<Intro Voice>
All right everyone, don't panic, Grey is back on track this week. The Macarena of Evil has not been heard from in a while so we think it's safe, and so Grey is getting back to real work.
No, honestly.
Yes I do want it that way; you think I want to be doing this forever? I want visibility, I want to be known, so unless Grey stops spending so much time chasing people and more time thwacking I'm not going to get that.
Yes I am sure he's on the job. Look, now somewhere in California . . .
<End Intro Voice>
You, are you Jennifer Love Hewitt?
Yes, yes I am.
Jennifer Love Hewitt the actress?
Yes.
Jennifer Love Hewitt the singer?
That's right.
Can I, uh, er, well, I was, er, uh, just, um, well, uh, wondering, uh, if, uh, if, er, um, uh, that is if, uh, well, you're, uh, that is, uh, I mean if you're not, uh, well, er, too busy, you know, uh, doing other stuff, er, that is I was, er, wondering if, uh, you, uh, well, uh, wouldn't, er, mind if, uh, well, I was wondering if you'd, er, like, uh, to, eh, get, uh, a, er, well, uh, cup of, well, er, coffee?
What?
I, uh, was, well, that is I was, er, uh, I mean, it's uh -
No, let's not go through that again, I think I get what you're trying to say. You're trying to ask me out, aren't you?
Uh, well, er, ah, that is, uh, yeah, I mean, er, yes.
You?
Uh, y-y-yes.
And me?
Er, um, er, uh, yes.
Together?
I, uh, well, er, I, uh, thought that was the, ah, idea.
In public?
Well I, er, uh, that is I think that, uh, well, uh, it's, er, probably, um, sort of, well, just how it's done.
Are you a movie producer?
Er, uh, no.
A director?
Well, uh, no, I suppose not.
Do you have any fame or clout?
I have a trout. A Mighty Trout.
Yeah, I can smell that quiet clearly.
Oh, uh, don't, uh, worry about that, uh, it just, um, well, er, just does that sometimes. Uh, it's not rotten.
Right. So why do you think I'll go out with you?
Well, uh, you're a, ah, well, ah, a, er, pretty woman, and uh, talented, and er, well, uh, you might be interesting and er, uh, well -
Yes, yes, I know, I'm beautiful, rich, talented and all that, but what about you?
Well, er, ah, that is to say, I, er, well, am, er, um, well, uh, I suppose I, er, well, uh, that is I think I could, uh, well, um, er, I, er, well, I have the Mighty Trout.
Yes, we all know about that fish. Anything else?
Well, I, uh, that is I think, uh, I, er, um, well, might, uh, that is I suppose in a way I, er, uh, well, I guess I, uh, well no I don't, but I do, er, well, um, I, uh, there's that, uh, no, not that either, uh . . .
That's what I mean.
Huh?
You're nothing, no one. Worse yet you're ugly.
But how can you know what I look like?
Hey, anyone who hides their face under that much gray has to be hiding something.
It, uh, but it's a costume. It's the uniform I have to wear.
Right, just keep telling yourself that.
What's wrong with it?
It's all gray.
So? I'm Grey.
Okay, free fashion tip, do not dress yourself according to your name unless you're a superhero. And even then you should try to show some originality. After all, Batman didn't have real wings.
But I-
And furthermore just what made you think that I'd go out with you?
Well, uh, I, uh, that is I thought, er, that, uh, maybe, uh, you'd, uh, well . . .
What, what? Lose my mind? Lose all sense of taste, reality and sense?
No, I, uh, just, uh-
Look, I put up with enough crackpot fans who think that there is some way in Hell that I'll suddenly find them attractive and go out with me. They do all sorts of stupid, crazy things and that's why I have these security guys with me to stop anyone running up to me with anything. The only reason you got this far is that you could have just been a harmless nut wanting an autograph. Something I would have given you before letting my security rough you up and dump you into the nearest dumpster.
But I -
I don't care; I really, honestly, do not care. I am not attracted to you, I do not find you in the least bit mysterious or intriguing, and I most certainly do not want to waste time getting to know you better.
I have a Might Trout.
I don't care.
I'll be going then.
Good.
Hey, wait, you're still Jennifer Love Hewitt, actress and singer.
Yes, yes, beautiful, talented and so forth.
You suck!
What?!
You haven't acted in any movie that's been worth remembering. Only massive amounts of publicity and pop culture in jokes make the Scream movies notable!
But - but - but - I -
And when was the last time any actor made the successful transition from acting to singing?
Well, there's, uh, Ewan McGregor seems to be doing it.
Ewan McGregor has talent, at the very least acting talent and possibly some singing talent as well, though that remains to be seen. You can barely even act and certainly can't sing.
But my movies are popular, and so was my CD.
You movies are popular because of your skintight pants. And anyone looking like you who sings a song with the phrase "bare and naked" in it is sure to sell a lot of covers and videos.
So what are you going to do about it?
Thwack you with the Mighty Trout.
Hey! Wait a minute, I refuse to go out with you and you react by threatening me with physical harm?
Well, uh, no, it's not like that.
Yes it is, just a minute ago you were trying to get a date with me and when you fail that's when you start picking apart my career.
No it isn't.
Yes it is. No wonder you're single, you're a maladjusted freak who resorts to flinging fish whenever he doesn't get his way.
No, I only use The Mighty Trout on the people who deserve it.
And who deserves it?
Well, uh, fools, the sort of people who do something stupid.
So if I'd agreed to go out with you you'd have still hit me with that fish?
Yes, uh, no, I mean, uh, well, uh, actually, no, wait, yes . . . Uh, actually I sort of hope you'd see the error of your ways and agree to stop being so stupid.
That's it?
Well, I can't thwack someone for being stupid if they know they've done something stupid and change their ways.
So let me get this straight. If I'd have agreed to go out with you you'd have tried to find out if I was persistently stupid and then decide whether to hit me with that fish.
Might Trout. And yes, that's about the size of it so far.
Right. And now, because I haven't agreed to go out with you you've made a snap decision to hit me with that Mighty Trout of yours because in the past few minutes I've demonstrated persistent stupidity.
Pretty much.
That's sick.
I guess.
It's twisted.
Well, uh-
It's pathetic, useless and marks you as the sort of sad little loser who'll never get a date.
I, uh, well -
And what's more it's not fair! I could still win awards for my CD.
Lady, nothing is fair.
<THWACK>
<Intro Voice>
Well then.
Okay.
Fine.
I'll be the big one here and admit that that was far less on topic that it should have been.
Nevertheless Grey marches somewhat listlessly off into the sunset, Mighty Trout by his side, sure to get back on track, just like a wheeless train, again!
<End Intro Voice>
