. It's just that it's not like we know this because we've been up to something mildly suspicious in this graveyard that involves discovering which ones have bodies in them and which are empty.
Right.
Dude, this is why I'm the lead singer and I do all the press release stuff.
What?
Can we get back on track here? I want my face.
I want revenge on Grey.
I want to be able to make a discreet exit.
I want to find the Grinch and beat the living snot out of him, and I'm pretty sure I set my goals for the evening first.
This is getting surreal.
I planned this ever since Arnold walked out on me.
I've been trying to get a new face for a year now. Do you know how hard it is to find a plastic surgeon that can do that sort of work without making you look like Michael Jackson? I need the original back.
If anyone cares I just want a cheeseburger from my old hometown and enough alcohol to be able to forget this entire conversation.
All right, compromise time. Nickelback, can you just leave? We won't bother you if you're finished here.
Done and done.
And we mean done.
Dude, shut up.
Right, now, Jim, you're not getting your face back. Not tonight at least.
And teaming up with Bill Gates is a stupid thing to do.
So?
I mean "Cable Guy" stupid.
Oh. I'm not going to like this am I?
Nope.
<THWACK>
No! I needed him, all my plans and devices rested upon having someone to help me!
Congratulations Gatesy, you're batting your average.
Huh?
<THWACK>
I don't get it.
Never mind. All the Seuss graves are empty, just look.
So now what?
Bruce's cheeseburger idea sounds pretty good, how about that?
Okay, but only if I also get to do that heavy drinking thing as well.
Fine. Burgers on me then.
<Intro Voice>
Wow, a Christmas special with a relatively uncomplicated ending.
Except for the Nickelback thing.
And the Jim Carey thing.
And the graveyard.
That wasn't uncomplicated at all!
Never mind, just plough on through. And so Grey marches off into the sunsee . . . uh, it's night already so no sunset. Whatever he's marching off into it's with the Mighty Trout held high, with Bruce Campbell and Blackbird following close by with shovels . . .
Oh forget it!
<End Intro Voice>
