<Intro Voice>
When last we left Blackbird and Bruce Campbell were preparing to rescue Grey.
I seriously considered not turning up this time. I mean really, what do I have here? A pair of socks, three books I never wanted anyway and a package of cotton balls. Why come back?
Nevertheless, here I am to watch what I anticipate to be a painful, painful spectacle.
And now, in the Lord Mickey Mouse's dark lair . . .
<End Intro Voice>
Why are we just walking into the dark lair of Mickey Mouse? Isn't this suicidal?
Normally, yes.
You're so reassuring. What's preventing us from being torn to shreds by Mickey?
He doesn't do that. What he does is this licking thing that -
I don't want to know. So where is he?
Not here. He's depending upon his minions to take out intruders first.
So where are the minions. And please tell me that if the minions find us all they'll do is shoot and stab us.
Yeah, that sounds about right for Minions of the Mouse.
Great, they have a name.
They'd probably also try to sing us into insanity, but I've taken care of them.
How? I see you've got your trusty chainsaw, I don't see how that's going to help us against an army of gun toting minions.
The chainsaw is for the doors, not the minions. The Mouse likes hardwood in everything.
Just tell me where the minions are.
You remember the stuff I bought at the apothecary's?
The crap that I paid for? The crap you said you'd pay me back for?
Yeah that stuff. What I paid for -
What I paid for.
Was to have those cockroaches mystically turn up in every Disney affiliated hotel room, restaurant kitchen and bathroom. The minions would have been called into action to fight that level of infestation.
Clever. So what was with the sawdust?
I basically bought all the sawdust the Disney amusement parks would normally use in a day.
What does - Oh.
That's right, if they don't want to be swimming in vomit they're going to have to cut down some trees. Or make a deal with a paper towel company. Didn't think of that. We might have problems.
What about the rest of the stuff?
Freeze! Don't think you're getting any further into the lair of the Lord Mickey Mouse!
<SQUIRT>
Awah, you've hot glue gunned my feet to the floor and my guns closed. Mickey's going to have me flailed again.
You did think of everything.
Thanks for sounding surprised.
What about the rest of the stuff?
Party I'm having next week.
Glad I'm not invited. Whereto from here?
Well, consulting this handy employee orientation map the torture chamber is in section B, ground floor. Right over here.
I would have thought it would be underground.
So would everyone else, hence they miss what we find. Whoops, sorry.
Don't worry, it's - Oh, Grey's friends.
That's right. You know why we're here.
And you're not going to succeed. I'm going to break Grey down and build him back up just the way I want to.
Why?
I need a hobby while waiting for Cthulhu to arrive on Earth again. Poker just isn't the same without him.
We're going to stop you.
How? I'm an ancient being with powers beyond your comprehension.
We're going to rescue Grey.
I have him pretty securely tucked away. And even if you succeed I'll just snatch him back again.
Never! I shall win for I am Bruce Campbell, The King, The Slayer of Zombies, Bane of Critics and the only living mortal to have ever beaten Spiderman!
You did that by being a snotty usher, that's nothing to crow about.
It has given me certain powers that are distinctly useful in this situation.
Like what?
I can bar you from entering this room.
That's my own torture chamber, you can't bar me from anything.
I knew we should have stopped off at a gun shop.
Guns are useless against me.
Who said they were for you, I'm sure suicide would be far more pleasant than anything you have planned.
True enough Blackbird, but we don't need them. You see Mickey, if you look up the local municipal codes there are a few quirks about running torture chambers in this state.
Like what?
Like you can't legally have them.
I know that, what do you think I am? I have it registered as a live action theatre. Occasionally it has to be opened to the public, however I find the public to be very open minded when you threaten to put them onstage.
And torture them?
No, it's just that a lot of people embarrass easily.
You don't see it do you? By registering this place as a theatre it comes under all the rules and regulations of a theatre.
So?
I am a fully licensed and empowered usher. I wasn't just acting in Spiderman 2.
That's your big plan? Distract the lackeys and then reveal you're an usher?! This has to be the dumbest idea I've ever heard.
It's also the most worky idea you've ever heard. For as an usher I can do things like prevent someone from entering this room. Even if that person is the Lord Mickey Mouse, Creator of Brittany Spears, Master of the Shadow Legions and close personal friend of Tom Cruise. Oh, and Cthulhu as well.
Does that work?
Jimminy's Tonsils it does! Can I get in, please?
No admittance after the show begins without special dispensation.
Can I get in?
Why do you need to get in? Do you have a good reason for being out in the first place?
Bruce, I'm going to try and rescue Grey.
Oh yeah. Go on in.
Can I go in to stop him and continue torturing Grey?
No.
Drat!
Grey, we're here to rescue you!
Hacketta!
Not the response I was expecting. Wait, what is that?
What does it look like? Now go away, I've finally gotten enough studs on the pod racing level to get a piece for the superkit! I might get the entire thing this time!
Uh oh, Bruce, I'm going to need some help in here.
I can help!
No, you stay here, you're not allowed in. What is it?
Hacketta, hacketta, slash!
The Lego Star Wars computer game.
We're never getting him out of here. What was that you were saying about breaking Grey down? Snatching him back?
Actually it would be kind of helpful to me if you did get him out of there.
Shut up. We've got to get him out of here.
Slash! Haha!
Can't we take the game with us?
The whole Xbox is Mickey's, it's all tainted. Taking it with us would be as bad as leaving Grey here.
So what do we do? How do we stop this thing?
Don't look at me, I hooked him up to that thing, now I can't get him off. This has to be one of my worst torturings yet. Almost as bad as Walt Disney, I hated him for that.
You're not helping. Actually, should you be helping? Don't answer that.
There's only one thing for this. One dire, drastic action that will get Grey out of here.
Oh no, Bruce don't, he already has it in for you, this can't improve things.
I've got to.
You know I could do it if you'd just let me in.
Shut up! Let me do it, take some of the pressure off you.
No. He needs a friend, and that's got to be you.
<YANK>
Hacket - What? Click, click, click? What happened? Where's the game? BRUCE!
I pulled the plug Grey. Here's The Mighty Trout.
HOW COULD YOU?
It was for your own good Grey.
Just like last time? Don't answer that, just leave.
But Grey he -
Just leave. And as for you Mickey Mouse -
Oh forget it, I'm tired of this. I have souls to corrupt and lives to ruin. I'll see you in the funny pages.
What the - He turned his back on me. He's ignoring me! Blackbird -
Grey just shut up and let's get out of here. Your eyes are red and I've been having a really bad couple of weeks so I don't want to hear about it.
Fine.
<Intro Voice>
And so Grey storms off into the sunset, Mighty Trout flying all over the place as he rants, Blackbird following cautiously and Bruce Campbell lurking about somewhere, leaving Mickey Mouse to clean up the mess on his own.
Hey, this means my job is safe.
Damn, my job is safe.
<End Intro Voice>
