<Intro Voice>
When last we left our characters, I won't be calling them heroes, Bruce and Blackbird had finally settled their differences and decided to rescue Grey.
Grey was still being held prisoner by Lord Mickey Mouse, and was slowly being broken, at least as far as anyone can tell. Who knows what the All Powerful Mickey Mouse wants. I'm not about to second-guess him.
And I had auditions for several cartoon rolls, including being the new announcer in The Power Puff Girls, a guest shot on Justice League and even doing part of the monologue for a shampoo commercial.
Don't laugh, it's a start and a lot more respectable than anything Madonna or Cher ever did.
And now, uh, actually, five days ago . . .
<End Intro Voice>
I really don't see the point of this.
How much Elemental Evil have you encountered?
Uh, does Mickey Mouse count at this point?
No.
Then none.
Right. I'm an actor, I've worked in Hollywood, New York, all over the place. I am well versed in what it takes to face Elemental Evil and survive.
What, offer them rights to your image for toys and figurines?
If need be.
Why don't we just go in shotguns blazing?
That might take care of zombies or even a few of the lesser minions. It will not stop the Lord Mickey Mouse himself. Hence this apothecary.
There haven't been any apothecaries in centuries. How's something like that supposed to help us anyway?
Do you have any idea what a modern apothecary does, young man?
Uh, stick to the shadows downwind?
No.
Didn't think I'd be that lucky.
Blackbird, watch it, this guy is good, how do you think I managed to work in the movie biz this long without becoming horrifically evil.
Well, Grey always thought you were special.
He did?
Until the unpleasantness, yes.
Wow.
If you're done having a tender little moment can we get down to business?
Sorry. The situation is this: We have a friend who is currently being held prisoner by the Lord Mickey Mouse.
Get a new friend.
Yeah, this guy's going to be a lot of help.
Blackbird, not now. We can't give up on our friend. We're going after him and we want supplies from you.
Right, you're fools then. I've got a bargain for fools.
This guy could sell used cars.
That's my day job. Not glamorous, I'll admit, pays the bills all the same. This, this here's my passion.
Don't say anything.
Of course, why would I? I only want to save Grey while you're here with a Lord of the Rings reject. What's next, haggling?
I have a bag of weevils for twenty-five dollars.
<sigh>
We don't need weevils.
Great.
We need a crate of cockroaches.
Oh boy.
I have a crate of cockroaches, but it'll cost you fifty dollars.
Twenty-five.
Forty.
Thirty-five.
Thirty-seven fifty.
Canadian dollars.
Thirty-five American.
Done.
What else will you be needing?
At this rate I suppose salt is needed.
Nope.
Good.
I need sawdust. Tons and tons of sawdust.
Why are we not at a hardware supply store?
Because of where I need this stuff sent.
Special delivery, free of charge, that's what my sign says.
This is ridiculous.
Why?
We're at an apothecary and we're not buying anything remotely unusual.
Should we?
You tell me. You're the one with all the supposed expertise.
You're the one questioning what he's buying.
Because it doesn't make sense, how are we supposed to use that stuff?
It's all a part of my plan. But until I've bought a few wards against spies I can't tell you what it is.
Why don't we take that?
The book? That book?
Yeah, it's the Necronomicon, it says so on the cover. Even I've heard of that one, it must be powerful. Besides, it's a book. We could just rent a book, couldn't we?
The Necronomicon? He wants to take the Necronomicon? What the Hell kind of idiot wants the Necronomicon? Why don't we just give him the Keys to the Gates of Hell, Cerberus' Chew Toy or Odin's Lost Eye, see how he does with those?
What? What did I say?
Blackbird, everyone has a copy of the Necronomicon. The apothecary, Mickey, me, probably even Bill Gates. It's not even original anymore. It's out in paperback.
The Necronomicon! This is who you're teaming up with?
Oh shut up stinky!
Out!
What?
Out! Both of you. I do not have to put up with this. I run a respectable business.
We need those supplies.
Come back in three days and apologise. I won't do business with you until then.
But -
Just don't say anything, Blackbird, you've gotten us into enough trouble.
<Intro Voice>
Meanwhile, at the same time in Mickey Mouse's hidden lair . . .
<End Intro Voice>
I'm gonna break you!
No you're not.
I'm gonna break you!
No you're not.
I'm gonna break you!
No you're not.
I'm gonna break you!
No you're not.
I'm gonna break you!
No you're not.
I'm gonna break you!
No you're not.
Okay, seven hours of this and even I'm beginning to get tired of it. Breather?
Sure.
Being upside down isn't getting to you?
If anything it's made things easier. I'm beginning to think this is all a hallucination.
Dang.
<Intro Voice>
And so, two days before now . . .
<End Intro Voice>
We are very, very, very, most sincerely sorry.
He's making you say that.
Of course he is. I have no idea what use you are, I have no idea how or why we're buying the things we're buying. All I really know is that I'm here, I'm cold, I'm hungry and I'm actually missing Grey. Do you know what it's like to start missing a guy you've repeatedly characterised as a misguided manic who really just needs a date? It will drive you crazy!
If nothing else you've got to admit that he's being sincere.
I'll give him that. Fine, you can have your supplies.
Thank you.
We do need a few other things though. Uh, we need some hot glue guns, that special red wine of yours, four moose skulls and an atlas. Preferably one after 1997.
Why?
Not even I ask this, and I'm the guy selling you this stuff. Bruce, do yourself a favour and get a friend with a clue.
That's what I'm about to do.
<Intro Voice>
Meanwhile, around about this time in the torture chamber . . .
<End Intro Voice>
Em, eye seeee . . .
See you real soon!
Kay, eei, why . . .
Why, because I command it. No, that doesn't quiet work either. Let's try this again.
We've been through this five times. If you don't follow through with either your promises or your threats to cut off my feet and shove them up my nose you're going to start losing credibility here and all future attempts at torture will be ineffective.
Okay, fine. Here's the Xbox with that Lego Star Wars game in it.
Yes!
<Intro Voice>
And now, at this very moment within the lair of Lord Mickey Mouse . . .
<End Intro Voice>
Haha! Hacketta, hacketta, slash, slash, slash!
Okay, are you done yet?
Woohoo! Fear my lightsaber skills!
Uh, excuse me, force of Elemental Evil in the room.
Hacketta, hacketta!
Right. I'm going to be taking that game from you now -
Back off Mouse.
Okay. Never had anyone talk to me like that before.
For your own good.
Well there was that one time when Justin got demanding. Still, I'll leave you for a few more hours, then we're back into the torturing and brainwashing.
Hacketta, who's the father now? Hahahaha!
<Intro Voice>
And so Grey mindlessly plays a computer game while hanging upside down in a dungeon while Blackbird and Bruce Campbell prepare to rescue him . . .
I really need to step up my audition timetable.
<End Intro Voice>
