An Idot's Wisedumb

Compliments of Lea and Kyle...and Leah.

The only way to have fun is to make it, and that’s okay, as long as you don’t break any important rules!!!

• Boys are stupid. Girls are stupid, too, but they pretend they're smart much better.
• If a four legged dog stands on three legs next to you, move.
• When blue-haired old ladies are going the wrong way on the one-way, also move.
• Beans are neither fruit or musical during the period after you eat them.
• Don't eat a candy bar your doggy dropped.
• If you are flunking and try to suck-up to your teacher, don't compare his shiny head to Mr. Clean.
• You can do anything if you put your mind to it, but if you think you can fly, lay off the crack.
• If you stretched your insides to their full extent on the side of the road and measured them, boy would that hurt.
• If an old lady gives you a dollar and tells you about a poor house not too far from here, time to get a new wardrobe and maybe take a shower and comb your hair.
• Smile. It makes people wonder what you’ve been up to.
• It's better to dance with wolves than to be chased by them.
• Flatulant gases do not dissipate in elevators.
• Don’t keep a 10-foot snake as a pet, as it leads to a lack of other pets.
• It's not wise to continuously insult a man who foams at the mouth.
• Do not install screen doors on your submarine.
• A burp is not an answer.
• No one is busier than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest.
• The couch may be lost, the seats taken, but I have won. I have the REMOTE!
• If the phone ends ringing before it is answered, tough cookies.
• If you laugh when an old lady falls, don’t. Because if you were an ant, and she fell on you, it wouldn’t be so funny.
• It is better to grow a long beard than long eyebrows.
• In a crash, it is better to be protected than not. That is why I always wear all my pads, mouth guard, and helmet in the car.
• Organ transplants are best left to the professionals.
• With every new sunrise, there is a new chance. But with every sunset, you blew it.

• Fast cars are meant to be driven fast, slow cars are meant to be left in the garage until their so old that they can be sold for millions of dollars as ancient relics.
• Time is a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
• Asking for money is like asking for a refusal, well, that’s what you get anyway.
• Never grease the grade school monkey bars.
• People who repeatedly say the phrase I'm not crazy usually are.
• Many people don’t realize that playing dead not only helps with bears, but also at important business meetings.
• If you ever rob a bank, and your pants fall down, I think you should laugh and let the hostages laugh, too. Because, hey, life’s funny.
• Never stand in front of the T.V. when your father is in a bad mood.
• When the men in white robes come to call, never ask advice from the elf in your ear.
• If you ask your father for money, be sure to mention how well he mows the lawn.
• As dog is man's best friend, a tampon is woman's best friend.
• When wearing a “lucky rabbit’s foot”, first remove the rest of the rabbit.
• If it wasn’t duck tape, it wasn’t fixed.
• To become a likable person, say “Uh-huh” and nod a lot during conversations.
• Bribes work in most cases, when they don't, try threats.
• If life kicks you in the butt, roll up your sleeves & kick it back.
• If someone flips your mother off on the freeway, and she asks you what it means, tell her it’s the Hawaiian good luck sign, and if she repeats it, try not to laugh too hard.
• If you fall off of the Empire State Building, just go real limp, like a dummy. Someone might try to catch you, because, hey, free dummy.
• Children need lots of encouragement. When they get an answer right, tell them it was a lucky guess, that way they develop a good, lucky feeling.
• Genius ducks are easily spotted by their “Q” flying pattern.
• March to the beat of different drummer? I’ll buy my own stinkin’ drum.
• Never trust your dog to watch your food.
• The boys room is not a water park.
• No matter how fond of sushi you are, never put on a wet suit and dive into your uncle's aquarium.

• Don’t suffer from insanity. Enjoy every minute of it!
• It is wiser to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
• If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that’s another weakness.
• Skiing… ...is not easy.
• A needle prick in the arm hurts little. But in the eye, ouch.
• Nobody appreciates weggies.
• Get high off milk. Cows use grass.
• Stupid people should wear a sign.
• Never tell your mom her diet’s not working.
• Never eat yellow snow.
• It's not wise to buy seafood from a truck with an Iowa license plate.
• If you whistle while you work and sing in the rain, then rainy workdays must be hard.
• Don't break promises, likewise don't break your mother's antique vase.
• Never buy used underwear.
• Irritated Scotsmen carry unusual morning conversations.
• Nobody is fat...Some people are just big boned.
• Nobody is short...Some people are just vertically challenged.
• Some people confuse me, I confuse everyone.
• Never try to play “footsy” with an elephant.
• The cafeteria's deep fryer is not a toy.
• Just because you are older, you do not have the authority to mail your brother to Abu Dhabi.
• It's not wise to loosen the top of a salt shaker in a restaurant and leave it for the next person.
• Even stupid people have their short moments of genius.
• If I was you then you'd be me...Scary, eh?